Being polite about declining a goodbye gathering

[frink]

I am moving and leaving a group I am part of, and one of the people in the group sent me a very kind email full of gratitude, and asking how the group can meet and give a "proper goodbye" to me.

I am sure many here do not like being put in the spotlight. I like many of the people but I have no desire to be among them all at the same time, satisfying their need for a sense of closure. They don't know I'm on the spectrum but this is one of those situations I wish they did, and maybe they'd just give me my space and not judge me about it.

Do others get frustrated by these types of situations? Emails/requests like this lock my brain up for hours searching for a way to handle it but in the end she's going to probably take it personally no matter how I phrase things.

 

[AngelaS267]

I do and don't. I get frustrated because I know I don't want to put in the energy to actually go to an event with too many people. But I would like the idea that people were thinking about me. I always have that fragment in me where one part wants to be included and accepted. To feel "normal" I guess. But the other part of me wants to be left alone. I feel like a cat!

 

[Mia]

You might reply to the email by indicating that you find 'goodbyes' extremely difficult and would much rather not have a gathering of any kind. Perhaps suggest a card of some sort that the members of the group sign their best wishes in. That way you would satisfy her need for some kind of farewell and your need not to have a party.

 

[Kevin1968]

As difficult as a goodbye gathering can be, is it easier than meeting everyone individually?

 

[Aspychata]

Just how big is this group?

You were accepted and made an impression perhaps? You aren't required to go or even feel guilty about not going. You could see it as a exercise as closing one chapter of your life and starting a new one perhaps and go? Or just ask people to call perhaps?

 

[Thinx]

People I spend time with have usually noticed that I avoid unstructured social gatherings, it's hard to miss. However I do tend to discuss it with them, just to make sure they don't feel I m being unfriendly. I usually don't mention autism, but I might if I was leaving.

I would straightforwardly say that I do not enjoy unstructured social gatherings, especially if I am the focus, but that I have been very happy to be part of their group, and will be sending a card to the office / group email / leaving a gift for the group (such as a plant or flowers in the headquarters or a box of sweets). If it's a small group I might go for a meal, but I prefer not to. Everyone's different and unless we convey our needs the assumption will be that we may enjoy a get together...

 

[unperson]

Reminds me of that cake farewell ritual you get at work, ugh. It's like they have to have a funeral for you, otherwise you're an unburied body. You either have to be frank about it, which they won't like or you attend, but make it short - these things can be quite brief.

 

[Matthias]

I am sure many here do not like being put in the spotlight. I like many of the people but I have no desire to be among them all at the same time, satisfying their need for a sense of closure. They don't know I'm on the spectrum but this is one of those situations I wish they did, and maybe they'd just give me my space and not judge me about it.

In the past I would have agreed with you that they were doing it to satisfy their needs and judge you if you didn't go along with it. However, I understand people better now and I know in these situations they want the gathering for your benefit to show you how much they appreciate you and not because they have a need for it.

In the past, I would have looked for a way out and worried about being judged. If I was in your situation today, I'd go and feel good being appreciated. If I felt uncomfortable, I'd just let them know I get anxiety around large groups and I know they'd understand since anxiety is a common problem. If you think you can't handle it or aren't interested, you can reply to the e-mail and explain that you get anxiety around large groups of people and politely decline their invitation.

 

[Aspychata]

6

Reminds me of that cake farewell ritual you get at work, ugh. It's like they have to have a funeral for you, otherwise you're an unburied body. You either have to be frank about it, which they won't like or you attend, but make it short - these things can be quite brief.

Never got that far at work to be a unburied body. That's a great way of looking at it.

Agree with @Thinx - No structure or unstructured meetings. I had a boss who just like to hear her voice. Our meetings were a comedy routine and she failed everytime.
She won the Narcissus beauty queen title as she told us but it really was the Narcissistic Queen title but nobody told her.

 

[Judge]

The perfect alibi in this pandemic- the coronavirus.

After all, no one should be attending such a social gathering at the present, and for good reason.

 

[Taira]

If you'd be ok with desreetly served cake during a lunch, and a card handed to you without any ceremony, then that would be a pretty good solution. You should at least be honest about feeling very uncomfortable with receiving attention in front of others, so your friend will know why you aren't interested in anything much.

 

[Els]

In general if I want to decline an event politely, I make myself fakely busy. Holidays or week ends are my favorites.