Being myself

[SimonSays]

I knew I was hiding without realising why. And I think this was damaging as it led me to live a life that wasn’t mine.

In order to deal with the world and fit in, I created a version of myself and became so good at making it seem like I was him, that I forgot it was a creation and started to believe it was real. I could be in the world as long as I wore the right suit, the right hat, said the right things in the right way, I could fool them and myself into believing that I was one of them.

To a point that is. Because it always got to a point where suddenly I realised I was being seen. I would then be found to be a fraud. I was still a little boy, just in a grown-up NT suit, who found he could experience this otherwise alien world.

The moment somebody saw me as a little bit weird, revealing that the mask had slipped and my Difference had been revealed, I couldn't bear it. I couldn't stand it. I had to get away quick.

At some point I realised it. I didn't know why I just knew it was helping me. But then I realised it was not helping me at all because I never got to practice being myself.

So eventually I decided I had to let myself out. But having spent so much time living inside, when I left the protection of the mask, I didn't know how to be in the world at all. I had no choice but to surrender. I had to kind of let life do it and trust that it would be ok.

Within a year I went to volunteer in Israel at the beginning of the first Gulf War. Then, as a result of the experience I had there, was able to go to a little known Ashram in India where I had a profound mystical experience that revealed to me that actually who I really was Is somebody I need to let out.

I've struggled with this my whole life. Sometimes I still discover I'm hiding without realising it. It was important that I step into the light, because if I didn't I was a fake. I was deceiving. I was hiding myself. Now I understand more about why I was doing it and what it was protecting me from, and it was protecting me. But it was also deceiving me.

I no longer feel like I need to be so protected even though I still struggle. I need to be around people like me, and if I could be around people like me where it's okay to be who I am, that might be the best solution of all.

 

[Suzanne]

I relate very well, but due to terrible social anxiety or phobia, I could not venture around the world, such as you have done, which is so sad for me.

Since I received my diagnosis, I am "letting slip" my "real face" and feel a bit more comfortable around people ( well, in fairness, via zoom, so it is debatable whether it will continue once things are back to normal).

You are right, that it is counterproductive. I have suffered hugely from IBS, because I have reigned myself in, as it appears that as soon as I become a little of who I am, I have made errors and that has left me feeling drained, so "pull myself back up; slip on that "mask" and keep pretending" but of course, the abdominal pains would start.

I especially feel uncomfortable around children and I think it is because I fear that they can see something evil in me.

One female said to me a few year's ago: I know you, more than you think I do and immediately I felt a cold chill up my spine! What does she know? Am I evil? Do I have something terribly unsavioury about me? And so forth. And I am now sure it is because of not being my true self ( the lines being blurred). I have sometimes been asked what do I like? What are my views etc and my mind would go blank.

Much better now, since my diagnosis.

 

[SimonSays]

I relate very well, but due to terrible social anxiety or phobia, I could not venture around the world, such as you have done, which is so sad for me.

Yes I understand. The strange thing is I can’t do it anymore. I think the only reason I was able to was because I had created this protective mechanism around me that was beginning to be removed but was still there. And I had this feeling and I felt a presence protecting me.

And I am now sure it is because of not being my true self ( the lines being blurred).

Yes. It is a strange thing that we create. A kind of entity representing ourselves in the world even though it isn’t us. I actually felt like it wanted to live independently of me and once I realised it was taking over my life in a way that I hadn’t imagined, it became very difficult to manage it. It’s why I knew it had to go. I believed it had helped me and then when I realised it wasn’t it wanted to continue and resisted being released. I don’t know that it ever will be truly released.

 

[Wolfsage]

I pretend to be Batman in public. It's fun.

 

[SimonSays]

I pretend to be Batman in public. It's fun.

Do you wear the costume and everything? LOLLOL

i’m assuming that no one would know that you’re doing this. What do you do that makes you feel Batman-like?

 

[Wolfsage]

Do you wear the costume and everything? LOLLOL

i’m assuming that no one would know that you’re doing this. What do you do that makes you feel Batman-like?

Intimadating body posture and look. Though in an off handed way. Scanning the room like Batman on his perch. And no a wolf does not look good in a Batman costume.

 

[OkRad]

I pretend to be Batman in public. It's fun.

I pretend to be Hannibal (Barca, not Lecter!!) See my Icon

 

[OkRad]

I knew I was hiding without realising why. And I think this was damaging as it led me to live a life that wasn’t mine.

