Being Misunderstood

[KevinMao133]

They don’t understand how important routines are to me

This is what keeps me on

“Oh it’s not a big deal.”

“Oh you gotta be more flexible.”

I can’t, cuz I’m still far away from normalcy

In fact sticking to routines is what drives me, what keeps me on

When you have family members and people around you telling this, it’s hard to say no

Do things I don’t want to do, it’s difficult

 

[Raggamuffin]

“Oh you gotta be more flexible.”
Oh I'm sorry, where does it say on my job description that I'm a contortionist?

A lot of people will try and normalise what stresses us out. I think they hope it'll de-escalate things, but in reality it can cause more frustration when it feels like someone isn't listening.

Ed

 

[KevinMao133]

“Oh you gotta be more flexible.”
Oh I'm sorry, where does it say on my job description that I'm a contortionist?

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A lot of people will try and normalise what stresses us out. I think they hope it'll de-escalate things, but in reality it can cause more frustration when it feels like someone isn't listening.

Ed

I doubt it will happen. Maybe I will finally learn the ropes of life when I’m 100, who knows

 

[Raggamuffin]

We have to try our best to set boundaries or point out when people cross them. Unfortunately that too is often met with gaslighting:

"there's no reason to get angry"

That's one I encounter a lot. Problem is, I wasn't angry. But them saying that I am has inadvertently made me furious.

Perhaps it's our tone as well. If I hear something I don't like, my tone and facial expressions are apparently easy to read. But people seem to "poke the bear" rather than understand I am how I am.

It's not as if my behaviour is anything new. Yet every time they bring up the same statements that don't help - they hinder. But trying to make yourself understood is just met with more counterproductive statements by them.

Going on a walk helps clear my head, but I often feel like I rarely stand my ground, but when I do - it doesn't help me feel better about myself, because me standing up for myself is met by other people feeling vindicated or some such.

Not sure what ropes there are in life tbh - but plenty enough to get some rope burns. I'd insert a suicide joke, but best not.

Ed

 

[Owliet]

They don’t understand how important routines are to me

This is what keeps me on

“Oh it’s not a big deal.”

“Oh you gotta be more flexible.”

I can’t, cuz I’m still far away from normalcy

In fact sticking to routines is what drives me, what keeps me on

When you have family members and people around you telling this, it’s hard to say no

Do things I don’t want to do, it’s difficult

Unfortunately we live in a world that cares too much about being spontaneous than sticking to a routine and don’t understand why a loss or change in a solid routine can be upsetting. I used to follow a set routine and would become very upset if it was broken, now I’ve learnt that sometimes I do have to be adaptable because a situation calls for it and no matter how much planning is involved, it doesn’t always work out the way that I want. But as an adult now I do have some freedom to try to ensure that the balance between the spontaneity and the safety of having something that is continuous can happen.

 

[OkRad]

They want fish to live out of water. Ask them to engage in YOUR routine every day so they can see how hard it would be for them but necessary for you.

 

[Matthias]

They don’t understand how important routines are to me

This is what keeps me on

“Oh it’s not a big deal.”

“Oh you gotta be more flexible.”

I can’t, cuz I’m still far away from normalcy

In fact sticking to routines is what drives me, what keeps me on

When you have family members and people around you telling this, it’s hard to say no

Do things I don’t want to do, it’s difficult

Why do you need routines? I think very literally so I don't know what you mean when you say it drives you or keeps you on. Would something bad happen if you decided to be more flexible?

 

[Suzette]

I drive my family crazy with my needs too. After many years of always getting left out of planning Instarted saying no and pushing back.
Practice being polite but firm.
Above all, when others start trying to tear you down try not to let it bother you.
Try to see these people as just having a tantrum.
Don't forget, if YOU can handle meeting their needs, they can handle meeting yours too!

In fact practice saying just that "If I can handle doing things your way, you can handle doing things my way too."

Rational, calm, polite push back drives them nuts! It feels really good when you do it.

 

[Kalinychta]

Why do you need routines? I think very literally so I don't know what you mean when you say it drives you or keeps you on. Would something bad happen if you decided to be more flexible?

One of the most common symptoms of autism is obsession with routine. From the DSM: “Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat same food every day).”

 

[KevinMao133]

Why do you need routines? I think very literally so I don't know what you mean when you say it drives you or keeps you on. Would something bad happen if you decided to be more flexible?

not necessarily something bad but I worry I might lose it all. It’s impossible to explain

 

[Suzette]

Why do you need routines? I think very literally so I don't know what you mean when you say it drives you or keeps you on. Would something bad happen if you decided to be more flexible?

For myself, routines are important support for my life skills and nedds. Routines mean I don't have to start from scratch for everything I do and risk forgetting important things like paying the bills on time. And when the rest of the world is acting nutty, routines soothe me and give me a sense of control. Somthing like "this bit of the world is mine".

Routines help me to harness self control too. I am esentially a hedonist but I can make sure I am not over indulging stuff that isn't good for me by just following my routine.

Frankly, lots and lots of n.t. folk have pedantic adherance to routines too. But they are not the subject of research studies of how they think so their routines and adherance to them are barely noticed. Like the guy who gets short tempered because he can't go for his run or the person who has an anxiety attack because they can't get an appointment with their prefered hair dresser.

If you are n.t. and your reaction to a disrupted routine is negative people just call you a jerk. But if you are known as n.d. they others treat your negative reaction as something extraordinary and the fuss over you more about it.