Betrayed by friend

[Oodee]

Hi to all.

So I have been dating my bf for few months now and it's been mostly quite nice. There has been one specific thing that has been messing with our relationship. He made this new friend about two months ago and they became pretty close pretty fast. Then about a month ago this friend lied to me about something and accused that my bf had done some nasty things to me, like lied on important matters and such. I of course chose to believe my bf in this, since he said he hadn't done anything like that, but had I believed his friend, we wouldn't even be together anymore. Then I found out that this friend said to my bf that he hasn't said those things and he actually believed this friend over me. I'm not gonna lie, that was really hard for me and it has really affected our relationship. I showed my bf text messages to prove, that this friend actually said those things and lied to us both and we're working through this, because I don't wanna quit a good thing just because his "friend" is an a**hole. My bf was really sorry when he found out the truth.
The question I need help with, is that how do aspies generally deal with betrayal? Is It harder for you, because making good friends may not be so easy to begin with? I think my bf really thought that he found a great friend, and all of this is really hard on him. Like he said few days ago that from now on he only wants to hang out with me, or be alone. I told him that it's a horrible idea and that he shouldn't abandon his other friend because of this one a-hole. He is outgoing and has lots of friends and he sees them regularly, but I don't think he is really that close with many of them, only few, and this may affect those relationships as well, if he feels that he has to be afraid that any one of them could betray him too. I'm really worried that his depression comes back because of this. How can I help him through this?

 

[Dalton]

Tell him to go hang out with one of his other friends over the weekend

 

[MrSpock]

You haven't specifically stated how AS is even related to this. I might guess that you suspect that your BF is an aspie. Given that this is the case, please understand that Asperger's presents itself in different ways in different people. How do people who drive Fords get to grocery stores? Is it a car or a truck? Where is the store? You've really given us not much to go on, and seem to assume that we know something about a complete stranger that we can't possibly know.

It's nice that you seem to care about someone who may have the same condition, that you have a relationship that you seem to value. That you're here to make an effort to learn. You are likely to find people willing to help, but I have to wonder if you're here because you have a really simplistic impression of what autism is. I'm not suggesting you go away, but maybe you could tell us why you're here and not on a dating advice website or some such.

Do you have any idea of what autism is? You might spend some time reading other threads in this forum if you really want to learn about it. You might get enough of an idea that you could ask more specific questions - how does anyone deal with betrayal? You might get a better idea of what it is about him that makes him autistic and be able to keep that separate from what is simply unique about him as a person and which has nothing to do with his autism.

We're people, and there's much about us that is just the same (which is to say just as different) as everyone else. You're not bringing him to us, and you're not telling us what's wrong. I don't mean to suggest that he's like a car and we could somehow 'fix' him if you brought him to us. But imagine if you wanted your car fixed and were talking to a mechanic about it. You can't tell him the model or year, you tell him that it doesn't go. However much he knows, if you don't even know enough to describe the problem he can't help you.

 

[Oodee]

He is a diagnosed aspie and I have read loads of topics hereI have read a lot from here, from wp and psychology articles, and asked things from my own therapist and of course my bf. So I'm really trying my best to acquire information. It's like 3am here in Finland, so maybe my wording is some how bad, since I'm really tired. I truly thought that my purpose came across from my opening.
From what I've read I've deduced that many aspies are like my bf, loyal to a fault for those they think are worth it, so I would like to know that do they usually take betrayal in friendship really hard and is there any way that I can help him with dealing with this, so in the future he doesn't just stay home and possibly get depressed again. How have you coped with being betrayed? I hope this clears things for you.

 

[MrSpock]

I wouldn't be too upset about losing a 'friend' I'd only known for two months, I 'd be thankful that I'd discovered his dishonesty that early.

I don't have many close friends, but those I count as close I've known for much longer than that.

I'm not good at knowing when a person is being honest about their feelings or about social situations, so I guess the topic as a whole is a bit disturbing. This is because I'm not good at reading people's body language, facial expressions, or hints. I'm blind to a lot of what goes on, so while I'm a bit uncomfortable I also don't put too much expectation into things very early.

