Believing you can read emotions REAL LY well

[Suzanne]

So, one of the things that made me think I couldn't really be an aspie is because I am fantastic with reading emotions, however, I took an intensive test for social skills and was shocked to discover that I misinterpret emotions, whereas, I had taken another test that just shows the eyes and got nearly 100% right and so, I now think that I misread body signs and this would explain why I get hurt so much!

This is why I prefer Internet friendships and actually, my longest one, has been online. I find it easier to not get emotionally tangled up in misinterpretations!

 

[The Penguin]

I use to have issues not reading emotions well. As I got older, I started to get better to understand. Not just I good understanding emotions being with someone in person, I can do the same speaking to someone in text online. Most people I speak to when there something wrong, their writing patterns changes. At the same time, I starting to understand when people don't like my company. I use to be a person just give the person a chance. But I decided instead just use my gut feeling because 80% of the time I'm right. There still that 20% when I'm wrong, and sometimes a friendship might come out of it. But since my detection rate is very good, I'm to sticking with my methods.

 

[Cecile]

I now think that I misread body signs and this would explain why I get hurt so much!
This is why I prefer Internet friendships and actually, my longest one, has been online. I find it easier to not get emotionally tangled up in misinterpretations!

I understand why you feel more at ease online, where you don't feel the pressure to read non-verbal. However, the complete absence of voice tone, facial expression, and "contextual data not conveyed by words" do increase the occurrence of misinterpretations and misunderstanding in written conversations. And those can have the same hurtful effect as in real life, especially in the online relationships you value/cherish the most. Screens are a double-edged sword. As freeing as they seem, they are also additional "masks", even for people who aren't trying on purpose to use them as masks. And when people do use them on purpose, well...
(This is something that my Aspie ex didn't fully believe or "get" until he was faced with real-life impacts of these misunderstandings, both in our relationship and with other people in other unrelated contexts.)

 

[DogwoodTree]

I think I'm really good at reading subtle emotional cues, but I don't always realize that they're undertones rather than that person's primary motivation in a situation. So whereas I might "read" multiple layers of emotion and thought in the person, I'm really bad at identifying which of those layers the other person is aware of or acting from.

And I have a hard time "justifying" behavior--mine or other people's--based on emotions. So even when I can see exactly what emotions a person is operating out of, I tend to discount the value of those emotions in the formula that produces the person's behavior. I guess it seems to me that people put too much stock in flighty emotions that are always changing anyway.

I guess if you grew up having consistent emotions in similar circumstances, emotions would be a more reliable factor in determining behavior. I guess "normal" would be, "I might not feel happy for very long from getting a compliment, but a compliment always makes me feel better, so I like compliments even if they're not completely accurate."

But for me it's more, "Sometimes a compliment feels good, but more often I'm not convinced the person actually knows what they're talking about (it's easy to impress someone who knows nothing about the skill I've worked so hard to learn but still have soooo far to go), or maybe they're saying that just to manipulate my feelings into something positive so that I'll feel indebted to that person, or maybe they don't see the whole picture, or maybe they do see the whole picture but don't want to point out all the things that are actually wrong...so feeling good about the compliment, in most cases, is actually counter-productive. And it takes a whole lot of analysis to determine which of those situations THIS one is...and by the time I figure it out, I've put way more energy into it than that 'happy' feeling every could have given me. So better just to avoid the entire experience."

Not sure about anyone else here, but I guess my emotions just weren't that reliable or predictable or dependable growing up, so I learned to discount them more and more. When everyone around me was acting happy because we were going on a family vacation, I was miserable because I had less space to get away from everyone, but excited about going somewhere new, but scared of something going wrong, but glad that everyone else was having a good time, but resenting every time I got pulled into some formality or a level of intimacy I wasn't comfortable with, but feeling "normal" and like a "real" person because we were doing something that "real" families were supposed to do, but uncomfortable with the demands placed on me during a trip (I'm the oldest of a bunch of kids), but looking forward to finding just the "right" souvenir to commemorate the trip...there are always so many layers that come and go so unpredictably, so of course I learned to discount emotions in determining my behavior. My emotional life is way too complex, I guess, to let it run the show if I don't have to.

