Being Chatted Up By A Woman On The Autistic Spectrum

[Neurotypical_Woman]

I found this site by a google search on dating someone on the autistic spectrum. I found a few threads that were interesting and relevant to this topic.

However, I thought I would share my experience in a new thread as I haven't begun to date the person in question.

I'm a neurotypical (self-tested) trans woman who is quite active on a lesbian facebook group. The other day I was friended and inboxed by another member of the group.

Its pretty rare for women to start chatting me up, so when it happens I sit up and take notice. When I disclose that I am trans and they aren't bothered by this at all, that REALLY piques my interest.

We had a deep discussion on a range of topics last night and she was very open about finding me physically attractive based on my pics. It turns out that she is a keen football (soccer) player and a mathematics graduate. I happen to find atheticism and brains very hot, so yeah, I'm definitely interested at this point!

Tonight she messaged me again and the subject of her being on the autism spectrum came up. I asked if that meant she had Aspergers, but she said no. I am not an expert on the topic, so if someone could explain the distinction to me, that would be helpful.

We haven't met in person yet, but I am intruiged by her. She was worried that I would stop talking to her because she is on the spectrum and because she is a lot younger than me (I'm 42 and she is 25).

Looking at her pics on FB, she is very thin. I'm not a doctor, so I wouldn't diagnose her as anorexic but that is a concern for me. Is there any correlation at all between autism and eating disorders? I'm just wondering.

As well as her pics, I saw a funny video a friend took of her sitting on a chair next to a hand drier that was blowing hot air on her face. She is giggling wildly and seemed to be REALLY enjoying the experience. I recall hearing about people with autism getting a lot more out of mundane experiences like that than neurotypical people. I get this vague sense from her pics and her video that her internal life is quite different in some respects from neurotypical people. Any thoughts on that?

She is a very direct communicator which I LOVE. No ********. No beating about the bush. Straight to the point and very literal. So refreshing!

If our friendship eventually goes offline and possibly leads to something more than just a friendship is there anything in particular that I should be aware of as an NT person who has never dated a woman on the autistic spectrum before?

 

[Hedgehog Instigator]

I'm not a doctor either, but as far as I know anorexia is not comorbid. However, that doesn't exclude those with autism. The difference could be in preference. I would research pervasive disorders you should be able to find a lot about the spectrum that way. Also it has been my impression that people with ASD are generally more comfortable with their own non binary selves. So it doesn't surprise me at all someone on the spectrum would be comfortable approaching you. As always be careful when meeting people online there are a lot of assholes out there.

 

[King_Oni]

As with many posts of this nature with an NT asking for advice for being more close with someone on the spectrum; it really comes down to the individual.

What would help a lot is to not blindly assume that, whatever you read on wikipedia and such, is a strict "rule" as it's a spectrum, so, the way people experience their autism and deal with people and the world in general, is something that comes to the the individual. If anything, stereotyping isn't really something many, if any at all, appreciate.

It might help to have clear outlines between the both of you though. Know what she likes, doesn't like, stuff like that. Probably dig a bit deeper, since plenty of people on the spectrum have averse reactions to some smells, textures, sounds, stuff like that and know what sets her off and be aware certain things might set her off. That's the one thing I learned about more as I dated someone on the spectrum myself. Some things probably are best avoided to steer free of meltdowns and shutdowns of your partner.

That's something that comes to mind now on the subject at least, hope that at least helps a bit for a start

 

[Neurotypical_Woman]

Hedgehog Instigator, yes, the internet is a crazy place. Very often, online rapport doesn't translate into anything offline. I agree.

King_Oni, the subject of "meltdowns" and "shutdowns" comes up a lot on the forums. Could you give me some examples of what that might look like or the sort of things that might trigger it?

 

[Kouryuu]

Each person is different, for me a shutdown is very much internalised. My mind is racing but on the outside I dont wanna talk, I dont wanna see, I just wanna sit/lay in a dark room. If it's me being overwhelmed I tend to stop what I'm doing and stand there, patiently waiting for my brain to catch up.
A meltdown is much more external. I might cry or vocalise my racing thoughts which sounds either crazy or stupid. I could explode into anger as well which, fortunately, hasnt happened in a long time and hope it never does again.
With a shutdown I prefer to be alone or allowed time to sort myself out. With a meltdown I prefer to be with one person I am comfortable talking with. We can then laugh about how silly it was the next day.

As I say, each person is different, I think talking about it is the best approach. Figure out the best way to communicate.

 

[Neurotypical_Woman]

"Each person is different, for me a shutdown is very much internalised. My mind is racing but on the outside I dont wanna talk, I dont wanna see, I just wanna sit/lay in a dark room. If it's me being overwhelmed I tend to stop what I'm doing and stand there, patiently waiting for my brain to catch up."

