Boyfriend is obsessed with me

[Rebecca35]

Hello, I'm new here and trying to learn how to use this site. So if I'm posting this in the wrong place my apologies.

I have a boyfriend who is autistic. I've been with him for over a year (I am not autistic)

My boyfriend is so very obsessed with me. He wants to be with me 24/7. He wants to do EVERYTHING together. We don't live together thankfully but it seems that I can't have time to myself. I have an 11 yr old daughter. I'm already a mom and basically I feel like I'm a mom to my boyfriend.

I've done so much reading and researching on autism so I know how I can communicate with him about MY boundaries, needs ect.

I will tell him several times, more then I can count, not to contact me so I can get things done. I am direct with him. I'm clear with him. I word things in a way that is not complicating. He just will not listen. I'll tell him that I'm spending time with my daughter and to not call me and that I will call him when I'm done but he still blows up my phone!

I'm not really sure if I can mention this or not but my boyfriend is obsessed with sex. He begs me for it all the time. I always say no and explain my boundaries. I have ptsd and he knows that. I've told him what I've been through and he still has the audacity to beg for sex. If we go to a store, he tries to get me into the stores bathroom for sex or behind a building and even in the park! I've told him SO many times very clearly how inappropriate that is. I feel like I'm just an object to him. Is it normal for him to act like that about sex?

I feel the relationship is toxic and unbalanced. I am the rock in the relationship, I feel like a caregiver in this relationship. I help him with all his issues but when I need something or need to vent, he doesn't get it. I have mental health problems and he just does not understand it no matter how I try to teach him.

What I want to know is, is this "normal"? Has anyone else gone through this?

I'm going to end the relationship because it's just so bad.

I hate to say it but I'm at a point where I hate him, I resent him, my blood boils just thinking about him. And I feel bad that I feel that way because I'm an empth but I'm honestly drained.

Again, I'm new here and I'm still trying to figure out how to use this site.

Thanks!

 

[Outdated]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I feel the relationship is toxic and unbalanced.

You're right. From what you've described it certainly doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. I'll take a guess that you are also his only friend and that's always going to create problems.

The high sex drive seems to be common with a lot of us and that's something I learnt early on, finding a partner with a compatible sex drive is as important as being compatible in other areas, the two of you sound unmatched in that area too.

 

[Rebecca35]

Hi and welcome to the forum.


You're right. From what you've described it certainly doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. I'll take a guess that you are also his only friend and that's always going to create problems.

The high sex drive seems to be common with a lot of us and that's something I learnt early on, finding a partner with a compatible sex drive is as important as being compatible in other areas, the two of you sound unmatched in that area too.

I agree. And yes, he doesn't have any friends or family. When we first got together he tried friending all my friends. He will obsessively msg them asking for money. He just won't stop. Almost all my friends have blocked him because of his actions.

 

[Neri]

I recently left my neurodivergent bf. I couldn't get through to him. He just can't hear my boundaries, either. My heart goes out to you.It's a difficult time for you.

 

[Outdated]

He will obsessively msg them asking for money.

In Aussie culture that's a huge red flag - asking for money. I wonder if there's more going on there than just autism, but either way that shouldn't be your problem, you have your own life to live.

I'm glad you've already made the decision to dump him, I think it is the right decision.

 

[Rodafina]

I hate him, I resent him, my blood boils just thinking about him.

Isn't this all you need to know right here?

Protect yourself and your daughter and don't let autism be an excuse for very bad behavior. Obsession is not love.

If your reason for staying in a "toxic and unbalanced" relationship is that you are empathic, then I would urge you to turn that empathy toward your daughter and yourself and get out of this unhealthy situation.

 

[Crossbreed]

@Rebecca35, do you know if he has a counselor? They cannot talk to you about his case, but they can hear input from you and include it in his counseling. Level-1 autistics can do what you are describing but with the money thing, it sounds like you are describing my level-2 son.* It will take more than dialogue to fix that problem.

*This is not true for all ASD2s, however.

 

[Rebecca35]

@Rebecca35, do you know if he has a counselor? They cannot talk to you about his case, but they can hear input from you and include it in his counseling. Level-1 autistics can do what you are describing but with the money thing, it sounds like you are describing my level-2 son.* It will take more than dialogue to fix that problem.

*This is not true for all ASD2s, however.

He is in the process of getting a therapist. Could you tell me more about how the money is a red flag? I'm really interested in learning more about that!

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Rebecca35 It's one thing to be a "special someone" in someone's life, but what you're experiencing is not healthy, at all.

We cannot comment on "why" he is behaving this way. At some level, some of these are autistic male traits, but what you're describing is rather extreme. It seems like there is something else contributing here.

Just for perspective, my wife and I have been together for almost 40 years, and I will admit that I have gotten my mind on a "track" of thought and started thinking a particular way, a way that my wife clearly was not, and at some point it had come to a critical point and she had to let me "have it" and burst my bubble. It's been decades since this has happened, but it has happened. Our little sexual fantasies seem to be ours, and ours alone, and it's difficult for us to understand that the love of our life is clearly NOT into that, that is, until we are simply rejected point blank.

