Being Abused emotionally and verbally

[GGuy]

My partner (we are gay males together 30+ years) often uses the words "you're Aspergic" to vent frustration and anger at me when I stuff something up.
We have only "recently" (20 years) worked out that I am on the ASD, but we are still learning the implications of that through every day interactions and reading.
My problem is that I find it incredibly difficult to stand up for myself.
I know all the right responses and expectations in my head, but cannot defend myself.
He is sharper and more cutting than a caged feral cat when he wants to attack someone.
I feel quite despondent and very alone.
Leaving him is always on my mind when he gets that way.
But I cannot leave him.
I am looking for some like minded people who can share.
Thank you.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome.

That sounds tough. Despondent and alone are difficult feelings for me. Firstly, you can definitely hang out here with us and perhaps start to feel more confident in your autistic side and less alone in the world.

I know all the right responses and expectations in my head, but cannot defend myself.
He is sharper and more cutting than a caged feral cat when he wants to attack someone.

I always seem to figure out the perfect thing to say after a confrontation has ended and everyone has walked away from it. It’s difficult to think of things in the moment with the stressors of an argument/confrontation. But, have you ever tried to communicate these responses in a calm time? Like when everything is neutral in the moment, bring up the latest argument and talk about the impact that it has on you.

Leaving him is always on my mind when he gets that way.
But I cannot leave him.

I wonder why leaving is not an option when it is on your mind so much.

 

[Forest Cat]

In relationships, we sometimes have to ask ourselves an important question. Am I happy? Are you happy in that relationship? In a good relationship you aren't supposed to be abused or feel very alone.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

My problem is that I find it incredibly difficult to stand up for myself.
I know all the right responses and expectations in my head, but cannot defend myself.
He is sharper and more cutting than a caged feral cat when he wants to attack someone.
I feel quite despondent and very alone.

When I find it difficult to stand up for myself, I think it's usually a sign that the other person will not listen. I sense that any defense will be ineffective. It's not that I truly can't defend myself, or that I never do. Maybe you relate to that.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@GGuy, I know that sometimes it is difficult to say the "right things" when you have Asperger's/ASD-1. You have the intellect, your inner monologue can work all this out, but when it comes to expressing emotional things verbally, it never seems to come out right. As an educator, I can explain things I know about very well. With topics that get me emotionally upset, frustrated, angry, etc., it's a verbal disaster. Plus, if the other person begins to feel like they are having to defend themselves, they are going to interrupt you, be argumentative, and likely what you want to say will never be said because they will "shut you down" and nothing good comes from the interaction.

So, you have been with your partner for decades, obviously there is some love there, but he may not be understanding your perspectives on things because you're having some difficulty expressing it verbally in a meaningful way. "Why didn't you say something earlier?" Well, part of being "Aspergic" is that you might not have the ability to say it verbally, quite literally. Not being able to identify emotions and deal with them in an appropriate and timely manner is not something that many of us do well. Many of us have alexithymia. I do, and it can take minutes, hours, or days to sort out what the heck happened during an emotional verbal interaction. That said, in "real time", I am NOT going to have an appropriate response to anything with an emotional context to it, and it often leads to a poor response from the other person. So, then, after some time, I find myself revisiting the conversation, re-explaining, sometime apologizing, etc. The whole interaction can play on for days, quite literally. A neurotypical will have no understanding of this concept, but you can summarize with "It's part of the condition".

It's in these situations where I would write things out and present it as a letter. That way you can say what you want to say, in a way you want to say it, without the other person interrupting your train of thought, bantering back and forth in a way that gets you frustrated. I have done this with my wife at least a dozen or so times in our 36 year marriage. Interestingly, the last time I did it was a few years before I was even diagnosed. I can remember writing letters to my girlfriends in high school. I just naturally found the written word much more compelling than the verbal word.

Now, you could start out with your original post above, and just build upon it. It looks like a great foundation.

 

[Kayla55]

Remember when dating neuro-typicals that they generally not shy, not shy to say or do. These people more strong willed than us and it took me years to try figure out why they are so quick to take, express their feelings which range differently from us. Whilst we do tend to be more stuck in our heads, we are very capable of love but our hardwired emotions are just very different. So I speak of us as having different range of emotions, and being gay I'm interested to know how men feel about emotions. For me it is natural to never throw something told in confidence back in someone face, but for 'the normals' this isn't the case. Sometimes guru refer to some of us as lived more lives and being on higher level. It's an interesting view such as not saying reincarnation can't exist, it's actually perhaps very likely. I have a thread in this section about effects of abuse on aspire kids and this is very relevant point about abuse to aspire. You say you can't stand up for yourself.....assertiveness is a learnt skill but have you noticed how sensitive some are. If kids just repeat my son's name over and over without name calling, he gets upset. Yip, we don't like unnecessary attention directed at us, hyper-sensitive vs normals' who shrug off.....so as I was saying is that I agree abuse affects disabled people more, it eventually also stunts our development. Abuse left me so defenceless.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome. Sorry about your situation, and in regards to feeling you can't leave - have you explored potential supports and alternatives?

My understanding is that Australia is one of those places where there's more understanding of and supports for those on the spectrum, so whether your concern about separating is finances/accommodation, social connections, or something else, there might be some options out there.

 

[GGuy]

Hello
This message is to acknowledge and thank you all sincerely.
Your replies have left me almost in tears.
It will take me a while to re-read, dissect and digest your wonderful words.
At this age (almost 70) I have come in very late, but there is a hopeful feeling that I have found some of my lost tribe here.
Thank you again.
With Love and Gratitude.