 

[Cecile]

Not sure about anyone else here, but I guess my emotions just weren't that reliable or predictable or dependable growing up, so I learned to discount them more and more. When everyone around me was acting happy because we were going on a family vacation, I was miserable because I had less space to get away from everyone, but excited about going somewhere new, but scared of something going wrong, but glad that everyone else was having a good time, but resenting every time I got pulled into some formality or a level of intimacy I wasn't comfortable with, but feeling "normal" and like a "real" person because we were doing something that "real" families were supposed to do, but uncomfortable with the demands placed on me during a trip (I'm the oldest of a bunch of kids), but looking forward to finding just the "right" souvenir to commemorate the trip...there are always so many layers that come and go so unpredictably, so of course I learned to discount emotions in determining my behavior. My emotional life is way too complex, I guess, to let it run the show if I don't have to.

Yet emotions (yours and other people's) are not going away when they are discounted. They just get delayed, built up, converted into various reactions (even physical ones) and then it will all seem even more "illogical", unpredictable and undependable. Basically, trying to run the show "without them" is like allowing characters of the show to take and leave the stage at the most unexpected times, in the most unexpected costumes, and add layers of complexity for everyone trying to follow.

It is very natural for humans (at all ages, aspies or not) to feel more than one emotion at once in given situations, especially situations that involve a change that is major to them. There is always at least "some" nervousness mixed with excitement even for something new that we "can't wait" to have or do (start school, summer camp, new job, have a wedding, have a child, bungee jump...). The question is: all in all, do the good feelings outbalance the bad ones, and do you want that new experience to continue, happen again?

This leads me to a question, I hope you don't mind me asking... I have read that with Asperger's/autism, it is very difficult to differentiate between background sounds and "lead sound", for instance during a conversation in a crowded place with music and other noises in the room. Is the same when you have more than one emotion at the same time? Do they always seem to be all at the same intensity/level?

 

[AsheSkyler]

I can read people well, both facial expressions and body language, and there are very few viewpoints I don't understand regardless of how I feel about it. In example, I can understand why some people feel so angry that they'd derive satisfaction from slashing tires, but I still think they have self-control issues for doing so. What usually drives down my score on social tests is that it's taboo to be anti-social and not live for parties or socializing, I try to be discreet and tactful about interpersonal issues instead of being a nag making a scene, and I don't go to great lengths to hide my emotions if I'm somewhere I don't want to be.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Yet emotions (yours and other people's) are not going away when they are discounted. They just get delayed, built up, converted into various reactions (even physical ones) and then it will all seem even more "illogical", unpredictable and undependable.

True. Which, I guess, is part of why I reached burnout this year and couldn't keep burying them just for the sake of not hurting anyone else's feelings or not offending people or not becoming way less likable than I was when I acted the role of "normal" a little better. It's been a tough year, with a lot of growth.


I get it, that emotions should be processed. But I come from a highly enmeshed, codependent family where no one takes responsibility for their own emotions, but nearly everyone is expected to take responsibility for everyone else's emotions.

I don't have a problem with someone facing into the feelings they have and being authentic about it. But that's not what happens in my family. I have a huge problem with people acting like their negative emotions justify their demanding whatever they think they need from me in order to feel better. If that's their agenda, I'd rather they keep their emotions to themselves.

The feelings we have are just the feelings we have, you can't change that by ignoring them. But I'm tired of people using their feelings to manipulate me. Just because you feel badly about something doesn't mean you can take whatever you want from the people around you.

This leads me to a question, I hope you don't mind me asking... I have read that with Asperger's/autism, it is very difficult to differentiate between background sounds and "lead sound", for instance during a conversation in a crowded place with music and other noises in the room. Is the same when you have more than one emotion at the same time? Do they always seem to be all at the same intensity/level?

