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Being Hugged

Tyrantus1212

Tyrantus1212

An odd dinosaur. Yet a dinosaur.
My general observation is that many people with Asperger's don't like being hugged. I might be among the minority in this aspect, but I love being hugged. Being hugged means that someone loves me, cares about me and appreciates me; I need that. A lot. Same thing with being kissed by someone like my mother on the forehead (one of my biggest quirks is that I always ask her to take off her glasses whenever she hugs and kisses me, and the same for when I'm about to kiss her on the forehead myself).

I do experience moments where I want to be left alone, period - but in the general case I really love it when someone hugs me or kisses me (and by kisses I obviously don't mean romantically, I've never been interested in that type of kissing). I tend to not hug people myself though, but being hugged just reminds me of the fact that there are people out there who truly care about me. It's a blessing, you know.

I'm just curious though, what makes most Aspies not like being hugged?
 
Tyrantus1212 said:
My general observation is that many people with Asperger's don't like being hugged. I might be among the minority in this aspect, but I love being hugged. Being hugged means that someone loves me, cares about me and appreciates me; I need that. A lot. Same thing with being kissed by someone like my mother on the forehead (one of my biggest quirks is that I always ask her to take off her glasses whenever she hugs and kisses me, and the same for when I'm about to kiss her on the forehead myself).

I do experience moments where I want to be left alone, period - but in the general case I really love it when someone hugs me or kisses me (and by kisses I obviously don't mean romantically, I've never been interested in that type of kissing). I tend to not hug people myself though, but being hugged just reminds me of the fact that there are people out there who truly care about me. It's a blessing, you know.

I'm just curious though, what makes most Aspies not like being hugged?
Click to expand...

For me it is like how it's difficult to look someone in the eyes when speaking. And other things like shaking hands and being asked how I am today.
This all falls under the no trust zone.
It would be great if I could believe there are people who really care and these expressions aren't just social mannerisms.
Unfortunately my parents were the only ones I truly trusted when it came to knowing the love and loving touches were real.
I've known too many meaningless loving expressions and spoken words that were just said only to find it all very shallow and they easily turn away when you want real comfort. That hurts worse than staying stoic and alone.

I've known Aspies that the not wanting hugs or kisses is because of germ obsessions though.
 
SusanLR said:
For me it is like how it's difficult to look someone in the eyes when speaking. And other things like shaking hands and being asked how I am today.
This all falls under the no trust zone.
It would be great if I could believe there are people who really care and these expressions aren't just social mannerisms.
Unfortunately my parents were the only ones I truly trusted when it came to knowing the love and loving touches were real.
I've known too many meaningless loving expressions and spoken words that were just said only to find it all very shallow and they easily turn away when you want real comfort. That hurts worse than staying stoic and alone.

I've known Aspies that the not wanting hugs or kisses is because of germ obsessions though.
Click to expand...

This makes a lot of sense. Complete sense. I have trust issues, and I don't like people for the most part. It takes me a while to actually start trusting anyone, and whenever that trust is earned a hug is always welcome. I completely detest fake people, especially what they call "fake friends"; I'm not even sure why I'm calling them people. These animals should just rot and they're the main reason why I have trouble with trusting anyone. I'm just shaking in anger as I'm typing this. I would HATE to realize that someone is giving me a fake hug, even if it's just because of "social mannerisms". I would much rather have zillions of honest enemies than one fake friend. I do NOT tolerate fake and if I were to EVER discover that someone I've trusted is fake, that's it. I'd cut off all ties, no second chances. No more contact, no calls, no texts, block them on Facebook, they no longer exist to me. Not only that, but I'd probably stop trusting mankind altogether. I often feel like most of the people on this planet are scum. I'm just gonna end this paragraph right here because the existence of fake friends just brings me into a depression and I feel like I might just burst with a meltdown. Thank you for the insight Susan, it means a lot to me.
 
For me its the person and your culture- im not used to it the way i was when me(my in the north east of england- its for very friendly conversations ) mam was alive
SusanLR said:
For me it is like how it's difficult to look someone in the eyes when speaking. And other things like shaking hands and being asked how I am today.
This all falls under the no trust zone.
It would be great if I could believe there are people who really care and these expressions aren't just social mannerisms.
Unfortunately my parents were the only ones I truly trusted when it came to knowing the love and loving touches were real.
I've known too many meaningless loving expressions and spoken words that were just said only to find it all very shallow and they easily turn away when you want real comfort. That hurts worse than staying stoic and alone.