In order to deal with the world and fit in, I created a version of myself and became so good at making it seem like I was him, that I forgot it was a creation and started to believe it was real. I could be in the world as long as I wore the right suit, the right hat, said the right things in the right way, I could fool them and myself into believing that I was one of them.

To a point that is. Because it always got to a point where suddenly I realised I was being seen. I would then be found to be a fraud. I was still a little boy, just in a grown-up NT suit, who found he could experience this otherwise alien world.

The moment somebody saw me as a little bit weird, revealing that the mask had slipped and my Difference had been revealed, I couldn't bear it. I couldn't stand it. I had to get away quick.

At some point I realised it. I didn't know why I just knew it was helping me. But then I realised it was not helping me at all because I never got to practice being myself.

So eventually I decided I had to let myself out. But having spent so much time living inside, when I left the protection of the mask, I didn't know how to be in the world at all. I had no choice but to surrender. I had to kind of let life do it and trust that it would be ok.

Within a year I went to volunteer in Israel at the beginning of the first Gulf War. Then, as a result of the experience I had there, was able to go to a little known Ashram in India where I had a profound mystical experience that revealed to me that actually who I really was Is somebody I need to let out.

I've struggled with this my whole life. Sometimes I still discover I'm hiding without realising it. It was important that I step into the light, because if I didn't I was a fake. I was deceiving. I was hiding myself. Now I understand more about why I was doing it and what it was protecting me from, and it was protecting me. But it was also deceiving me.

I no longer feel like I need to be so protected even though I still struggle. I need to be around people like me, and if I could be around people like me where it's okay to be who I am, that might be the best solution of all.

You were lucky to have those profound experiences. Many of us feel like kids in adult bodies. I didn't know I was masking so bad till I could not do it anymore. Now it hurts to do it but I have to around some people some times.........

 

[Wolfsage]

I pretend to be Hannibal (Barca, not Lecter!!) See my Icon

Somewhat familiar with him.

 

[WolfSpirit]

I knew I was hiding without realising why. And I think this was damaging as it led me to live a life that wasn’t mine.

In order to deal with the world and fit in, I created a version of myself and became so good at making it seem like I was him, that I forgot it was a creation and started to believe it was real. I could be in the world as long as I wore the right suit, the right hat, said the right things in the right way, I could fool them and myself into believing that I was one of them.

To a point that is. Because it always got to a point where suddenly I realised I was being seen. I would then be found to be a fraud. I was still a little boy, just in a grown-up NT suit, who found he could experience this otherwise alien world.

The moment somebody saw me as a little bit weird, revealing that the mask had slipped and my Difference had been revealed, I couldn't bear it. I couldn't stand it. I had to get away quick.

At some point I realised it. I didn't know why I just knew it was helping me. But then I realised it was not helping me at all because I never got to practice being myself.

So eventually I decided I had to let myself out. But having spent so much time living inside, when I left the protection of the mask, I didn't know how to be in the world at all. I had no choice but to surrender. I had to kind of let life do it and trust that it would be ok.

Within a year I went to volunteer in Israel at the beginning of the first Gulf War. Then, as a result of the experience I had there, was able to go to a little known Ashram in India where I had a profound mystical experience that revealed to me that actually who I really was Is somebody I need to let out.

I've struggled with this my whole life. Sometimes I still discover I'm hiding without realising it. It was important that I step into the light, because if I didn't I was a fake. I was deceiving. I was hiding myself. Now I understand more about why I was doing it and what it was protecting me from, and it was protecting me. But it was also deceiving me.

I no longer feel like I need to be so protected even though I still struggle. I need to be around people like me, and if I could be around people like me where it's okay to be who I am, that might be the best solution of all.

Sounds a lot like me in high school. It took me 2 years of hard work to break the "automatic pilot", and longer until I stopped falling into lesser, "human emulation mode"s.under stress. By then I was into University. What helped me most was contact with other autistics, both online and IRL at Autreat. I always had a point where I had to give up the pretending though, at least when it was safe to do so, as it always felt so poisonous and destructive to myself. I never quite managed to convince myself that this automatic pilot stuff was real. At some point, some part of me would always rebel.

It definitely takes practice to be ones self out in the world. Takes validation too. And a certain amount of determination to not care about "looking weird" in a harmless fashion. It can be done though. I'd rather be me, and deal with the consequences, but be happy and at peace with myself than be outwardly successful and "fit in", but inwardly miserable.

