Behavioral Progress

[Riley]

Earlier today, I forgot to bring in the dogs at the time my Mom asked me to. And she was disappointed in me when she got home. I handled this with one snarky and disrespectful tone before going into silence. I waited a while, not pressing the issue.

Minutes later, everything was good. Until...Until I decided to say 'sorry' for forgetting the dogs. In my mind: Mom would merely say okay. But apparently there's ****ing apology etiquette. Who gives a **** about 'meaning' what you say? I only say sorry to end arguments. I don't care about improving my behavior.

Everytime I get into fights with Mom, I contemplate doing something spiteful, manipulative, or whatever in retaliation. These plans include:

• Lying and spreading malicious rumors to family members.
• Insulting my mom via text.

And more.

 

[atrocityexhibition]

I used to get these impulses too when I was living with my in-laws. Long story short, I am not living with them anymore and now I don't have to deal with the complexities of cohabitation. It can be really trying. My advice is to just say as little possible when you feel this way. Them thinking you're being aloof is way less headache-inducing than the consequences of a back-and-forth caused by lashing out. I did it so many times.

 

[jamesaldrin]

I also automatically jump to revenge fantasies after an upsetting interaction. Luckily I don't think I'd ever actually go through with them. I think that I think I feel anger but in truth I actually just feel pain. Or maybe I'm too tired to be angry. I think I may have Borderline Personality Disorder.

I do agree with your mom that when somebody says sorry they should mean it.

 

[JackSkellington]

I think the big issue here is- you don't want to improve your behavior. Things could get worse if you ever go through with any of those plans you think of- I hope you do realize this. I'm not sure why you are getting so worked up over something like this? Your mom is in the right- you didn't let the dogs in at the right time. If she just ignored that.. then honestly I feel like perhaps she would just keep doing that as a reaction to things. Ignoring bad behavior doesn't do much generally.

Also I want to point out..good people DO mean what they say. Lying about being sorry likely wont lead to good things either if you keep that up. Once you get caught lying about stuff, people wont trust you as much. Do you really want that?

 

[Ambi]

Earlier today, I forgot to bring in the dogs at the time my Mom asked me to. And she was disappointed in me when she got home. I handled this with one snarky and disrespectful tone before going into silence. I waited a while, not pressing the issue.

Minutes later, everything was good. Until...Until I decided to say 'sorry' for forgetting the dogs. In my mind: Mom would merely say okay. But apparently there's ****ing apology etiquette. Who gives a **** about 'meaning' what you say? I only say sorry to end arguments. I don't care about improving my behavior.

Everytime I get into fights with Mom, I contemplate doing something spiteful, manipulative, or whatever in retaliation. These plans include:

• Lying and spreading malicious rumors to family members.
• Insulting my mom via text.

And more.

I used to snap like this, and didn't realize why at the time, but now looking back I know it's because I had so much going on draining me emotionally, I was near breaking point.

I think that not wanting to improve your behavior is going to mean that you have more and more difficulties in life - with your mom, this will be what you experience now. But with others, it will get worse and worse.

Also, not communicating what you really mean will also only cause more and more problems and challenges for yourself.

I don't say any of that to criticize you - it's just stuff that I hope can be useful. If you've got underlying anger issues like I did (and still do), it's worth focusing on that and figuring that out, otherwise it's hard to change anything.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I get into confrontations and arguments all the time, I'm a very frustrating person to deal with and I really don't like being that way. Someone would often just overreact to me and I cannot handle the immediate aftermath at all - so I tend to say some really nasty things about the person I felt "wronged" me, but not to that person's face - but rather, to someone else. I might simply overreact back at the other person first. One example of this would be a coworker who started treating me in a friendly manner but as months went by she was constantly overreacting to some of my quirks and I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I remember the meltdown caused by those overreactions - later at home. I've had others, but this one was the most prominent. I would start hitting objects, calling the person some really nasty things behind their back, and just abruptly deciding that I want that person out of my life forever. All of that just because someone overreacted...some minutes later I might calm down and only then do I realize everything I've done - but I can never un-say what I've said. I start going into deep regrets and exhibiting that infamous self-hatred, and that is usually followed by a meltdown, a pretty nasty one that makes me come off as a psycho. I suddenly start idolizing the person I just insulted as if they were a god, and calling MYSELF those same nasty names. I keep hitting objects and might even punch myself in the face. I end up drinking a herb called Valerian to calm the nerves but I've already lost the respect of the person witnessing this whole escapade, diminished the very tiny amount of respect I have for myself, and I'm still in a fight with the original person too. Best thing I can do is just stay in my room for the rest of the day hoping things would blow over; sometimes they do but at other times it's just "que sera, sera". To this day I still hate myself so much, most people just have no clue - and I'm worried that it will eventually turn into depression, along with all the anxieties I exhibit. I feel like I'm gonna give myself a heart attack with all this stress one day. Has anyone here ever exhibited something similar, including all that nasty self-loathing?

