Boyfriend with Aspergers just broke up with me...

[Johanna G]

Hello!

My boyfriend, who I have been on and off with for two years, broke up with me last night. Or well, he broke up with me because he could tell I wasn't happy with him. I just feel so horrible...

I have borderline personality disorder, albeit an extremely mild version. Basically you could say I have an emotional intensity disorder, where I feel things incredibly, incredibly intensely.

My boyfriend, or well ex boyfriend, broke up with me because I expressed that I was unhappy with him and I basically listed his Asperger-traits as why I'm not satisfied with him. He told me the last thing he wants to do is hurt me, and if he could choose he would never hurt me and we would be together forever, but he can't change the way he is. He will always put school and academic-and workrelated success first, and I told him ''I'm tired of fighting for your attention, I want to be a priority, I want you to put in some effort, I feel as if I'm the one putting in all the effort in this relationship.''

Basically, he broke up with me for pretty noble reasons. I know this sounds pretty stupid, but I guess I just want some validation that I didn't do anything wrong. There was nothing else I could do, right? I love him so incredibly much, but I can't be with him because of, well, his Aspergers.

We have broken up before because of this exact same thing, but he just can't change, and I can't settle. What do you guys think? I did everything I could, right, and so did he? We tried to make it work because we love each other, and I shouldn't take it personally that he couldn't change for me, right? Because that's how I'm feeling right now, that maybe if I'd just settled, maybe if I'd given him more time, I'd have been less demanding, then things would have worked...

I feel as if my world is ending, I have cried non-stop since it happened... I'm sorry I'm sounding so desperate and pathetic. Also, another thing, every time we've broken up before, he's never cried, and he didn't cry this time. I was beside myself, screaming and crying going ''No no no please don't don't do this'' and all that stuff, bargaining, negotiating, guilt-tripping, refusing to leave, basically the worst things you can do when you're breaking up, haha, but I didn't care, all I cared about was making him change his mind, I would have done literally ANYTHING at that point, and all he did was look at me and say ''Shh'' and stroke my leg. Does that mean that he didn't love me as much as I love him?

Why doesn't he ever cry? I've asked him before why he's never cried when we've broken up and he's just said ''I don't know, I just don't cry''. The only time he's cried since he was a kid was when his father passed away recently. I know it's horrible that I ''want'' to see him cry, but I feel like for me crying is a sign of really caring and being really, genuinely upset about something. If he doesn't cry, doesn't call or text, does that mean that he didn't really love me?

I don't even know the point of this post, I'm so sorry, I just honestly feel as if I am losing my mind, I'm honestly beside myself with grief, if anyone has ANYTHING to tell me to give me clarity or reassurance that he did love me and that he does care and that it's not personal, please, please help me.

 

[Tom]

Marry a Doctor

 

[Johanna G]

Marry a Doctor

Excuse me? What do you mean by that? I came here for some clarity and help, and if you want to be rude and I somehow bother you, then just don't reply to this post?

 

[tree]

@Johanna G

I believe the "Marry a doctor" reply was meant as a joke.

How do you know the boyfriend was ASD?
Was he diagnosed?

It sounds like the two of you weren't a particularly great match,
regardless of what the initial attraction between you was.

 

[MrSpock]

Hello!

My boyfriend, who I have been on and off with for two years, broke up with me last night. Or well, he broke up with me because he could tell I wasn't happy with him. I just feel so horrible...

I have borderline personality disorder, albeit an extremely mild version. Basically you could say I have an emotional intensity disorder, where I feel things incredibly, incredibly intensely.

My boyfriend, or well ex boyfriend, broke up with me because I expressed that I was unhappy with him and I basically listed his Asperger-traits as why I'm not satisfied with him. He told me the last thing he wants to do is hurt me, and if he could choose he would never hurt me and we would be together forever, but he can't change the way he is. He will always put school and academic-and workrelated success first, and I told him ''I'm tired of fighting for your attention, I want to be a priority, I want you to put in some effort, I feel as if I'm the one putting in all the effort in this relationship.''

Basically, he broke up with me for pretty noble reasons. I know this sounds pretty stupid, but I guess I just want some validation that I didn't do anything wrong. There was nothing else I could do, right? I love him so incredibly much, but I can't be with him because of, well, his Aspergers.

