Being social

[Trey]

I want to know how I can be social the right way without saying anything boring or wrong.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Ain't no sure way, Trey. Best I can tell you is hang out with people who like what you like and share your sense of what good society looks like.

 

[Mia]

Hi Trey, For most people there is no right way, its a process of learning through trial and error, watching others, listening and putting yourself out there with people and interacting. Every person says something boring or wrong, a good amount of the time, everyone learns from the mistakes they make.
The best advice I can give you under the circumstance is to be around people as much as you can and spend time talking and getting to know them. Socializing is something that you learn through practice, you can read books about it and get advice, but, its not as good as getting to know people in real life.

 

[Progster]

I think that's a good idea to socialise with people by doing an activity, rather than just meeting and hanging out. If you have an activity you are doing together, then you have a common interest and something to talk about. The socialising has a purpose and a focus, and it becomes a lot easier to socialise.

 

[Neramo]

Practise. I'm still telling boring stories, but atleast after some practice, i'm able to tell a little bit, before i scare them off
Make it short, and start with the interesting parts first. And practise on one person, instead of a group.

don't think i'll ever be able to tell stories in a good way, but atleast i'm trying atm. i usually try to tell it to one person first, and i'm trying to tell the interesting parts first. i might not be the best reference though, since i'm still practising

 

[RidingDutchman]

It might sound incredibly hard but the best way to be social is to not worry about it.

As soon as you start overthinking it you become tense and give off an odd vibe.
Even if you aren't socially skilled but still feel comfortable about talking/socializing, people will tend to view you as eccentric and often even interesting (at least most smart people will).
Also if you don't worry, everything will flow better and you have more brain capacity left over to invest in the conversation, instead of using it to ponder over how what you just said might sound weird or whatever

 

[Bruce Stern]

I am in the same boat as you!! I am just learning how to navigate social waters. It's a little embarrassing to be reading "Social Rules For Kids" (Diamond) but it's already helped me understand how to initiate, maintain and end a conversation. As the opportunities arise I practice. I tried it last week in the airport and even having a one minute conversation (for me) is a victory. I'm also reading The Hidden Curriculum series (Myles) and getting a lot of good information from that.

 

[Geoo98]

I'm also struggling with that. I try to ask people more questions about themselves to avoid directing conversations back at myself or my topics of interest, but am often unsure if they're 'normal' questions because I just feel really fake whenever I try.

 

[Beverly]

for us, being a good socialite is a large set of learned skills and, isn't natural at all, it's almost like learning a foreign language. Years of practice, observation and, tons of mistakes along the way but, we can do it.

Just remember some of the brightest celebrities out there are Aspies and, they are also wonderful socialites, they are comedians, actors, musicians, political figures, etc... and they socialize with the elite of the world a lot and, do it perfectly yet not one of them is any better at it naturally than you or I. We aspie stars learn to the social thing because we have to be good at it for our careers and, that proves any aspie can learn to be a good socialite.

 

[Bruce Stern]

I'm also struggling with that. I try to ask people more questions about themselves to avoid directing conversations back at myself or my topics of interest, but am often unsure if they're 'normal' questions because I just feel really fake whenever I try.

I am very new at this but it appears small talk is not about the talk but the underlying social/cultural identification. Small talk has frustrated me because I've approached it in an entirely different manner. I want to get to the point and exchange information of value in a field I know about (and it has to be correct). This fits together with NT as well as mayo and peanut butter in my experience. I'm realizing speaking about areas I know is very comfortable and part of what I need to do is move out of that comfort zone. I look at it like I'm already clumsy so I have only room for improvement .

When I first saw the book "Social Skills for Kids" I thought "nah, no way" then the first page I read was a mistake I'd made over and over again. So I swallowed hard and bought it. I think having a roadmap is important then using it to practice. Like getting instruction on the violin then working on it to make it effortless.

