I've never been big on birthdays. The term "Happy Birthday" actually tends to evoke negative emotions onto what I already find to be a difficult day.
2 years ago on this day I met who I thought was "the one". We spent over 8 hours talking and had a magical time. So my birthday now is associated with a deep sense of loss too. In fact, we met in a meadow where I'd gone to sit alone as I was feeling extremely depressed and she stopped to ask if I was ok, and it's how we got to talking.
I got a letter delivered a few days ago which I knew was for my birthday as it had my name but no address. I actually opened it early as I had a feeling it might've been from her. I saw on her Facebook she was back in the village for a few days. She hadn't bothered to message me to ask if we wanted to meet up - this hurt, as when we were friends after we broke up I went above and beyond, even when I didn't have the energy, money or means to meet; I would forgo myself. Now, looking back I can see this is unhealthy, but still - the bias feels very unfair.
Instead when I opened the card I saw it was from my Aunt and Uncle and the card was something jokey about beer. I'm 1678 days sober from alcohol, having been an alcoholic for years. It made me realise how little they know me. Not that I'm close with any of my family.
My mum told me she didn't get me a card as she knows I don't like them, which is true. So she said she sent me a "funny video" which was Kermit the frog singing happy birthday. I can't stand the Muppets or any of that, so again - highlighting the difference in tastes.
No presents, no other cards. That's it for the day. I'm going to get a Thai massage later as I've had shoulder pain going on 2 weeks now.
I keep dreaming about my ex who I met on my birthday 2 years ago. What's difficult is I gave her more than anyone I've ever dated, when we split we stayed friends and we messaged daily and met up multiple times a week. After 4 months of this I told her I needed a break from talking to her, as it was tearing me up inside.
But I was terrified of the dynamic changing, as I clearly saw how much I was investing. As predicted the dynamic of the friendship changed suddenly, and drastically. Going from talking daily, when the ball was left in her court she takes a month or longer to reply to me. The energy bias is extreme - especially given how much I gave to her. Truth is, I've not healed from that relationship, and there's a lot of anger there, yet I remain civil, polite and friendly whenever we would chat.
I took stock recently - and I when I looked back I realised my gut told me "no" with regards to every single person I dated, before anything happened. My gut knew none of them were right for me, and yet I threw caution to the wind. My anxiety, depression and angst skyrockets in every relationship. I willingly traumatised myself deeply time and again when my gut knew I shouldn't have even gone there.
So today is a bit of a tricky one. I'm also on my 4th week in-between my last job ending, and waiting for a start date for my new job. Being a people pleaser, having no job to be able to help people has been very problematic. I've sank into a deep depression. I have had a few moments where the mood has lifted some, but in general I've been very low.
I'm on day 10 of no weed, which is a good thing as all it gives me is anxiety symptoms such as chest tightness, stomach aches, muscular pains, palpitations and dizziness. Often sending me into panic. So why'd I keep it up for 2 decades - because it was an addiction, and after the 45 mins or so of high anxiety, I'd get to enjoy an hour or so of being stoned. But at the cost of mounting tension in my mind and body.
I've also hit my overdraft the other day which means I can't do anything until the end of the month when I get paid. If I get paid. As I know some jobs make you wait to receive a full month's pay, so it could be the end of August.
Anyway, sorry for the low vibe here. Today's just a difficult one for me. And having another vivid dream about my ex last night really didn't help. Anyway, after the massage I'm going to go to the library again. I've been every day this week to do my art. It's a tricky environment though, as I feel extremely lonely in that place. Alone in a crowd kind of vibe. If I'm lucky I might get 1 person a week coming up to me to chat. I tried going without wearing headphones and it made no difference. I'd originally thought libraries were quiet places, but in fact a lot of people use them as social gatherings. There's also toddlers running about and babies crying. A far cry from how movies portray libraries to be. Thank goodness for my noise cancelling headphones.
I know that if I take stock - the sobriety is good, a new job on the horizon is great, I can see I was in an unhealthy relationship and I'm better off out of that. There's lots to be thankful for etc. Gratitude is a buzzword with mental health, as if somehow it'll drag you out of your depression. When in reality I often find my brain twists it to say "Look at all this good stuff you have - you're so ungrateful for being depressed."