We have broken up before because of this exact same thing, but he just can't change, and I can't settle. What do you guys think? I did everything I could, right, and so did he? We tried to make it work because we love each other, and I shouldn't take it personally that he couldn't change for me, right? Because that's how I'm feeling right now, that maybe if I'd just settled, maybe if I'd given him more time, I'd have been less demanding, then things would have worked...

I feel as if my world is ending, I have cried non-stop since it happened... I'm sorry I'm sounding so desperate and pathetic. Also, another thing, every time we've broken up before, he's never cried, and he didn't cry this time. I was beside myself, screaming and crying going ''No no no please don't don't do this'' and all that stuff, bargaining, negotiating, guilt-tripping, refusing to leave, basically the worst things you can do when you're breaking up, haha, but I didn't care, all I cared about was making him change his mind, I would have done literally ANYTHING at that point, and all he did was look at me and say ''Shh'' and stroke my leg. Does that mean that he didn't love me as much as I love him?

Why doesn't he ever cry? I've asked him before why he's never cried when we've broken up and he's just said ''I don't know, I just don't cry''. The only time he's cried since he was a kid was when his father passed away recently. I know it's horrible that I ''want'' to see him cry, but I feel like for me crying is a sign of really caring and being really, genuinely upset about something. If he doesn't cry, doesn't call or text, does that mean that he didn't really love me?

I don't even know the point of this post, I'm so sorry, I just honestly feel as if I am losing my mind, I'm honestly beside myself with grief, if anyone has ANYTHING to tell me to give me clarity or reassurance that he did love me and that he does care and that it's not personal, please, please help me.

Imagine I went to a site where just about everyone was blind, let's call it Blind People's Central.

"My blind girlfriend just broke up with me. She said it's because I have repeatedly told her that I can't be with a person who is blind. Oh, poor me! Have I done anything wrong?"

Rather provocative, no? @Tom 's response was mild in comparison. If you don't think so, try reading the OP... I suspect you posted it without reading it or thinking about the content.

 

[Bolletje]

@Tom hey now, what have I done to you?

OP, if he’s never responded emotionally to situations such as these, why would you expect him to do so now? He might as well expect you to respond calmly this time, which would be equally out of character.

 

[BraidedPony]

Your Borderline Personality is not as mild as you think it is.
What you did to your boyfriend is abusive and he is better off without you. Sorry if you are suffering but life sucks.

 

[pamelaperejil]

Hello!
I don't even know the point of this post, I'm so sorry, I just honestly feel as if I am losing my mind, I'm honestly beside myself with grief, if anyone has ANYTHING to tell me to give me clarity or reassurance that he did love me and that he does care and that it's not personal, please, please help me.

It sounds like he loved you enough to know when to let go, which was a hard choice that had to be made, and which you weren't able to make for yourself. It sounds like he did you both a favor, saving you both time and pain, in the long run.

It was a kindness, though I'm sure it doesn't feel so now.

If I were you I would try to recognize that most people will not feel things as deeply as you do; that they just can't. And try to learn to be at peace with that.

Good luck.

 

[Skids]

Marry a Doctor

Possibly one of the funniest things i've read on here.

I do think though that Johanna G is genuinely in need of help, advice and assistance but i'm 42 and because of this, the post just came across to me like some immature lovestruck schoolkid and i've got enough on with own kids.

All due respect to Johanna G though as there seems to be a genuine problem and enough for her to come on here and seek assistance so i'm hoping that there are some people on here willing and able to help and advise like PamelaPerejil has kindly done.

 

[Mattymatt]

@JohannaG, Relationships are a two way street. Your ex may sense your inability to accept him for whom he is. He certainly accepts and loves you. It might also be a good opportunity for you to address your issues. I've dated someone with borderline personality disorder and it is not easy. It's not easy to date someone autistic either but relationships are a two way street. You won't be able to change your partner or force them to change. You can only work on you.

 

[OkRad]

You told him you were not happy because of his Aspergers. So he let you go. I really don't see the confusion.

It's too bad you could not appreciate his Aspergers. People with Aspergers and Autism are kind and gentle and sensitive and they listen to what you have to say.

It's too bad you took that gift and smashed it. If you ever get so lucky to find another person who loves you like only an Aspie can, you should respect him and treasure him.

