Break up with ? Boyfriend who is prob on spectrum?

[Lols]

Hi,

I have been agonizing over this decision for 7 weeks. My boyfriend is living in Australia and wants me to move there for the foreseeable. I spent 2 months there living with him and noticed a number of Aspie traits. I became stressed with the difficulties communicating about our uncertain future... I told him today that I can't go to Australia for family, career and because I'm a home bird..Should I tell him what my real fears are?

 

[Ereth]

Why should he be kept in the dark? Good communication is the foundation for any relationship. I know it can be difficult, especially when you're with someone on the autism spectrum, but the truth is unequivocally better than a lie. If you're not sure you can handle being with him, you need to tell him so.

Perhaps the two of you can sit down and have a talk about how to improve communication in the future. My boyfriend is neurotypical, and he knows I will let him know if something is bothering me or if I don't understand something. For his part, he does his best to explain what I don't get.

Regardless of where you two end up as a couple, I recommend that you be honest with your boyfriend.

 

[Peace]

Hi,

I have been agonizing over this decision for 7 weeks. My boyfriend is living in Australia and wants me to move there for the foreseeable. I spent 2 months there living with him and noticed a number of Aspie traits. I became stressed with the difficulties communicating about our uncertain future... I told him today that I can't go to Australia for family, career and because I'm a home bird..Should I tell him what my real fears are?

Hi, and I respect you for going this far. Many people would just cut and run. If you had something on your face, wouldn't you want someone to tell you? Now imagine if life seemed strange. If you felt a little different, but were not really sure if you were correct or not. If the people around you seemed to all abandon you after a short while and you usually ended up wondering what happened.
Often times the obvious is the most overlooked, and we are the last ones to notice something about ourselves. It is best that someone tell him, and the closer that person is to him the more believable it will be. Telling him is not going to make or brake your relationship, that will survive or die regardless. It will help him to find out about himself though, and I think he deserves to know. Even if he is not an Aspie, he will have an idea of how he is perceived by others. There are some good tests on line that he can take, and perhaps this is a good way to introduce him to the idea.
Good luck in where ever things go from here.

 

[Judge]

Hi,

Should I tell him what my real fears are?

Absolutely. For better or worse, it's a valid concern. Maybe you two can work it out, maybe not. All my relationships were with NT women, and they all eventually failed. Of course at the time I never had any idea of my neurological differences and neither did my significant others.

Having a basic understanding may have made a difference, but I'll never know. But you might be able to make things work if you are open and honest with each other.

 

[tlc]

Yes I agree with what's been posted. Only way it could work anyway is if you are honest with each other, so I'd tell him how you feel and go from there. Maybe he has some concerns too. Sounds like way too big of a step to take if everything isn't on the table first.

Of course all my relationships eventually failed too and by now I'm just completely burned out and done with it all. Looking back I have been with several with aspie traits, but that's not everything or even most of it. Other traits are plenty enough to make or break a relationship. So I wouldn't let just an aspie label be stopping you.

 

[Christy]

I think you should be honest about the true nature of why you're struggling, but I'm not sure I would tell him you think he's an aspie. In this case the label would not help the two of you to compromise or work on your communication. I think you would run the risk of sounding like you're accusing him of being defective and the source of all the issues. You could just focus on the specific things that are troubling you and work together to find something that works for you both.

If he expressed frustration that this is a repetitive thing in his life, then maybe I would then raise it, but only if he's open to investigating it himself.