Being naive in sibling relationship

[Sabrina]

I've just realized I've been
extremely naive regarding my relationship with my sister .
In a nutshell: She's been a bully all my life and I 've always made excuses for her inconsiderate behavior. I've just connected the dots, and I don't want to contact her anymore. I feel very sad... and also angry, first because I feel betrayed, second because I can't believe I didn't realize this before.Has something like that happened to you?

 

[Keigan]

I suspect that identifying her behavior might have been kind of hard, as it is what you probably have accepted and expected of her for many years. Try to not feel angry or sad - you have a distinguished gift and going forward you can decide how that awareness impacts you or not.

Move forward with this profound gift and be strong.

 

[Mia]

Cared for my older sister very much, it's what I thought you were supposed to do. No matter what she did. But she was never really much of a sister to me. She ridiculed me quite a bit, and bullied me endlessly. We were never close, she continually lied about things, and would punch me or slap me. When I complained to a parent she would lie and say she'd done nothing and I was lying. So I stopped saying anything, and endured it as she was the favored one. She became an alcoholic and last I knew was still as controlling and unhappy as she ever was.

There was a good thing that came out of it, from her example I became the opposite. And was I think a compassionate older sister to my younger siblings.

 

[Gritches]

When my 14-years-estranged career criminal older brother showed up looking for a place to live, I decided I'd take it upon myself to try to help him get his life on track seeing as I had recently done the same and so thought myself in a good position to know what to do. For the next 4 years we went through this cycle of him repeatedly taking advantage of me, refusing to do anything to help himself, stealing from me, etc. I kept thinking I could fix him if I didn't give up on him. I guess I thought it was my responsibility or something, like I was the only one who could help.

I would've let that cycle keep going until I was destitute as well, but he finally took his advantage way too far and did something that almost got me killed in a horrible fashion just to save his own ass from something stupid he did. He tried to sell my soul to pay the price for his indiscretions. That was a mistake. I have never been that mad, and once he found out I knew what he was trying to pull and that I "wanted to have a word with him" he got right the hell out of Dodge in a fast hurry. Didn't even stop by to pick up his toothbrush. Hmm, I guess he is smart after all. Haven't spoken to him since, of course.

I swear, you give people an inch and they take as many miles as they can before you put a stop to it, blood or not.

 

[toothless]

I've just realized I've been
extremely naive regarding my relationship with my sister .
In a nutshell: She's been a bully all my life and I 've always made excuses for her inconsiderate behavior. I've just connected the dots, and I don't want to contact her anymore. I feel very sad... and also angry, first because I feel betrayed, second because I can't believe I didn't realize this before.Has something like that happened to you?

sabrina,i totally agree,cut her out of your life if shes making you miserable,my sister is aspie but shes also an ignorant bully who resents me incredibly for 'ruining the family'.
she has done things such as smash plates and cups and run off so that im left with the blame and get beaten from my dad as i was non verbal at the time and my sister took advantage of this.

a few months ago,she went on my facebook, 'fraped' me,made fun of my sensory equipment and my medical need for a nappy,bullied my vulnerable autistic mates and plus under my account/my name wrote that 'my sister has more intelligence than me',which really hit a nerve as i have intellectual disability.i was upset and told my parents and they stuck up for her saying it was only a joke.i forgave her eventually but she weirdly ranted via my parents and through facebook messages after i blocked her that it was my fault and she will never forgive me.my parents said its not her fault as 'shes going through the early menopause' i dont give a sht what your going through if your going to bully me and other vulnerable autistic adults you are a childish coward and have the maturity of a brick.

we have such an awkward relationship now,she didnt let me see my neices for a while which upset me as she was telling them bad things about me,her husband actually stuck up for me.
i havent seen her in ages and i dont really plan on seeing her if im honest,as she has been saying to my parents how bad it is that im not seeing the kids-she is really rubishing me to them,she lives miles away so its not easy getting to her and i have rapid cycling bipolar which means from one day to another i can be manic and ready for anything then absolutely rock bottom so i dont like planning things with her.

 

[Sabrina]

Thank you all for your support. Sometimes, looking at the reality of a relationship is very hard. Someone that I thought "was there for me", was not, and what's worse, she's backstabed me several times, and she has shown no sign of regret. Just the opposite, actually, she acts like she's all proud of her actions.
I just know that I don't want to get hurt anymore. And the only way to do it is cutting contact with her .

 

[Keigan]

If who she is, or all she can be; is to tear you down then you are better off spending time and energy with others.

 

[Mia]

It's both interesting and frustrating that when people discover they are autistic, there is a period of perspective changes. Reinterpreting things that occurred in the past with a different view, seeing so many things in a different light.

Much of the rumination occurred in the first two years that I began to research the concept of autism. That was when I realized how emotionally under-aged I was. How friends and family thought me naive and manipulable.

