Being a perfectionnist/the desire of "starting fresh"...

[malortie]

I know how much of "a piece of cake" it is for me it is to decide to scrap everything I was working and start fresh. It is as much as if every bit of my project need to be verified/monitored/analysed or else I do not consider it clean.

For instance:

I once was working on a C++ library, which I planned to release. I knew that there are strong programming language conventions, which I apply very strictly, but also project structure, which is about ensuring a logical structure and disposition of the folders and source files.

I went on with the classic one, which consists of creating folders and list them as the following:

bin/ <-- Where all binary compiled code go. so;dll;exe
build/ <-- Where all intermediaire files go. .obj
include/ <-- Where all header files go. .h/hh/hpp
lib/ <-- Where all static libraries go. .lib
test/ <-- Where all test files go. test.cpp/test2.cpp
src/ <-- Where all source files go. c/cc/cpp

I knew this was the classic way of disposing folders, but then I questioned myself about if there would be more flexible, alternatives. So as usual, I end up digging around the internet for about 2-3 hours and came up with several variations, such as the Boost structure (Boost C++ libraries), (Microsoft project structures recomendations), among others...

I compare all of them and realize all of them have advantages and disadvantages. Ultimately, I decide to clear my entire root folder and start again, this time with the Microsoft structure. I create all my folders again and observe their disposition. Being someone very open source oriented, I feared that using a Microsoft structure would be convenient for the people who are used to the classic structure (See above).

As usual, I make sure to clear my entire root folder, to give a sense of fresh and clean, to convince me that nothing wrong was done before.

I suppose you see where all this obsession leads, as well as how it ends. The fact that I end up destroying often what I create.

Did anyone experience this kind of behavior?

 

[Naturalist]

I know how much of "a piece of cake" it is for me it is to decide to scrap everything I was working and start fresh. It is as much as if every bit of my project need to be verified/monitored/analysed or else I do not consider it clean.

For instance:

I once was working on a C++ library, which I planned to release. I knew that there are strong programming language conventions, which I apply very strictly, but also project structure, which is about ensuring a logical structure and disposition of the folders and source files.

I went on with the classic one, which consists of creating folders and list them as the following:




I knew this was the classic way of disposing folders, but then I questioned myself about if there would be more flexible, alternatives. So as usual, I end up digging around the internet for about 2-3 hours and came up with several variations, such as the Boost structure (Boost C++ libraries), (Microsoft project structures recomendations), among others...

I compare all of them and realize all of them have advantages and disadvantages. Ultimately, I decide to clear my entire root folder and start again, this time with the Microsoft structure. I create all my folders again and observe their disposition. Being someone very open source oriented, I feared that using a Microsoft structure would be convenient for the people who are used to the classic structure (See above).

As usual, I make sure to clear my entire root folder, to give a sense of fresh and clean, to convince me that nothing wrong was done before.

I suppose you see where all this obsession leads, as well as how it ends. The fact that I end up destroying often what I create.

Did anyone experience this kind of behavior?

I do find myself thinking / acting in quite similar fashion. In part, it is because I cannot keep lots of "old versions" of projects around, because I quickly get confused as to which is the most current. I can't work with "clutter", it overwhelms me. But I also get very frustrated if the results of my efforts seem sub-par. I used to have small tantrums where I throw away months or years worth of work in a few moments, because I am disgusted at the "mess" I have created and am unwilling to commit to the work of fixing it. I have thrown away the manuscripts for three separate novels, this way. But I do retain quite a lot of the details in my head, and it's surprising how much I can resurrect from memory if I really need / want to do so.

 

[malortie]

Nice post Naturalist

And speaking of "standard", and since I want to avoid creating multiple threads, I often have this recursive behavior, which occurs when I decide I want to change my Windows Wallpaper.

Since I enjoy science fiction, I search on google to find very cybernetic wallpapers, and even custom icons graphics to replace the default appearance of Window's icons. Therefore, I find myself having transformed my entire desktop to be completely different from the original Windows 10 background and theme you usually have upon finishing installing.

As stated in my first post, I am someone who strictly apply standards and ensure I respect them otherwise I get a sense of "imperfection"/ "impurity". Since my wallpaper is no longer the default one put by Windows, I get this "impure" sensation, which causes me to completely remove all desktop customization I made previously, and I find myself back to the default wallpaper and theme. Then, the same process repeats as I want a custom theme for my desktop, so I change it and try to convince myself that there is nothing wrong into having a "self looking" desktop, but my second voice tells me to do the exact opposite.

This kind of behavior causes me to repeat this same process for hours, and I arrive at the end of the day burn out.

 

[Datura]

I can relate to being a perfectionist, but I don't often get rid of things. Tempting as a clean slate might be I hold on to most of my posessions and data until the clutter becomes too much and I engage in a culling process. Quite often this entails going through each individual item and dividing them into "keep", "trash", and "maybe" groupings. Then I will go back to the "maybe" pile and repeat this process. I will often review my "trash" pile as well since I really don't want to accidentally get rid of something important. But this isn't what you asked about.

When working on music I often fret over it a great deal. I hear specific sounds in my head, and when I fail to acuritely reproduce them I can become very discouraged, even if these deviations are minor. The more I analyze the less confident I become in the virtue of my own work, which leads me to abandon projects more than I would care to admit.

I also frequently try to create a "master plan" which is essentially a list of catagorized goals and steps to completing them. I am usually unhappy with it, however, and find myself abandoning and rewwriting them.

 

[Naturalist]

Nice post Naturalist

Thanks!

I know what you mean about the "two voices". This often happens because I can't seem to integrate my logical brain with my emotional brain. If I am operating with a logical locus, my thoughts can be quite different, and often contradictory to, the thoughts I have when my locus is emotional. Both are very active but I can't seem to give both sides consideration simultaneously, hence the "back-and-forth" dialogue in my brain, and the difficulty deciding what to act upon (or later severe regret about an action taken).

 

[malortie]

the difficulty deciding what to act upon

Same for me. A particular thing to note about myself is that I have difficulty retaining information that is unrelated to things I have passion for. If I decide I want to learn a particular subject, and since it motivates me, then I can memorize as much information as I want.

If I am given a task, for example studying a particular map, unrelated to things I love, then I can try as much as I can and attempt to tell myself to retain this information, but it seems just as if I have no control over what my brain remembers or not. It is almost as if someone else was controlling my memorization process. Hope you see what I am talking about, although it is not always easy to explain.

 

[Naturalist]

Same for me. A particular thing to note about myself is that I have difficulty retaining information that is unrelated to things I have passion for. If I decide I want to learn a particular subject, and since it motivates me, then I can memorize as much information as I want.

If I am given a task, for example studying a particular map, unrelated to things I love, then I can try as much as I can and attempt to tell myself to retain this information, but it seems just as if I have no control over what my brain remembers or not. It is almost as if someone else was controlling my memorization process. Hope you see what I am talking about, although it is not always easy to explain.

I think it's because your mind is trying to link the new information to already established neural pathways. If it's unrelated to things you love, you don't have established pathways to link the new information where you can find it again. Other people build lots of random pathways as they learn, and may like or use a lot of them equally. But Aspies often have a handful of preferred interests, and those pathways become superhighways, overriding everything else. At least that's how I visualize it.

 

[malortie]

Naturalist

A few months ago, I watched this video. I invite you to watch from 5:50 to 7:00, the puzzle piece example. This should give you a good understanding of the ways I see myself in education.