Better off not being friends?

[Lichi]

I have a friend who I got to know 3 years ago. According to her we hit it off pretty well instantly, while for me I did enjoy her company. She is 5 years younger than me and in her early twenties.

The problem is that she requires a lot of attention. She had a period where she wanted to spend all of her time with me, even chasing away guys who were interested in me to spend more time. She likes to hug and touch and physical contact, and wishes to know every single detail about me. She is an extremely emotional person who will get upset about the slightest things and start crying. If she seeks advice or if you would discuss something with her she will get defensive and claim you’re attacking her. She also has a need to showcase her friendship with a lot of pictures etc.

The past couple of months have been pretty hard on her. I have been isolated a lot due to my anxiety and the simple need to re-charge. I explained to her my problem with not being able to be emotionally involved and I can’t be the person who will tell her “poor you, you are so good and this should not happen”. This doesn’t mean I feel she got as she deserved, but I can’t just emotionally be on that level to comfort her. She seemed to be OK with that for a while.

Lately she moved to work in a small town. We text each other now and then, but she craves to do video calls. Or she will open the conversation with phrases out of context that will be irritating to me. She also uses a lot of hidden meanings and wants me to speak “nicer” to her because of everything that has happened to her and she’s still hurting, which again isn’t something I can relate to. She also complains that she is the one to always make an effort to keep in touch with me a lot, despite me explaining how it is awkward for me to do so and that I have tried a few times.

It’s not that I don’t like her, I do. I tried explaining her that I expect her to understand me more since I have known her for a longer period, so I can let my guard down when I’m with her. The thing is that she craves so much emotional support and contact that it drains even completely. She can be offended by my lack of being able to comfort her. With everything going on with her lately I believe she needs a person who can ne more supportive and sympathetic. I believe I, and most people with Asperger would not be able to be the friend that she needs. Is it better for me to end the friendship instead of letting her down constantly?

 

[Nervous Rex]

I'll refrain from commenting on your friend's behavior. I think you can come to a conclusion based on your feelings alone:

Is the relationship working for you?
If it isn't, it needs to change. Relationships are mutual and you should both benefit from it.

Change may mean ending the relationship.

Change could also mean that you set some boundaries and stick to them. If she accepts and abides by the boundaries, great - you have just saved a relationship. If she doesn't, then the relationship isn't going to work, and should end.

 

[Theta.G]

Alota (nt) females need their hand held. Emotionally they're like children. Needing someone to say "Aw, poor you" then baby them for every problem.

My advice... don't over exert yourself trying to be overly emotionally supportive. An increasing amount of baggage would be unloaded onto you.
Be yourself and if people don't like it they can gtfo. It's not like you can change to a new sustainable behavior easily. I think if you don't even try to be that emotional rock for her she'll eventually pick up on it and find someone on her own who would have the qualities she craves. Your friendship will remain in tact, probably less time interacting as well cuz she'll be busy with the noobie. If she takes offense and ends the friendship because of this then she may have just been using you to neutralize her own mood swings.

 

[Bolletje]

You can’t be everything to her. You can be a good friend to her by being you, but you don’t have to follow a script to cater to her needs. Keep being you and doing what feels good to you.
She knows you, so she should know what’s your friendship looks like. If she complains that it’s not enough, you could suggest she goes out and get some more friends to fulfill her needs. From what you wrote, she sounds quite selfish, but I’m wary to make such a judgment based on a short paragraph of text.

 

[SusanLR]

I think if you don't even try to be that emotional rock for her she'll eventually pick up on it and find someone on her own who would have the qualities she craves. Your friendship will remain in tact, probably less time interacting as well cuz she'll be busy with the noobie

Just keep being yourself and I agree with Hdphn33 this is exactly what will happen. She will eventually ween herself as she sees you aren't the ideal she is wanting.

 

[Bella Pines]

It's okay to drop friends. You sound like you are justifying your actions and your behavior, when you don't need to. You've done nothing wrong, you've tried but it's not working, it's perfectly okay to drop friends, they come and go all the time.

Over the course of my life I've had a few friends like her, I think some of them were attracted to me because they craved the drama. They wanted me to be cold so that they could take offense and be upset. They never tried to understand me. If anything I felt a bit sorry for them, but you can't help anyone who won't help themselves.

That being said, dropping friends is as much as an art form as making them! It rarely works to say "hey, look, this isn't working, I'm going to have to let you go". They get super upset, and some of them go off on one and turn quite nasty. They can then launch campaigns to get everyone in the known cosmiverse to hate you! So I now do it subtlety over time, I say I have depression or am ill. I told one friend that I had nits and the nits keep coming back. I then go quiet and brush them off each time they try to contact me. They eventually get wrapped up in their own lives and go away. And it's often a relief! I swear, it's been such a pain I'm going to discourage friendships from ever starting. Easy life. Ooo maybe next time I should use an STD or something...

 

[Lichi]

I have tried to explain how I’m emotionally unable to provide what she asks directly in clear words before. She said that she understood. I brought up the subject again and she was wondering if there was somewhere she could get more information. I was hoping to find some article or something that would explain how it is having a friend with Asperger, but I find most on being in a relationship with someone with Asperger.

@Bolletje - I was hoping not to paint her in a selfish character, but she has crossed me as one on several occasions. Her grandmother was in a coma and she was crying saying “why does this have to happen to me. Why do I deserve this.” When I tried consoling her telling her her grandmother had lives a long life of 92 years and she will be relieved from all her pain and suffering, she kept on going on about how bad it was for her. Her grandmother is better now, on life support. Her dad still wanted her to come home and hung up the phone with “do as you want. You’re an adult.” She started going off about how he could talk to her like that. He didn’t even wish her happy birthday. She should at least get her birthday party before she leaves. When I said he must be having a hard time because his mother is as ill she accused me of taking his side and being against her.

I did tell he to make new friends. She did, but she wanted us all to hang out. Then she insisted that I should be jealous. She dropped the friends telling me she couldn’t trust them.

It is very hard for me because she uses a lot of cues like “forget it” but won’t let the topic go. When I do let it go as she told me she says I’m cold... but I already told her that on my own. Why would she expect otherwise?

 

[Mary Terry]

She sounds like she has classic histrionic personality disorder with a hefty dose of narcissism, or perhaps other cluster B personality disorders, as they are often found in combination. Look up histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder and see if she fits the definitions. Good luck if you try to continue the relationship. Speaking from experience, that kind of personality will suck the life out of you and it will still not be enough attention to satisfy them.

 

[tducey]

If you're not satisfied with your relationship then that's it. No reason for you to stay unless she changes or becomes more catering to your needs.

 

[Lichi]

She sounds like she has classic histrionic personality disorder with a hefty dose of narcissism, or perhaps other cluster B personality disorders, as they are often found in combination. Look up histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder and see if she fits the definitions. Good luck if you try to continue the relationship. Speaking from experience, that kind of personality will suck the life out of you and it will still not be enough attention to satisfy them.

I read the histrionic personality disorder and it’s as if it’s written based on her. Every sign is present.

I provided her a link and didn’t hear anything back since then, other than it was too difficult English for her to understand. It was a short summary from some magazine article on Asperger. Later the same evening she posted a link to some article on astrology, which was way more advance English than I provided her. So yeah I am letting it go now as she hasn’t gotten back to me since.