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Being gaslit about being autistic or not

agenderbeing

agenderbeing

Kai (they/them)
I’m a dependent adult (young) that lives with their parents who refuse to admit I have autism and argue/gaslight every time I try to express so. They think my evaluation said I only had “traits.” I’m sick and tired of them thinking their (frankly terrible) understanding of me defines if I am autistic or not and I AM. I shouldn’t have to prove it to anyone because frankly it’s owed to no one least of all myself. I think having it be dependent on a flawed system is wrong. I hate how they recognize my older brother as autistic while for me do not. I am so angry. For over a year now I’ve known I am autistic and it feels like years because over that time I’ve finally come to understand myself better— something inherent to all of my experiences of past and present. I’m suffocating in this household for various reasons and it’s terrible. Does anyone have similar experiences? Advice?
 
There isn't much you gain from being angry at them or needing their recognition. You're better off working on your own problems. Perhaps their understanding of autism is shaped by your brother's experience. Most likely they think they are being helpful by telling you that you're not autistic. Parents do strange things to 1) protect themselves and 2) protect their children even though they may achieve the opposite. So be selfish. Your rage is only hurting yourself. Try to switch to understanding, and focus on how your life could better for yourself. You don't need them to agree with you.
 
My advice….. start making a solid plan to become completely independent from your parents. I had similar problems with my mother. Tons of stress around the whole situation. Maybe it’s time for you to move out on your own.

I was fortunate to have a solid career at a young age, so I was able to move out into my own place. No more bullying from mom. No more arguments on topics that she was absolutely wrong about. No more going to sleep angry and waking up depressed. Just me, figuring life out on my own. It expensive but liberating.
 
I was kicked out at 17, which was great because l had zero emotional support. I was forced to be independent. It's difficult to be out on your own, and quite costly. Maybe you can find a support system outside of your family. Like a group of people who have the same hobby, or a job or you could volunteer, you may learn job skills that will help you be less dependent on your parents.
 
agenderbeing said:
I’m a dependent adult (young) that lives with their parents who refuse to admit I have autism and argue/gaslight every time I try to express so. They think my evaluation said I only had “traits.” I’m sick and tired of them thinking their (frankly terrible) understanding of me defines if I am autistic or not and I AM. I shouldn’t have to prove it to anyone because frankly it’s owed to no one least of all myself. I think having it be dependent on a flawed system is wrong. I hate how they recognize my older brother as autistic while for me do not. I am so angry. For over a year now I’ve known I am autistic and it feels like years because over that time I’ve finally come to understand myself better— something inherent to all of my experiences of past and present. I’m suffocating in this household for various reasons and it’s terrible. Does anyone have similar experiences? Advice?
Click to expand...
Have you been diagnosed as autistic by a qualified behavioral therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist? “Identifying as” or thinking you’re autistic doesn’t make you so…it’s a medical term, a medical diagnosis.
 
Kalinychta said:
Have you been diagnosed as autistic by a qualified behavioral therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist? “Identifying as” or thinking you’re autistic doesn’t make you so…it’s a medical term, a medical diagnosis.
Click to expand...
My parents consistently are vague and I don’t know how to access the information as it’s not in my health provider info etc. I had an overall evaluation of myself before I was aware of anything and the results came down to it being traits but was also conflicting as he said I have twice exceptionality— which means having some kind of neurodivergence or learning disability. I have spoken to many including a therapist about what I experience and when I was evaluated I’d been in a space of internalized ableism. Over the time I learned of myself or the possibility I could be autistic, I found myself identifying with autism more and more. As I am not sure if I have an official diagnosis (and am low-support needs it seems) I know identifying does not mean I actually am. It’s just what fits my life experience best.

I’ve never had a good emotional boundary. Have had fixations throughout childhood and adulthood. Experience texture and especially sound sensory issues. I stim a lot and more. Social cue issues. And a separation of society vs me etc.

Again, this does not mean there isn’t a possibility I am not autistic, but I identify that way. Learning this part of me has allowed me not only to grow in understanding myself but finally make sense of just why I have struggled so much. Why I needed speech therapy to teach me about body language and boundaries. Why I use information rather than feeling in social situations.
 
Regardless of whether you're autistic or not, that medical information is yours to view. You have a right to know what it contains. Not sure how it works in your country, but in most I believe the service provider would be obliged to provide a copy of any medical data they held on you if requested. Have you thought of asking them?

Things like "twice exceptional" aren't really medical terms, so you can't really take much guidance from them.
 
I agree with @MNAus, that information is yours and I think it would be a good exercise for you to figure how to obtain it and read it. You say you are a dependent young adult, but this thread and another suggest you are wanting and needing some autonomy from your parents. Taking control of your own personal medical and health information would be a very important step in gaining some autonomy and independence from your parents.
 
Agreed, is there a way you can contact the original clinic and ask to see the record on file? It might give you some peace of mind.

My youngest is gifted. In the ADOS-2, he did have the intellectual capacity for some of the more clear tasks like asking for puzzle pieces or following a story, but he could not do things like demonstrate brushing teeth, tell abstract stories, play with toys, etc.
 
There may be a time limit on retrieving medical records. If it’s been several years, the facility may have destroyed the documents.

Now is the time to find out.
 
Update: So, turns out I actually DO have an official diagnosis and it was due to our family therapist and not my parents I didn’t know. Definitely something that has impacted my view of these years.
 
That's interesting. I wonder what happened there. It did seem odd to be labeled with "autistic traits" - I see autism as a pretty black or white diagnosis. I even see the strong differences in the baby videos of my NT kid vs. ASD kid.

BTW, good job on tracking all this down and finding this out for yourself. That is a big step forward for anyone. You are your own best advocate!
 
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