Ed
2 years ago on this day I met who I thought was "the one". We spent over 8 hours talking and had a magical time. So my birthday now is associated with a deep sense of loss too. In fact, we met in a meadow where I'd gone to sit alone as I was feeling extremely depressed and she stopped to ask if I was ok, and it's how we got to talking.
I got a letter delivered a few days ago which I knew was for my birthday as it had my name but no address. I actually opened it early as I had a feeling it might've been from her. I saw on her Facebook she was back in the village for a few days. She hadn't bothered to message me to ask if we wanted to meet up - this hurt, as when we were friends after we broke up I went above and beyond, even when I didn't have the energy, money or means to meet; I would forgo myself. Now, looking back I can see this is unhealthy, but still - the bias feels very unfair.
Instead when I opened the card I saw it was from my Aunt and Uncle and the card was something jokey about beer. I'm 1678 days sober from alcohol, having been an alcoholic for years. It made me realise how little they know me. Not that I'm close with any of my family.
My mum told me she didn't get me a card as she knows I don't like them, which is true. So she said she sent me a "funny video" which was Kermit the frog singing happy birthday. I can't stand the Muppets or any of that, so again - highlighting the difference in tastes.
No presents, no other cards. That's it for the day. I'm going to get a Thai massage later as I've had shoulder pain going on 2 weeks now.
I keep dreaming about my ex who I met on my birthday 2 years ago. What's difficult is I gave her more than anyone I've ever dated, when we split we stayed friends and we messaged daily and met up multiple times a week. After 4 months of this I told her I needed a break from talking to her, as it was tearing me up inside.
But I was terrified of the dynamic changing, as I clearly saw how much I was investing. As predicted the dynamic of the friendship changed suddenly, and drastically. Going from talking daily, when the ball was left in her court she takes a month or longer to reply to me. The energy bias is extreme - especially given how much I gave to her. Truth is, I've not healed from that relationship, and there's a lot of anger there, yet I remain civil, polite and friendly whenever we would chat.
I took stock recently - and I when I looked back I realised my gut told me "no" with regards to every single person I dated, before anything happened. My gut knew none of them were right for me, and yet I threw caution to the wind. My anxiety, depression and angst skyrockets in every relationship. I willingly traumatised myself deeply time and again when my gut knew I shouldn't have even gone there.
So today is a bit of a tricky one. I'm also on my 4th week in-between my last job ending, and waiting for a start date for my new job. Being a people pleaser, having no job to be able to help people has been very problematic. I've sank into a deep depression. I have had a few moments where the mood has lifted some, but in general I've been very low.
I'm on day 10 of no weed, which is a good thing as all it gives me is anxiety symptoms such as chest tightness, stomach aches, muscular pains, palpitations and dizziness. Often sending me into panic. So why'd I keep it up for 2 decades - because it was an addiction, and after the 45 mins or so of high anxiety, I'd get to enjoy an hour or so of being stoned. But at the cost of mounting tension in my mind and body.
I've also hit my overdraft the other day which means I can't do anything until the end of the month when I get paid. If I get paid. As I know some jobs make you wait to receive a full month's pay, so it could be the end of August.
Anyway, sorry for the low vibe here. Today's just a difficult one for me. And having another vivid dream about my ex last night really didn't help. Anyway, after the massage I'm going to go to the library again. I've been every day this week to do my art. It's a tricky environment though, as I feel extremely lonely in that place. Alone in a crowd kind of vibe. If I'm lucky I might get 1 person a week coming up to me to chat. I tried going without wearing headphones and it made no difference. I'd originally thought libraries were quiet places, but in fact a lot of people use them as social gatherings. There's also toddlers running about and babies crying. A far cry from how movies portray libraries to be. Thank goodness for my noise cancelling headphones.
I know that if I take stock - the sobriety is good, a new job on the horizon is great, I can see I was in an unhealthy relationship and I'm better off out of that. There's lots to be thankful for etc. Gratitude is a buzzword with mental health, as if somehow it'll drag you out of your depression. When in reality I often find my brain twists it to say "Look at all this good stuff you have - you're so ungrateful for being depressed."
Ed
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