That's kind of what I was getting it, I think, yes. I don't think they're all the same intensity all at the same time, but what should be "primary" is not necessarily always at the forefront. It's very, very unpredictable.

For example, when I'm with friends whom, overall, I love and trust, I might be having a "good" day where I feel at peace and can relax, even if I don't necessarily open up much. Or I might be having a "tough" day where being around people leaves me feeling way more isolated and alone than if I was in a room by myself. Or any number of other combinations of foci and emotions. Which makes me seem like a very unstable person if I allow my current emotions to be authentically expressed.

Much better to keep them under wraps until I can be alone and just work through the emotions by myself. But then, as a result...I'm almost never truly *with* people to be known and loved...because I'm rarely authentically *me* with them...resulting in even deeper isolation.

 

[Suzanne]

where no one takes responsibility for their own emotions, but nearly everyone is expected to take responsibility for everyone else's emotions.

I live with a man who is horrendously like this! However, something pretty amazing took place. We were actually getting on fairly well for a change. I walked into the room and picked up my tablet and saw that I had a message from a friend, who was obviously highly upset, but at the same time, my husband started talking about a book on vinegar and quoting from a list of how good it is for health. I panicked because to be honest, it bored me; not that the subject does, but right then, I just was not focused on it, but rather focused on my poor friend and so said: darling, can you hold on a bit, for I just need to read this message and then, I will get back to you? He blew up! Started swearing at me and telling me how bloody inconsiderate I was and selfish and uncaring! He demanded I see HIS side, but I honestly couldn't and even said that he would stop screaming at me, if I agreed with him, but again, I was unable to! It got worse, with him calling me cruel names and unfortunately, I started to cry and he just used that against me and told me how selfish I am to only ever think my feelings count! The trouble is, he might as well be father (exactly how he used to be) even down to the: sorry, say it louder, I didn't hear! I could not cope anymore and got up and HATED him with a passion! But and this is a miracle: he suddenly walked into the bathroom and for the FIRST TIME ever, said sorry and that although he felt still angry, he does she that he over reacted and would I forgive him? How the heck could I not eh?

He said that he was waiting for me to go to him and because I didn't, it made him reflect. This is him all over. I have to do the running; I have to say the right words to stop his aggression but what he is asking, is unreasonable and I just cannot do it!

I honestly did not see that I had done anything wrong! My dear friend went through a crisis and needed help, but husband demanded I give him attention when all he was doing, was reading from a list of what vinegar can do! Had he just fainted, or hurt himself etc etc, then my friend would have had to wait, for he would be my first priority, but he insisted that it doesn't matter if she needs help, he is my husband and should be given first attention at all times!

 

[GhostWriter]

I live with a man who is horrendously like this! However, something pretty amazing took place. We were actually getting on fairly well for a change. I walked into the room and picked up my tablet and saw that I had a message from a friend, who was obviously highly upset, but at the same time, my husband started talking about a book on vinegar and quoting from a list of how good it is for health. I panicked because to be honest, it bored me; not that the subject does, but right then, I just was not focused on it, but rather focused on my poor friend and so said: darling, can you hold on a bit, for I just need to read this message and then, I will get back to you? He blew up! Started swearing at me and telling me how bloody inconsiderate I was and selfish and uncaring! He demanded I see HIS side, but I honestly couldn't and even said that he would stop screaming at me, if I agreed with him, but again, I was unable to! It got worse, with him calling me cruel names and unfortunately, I started to cry and he just used that against me and told me how selfish I am to only ever think my feelings count! The trouble is, he might as well be father (exactly how he used to be) even down to the: sorry, say it louder, I didn't hear! I could not cope anymore and got up and HATED him with a passion! But and this is a miracle: he suddenly walked into the bathroom and for the FIRST TIME ever, said sorry and that although he felt still angry, he does she that he over reacted and would I forgive him? How the heck could I not eh?

