Being on the autism spectrum and being gay but really struggling to find any friends or relationships

[Turbocks]

Hello what I am going to talk about is something that I pretty much never hear people talk about on places like youtube nor have I heard anything about it being represented in things like movies or video games and it's the representation of gays on the autism spectrum. So for some time now I have been identifying myself as gay and I discovered it during my very late teens and looking back at my childhood it was blatantly obvious I was always like that but I never really realised it until later in life

I did start to look for things like video games and movies for some actually realistic representation of gay people and some of my personal favourites would be Sam and Max which was one of the first ones I discovered and I did try to use the Grindr dating app but I never cared much about it and eventually I uninstalled it which was for the better anyways even if I did at one point chat with a local user living in my city who just so happened to be in the same boat as me but sadly nothing came of it and I was ghosted afterwards never hearing of him since then.

One thing which Is also important to mention is that I am also very isolated lonely and introverted preferring to stay inside with my laptop in bed or on the sofa which also does not help at all in finding friends but that is probably also not uncommon for people on the spectrum.

Besides that I am also decently overweight because of emotional overeating + not getting any asleep most of time and I struggle with mental health issues such as depression where one of the things that can and will happen is that I become stuck to my bed sometimes for an entire day and my diet usually consists of fast food like hot dogs / burgers or anything else that does not require my effort to make also I have a big tendency to self neglect my self care such as going days without shaving and brushing my teeth or even showering and lastly I don't have very high self esteem tending to bash myself because of tiny mistakes but also I am very afraid of being emotionally hurt or abused because of how emotionally and verbally abusive my father was to me growing up which was the major reason I cut ties with him as an adult and now the only person I trust to be there for me is my mom because she was never abusive like he was and was like the polar opposite of him.

Recently as mentioned in previous threads on the forum a few months ago I lost my pet rabbit who never got to grow up because he died when he was just 6 months old which ended up having a incredibly negative effect on my mental health as a result and the problems that were there before it happened only became so much worse for me especially overeating and the sleep issues and I have yet to recover from it since and caring for him was the only thing that mattered to me because he was one of my only friends and I did everything for him including self sacrifice such as not eating any food myself on some days if it meant he would be happy and healthy even though I had money to feed myself regularly I chose not to.

This is one of the major reasons why I am having difficulty finding friends because I do not ever want to experience that same type of abuse ever again but besides that I do have a fear of failure and rejection and I tend to blame myself for anything that goes wrong even if it was not my fault and I cannot even remotely handle people that scream and yell or argue because I shut down and become silent as a result of childhood verbal abuse and just being more sensitive in general because of becoming overwhelmed.

At one point I did try to make a thread on the supposedly accepting gaybros subreddit about my experiences but sadly the thread was locked by a stupid reddit mod for seemingly no reason at all although I have a suspicion that it was because I talked about autism and there were several people on said thread mentioning how nobody talks about that kind of stuff and being in the same boat as me although later threads talking about similar topics did not get taken down but were instead not noticed at all or seemingly ignored.

Anybody else that feels the same?

 

[Outdated]

Except for being gay you pretty much just summed up how I have been for the past 18 months. The answer is to find an active hobby that keeps your mind busy, but that's easier said than done. I've tried a few different things over the last 6 months and I'm now trying to return to an old hobby - photography.

For me depression seems to come in waves, every 5 years or so, and with that comes weight gain which reduces your self esteem. When I'm happy I'm much more active and the weight falls away.

 

[Turbocks]

Except for being gay you pretty much just summed up how I have been for the past 18 months. The answer is to find an active hobby that keeps your mind busy, but that's easier said than done. I've tried a few different things over the last 6 months and I'm now trying to return to an old hobby - photography.

For me depression seems to come in waves, every 5 years or so, and with that comes weight gain which reduces your self esteem. When I'm happy I'm much more active and the weight falls away.

I do have one hobby which is malware analysis but it leads to me becoming stuck in front of my laptop because analysing malware can be time consuming depending on the task especially reverse engineering malicious executables like information stealers or banking trojans that have a ton of anti analysis methods and multiple layers of obfuscation which is the case with the well known malware dropper called Guloader/Cloudeye.

 

[Slime_Punk]

I do have one hobby which is malware analysis but it leads to me becoming stuck in front of my laptop because analysing malware can be time consuming depending on the task especially reverse engineering malicious executables like information stealers or banking trojans that have a ton of anti analysis methods and multiple layers of obfuscation which is the case with the well known malware dropper called Guloader/Cloudeye.

That actually sounds really cool. I get this feeling you'll meet some friends around here if you stick around

 

[Outdated]

That interested me for a while back in the 90s, then I got more and more frustrated with the operating system that allowed such intrusions. These days I use Linux and malware no longer has any relevance to me.