 

[Theta.G]

Ah. so these threads are still around.

Reverse the roles.
Imagine if he broke up with you because of your borderline personality disorder then starting listing traits of BPD as being the reasons he doesn't want to be with you?
How does that make you feel?
(Does the thought... but that's not who i am! come to mind?)

As for desperately wanting him to see him cry for you... that's a number of things. You want to see emotion you want to feel like your still needed by him yet you can't take his word for how damaged he is because you don't understand him or aspergers / autism. A little research. A little studying. (Not just a few hours in a day here or there, not looking for justifications to break up over) would give you some understanding. And (personal opinion) it sounds like you watch to many soaps and expect guys to act like they do in those dramatic shows. // programming.

People who don't cry from painful experiences usually have it manifest as ulcers, migraines, panic attacks or a host of other responses that attack the body. It's still the same pain. Just not expressed through salty water coming out of the eyes. They've lost that beneficial emotional release technique and have to deal with something much worse as mentioned earlier in this paragraph.

 

[Cogitatio]

It has crossed my mind, as an Aspie, whether I should split up with my girlfriend. I lover her very much and she loves me. But I am not sure she likes me any more and I find it hard to be in a relationship with someone who does not like me (she is NT and I was diagnosed earlier this year). As someone with Borderline personality disorder you will no doubt find it hard to blame yourself as my ex had BPD and she could not see a world outside of her bubble where she was safe and always right. I expect you are just looking for validation. You love him but don't like him. He is therefore like close family and not like a partner. You clearly do not want to be with him because of the way he is. I think some people are being harsh. You do not have to stay with someone you don't like. Just because the things you don't like are aspie things does not mean you are discriminating. If I understand correctly you are breaking up with him because you don't like A,B, C, D behaviours. That those are aspie is irrelevant. You are not breaking up because he is an aspie, you are breaking up (lets forget who pulled the trigger, it was you) because you do not like some of the behaviours. That someone must stay with someone who has a condition like aspergers to avoid a label of discrimination is ridiculous. I have preferences for a partner and I discriminate against those who do not meet my target lady. I like petite women. Slim. I would not expect to be accused of discriminating against fat people.

So perhaps this is not the place to gain validation. But good luck anyway.

 

[flawedplan]

You have stepped into the lion's den it seems. Aspies can be separatists who will drive even disabled folk away, not seeing that fellow disabled are their true sisters and brothers, allied in their social marginalization.

Relationships with men on the Autism spectrum are as you describe, and entail proper support and direction to make them work. I have been with my Aspie for 3 years. Interactions and reactions can be traumatizing, discombobulating, frightening, and make you question yourself, and wonder if you are sane, if you have a handle on reality. That's not all Asperger's at work. That's gender privilege, and maybe the BPD making you feel like you have no point of view or if you do it's crazy and worthless. This isn't anybody's fault.

You need to get back in your body and grounded in your experience. You, as the authority on your experience. You have legitimacy. All of it, thoughts, feelings, point of view, you don't have to build a case for it, you can let it stand. It's easy to forget that when your partner is not able to take your perspective. But with counseling, I believe anyone can learn some measure of empathy, I'm seeing decent gains in my own partner, who has been working at it for years. This is what we spend our money on instead of travel. Yes, it takes that kind of commitment.

I have a dormant mixed Cluster B personality disorder myself (along with about 20 other psych labels) so I know something about where you're coming from. I have written dozens of posts like yours all over the Internet in my more unstable years, and just getting the words in front of eyes, so I could disturb some folks out there was enough to set me rights until I could get to my shrink. I'm wondering if this is how it is for you, and hoping you are not reading this awful thread in shame and self-loathing. Don't re-traumatize yourself due to the tribalism of our fashionable hashtag actually autistic groovers. Life is short, and you have heart. Put your hand on that heart right now. Breathe in, breathe out.

 

[DJones]

He will always put school and academic-and workrelated success first, and I told him ''I'm tired of fighting for your attention, I want to be a priority, I want you to put in some effort, I feel as if I'm the one putting in all the effort in this relationship.''

