Blame

[Mrsmac]

My husband has AS and 2 of my sons and the blame game is a nightmare in our house, I don't know how to deal with it. Let me give you and example and see if anyone can help.
Dinner time today a minor disagreement took place, my eldest son tried to get "what he meant" over to us about five or six times, however he could never finish because my husband kept telling him how he was wrong. Trying to help make him understand! This went on for about 5 minutes until my son was told to "just stop" with a hand held out by my hubby. My son then erupted but left the room as he was loosing control. He went out to his punch bag in the garage to vent some of his anger (so he is learning to help himself feel better). My husband came into the kitchen and said "well that came from nowhere" I told him really it escalated because he didn't let him get his words out. To which I was told "that's right, blame me, it's always my fault" and he wouldn't talk to me again for a while. I knew to just leave him but it is so stressful. I dint mean to upset him, as we are learning strategies to cope, I thought I was doing the right thing by informing him where I thought the communication had broken down. I never got chance to mention my son had dealt with the conversation in a negative way either. This is a daily if not hourly occurrence. We have only found out about Aspergers quite recently so we thought the arguing and over talking was kinda normal. Well it is in our house. I stand there most days thinking wtf just happened lol x

 

[hurtloam]

Thinking about the conversation you had later with your husband he might have responded better to something like: "I know that you have more experience than our eldest son and probably already know the answer to what he was talking about, but teenagers just need to express themselves to learn. If he had got all of his words out then maybe he wouldn't have gone off in a rage. If we don't let him express himself then he will feel frustrated." That way you are not blaming him and he won't take offence.

Thought this was a good article: How to be honest without hurting your spouse’s feelings // Simple Marriage

 

[Ylva]

The tendency to take things personally could actually be a remnant of how he has been treated earlier in life, if he were made fun of and treated like a freak, which I would think is quite common for an undiagnosed aspie. So I don't know if the best way to deal with it is therapeutic talks with you or a professional, or phrasing things in a very impossible-to-take-as-a-personal-attack kind of way (I'm not even sure that is possible) or some other way, like taking up writing or painting or whatnot.

I should probably also remind you that he probably has alexithymia (we all do, or most of us), and it could take him some time to process his feelings.

 

[Ereth]

The first thing I'd suggest is counseling, but there are steps you can take at home, too, by talking about using different language. Your husband needs to learn that telling an Aspie he or she is "wrong" is generally a shortcut to a tantrum. Has he thought about expressing his thoughts differently? For example, he could ask your son "Have you considered X? What do you think?"

That way, he can still get a point across without shutting down your son.

 

[gregmcph]

I know this from personal experience. I do this, and I don't understand what I have done until later on.

I can declare my opinion too firmly. As if I am Right and everyone else is definitely Wrong. I don't intend it, but that's the way it comes out.
And I can be too quick to Explain. Someone speaks and I must analyse and dissect and correct. And that is friggin annoying to them.

Your hubby needs a bit of self awareness. I don't know how to get him to achieve this without him attacking back. For me, it just took time and a bit of self observation after a crisis or two that I had unintentionally created.

 

[Peace]

You must have rules to be successful. Nobody owns the truth and so can disagree, but not tell another they are wrong. Everybody deserves the respect that their reality is valid weather understood or not.
No interrupting. Maybe you could have a talking stick. Only the person who holds the stick may speak at that time. The stick is then passed or put down for the next person to take.
No accusing or blaming. instead of saying "You Made Me Feel", it should be "I Felt Like", or "It Caused Me To Feel".
Your husband needs to distinguish between when he needs to be in charge, and when he wants to be in charge, otherwise he has an unfair and unproductive advantage.
Remember that the difference between a discussion and an argument is that in a discussion you seek the truth and in an argument you seek to win.

 

[Randomperson]

Peace, dad had a talking stick when I was a kid, if I talked at the wrong time I got whacked with the stick, hard!

 

[Mrsmac]

Thank you guys so much for taking the time to reply.

My head is in pieces, it has ALWAYS happened so why am I feeling it more now I know the cause? I have been with my hubby since I was 16 and I'm the grand old age of 40 now so I am used to his behaviour. By that I don't mean bad behaviour, just the way he is. Things have gotten worse though as the children have gotten older I just don't think he can cope with the noise. I wish I had his ability to deal with things practically and not emotionally. I don't know what todo as I can feel myself breaking down and being unable to cope, my family need me to cope as I am the one holding it together and stopping world war three. I must admit though, selfish it may be I do sometimes think I'm just going to go for a it and let them all sort it out themselves.

I will take your comments on board and suck it up and get on with it I suppose. Like I always have x

 

[Mrsmac]

Oh Random, but I get ya. I must admit I think if I had a stick some legs would get it

Knowing what we should do and doing what we should do are two different things.
My husband has just gone through diagnosis, he has read everything there is to read watched videos explaining what to do and to be fair to him, he is doing amazingly well. The shouting and ranting that used to happen no longer does, now he just overpowers everyone with "knowledge" arrgghh.

I love the fact I have somewhere to go and someone to listen to me rant as I don't feel I can discuss these things at home and until we get further down the therapy line no one is telling us how to deal with things.

 

[Ylva]

Maybe the reason for the "pieces" is that now you are trying to understand, whereas previously you took it for granted.

 

[Randomperson]

Oh Random, but I get ya. I must admit I think if I had a stick some legs would get it

Knowing what we should do and doing what we should do are two different things.
My husband has just gone through diagnosis, he has read everything there is to read watched videos explaining what to do and to be fair to him, he is doing amazingly well. The shouting and ranting that used to happen no longer does, now he just overpowers everyone with "knowledge" arrgghh.

I love the fact I have somewhere to go and someone to listen to me rant as I don't feel I can discuss these things at home and until we get further down the therapy line no one is telling us how to deal with things.

It sounds like the main current issue is the nature of teenage boys rebuking the structure set by the parents, good luck with that, as NT/ASD both seem wired to want to do the opposite of what they are told, logic and sense both get tossed right out the window.

 

[Mrsmac]

Maybe the reason for the "pieces" is that now you are trying to understand, whereas previously you took it for granted.

You know what I think you've hit the nail on the head. Onwards and upwards with the understanding thanks

 

[Mrsmac]

It sounds like the main current issue is the nature of teenage boys rebuking the structure set by the parents, good luck with that, as NT/ASD both seem wired to want to do the opposite of what they are told, logic and sense both get tossed right out the window.

Isn't that the truth :/