He said that he was waiting for me to go to him and because I didn't, it made him reflect. This is him all over. I have to do the running; I have to say the right words to stop his aggression but what he is asking, is unreasonable and I just cannot do it!

I honestly did not see that I had done anything wrong! My dear friend went through a crisis and needed help, but husband demanded I give him attention when all he was doing, was reading from a list of what vinegar can do! Had he just fainted, or hurt himself etc etc, then my friend would have had to wait, for he would be my first priority, but he insisted that it doesn't matter if she needs help, he is my husband and should be given first attention at all times!

Wow, I can really picture that scenario!! My spouse does similar things- like talking to me about the weather forecast From another room, While I am trying to read a recipe & cook! Since he hates eating Late I don't get Why he doesn't realize that what he is doing will cause that exact thing to happen! Or, he will inform me about a problem only I can deal with & then, instead of giving me the Space to deal with it, he'll start talking about something else & get mad at me because I am not listening!

Maybe I one of those people who can't 'multi- task' like other people can?? Maybe my Priorities are 'out of wack'??

But then I wonder if a lot of the problems Aspies supposedly have with recognizing emotions isn't due to self- absorbtion, which I guess is considered to be a fault...

Another thought: As far as reading emotions, body language, etc is concerned-
I think a lot of people deliberately Mask their various languages instead of just admitting that they are uncomfortable discussing something. My in laws are all very skillful at doing this, & it is infuriating! My attitude is if you don't want to tell us, just say so- Amen! This scenario is one of those that Trigger my anger & impatience with people & cause me to 'retreat' in exasperation from socializing...
PS- Has anyone else ever noticed that 'real people' don't EVER converse the way people in plays, movies, etc do???

 

[Cecile]

Wow, I can really picture that scenario!! My spouse does similar things- like talking to me about the weather forecast From another room, While I am trying to read a recipe & cook! Since he hates eating Late I don't get Why he doesn't realize that what he is doing will cause that exact thing to happen! Or, he will inform me about a problem only I can deal with & then, instead of giving me the Space to deal with it, he'll start talking about something else & get mad at me because I am not listening!

From my NT perspective: in these examples, your and Suzanne's husbands seem to expect you to process data and react like most NTs they know... it may be that they don't (fully) understand (yet) your "aspie default settings", it may be that they don't (fully) accept (yet) that these settings aren't "easily customizable", or it may be that they understand/accept but slip because the natural NT reflex/spontaneous "way" has a tendancy to resurface, especially when we are distracted, tired, preoccupied...

Maybe I one of those people who can't 'multi- task' like other people can?? Maybe my Priorities are 'out of wack'?? But then I wonder if a lot of the problems Aspies supposedly have with recognizing emotions isn't due to self- absorbtion, which I guess is considered to be a fault...

My NT perspective again: if what I have read and witnessed is reliable, the "aspie focus" works in such a way that it is better suited than the "NT focus" for sustained impeccable attention to details, but much less for splitting/re-prioritizing/multitasking (which isn't equally easy for all NTs either).
Self-absorption: this is also a matter of NT reflex/spontaneous "way", and focus... We naturally expect "NT focus shifts and adjustments" towards us or towards "things that happen in our/the person's environment". Our natural reflex in the absence of these shifts /adjustments, is to conclude to a lack of interest, to lazyness or a certain amount of selfishness... We really have to work against our "natural reflex" and remind ourselves that "the aspie focus" doesn't work like ours.

PS- Has anyone else ever noticed that 'real people' don't EVER converse the way people in plays, movies, etc do???

Oh yes we have.

 

[AsheSkyler]

PS- Has anyone else ever noticed that 'real people' don't EVER converse the way people in plays, movies, etc do???

Aye. Writers get high praise from critics if they ever have "natural" and realistic sounding dialogue since so much of it is off.