 

[SusanLR]

When I had to attend a family gathering, I never felt at ease or that I could be myself with the adults.
The small talk was about things I had no interest in. Especially with the women that grouped together.
How to bake a certain cake, someone had a baby or an operation, their family and boring daily life,
girlfriends, boyfriends, marriages, divorces, on and on.
I had no interest in ever having children, but, it seemed eventually the kids in those gatherings would
find me and take me away from the group into a Peter Pan like children's world where I relaxed, felt
at ease, didn't feel judged or questioned and we would play with the pets, investigate the outside world
of plants, insects, etc. The child inside the adult body could come out to play.

Of course I became very good at masking when I needed. And in a sense, it gave me some
confidence in myself. Thinking if I can pull this off so well the NT world accepted me and even
looked up to me at certain times like when I was teaching or modeling.

As a child in grade school, I also had that mentor type of fictional characture that I liked pretending
I was like. With me it was Spock instead of a superhero. The intellectual, logical, alien way of
working problems out.

Now I am a seniour and the masking isn't that important or needed.
I think getting live in an Indian ashram is great. I always wanted to live a part of my life
like that, but, never had the opportunity.
Getting an associate's in Metaphysical studies and teaching in that area was as close as I came
to that lifestyle. I was an assistant to a Zen master for awhile who taught Kung Fu, tai chi and
energy work. That was fun and an experience.

 

[SimonSays]

I was an assistant to a Zen master for awhile who taught Kung Fu, tai chi and
energy work. That was fun and an experience.

I bet!

I’m fascinated by the idea of assisting a Zen master. May I ask how you came to be doing this?

 

[SimonSays]

I’ve only been here a few days and already this place feels like home.

Not only have I learned things, but I’ve understood myself in a new way. This place appeared just when I needed it, out of a moment when I followed a thought about finding it.

This has only happened once before, and it was there I came across a rather special man. An autistic epileptic with debilitating Gran Mal seizures who had hallucinations in all 5 senses and took no meds. A man of such profundity who I spent years talking to and was lucky to stay with him and his family just before he died. He changed my life. He would’ve loved it here too.

 

[SimonSays]

Sometimes it’s hard to know who ‘myself’ is. Perhaps that’s true for many of us. I can be different in different situations, can be different depending on who I’m with. There is a core ‘self’ where I can feel like it’s the same me in any situation, and I have experienced myself this way. It feels stable and consistent and if I could be this way all the time I feel I could deal with anything. It creates familiarity through recognisable responses and reactions, consistent opinions and preferences, and seems to be more ‘normal’ than being someone who constantly feels differently about things.

I am ok with who I am. It is who I know myself to be. We all have our issues, even the well-adjusted. But this core self. This stable Simon. I like him too. People accept him more easily. I like being accepted. I don’t have to fit in but it does feel nice to do so. I can’t make it happen just because I want it to. I certainly don’t want to be accepted by being someone else.

When I was living inside my own creation of me, thinking I had cracked it in how to live in the world, it was easier in many ways. Perhaps like a cop going undercover, creating a legend and having to live in a world that is not theirs but must appear to be in order to achieve the result required. For me that was just being accepted and living my life. And while some undercover cops do get lost in their role, most always know they are not the character they play. Just like a good method actor does.

Sometimes I could see myself to be an actor playing a role, just that I wasn’t reading someone else’s lines I was improvising on the spot and seemingly quite good at it. But unlike an actor I never let go of the role. And when I finally did, I had no idea who I was anymore. How do you discover yourself again? And what are the pitfalls in doing so?

I recognised a kind of corruption of the ego. I was able to get away with things that I shouldn’t have, because there was an inside looking out. I could make the outside ‘me’ behave a certain way so that to the others they couldn’t see there was an inside that was manipulating and controlling the direction of events. I liked the feeling of being in control. It made me feel a confidence that wasn’t real. And down the rabbit hole I went.

I may still be in there, but I don’t want to be him anymore. I’m trying to get out, and sometimes think I have, but keep discovering that’s not true. It’s a lot heavier to live here than in heaven. I’m not sure how to find my way home. Faith and belief don’t feel real here. Hard to believe anything really. But I’m speaking to you and that means something. I guess we all might need saving in some way.