I also seem to have unusual self-confidence, and don't rely on other people's opinion for my own idea of self-worth. I'm not sure how much of an aspie thing that is, but I suspect it's often a consequence of our different neurology if not actually a part of it.

I get the idea that I'm unusually loyal, but as you say only to those who are worth it. From what you've said so far, if I were in his place the best you could do to affirm my faith in people would be to behave loyally toward me. I get the impression that you're doing that rather well.

 

[wight]

It's not THAT he lost a friend, it is HOW. This person intentionally lied and betrayed his trust.

Betrayal being the key word. It is one of the most difficult things to deal with... and I would (and have) reacted the same way your BF did... "screw it, I don't want any friends". Which is a normal human reaction to this. Let him have some time to be alone (or just with you) and process his emotions.

He may decide to continue his other friendships, or not. But until he gets some clarity on this situation, his instinct to "hibernate" is probably a good one. When a person is emotionally wounded, they need to rest and recover, just as if they were physically injured.

 

[Bolletje]

I feel like you should let him decide how to handle this betrayal and support him by being there for him. I've been betrayed by friends in the past. My response ranged from going full scorched earth to agressively ignoring someone to just cutting ties and moving on with life. You can probably guess which responses were from younger me and which ones from more mature me. You can also guess which tactics worked out best in the end. The point is, I learned from all those things. I learned that some ways of dealing with betrayal are only going to end up hurting yourself and alienating people. I learned that from making my own mistakes though, and as cliché as it is, that's how most people end up learning.

I think it's sweet that you're looking out for your boyfriend and trying to shield him from making mistakes. I feel the same way about my boyfriend too, but I have to let him make mistakes, sometimes knowing full well he's going to crash and burn. As a compromise, you could try voicing your concerns, then taking a step back. Good luck either way!

 

[Oodee]

I'm so freaking mad about all of this and it is really hard for me to not show all my frustration and negative feelings that I have towards this "friend" of his. We live in a small town, so our circle of friends is also pretty small and it's just not possible to not see this lying sack of crap multiple times a week. But I really am trying to be cool and let the dear bf decide his course of action on his own. Because that's what he's gonna do anyway, since we are adults. I'm really happy that he hasn't only been staying at home and has been seeing his best friends. I guess I tend to be little too overprotecting, since he truly is so loyal and kind-hearted person and it makes me so angry that someone could be such an a-hole to him. He had just gotten over his last battle with depression and things were so good before this incident happened. But I guess I should be worrying about the depression if it comes back and not now, when it hasn't yet. Thanks for the answers. I asked this because when this happened I turned to my best friend to get help processing things, and it didn't even cross my mind, that I should abandon all of my friends because one person lied to me. So that's why I thought that maybe my bfs aspieness makes his reaction so different from mine. I gotta say that I'm really happy that I found him. Even if it made me a little offended first time he said that my butt is really big. Now I realize that he likes it and that's why he says so...

 

[Nervous Rex]

I'm going to write some generalizations which are not universally true for everyone all the time. Everyone's a little different, so don't expect my experiences and views to exactly match your boyfriend. Think of it more as trying on an explanation the way you would try on clothes. If it seems to fit, maybe keep it. If it doesn't fit, chuck it out.

Aspies can sometimes be a little too good at pattern matching, which leads to seeing patterns in behavior when there may not be any and generalizing too quickly from a limited set of experiences. When something goes wrong one way, we may expect it to go wrong that way all the time. That may have led your boyfriend to generalize from "this friend was a jerk" to "All my friends are going to be jerks, so I'm better off without friends." @Dalton is right that your bf should hang out with a different friend, to learn that this generalization is not correct.

It also doesn't help that Aspies seem to have an overly strong urge to avoid pain and negative consequences, which leads to a very strong aversion to anything that has caused pain in the past.

It's okay for an Aspie to be alone some. We need quiet time to recharge, sometimes. But I don't think it's healthy all the time. Myself, I almost never desire social interaction, but there have been many times when social interaction has pulled me out of a foul mood. I recognize that it's good for me (like eating my vegetables), so I try to say yes to a certain amount of socializing.