I've known Aspies that the not wanting hugs or kisses is because of germ obsessions though.
Click to expand...
SusanLR said:
For me it is like how it's difficult to look someone in the eyes when speaking. And other things like shaking hands and being asked how I am today.
This all falls under the no trust zone.
It would be great if I could believe there are people who really care and these expressions aren't just social mannerisms.
Unfortunately my parents were the only ones I truly trusted when it came to knowing the love and loving touches were real.
I've known too many meaningless loving expressions and spoken words that were just said only to find it all very shallow and they easily turn away when you want real comfort. That hurts worse than staying stoic and alone.

I've known Aspies that the not wanting hugs or kisses is because of germ obsessions though.
Click to expand...
 
For me, it depends who. I like hugs from my husband, but sometimes I'll break it off because I'm done with the hug before he is. I don't really like hugs from other people because it makes me uncomfortable. His family are all big huggers, so for the most point I've just had to suck it up.
 
When it comes to my parents and my husband, I'm a hugger. I don't mind hugging my friends either -- we grew up together and it feels nice to be able to comfort them when they need it most. For the rest of the world, it depends. If I feel the person is sincere, it's all right. Heck, I'll even initiate it if I feel the situation calls for it. If it's for greeting a fake "nice" person, nope.

I have this tendency to think about if there's something good, or relatable before I'm able to let some of my guard down. It's not automatic for me to feel close or what, I'll have to talk to them or observe them first.

I agree with it being a matter of trust, and in some instances, I have a hard time tuning out how people smell...I'm not just talking about being stinky, just the combination of cologne, smells of places they've been to and their sweat since my nose is hyper-sensitive.
 
Tyrantus1212 said:
My general observation is that many people with Asperger's don't like being hugged. I might be among the minority in this aspect, but I love being hugged. Being hugged means that someone loves me, cares about me and appreciates me; I need that. A lot. Same thing with being kissed by someone like my mother on the forehead (one of my biggest quirks is that I always ask her to take off her glasses whenever she hugs and kisses me, and the same for when I'm about to kiss her on the forehead myself).

I do experience moments where I want to be left alone, period - but in the general case I really love it when someone hugs me or kisses me (and by kisses I obviously don't mean romantically, I've never been interested in that type of kissing). I tend to not hug people myself though, but being hugged just reminds me of the fact that there are people out there who truly care about me. It's a blessing, you know.

I'm just curious though, what makes most Aspies not like being hugged?
Click to expand...
As for not liking being hugged, I think its a sensory thing a lot of the time.

I love hugs, depending on who they are from and what kind of mood I'm in.

Also, a real hug, none of this quick hands round shoulders rubbish. A real, tight, deep hug.
 
Hugs are fine if they are from those I'm physically intimate with. Otherwise I'm not comfortable with them.

It is what it is with me...whether it sounds odd or not to so many. o_O
 
It depends on who you ask, I guess. for me I find it's a trust thing- If I don't trust someone or have never met them before and they tend to touch me a lot (poking/putting hands my shoulder, hugs, standing only a foot or so away from while making small talk etc) I'll find it uncomfortable and might tell them to take a few steps back if it really bothers me. however if I know someone, and if I consider them a friend, it doesn't bother me enough to voice it. in my case it's not a matter of germs, I just feel uncomfortable. but that's just my opinion, and every person is different, doesn't matter if they're on the spectrum or not.
 
For me, I like hugging, but only people I know and trust. What is still uncomfortable for me is the question of specifics of socially acceptable hugging. I have a hard time with how hard, how long, what position, where to put my head, whose hands go on top, etc. so it just becomes a huge cognitive exercise for me and I don't get to concentrate on the physical or emotional connection, which is the whole reason behind a hug. My therapist is helping me with this, we practice hugging at the end of every session and its made a huge difference for me! I'm starting to be able to practice a natural-feeling hug with my friends and family now, but its taken a long time to get to this point.

There are times where I don't want to be touched for sensory reasons, and I don't like kissing much at all except pecks on the cheek or forehead, but I am one of those few Aspies who CRAVE safe touch on occasion. It just has to be on my terms....and I find cuddling with my dogs to be much more comfortable, although I could still go days without that, too!
 