Ended a long time relationship with a girl-friend from childhood who was a bully, because she could not adjust to the idea that I wouldn't stand for her treatment anymore. She, like my older sister could not have any relationships in which she wasn't in control.

 

[icesyckel]

One of my sisters is really naive, actually, but not me so much. I'd say I am more clueless about what goes on in their heads, but I'm not really naive about it. I know something's going on in their heads, and I'm hesitant to trust that it is ever accurate or in my best interest.

 

[Sabrina]

Ended a long time relationship with a girl-friend from childhood who was a bully, because she could not adjust to the idea that I wouldn't stand for her treatment anymore. She, like my older sister could not have any relationships in which she wasn't in control.

Yes Mia, I'm going through that period. I am also at the verge of ending my relationship with an old friend for the same reason.
A few months ago, when I forgot her son's birthday, she told me: "Oh, as always, Sabrina the interplanetary, flying in the stratosphere, haha". Then, in the nicest way that I could, I told her: "please, I don't like to be called that (I've been called variations of that all my life, like "always in the clouds, absentminded, etc" so it would be"fun" and people would laugh at me) . Don't do it. Don't make fun of me" ( I was also enraged because I've made a HUGE effort all my adult life to remember that kind of stuff).

Well, she asked me that "what was the point of being friends if we can't laugh at each other "(I've never made fun of her).She even asked me where was my sense of humor. I, as kindly as possible, told her that we would have to agree to disagree and just left it at it (and come on, I'm 43 years now! Enough is enough

But now she's been trying to contact me via Whatsapp, phone calls and skype , and I 'm not answering because I don't feel like being treated like that again. Besides, why can't she respect my privacy? A few years ago she wouldn't return any messages or calls from me because she was going through a rough time. I get it. Why can't she respect the fact that I don't want to talk now ? I'm being rethoric, I know why. It's because she is not thinking about my feelings or wellbeing, only hers. More reason not to answer.

 

[icesyckel]

Huh. I find that I typically get along better with women than men, but it sounds like you (Sabrina) and Mia might benefit from male friendships. I've heard my wife say almost exactly what Mia said about "...because she could not adjust to the idea that I wouldn't stand for her treatment anymore."

This may sound a bit sexist, but I think women have to jockey for position/leadership and/or basic respect in female friendships, but I don't think that applies in friendships between women and men (so long as they are just friendships). The same may be true of men in reverse (male friendships), but I haven't had a close male friend in many years now and don't really recall that ever having been an issue (at least for me).

 

[Sabrina]

Huh. I find that I typically get along better with women than men, but it sounds like you (Sabrina) and Mia might benefit from male friendships. I've heard my wife say almost exactly what Mia said about "...because she could not adjust to the idea that I wouldn't stand for her treatment anymore."

This may sound a bit sexist, but I think women have to jockey for position/leadership and/or basic respect in female friendships, but I don't think that applies in friendships between women and men (so long as they are just friendships). The same may be true of men in reverse (male friendships), but I haven't had a close male friend in many years now and don't really recall s that ever having been an issue (at least for me).

]]]
When I was a teenager I used to get a long better with men than with women. But now is kind of difficult to have a male friend.

 

[icesyckel]

When I was a teenager I used to get a long better with men than with women. But now is kind of difficult to have a male friend.

If you mean because your married/partnered, then I get that too. I tend to befriend my wife's friends so that she doesn't get upset with me for being friendly with women she doesn't know, but even that can be difficult, as I can think of one instance where I really felt like her friend (who was also married) had a bit of a crush on me. That got a bit awkward, as I have more in common in terms of shared interests with the friend (but overall more in common with my wife). I've avoided being alone with that particular friend ever since.

 

[ms grey]

Just because they are family does not mean anything. keep your respect, dignity and your mind.

I have an older half brother who has antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) but he likes dogs so I do not think he kills except he was a hunter when I knew him. My mom, who had the same condition, removed him from her will. ASPD is inherited. I do not deal with this brother and did not have to deal with him when my mom passed. I had to deal with my younger who was suddenly so nice to me as I was the executor but that is over and I do not deal with him either. People with ASPD, narcissism, or histrionic disorders tend to be bullies - I should really say they will bully and look for people to bully. I did not deal with my older brother and I learned to say to my mom what she wanted to hear and to block out her toxic BS and I did not live with her. When she passed, I was a whole 5 days by car away from her.

Why did I stay in contact with my mom? She inherited, passed, and I and my younger brother inherited. I developed fortitude and patience and the ability to ignore things. It is not necessary to forgive if you can ignore and realize a scorpion is always a scorpion. Do I need to forgive a scorpion?

It is OK to not be around family, especially if they treat you badly. I developed friendships with other women that were sisterly in nature. Upon looking back, all of us had toxic mothers. The sisterhood of the toxic mother.