As you noted, yes, you need a physical hobby. Something that gets you out of the house from time to time. And if you're busy being focused on your hobby then a lot of social issues cease to exist. There's always a chance you'll meet other people with the same hobby too, that increases the pleasure.

 

[Luca]

I would agree that you need a hobby! It might help you make friends too. But you can also make friends on here, like I have.

I'm also gay and autistic but I'm female. There is surprisingly a lot of overlap between the two communities although I don't agree with people who think they always go hand in hand.
I don't feel super comfortable discussing my sexuality on here but it does come up from time to time. I spent a lot of my life convinced that I was only attracted to men lol
Like you, it was always glaringly obvious to everyone else that I wasn't straight but I never realized it or entertained it until adulthood.
You mentioned that you live in Sweden, from what I understand there are a fair amount of LGBTQ people in Sweden as it isn't as taboo there overall as it is in the place I live in (without getting into the details.) Don't know about your specific area though. Maybe you could find some clubs or meetup groups? You don't have to use Grindr or other dating apps to meet other gay people. If you want I can try to help you look up some resources in your area. I have been researching that for myself lately too.

Sometimes it is hard to meet people in real life as opposed to talking to people online which is admittedly easier for me too. It gets lonely though, as you've realized. I'm willing to help if you'd like.

 

[Kemetic]

You're not alone. I'm bi and until I was 26 I pretty much never had a permanent relationship. I didn't really know if I even COULD love someone, or meet someone who would tolerate my weirdness.
Then I met my wife, I have now been married for 10 years, and she supports me when the depression . So don't lose hope. It might just take a while for the right person to come along.

I can also very much relate to your situation. Not getting out of bed, eating fast food, avoiding to go out, no self-care... been there. It cost me an academic career. But I survived, and nowadays I can fake my way through a full time stable job.

What always helped me was the symbol of the scarab: The Egyptian god of the rising sun, Khepry. His name means "to become, to come into being" and he reminds me that every single day is a new chance to get a tiny little bit better. And even if the last 100 days where bad, then still today I get another chance, another fresh start, to accomplish even a small thing. A shower. A post on a forum. A trip to the grocery store. A walk outdoors.

Please, hang in there! Depression is a dangerous illness, and I guess that being autistic just makes it exponentially worse. But depression comes in waves, and it is treatable. It probably doesn't feel that way right now, but better days will come along. You just need to stay alive and keep trying until then.

 

[Lemon Zing]

You need to stay off the junk food. It lactates the blood and increases anxiety. You should incorporate a diet of fresh fruit and veggies, and maybe restrict fast food to special occasions. If you want healthy snacks, try eating carrot batons, unsalted nuts, raisins, and I think Sunbites are a great alternative to regular crisps, as they are made from wholegrains.

It needn't be expensive to eat healthy. There's ways you can get your five a day for probably less than £1.50. One orange, one apple, one banana and a handful of grapes probably counts as four already.

Juice counts as one portion, even if you exceed the amount needed for one portion. But a whole carton of juice just doesn't contribute to being more than one portion.

As for being gay: I think society now should be more accepting of homosexuality, and similar aspects of the LGBTQ community. But immaturity does run rampant everywhere. Especially online. Believe me. You get stupid people that start fights over stupid things, and it's kind of worse online, as idiots can act like jerks online and not usually face being reprimanded for their behaviour. Like football, for example. It is only a sport. People take things way too personally with everything nowadays, to the point of insults and bloodshed. Pretty ridiculous.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I do have one hobby which is malware analysis but it leads to me becoming stuck in front of my laptop because analysing malware can be time consuming depending on the task especially reverse engineering malicious executables like information stealers or banking trojans that have a ton of anti analysis methods and multiple layers of obfuscation which is the case with the well known malware dropper called Guloader/Cloudeye.

thank God people like you exist

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

IF you view evert thing in life as being on continuums the effect quantum mechanics causes on the macro scale.
everything starts to make sense.

 

[VictorR]

I've also been in a bit of a rut and not taking care of myself, and have also been navigating the challenges of figuring out who I am.

Being at intersections is always challenging. For many double spectrum (i.e. on the autism spectrum and the LGBT+ spectrum), it can feel doubly alienating - both from mainstream society but also the LGBT community, where the culture tends to have more high-energy and extrovert-friendly events and activities (e.g. gay bars, pride parades), which can make it hard for introverted individuals (which autistics often, but not always are) to feel comfortable.

I'm also pretty introverted myself and quite like reading about others' experiences, whether online, or in books.

Two books that I like which you may be interested in are:

https://www.autismforums.com/resour...d-autism-voices-from-across-the-spectrum.160/
https://www.autismforums.com/resources/queerly-autistic.206/
The first one I quite like as there are some multiply intersectional voices (e.g. immigrant BIPOC autistic LGBT) and so is helpful in finding that one is not alone, and that there are some who face even more barriers in being themselves and finding friends and allies.