 

[RidingDutchman]

I am very new at this but it appears small talk is not about the talk but the underlying social/cultural identification. Small talk has frustrated me because I've approached it in an entirely different manner. I want to get to the point and exchange information of value in a field I know about (and it has to be correct). This fits together with NT as well as mayo and peanut butter in my experience. I'm realizing speaking about areas I know is very comfortable and part of what I need to do is move out of that comfort zone. I look at it like I'm already clumsy so I have only room for improvement .

When I first saw the book "Social Skills for Kids" I thought "nah, no way" then the first page I read was a mistake I'd made over and over again. So I swallowed hard and bought it. I think having a roadmap is important then using it to practice. Like getting instruction on the violin then working on it to make it effortless.

Just out of healthy curiosity and only if you want to tell, but may I ask what mistake that is? (And if I may, please do tell :3 )

One might never know what he learns from it

 

[Bruce Stern]

Just out of healthy curiosity and only if you want to tell, but may I ask what mistake that is? (And if I may, please do tell :3 )

One might never know what he learns from it

Ok, it was very embarrassing at the time. Part of the problem is I've recognized these exist but treated them as optional. It was Rule 3, Don't Be A Turn Hog.

When I take over a conversation by speaking without letting the other person have a turn, I am being a turn hog.

After that I bought the book.

 

[DC1346]

I want to know how I can be social the right way without saying anything boring or wrong.

Everyone is different with varying interests, personal tastes, and beliefs.

There is literally nothing you can do to avoid inadvertently boring or offending someone.

If you don't believe me, trying being a chef for a wedding reception. The groom wanted steak. His mother-in-law wanted a veggie plate and because she was vegan, she was annoyed that other people (like her son-in-law) wanted meat. She wanted the reception to be completely vegan. No matter how I tweaked the menu, someone was going to be upset.

(Sigh)

 

[Bruce Stern]

Everyone is different with varying interests, personal tastes, and beliefs.

There is literally nothing you can do to avoid inadvertently boring or offending someone.

If you don't believe me, trying being a chef for a wedding reception. The groom wanted steak. His mother-in-law wanted a veggie plate and because she was vegan, she was annoyed that other people (like her son-in-law) wanted meat. She wanted the reception to be completely vegan. No matter how I tweaked the menu, someone was going to be upset.

(Sigh)

Good to keep in mind! Life is going to throw everyone curveballs. At the same time, I'm wondering though how many unforced errors people with ASD make? How many holes have I dug myself just because I don't get what people are really saying or I didn't realize the messages I was sending? I'm 66% through the book "A Field Guide To Earthlings" and along with Myles (The Hidden Curriculum series) have provided incredible insight into why I'm making these errors.

There appear to be other messages ASD people send which kill us on the job. I totally related to the workplace errors discussed in Asperger's Syndrome Workplace Survival Guide. These include showing up late, dressing inappropriately for the workplace culture, avoiding chit-chat or interactions, blunt honesty, poor eye contact when talking etc. I had good reasons for these (I pick soft fabric that doesn't bug me so I've worn scrubs all the time) but the gist was these all send messages whether we want to or not. Their point was by doing these things you could still be seen as 'weird' but a likeable weird is not going to cause you the problems as being an unlikeable weird.

 

[Judge]

I want to know how I can be social the right way without saying anything boring or wrong.

In my own case I have come to the conclusion that knowing about and being able to actually execute specific behaviors I want or don't want can be mutually exclusive. That certain aspects of this equation are "hard-wired" within my brain to prevent me from any guarantee that I say the right things instead of the wrong ones.

So at times when I make this inevitable error, I take solace in the Serenity Prayer:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."

 

[DC1346]

I am very new at this but it appears small talk is not about the talk but the underlying social/cultural identification. Small talk has frustrated me because I've approached it in an entirely different manner. I want to get to the point and exchange information of value in a field I know about (and it has to be correct)..

WELL SAID! This is my problem with small talk. NT conversations often seem superficial to me and they sometimes meander across wildly different topics. Since I am a reclusive introvert, I really don't enjoy talking to people unless I have to as part of my job. I want them to get to the point. I want conversations to be efficient and yes, I know that this attitude comes off as rude and abrupt but I really hate having my time wasted.