[QUOTE=" Being hugged means that someone loves me, cares about me and appreciates me; I need that. A lot......being hugged just reminds me of the fact that there are people out there who truly care about me. It's a blessing, you know.[/QUOTE]

For some reason, being hugged does not bring up any of those feelings or associations for me - I have to logically remind myself this is what it means? Also, hugs are traded very casually - people I don't know or barely know may hug me and expect me to hug back - so it doesn't mean anything to me, maybe it is some sign of politeness or safety? But they are invading my space for their own needs/motives. Whether I know them or not, hugging does not bring up any of those positive feelings for me - so for me, it is a totally random violation of my personal space. That feels awkward and uncomfortable - I am able to ignore that, though, mostly. For people I am close to, I treat it logically like it conveys affection - so I just translate it that way.
 
I am not inclined to give or receive hugs. I know this is partly due to my Dad whose idea of giving affection was holding me down. It did a heap of emotional damage. I don't want to be hugged by those closest to me. But there are people I will gladly take hugs from. It's a short list but everyone on that list are those who earned my trust. I am so thankful there's a list and the people on it.
 
I welcome hugs from friends or other people I like, but not from strangers. Hugs from strangers, if they seemed friendly enough, used to be okay but now my misanthropy has set in pretty deep.
 
Thanks for sharing all the opinions. The hugs I was referring to when I made this thread are precisely the ones from friends and close relatives, as they're the ones who truly care about me. People I trust, people who trust me; people who don't discard me like a dirty diaper. I probably wouldn't have liked to be hugged by a stranger, but I was under the impression that many Aspies don't prefer to be hugged even by people they're close to. Looks by some of the replies here that I'm actually not the only one who likes being hugged.
 
I usually don't like hugs from people I hardly know and i never will initiate a hug with them,my aunt when she sees me will sometimes demand a hug from me so I do it but when it comes to my Husband I like his hugs and will hug him,I think it is a trust thing as well but he is the only one who hugs I enjoy.
 
I've always been extremely uncomfortable with hugs. Why I'm unsure. At family gatherings I spend a lot of time concerned about the clumsy greetings and departures. I wish I understood it as well, and could embrace the moment of it more. I think we all have a personal space and when things cross into that zone sensors go off. Handshakes are the best. Good post!
 
I
Sportster said:
I'm somewhat okay with a hug since they're usually from those with whom I closest. That is to say, my friends' kids, my friends, etc. When I was still involved in a traditional church (I'm involved in a house church now), I sorely disliked the constant hugging and displays of affection. I reciprocated as best as I could, but I still found it distasteful.

As for kissing, I have never liked it. I even researched the subject and found there are many who do not enjoy it. The closest I can tolerate is a gentle peck on my friends' daughters' foreheads as they're heading off to bed. They're 6 and 8. I never liked being kissed by my parents and it was totally troubling when my high school girlfriend wanted to French kiss . . . UGH!!!!:tongueclosed:
Click to expand...
i went from an anglican church (the naff guide describes it as the only church you can attend where you DONT have to believe in god-received a very tentative handshake
to assemblies of god a lot more emotional it was a shock of course it was still bizarre
 
Hugging people does not come naturally to me, but I like it. Just this morning, my first thought was "remember to hug your kids", in the same way that I have to remember to do other stuff, like taking a pill. I love hugging my kids and my husband, but it's part of my "remember to function well" list of every day.
When other people initiate the hug, (even my kids or husband) I am kind of startled at first, and then, is like someone in my head tells me "Hey, someone's hugging you, react!", and then I feel happy and remember to put my arms around them.
When hugs are from other people, it depends from whom, but I'm usually extremely aware, thinking stuff like "Am I hugging back? Where are my arms? How long is this suppose to be? Do I have a "this -is -an -awkward- moment face" that needs to be changed? And so on.
 
I don't mind hugs cause I like personal contact, and it's a sign that people are offering a sense of warmth. If a person offers others hugs but not me in the same group of people, then I know that person doesn't care about me as a human being. I like being able to use it as a way to read other people in that way too. In many of these cases, people do that based on my appearance and wildly different interests than them even though I am very well mannered and amiable enough in the group overall. Very sad, but at least I'm aware of those particular social cues.

I do mind kisses. Not many people do it, but a few do. I feel it's intrusive, and only want it from people I'm attracted to, lol. Prefer not to even kiss with family, haha.
 
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