 

[AO1501]

I'm so freaking mad about all of this and it is really hard for me to not show all my frustration and negative feelings that I have towards this "friend" of his. We live in a small town, so our circle of friends is also pretty small and it's just not possible to not see this lying sack of crap multiple times a week. But I really am trying to be cool and let the dear bf decide his course of action on his own. Because that's what he's gonna do anyway, since we are adults. I'm really happy that he hasn't only been staying at home and has been seeing his best friends. I guess I tend to be little too overprotecting, since he truly is so loyal and kind-hearted person and it makes me so angry that someone could be such an a-hole to him. He had just gotten over his last battle with depression and things were so good before this incident happened. But I guess I should be worrying about the depression if it comes back and not now, when it hasn't yet. Thanks for the answers. I asked this because when this happened I turned to my best friend to get help processing things, and it didn't even cross my mind, that I should abandon all of my friends because one person lied to me. So that's why I thought that maybe my bfs aspieness makes his reaction so different from mine. I gotta say that I'm really happy that I found him. Even if it made me a little offended first time he said that my butt is really big. Now I realize that he likes it and that's why he says so...

There is nothing wrong with being protective of your boyfriend, but it is not your frustration and negative feelings about this person that count (meaning, to your boyfriend), it's his rationalisation of what happened and how to assess and respond to it. It is his choice to make. That doesn't mean that you can't have your own point of view and reach your own judgement, but as much as you can apply that to yourself, you can't apply it to him.

When I have been betrayed, and sadly because I have problems judging trust, it has happened a fair bit over the years, I dump the person concerned entirely, and basically switch them off so they are no longer any part of my life, or even my memories - in that while I can remember by choice, by choice I opt not to.

I would not abandon every friend. That isn't logical, though it is perfectly reasonable to consider the possibility that if I have been deceived by one person, if it is possible I have been deceived by others too. So my period of introspection is to reassess where I stand in relation to trust in those who remain in my life.

Sadly, in my experience, the more loyal and kind-hearted people are, the more they are vulnerable to those qualities being abused by others. Logically, we can change how we interact with people and the degree we learn to trust, or not, but we can't change other people, just become more wary of them.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

It sounds like this guy just wanted to sneak his way to you in an abusive way , that's all.

Never was a friend in the first place if you want my opinion.

 

[Oodee]

I completely agree that he never was a real friend in the first place. It made me so confused, when my bf whom I've known for years, chose to first believe his word over mine, especially considering that I have never lied to him about anything and he knows this. It was like he was on some kind of hard core denial mode and it lasted for a month. At first he didn't acknowledge the whole thing and bypassed it when I talked about it. The whole time I had this feeling that he thinks I'm lying, even if he said he doesn't. I tried to show him the messages and told him to talk to his other friends, since this a-hole had said those same lies to them, he didn't read them and didn't believe his other friends. I was so fed up with all of that, that I said that either we talk this thing through and find out what has really happened, or then we break up, because I'm tired of feeling like a liar when I haven't done anything wrong. That's when he started to take things seriously. I asked once again that did he think I was lying and he finally admitted it. Even when he saw the texts that his "friend" had sent me, he still tried to find some other explanation, like maybe it was his girlfriend and not the friend that sended those, which wasn't the case, because she wasn't in town at that time. I haven't figured it out that why this guy was so important to him, as you said they haven't been friends that long. I have asked him about that and he hasn't given me any kind of answer except I don't know. Well, at least he knows now I wasn't lying, but it's a really small consolation in all of this. I just hope that everything goes back to normal. Well to our normal at least

 

[MrSpock]

I suspect that this is what you really wanted to know about, and you've provided a decent amount of context. I suppose this is what I would have asked for in my first post if I had any idea of what you were up to.

I'm not sure that the two of you are quite on the same page when it comes to 'believe his word over mine'. It's odd, we are accused of being the ones who think in terms of black and white, but it seems to me that this happens in reverse much of the time, perhaps most of the time. I find that NTs generally tend to phrase things carelessly, and are often only wiling to continue a conversation if I agree that things will be poorly defined. I sometimes feel socially obliged to answer yes or no to questions that ought to be questions of probability. My thought process is really one that generates probabilities and assess the reliable accuracy of those probabilities (sometimes), and if the potential consequences of something with even a small probability are big or it's interesting or seems part of a bigger pattern then that small probability will be worth 'more than it's share' of thought experiments, a hypothetical doubt possibly necessary to appreciate the implications of my current situation.