Perspective taking can be a very difficult thing for many of us. It's something psychologists would call "theory of mind" difficulties. I might call it "mind blindness". It's for many, simply part of the autism condition, we only have our own perspective. It's not a matter of trying or not, it's a lack of ability in many cases. I would consider myself a pretty thoughtful person, but have also learned lessons the hard way, and now pause and ask clarifying questions. My mind operates on a totally different plane than my wife's. I see, hear, and feel things differently. I interpret things differently. I also miss a lot of non-verbal and nuanced communication. I am very self-aware of this. Personally, I have ZERO clue as to what my wife is thinking. I always have to ask. Always. I have been with her for nearly 40 years, and I can say that I will never really know her. So, if he is in that sort of situation, then that's something to consider. He might not be the person for you. On the other hand, it may be helpful for you to "burst his bubble" and explain that whatever is going on in his head in terms of what he thinks is going on in yours, is just plain wrong. He doesn't know you. He may never, even if you decide to clear all this up and continue with the relationship.

Path of least resistance at this point, it sounds like, might be to just call it off.

 

[Crossbreed]

Could you tell me more about how the money is a red flag? I'm really interested in learning more about that!

Is he employed?
I [ASD1] have been unemployed or underemployed for most of my adult life. I have been on aid when I needed to be, but would never ask random people for money. That seems immature to me.

My (37yo) ASD2 son gets plenty of aid, but squanders it on video game & gambling. I am not opposed to all gambling, but when you gamble away your food money, you have a problem.

 

[Raggamuffin]

None of his behaviour sounds healthy or positive for him, you, your friends, or your daughter.

Can I be blunt, and ask why you're staying in a relationship with him?

Ed

 

[Rebecca35]

Is he employed?
I [ASD1] have been unemployed or underemployed for most of my adult life. I have been on aid when I needed to be, but would never ask random people for money. That seems immature to me.

My (37yo) ASD2 son gets plenty of aid, but squanders it on video game & gambling. I am not opposed to all gambling, but when you gamble away your food money, you have a problem.

He's on disability, he's 43. He has a payee but the monthly money he does get he blows it immediately

 

[Crossbreed]

He has a payee...

My son has a payee. That means that he is functionally level-2.
That means his severe behaviors are the expression of a type of brain damage, not just bad choices (that he can change voluntarily).

See Autism Subtypes...

 

[Rebecca35]

@Rebecca35 It's one thing to be a "special someone" in someone's life, but what you're experiencing is not healthy, at all.

We cannot comment on "why" he is behaving this way. At some level, some of these are autistic male traits, but what you're describing is rather extreme. It seems like there is something else contributing here.

Just for perspective, my wife and I have been together for almost 40 years, and I will admit that I have gotten my mind on a "track" of thought and started thinking a particular way, a way that my wife clearly was not, and at some point it had come to a critical point and she had to let me "have it" and burst my bubble. It's been decades since this has happened, but it has happened. Our little sexual fantasies seem to be ours, and ours alone, and it's difficult for us to understand that the love of our life is clearly NOT into that, that is, until we are simply rejected point blank.

Perspective taking can be a very difficult thing for many of us. It's something psychologists would call "theory of mind" difficulties. I might call it "mind blindness". It's for many, simply part of the autism condition, we only have our own perspective. It's not a matter of trying or not, it's a lack of ability in many cases. I would consider myself a pretty thoughtful person, but have also learned lessons the hard way, and now pause and ask clarifying questions. My mind operates on a totally different plane than my wife's. I see, hear, and feel things differently. I interpret things differently. I also miss a lot of non-verbal and nuanced communication. I am very self-aware of this. Personally, I have ZERO clue as to what my wife is thinking. I always have to ask. Always. I have been with her for nearly 40 years, and I can say that I will never really know her. So, if he is in that sort of situation, then that's something to consider. He might not be the person for you. On the other hand, it may be helpful for you to "burst his bubble" and explain that whatever is going on in his head in terms of what he thinks is going on in yours, is just plain wrong. He doesn't know you. He may never, even if you decide to clear all this up and continue with the relationship.

Path of least resistance at this point, it sounds like, might be to just call it off.

Thank you for your reply! My boyfriend doesn't understand social cues and norms I want to add. Yes, lately I've been giving him "tough love". To get him to listen to me, it takes me having to yell, cuss and cry at him and I don't like that. I'm turning into someone I don't want to be. His response to me yelling at him is that he will listen. His feelings surprisingly don't get hurt from me doing that. However, he does cry.. alot but it's about the same thing. Sa

 

[Neonatal RRT]

He is in the process of getting a therapist. Could you tell me more about how the money is a red flag? I'm really interested in learning more about that!

A part of it can be "obsessive thoughts". A part of it can be part of the "low dopamine/low serotonin" condition that many autistics have. A part of it can be that, in the past, others have "rewarded" him with money when he has asked.

I can get into all the neurochemistry of this, but it's well-documented that some, if not many, autistics will have issues with an excitatory-to-inhibitory neurotransmitter imbalance where those excitatory neurotransmitters are sitting in that synaptic space and firing and refiring leading to repetitive thoughts and actions. It can be something rather benign like a "special interest" that keeps us distracted during the day and up all night thinking. It can mean repetitive movements, OCD-like behaviors, even getting frustrated and angry with distractions like other people, phone calls, the door bell, whatever. If it's obtaining money and squandering it all away on impulses, then that certainly is a problem.

Now, throw in the low dopamine/low serotonin condition associated with the autism. Well, a lot of autistics like video games with "points", "next levels", etc., we might like social media with "likes" and "hearts" and "winner", we might like gambling with "big jackpot wins", etc. These are all dopamine spikers. As is being with someone they love, obtaining sex, etc. It can lead to obsessive behaviors just trying to "self medicate" with dopamine. I had weight lifting, setting goals, doing strength competitions. Some days I was "high" on endorphins and dopamine while in the gym. I did this for decades. Sometimes our "self medication" habits are benign, and sometimes they are destructive.