 

[Mia]

This may sound a bit sexist, but I think women have to jockey for position/leadership and/or basic respect in female friendships, but I don't think that applies in friendships between women and men (so long as they are just friendships). The same may be true of men in reverse (male friendships), but I haven't had a close male friend in many years now and don't really recall that ever having been an issue (at least for me).

It's not sexist, there are relationships where one person is more dominant than the other. Although that happens with both male and female relationships. I've had long term friendships where that didn't happen, where one person respected the other in an equitable way. Neither tried to control the other person. I met an old friend last year who mentioned that I was the only friend she had who treated her equally, and she's not forgotten our friendship as teenagers. I was surprised by her statement but realized it was true.

 

[Ambi]

I've just realized I've been
extremely naive regarding my relationship with my sister .
In a nutshell: She's been a bully all my life and I 've always made excuses for her inconsiderate behavior. I've just connected the dots, and I don't want to contact her anymore. I feel very sad... and also angry, first because I feel betrayed, second because I can't believe I didn't realize this before.Has something like that happened to you?

My brother abused me a lot, from the time I was born. Yet he was whom I admired most. I keep in mind that he was only a few years older than me, and I never saw my parents teach him any better. My parents were too busy to be there for me most of the time, so I may have latched onto my brother the way I should have instead attached to my mother. That must have been frustrating for him as well. But yeah......I am still naive emotionally when it comes to him, though I am better about keeping some distance. He certainly keeps it from me. From him I absorbed the worst messages early on, the ones I stil deal with - that I am inherently disgusting. Now, as adults, it seems he cares because I'm his sister, but he still finds me pathetic or annoying or repulsive, but tries to genuinely hide that reaction?? That has been the deepest poison in my soul. And now, I don't know if all he said when I was a kid was just frank and true - that I am inherently weird, disgusting, and annoying, and a loser, and no one would ever truly like me - whether it's true, how true it is, whether it's from Asperger's, or whether he just poisoned me and caused these problems in my life - whether I am imagining the evidence, or whether it was caused by the poison he spoke into me - or whether, yeah, I was a weird Aspie kid, and he couldn't stand me. Everyone else joined in in making fun of me, even family - and he was always the popular one, I was the pathetic unpopular one - even my own parents didn't like me. They loved me, but they didn't like me. So......when even your own mother doesn't like you.....then was what my brother said just the truth? So.....yeah, sorry for that tanget. Yeah, my brother was definitely abuse - not just verbally, emotionally, physically. Even a couple of years ago he threatened to beat me up for speaking up about something serious. Gosh, I can't emphasize enough - I'm almost 40, and nearly every waking moment has been full of that doubt and sadness about being inherently disgusting, pathetic, annoying, and worthless. It is one of the major flavors of the way I experience every day of my life.

 

[Ambi]

It is not necessary to forgive if you can ignore and realize a scorpion is always a scorpion. Do I need to forgive a scorpion?

That's an amazing piece of insight for me.

 

[JoyChaos]

ha same. i just dont talk to my sister that often anymore plus she has bi polar disorder and refuses to take medications for it, so......she kind of drives me crazy

 

[ms grey]

In response to Ambi - and everyone else with a family that did not really see you to like and truly love you. Tearing you down is a way of controlling you. Within each of of is the Divine, whether you call it God, Buddha-nature or "name your Divine self" nature. I am sure many Aspies/Autistics went through a period of digging out from family, acquaintances and social institutions (mainly school) that did not care. I was probably a challenge for everyone in my childhood. I was not a mischief maker but was in my own world and not part of their social thing. When I came out of my fog, I saw the world differently and did not realize it. I responded differently. Probably many on the spectrum did this, I don't know. My experience is with myself and other engineers. Many engineers and software folks also saw the world differently. Even though they were "high functioning", they all had childhood issues with family and school. They dealt sometimes with the negative garbage flung at them way into adulthood like it was yesterday.

The human animal does not like to expand to a world the is not in their comfort place. Every time I read/hear about abuse (that is what this is), I get angry and sad.

It is OK to walk away from Toxic family. I would put in a disclaimer here - over 18. Under 18 or in a legal guardianship, the rules are different and I do not know all the ends and outs here. I know how to ignore relatives. During my life, I learned how to talk to them and ignore them. But it took a while.

 

[HelzBelz]

I've just realized I've been
extremely naive regarding my relationship with my sister .
In a nutshell: She's been a bully all my life and I 've always made excuses for her inconsiderate behavior. I've just connected the dots, and I don't want to contact her anymore. I feel very sad... and also angry, first because I feel betrayed, second because I can't believe I didn't realize this before.Has something like that happened to you?

Yes, can totally relate, although I've realised it's my mum who has always been manipulative and bullying, and like you, I've made excuses and justified it to myself. It's sad to break contact, but a necessary step to grieving the awareness you now have and slowly rebuilding yourself around this new reality. Huge empathy for you; be gentle and let yourself go through this process at the pace that feels right for you.