Very few people I've talked to are willing to discuss things in such detail, in order to operate with any efficiency in society I must be willing to accept inaccuracy in communication all too often. Usually it's of little consequence, as interactions are short and there is little opportunity for a minor misunderstanding to snowball into a big one.

If it were me, I might not think this person important at all, but think it important to try to piece together events after the fact so that by analysis I can 'see' what I did not at the time due to the blindness I referred to earlier in this thread.

You have suspected his (possibly hypothetical) doubt for some time, and since then you have perhaps not established the precise nature of this doubt, and it's relevance to anything important within his rather different neurology (you should not take that relevance for granted). In spite of this lack of precision you have based a long chain of thoughts, consequences and communications on the assumption that it is all from common ground, when this may not quite be the case. Such mistakes can be easy to make, difficult to spot, and create opportunity for more, bigger and better hidden mistakes.

Just a thought. I could see it happening with me. We can only offer ideas, you must sift through them.

 

[Oodee]

In all our "important" communication I try to be as precise and on point as I can, since I don't want to make things harder by making him read between lines, because I have read that this might be especially hard for aspies. I always try to voice my concerns and tell him if there is something bothering me, so he doesn't have to guess. So I acted like this every time we talked about this and I also said that he doesn't have to answer right now, so he can think things through.
I know I may never get answers to these questions and that's why I'm just trying to get over it and not badger him anymore on that subject. So that's why I'm focusing more on his well being and try to understand why he reacts so differently than me, and that's why I wanted to know how other aspies would react on things like this. If I try to think without my emotions getting in the way, then I guess it doesn't matter why he trusted him more than me and it probably doesn't change anything even if I get an answer to that. Things happened and we just have to live with them, whatever the reason was. I'm still angry and confused, but that's my problem...

 

[MrSpock]

OMG do you have a sister?

Seriously though, your approach is impressive. I hope that you will offer your views in other threads.

I suspect that we may again be at the point where we need more information to make good guesses, but others may have more insight.

I wonder if he did trust the other person more than you. We on the spectrum are more likely to make judgements based on facts rather than on who presents those facts. Debates should not be popularity contests in the least. I'm not good at smelling BS by looking at people as they speak, but I can often detect it where others don't, it's a different evaluation system for sure.

I would really like to help you get the understanding you want, or give you the peace of mind that you want. You really do seem to be making a good effort, not only the amount but the direction and... 'navigation' might not be a terrible word to describe it. I would enjoy rewarding that, and assuring you that you are a great deal of what he ought to be looking for in an NT woman. I have had so much trouble in the male/female relationship department due to miscommunication, and if a few, or maybe even just one of them had done half of what you've done to understand it may have changed my life considerably. From my point of view, you're doing so much. If you can take comfort from the post of a stranger on the internet, you should be feeling pretty good right about now.

 

[Oodee]

I knew it would be helpful to ask you all for your insights! It didn't even cross my mind, that the trust-thing could be about the words and not the people, so I was taking it really personally. Thank you so much! Of course only he knows how things truly are, but this would really make sense and it patches up my bruised NT-ego.
I gotta say, that few years ago things wouldn't have gone this way. I was so immature even if I was already 30 years old, and I would have gone in rage and ditched him without even trying to figure how things went. But then I had my daughter and kids aren't that famous for being rational, so I had to grow up. And I'm so happy that we started to date now and not when we first met, because I think my bf deserves this version of me and not that undesirable person I used to be.
I don't always succeed in being rational, but luckily I'm good at apologizing. It's not his fault that he is an aspie and I think he has gotten enough crap in his life only because he's not "normal". His ex-gf said things to him like "you're really cold person". I bet some of you may have heard this too. I feel really lucky that I'm the first person ever he has said he loves (aside from family). It's not uncommon for men to say that when they just want to sleep with you and it tells me a lot about his character that he hasn't said it to anyone before. I also think it brings a certain responsibility to me to really try and make things work. I KNOW he's committed to our relationship, even if I don't always FEEL that he is and I should keep that in mind. And it doesn't hurt that I think he's the sexiest man alive...
I have two big brothers, maybe one of them would do?