 

[WildCat]

Might be in your best interest to listen to your mother next time and do exactly as she says. You think slandering her or spreading rumors is going to help the situation? I think not.

Also, you're in a excellent position right now to start improving your behavior - the wider world outside of you and your mother isn't going to take so kindly to your rebuttals. Keep that in mind the next time you decide you want to practice with family.

 

[Judge]

Frankly I cringe for much of anyone on the verge of adulthood who has issues with authority figures where their most difficult interactions are with parents.

Parents are nothing compared to law enforcement, government and workplace authority. Entities who are more likely to be indifferent towards you personally, and are more than prepared to hurt or harass you as they deem fit. On their terms- not yours.

 

[Larisa]

I don't care about improving my behavior.

I totally disagree with people who insist that saying 'sorry' should imply 'bettering myself in future'.
I came to conclusion that nobody can 'better' themselves: because every person already DOES the maximum efforts they can spend in order to:
a) maintain their existance in everyday bombing of events (actions and reactions of people around) and other information
b) cohabitate with people in close-quaters
When I say 'I'm sorry' it means that I feel sorry for the person to get upset with the certain my action (or inaction) - I feel sorry for their distress, but I had my reasons (or lack of inner resourses) to act (inact) this particular way.
You see?
I feel sorry for the person's distress in my proximity but the only way I can lessen their suffering - is only to move away (or let them move away).
I think it's quite resonable and works just fine for me.
Frankly, EVERY person in fact imply just that - for I've never met the person who actually would put great efforts to understand and avoid actions that upset ME.
I had to get used to the thought that if the person suffers from contacting with me - I agree with the right of everyone of us to get the distance or stop communicating at all.
I learnt the hard way that people to not change at will - and I learnt to go away from the people I care for - if I statistically admit that I suffer in their company and they can't do anything about it.
I think that is respect that I feel: I accept people for what they are in real life and I permit myself to think good of them from the distance they do not hurt me unintentionally
.

 

[Larisa]

Frankly I cringe for much of anyone on the verge of adulthood who has issues with authority figures where their most difficult interactions are with parents.

Parents are nothing compared to law enforcement, government and workplace authority. Entities who are more likely to be indifferent towards you personally, and are more than prepared to hurt or harass you as they deem fit. On their terms- not yours.

I think that parents are the first experience of the oppression the person meets in the interaction with other humans.
Actually the attitude the child meets from their parents - and the society do not intervene on the child's part - is in effect approved by this society (its laws and government, ideology, social services).
Thus the parents (who can be quite harsh, bullying, 'gas-lighting', menacing and so on toward the child) are the representatives of the society and its agents (in their nurturing goals and chosen means of their achieving).
It's not the conflict 'analize either the parents - or the rest of society' that I see: it's trying to understand the first stage of the social structure (hierarchy) in order to proceed to considering and understanding the further levels - to learn how to interact with them...

 

[Judge]

I think that parents are the first experience of the oppression the person meets in the interaction with other humans.

No doubt. It's true parents can give their children a pretty hard time in any number of ways.

However whatever their wrath might be, it's not apt to be as menacing compared to other forms of authority one must inevitably deal with as an adult. Where in many situations you just have to take it without complaint or significant resistance.