The guy has his priorities in order. He doesn't want to waste time right now. <---- That doesn't mean you are a waste of time, you understand. Maybe he recognizes that there will be time for all that later, once he has secured his and the lucky person's (who was mature enough to see that,) futures.

"Marry a Doctor" fits so well. If you think about the time a prospective doctor spent in medical school, internships, residencies, Board Qualifications, etc.

that maybe if I'd just settled, maybe if I'd given him more time, I'd have been less demanding, then things would have worked...

The question shouldn't be, "does he really love me?" rather, do you really love him? If you do, why are you wanting to pull him off track? When I know my wife is prepping hard for a difficult business presentation, I try to take on as many responsibilities as I can, so that its easier for her. She does the same for me. When I'm under outside pressure, deadlines, she doesn't "well, why don't you ever take me out? Why don't you pay attention to ME?" She understands that if I crack, life will become very hard, unnecessarily so. She is very good at delaying the need for instant emotional gratification. I guess I'm really lucky having someone like her.

Its HARD being a successful student. It does require unwavering pin-point focus and once you're off track, that's it. Game over. That's why we beg our kids not to get caught up in girl-friend/boy-friend trap, the endless game of tag, at young age while they are still students.

I mean, what do you want him to do, quit his demanding academic track to spend more time with you? What happens then? He has to take a second or third choice, less rewarding, lower paying occupation - and what then? Are you going to look back and say " he was a kind man... He was a wise man...he had plans, he had vision." ?? No. You'll be back on saying "he can't afford to give me the things I want. The life I deserve".

I feel as if my world is ending, I have cried non-stop since it happened... I'm sorry I'm sounding so desperate and pathetic. ... I was beside myself, screaming and crying going ''No no no please don't don't do this'' and all that stuff, bargaining, negotiating, guilt-tripping, refusing to leave, basically the worst things you can do when you're breaking up, haha, but I didn't care, all I cared about was making him change his mind, I would have done literally ANYTHING at that point,

and all he did was look at me and say ''Shh'' and stroke my leg.

Your ex's response is just so cool . I know it doesn't seem like a "cool" thing to you but understand it from another perspective: I spend a lot of time trying to teach my son's how to do just that. How to handle situations with such cool, à plomb. They're in their teens and the girls at that age are competing with each other to see who can get the most number of guys interested in them ( I know this is not your situation). So they do their little flirt-game, make each one of the dozen or so guys they have on their string feel like he is special. And of course, when a boy "bites", when she has tricked him into falling in love, suddenly she looses interest. Moves on to the next target. So typically neurotypical. <---- And that's coming from an NT, BTW.

One of my son's is on the spectrum and he happens to be a very good looking fellow, which makes him a walking target for these shallow-hearted things to play their Cat & Mouse with. So he gets caught up with their BS, buys it hook, line, sinker, gets his heart broke, looses sleep, gets off of track in his academics, begins doubting himself. I try to teach him not to panic. To make priorities the priority. That when he is older, he will find that real women, the type that he would want. The sort who likes to see confidence, perspective, and emotive stability in their men. It frees them up to be who they are without worrying if he can handle it. They want a man who has things to do besides chase them. They don't want a needy guy who panics as much as they do. They want a guy who can

and all he did was look at me and say ''Shh'' and stroke my leg.

I'd give anything if my son could be like that.

If he doesn't cry, doesn't call or text, does that mean that he didn't really love me?

Just for kicks and giggles, you could try a different approach. Instead, just tell him "hey, I know you are swamped with Mid-Terms, etc.,. Is there anything I can do to help out? Pick up lunch, get your laundry done, take care of ..."

Trust me, those kinds of things are remembered and make for very strong bonds and they help ensure success instead of jeopardizing it.

Take care

 

[Marcus Johnson]

Being rather new to this website, I'll keep my answer short and sweet:
Relationships are doomed to fail if they're based only on both parties' attraction and sexual infatuation with each-other. Being in love is different to being in a relationship - love is centered around sexual and emotional gratification, whereas a relationship requires commitment, compassion and above all else - acceptance, which is what you seem to be especially lacking for your ex-boyfriend. Your main hurdle at the moment is learning not to give in to those intense emotions that almost force you to question your partner's dedication to you. If it's an on and off relationship, then sexual and emotional satisfaction is all you really want from each-other and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can learn to accept each-other's flaws.