"A meltdown is much more external. I might cry or vocalise my racing thoughts which sounds either crazy or stupid. I could explode into anger as well which, fortunately, hasnt happened in a long time and hope it never does again.
With a shutdown I prefer to be alone or allowed time to sort myself out. With a meltdown I prefer to be with one person I am comfortable talking with. We can then laugh about how silly it was the next day."

Koryuu, thanks. Those are good descriptions. Is it an excess of stimulation that causes shutdowns or meltdowns? Are there other triggers to look for as well?

 

[wyverary]

My advice? Try not to make any assumptions until you actually meet her. It sounds like you two do certainly click. And if she is on the autism spectrum, there are probably certain things that you should know, but...everyone on the spectrum is different, so you won't quite know what to expect. If there is that strong mutual attraction, I highly encourage you to meet her. You won't know until you get to know her.

There are, I suppose, some general things to look for. She is likely prone to hypersensitivity, so yes, meltdowns or shutdowns are a distinct possibility. If that happens, you need to do everything you can to find her a safe place to be, and make her comfortable. She may have trouble expressing emotions...those on the spectrum DO experience strong emotions, but they may not be very good at expressing them...likewise, they (most of them) also have strong empathy but not know how to show it. So if she is indeed on the spectrum, there are likely to be challenges. But like I said, you won't know until you really get to know her.

So go for it!

wyv

 

[Peeta]

An example of a meltdown of my fiancee: He had a period where he was really into modifying his car. He had an appointment with a garage to do some work, but before that he needed to fix something in the car. One part had yet to arrive. On the day before the appointment it was discovered the part was delivered in a town two hours driving. He was already stressed with fixing the car and getting it working on time for the appointment. So when he found out he went into a meltdown. There was no 'reasoning' with him (quotes cause his mom tried to get him stay where he was, though I agreed with him) and we both up and left to drive the whole way to get the part. He couldn't shut up about the whole thing until we got to the place where the part was and after that he was happy.

An example of me having a shutdown: I'm stuck into a traffic jam for 1,5 hours on my way home. There is no escape but for me to sit in a none moving vehicle and wait till I finally get home. My stress is so high that I'm ready to just dump my car on the side of the road and walk (25+ miles) home. When I finally do get home I've have almost shut down. I don't want to talk, I don't want to think, I just want to sit behind my laptop and my mind races. My mom (who has still yet to learn to back off when this happens) tries to talk to me about how she did something. Low energy and high levels of stress makes the parentals dub me as 'moody, ungrateful, assholish'. Ensue major fight and me going to my room and just lying in my bed motionless.

Both of us are Aspies and have had both happen in different ways. The general causes are situations where we need to handle a lot of things, being put into uncomfortable situations for too long a time, over stimulation and/or deadlines or goals that NEED to be met and we'll do anything to meet them.

As for the difference between Aspergers and other autistic disorders on the spectrum... my advice would be to read up on it. General described differences are that Aspies have higher IQ and/or that they use their intellect to overcome their issues. Autism can have severe cases where people can't take care of themselves. Some say it's the difference between Sheldon from the Big Bang and Raymond from Rainmen. Honestly though? The definition gets changed every so years and the autistic spectrum is all over the place depending on the person. It even holds conflicting symptoms (loves to be touched/hates to be touched). So if it ever gets serious, research, ask questions even and if you need more advice, we're here to help.

 

[Warmheart]

Welcome to AC. If you want to have a friendly understanding (in general) from an autistic perspective, the book "Through the Eyes of Aliens" by Jasmine Lee O'Neill helps guide you into a positively-framed understanding. It has an awesome explanation of how we balance our love for others in our lives with spending time in our beautiful inner worlds.

Some of us tend toward being slender due to strong sensory sensitivities with food textures. If that's paired with being very stimmy, you'll find a lean autistic.

Best of luck in slowly, gently exploring a relationship with her. I wish you both the best!

 

[Skeleton Canyon]

I don't know of any correlation between autism and eating disorders. The meds I'm on limit my apitite tho which might have that effect if the effect was bad enough (it isn't for me).
I used to have meltdowns and shut downs when I was younger but I haven't for many many many years.

 

[MissyMoo]

Although I am not aware of any specific correlation, I am on the spectrum and I have had anorexia nervosa.

 

[popculturegeeknerd06]

thats the injustice of the world, women will almost never make the first move even if they like a guy or have a crush on him

 

[paloftoon]

I should also add that a label of "high functioning autism" does not necessarily mean that one has a lower IQ than someone with "Aspergers", but any other label besides those two would probably have a leaning toward something lower functioning.