Breaking up with boyfriend

[Pixie]

I've been with my partner for five years. At first I thought he might have Aspergers because he runs away or ends the conversation when I share my feelings, especially if I'm angry or upset over something related to him. There have been many times he's given me the silent treatment; even walked right past me when we were both outdoors without acknowledging me. He always answers my questions yes and no and has to have the last word. As long as I've known him he has rarely compromised about anything related to our house or activities. He has to be in control of things.

He is a genius, knows tons of trivia, always has an answer and has good ideas. He is hyper critical of those who aren't as smart as him. I'm highly intelligent, but he has been critical of me if I don't know what he knows and has made hurtful remarks about my intelligence. He is an amazing mechanic and can build and fix almost anything.

He has always gotten upset with me because I don't have the same skills as he does. He can't understand why I don't think like him and understand what he understands.

He tends to talk about his interests - building, mechanics (parts and how they work together), and science. We have good conversations around politics. He will weigh in if I want his advice about something related to my work and visit my family with me, but he's not into them.

He recently told me that because I don't share his interests he wants to break up. He's worried about being able to get work done on his commercial property in order for him to live off the profits in retirement. He says he'll be looking for a mate who will fix, build and do self-sufficiency gardening with him.

In hindsight it's like our relationship for him has been utilitarian. He can easily cut people out of his life if they cross him or stop giving him something that's useful to him. If a friend dies he mourns but moves right along with life. He likes to live with tons of stuff piled around him that have to do with his commercial building and he likes it when his physical environment is in disorder. (Big source of conflict with us). If things are put away, he says forgets about them. His sense of touch is heightened and he told me he communicates best with touch.

Nothing that bothers me about his behavior that affects both of us has ever gotten resolved. I sort of forgot about thinking he had Aspergers as we've gone along and I've adapted to his behavior. But now that he's breaking up with me, and the way he's done it so matter of factly, I think Aspergers explains some of the struggles we've had.

He said he likes me and enjoys my company, but we're not right for each other. He does have relationships with people, but they're usually around what they offer him in terms of ideas, help with his building, car advice, etc. He does like to help others, fixing things and offering advice.

From what I describe, does it seems like he is an Aspie? When I spoke with him early in the relationship, he said he explored it once but that it was determined that he didn't have Aspergers. I've also been reading about PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). Since we've been together my partner has never "met" a demand. He'll get milk or egss, but if I ask when he's going to do something, try to make plans, or ask him to do something he completely checks out. I don't have hopes that our relationship will continue, but I would like to understand what we were up against. Thanks for any feedback you can give me.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Warmheart]

Greetings, welcome!

 

[tree]

 

[OkRad]

Pathological Demand Avoidance. WTF?

 

[Suzanne]

Sounds more narssistic to me as I read through the dreadful behaviour you describe his actions and although a lot does seem autistic, one thing I have found out, that nts do share certain traits, even if not an aspie.

Aspie men are kind and loving and try to do all they can to accommodate their partner in life. If anything they have meltdowns due to a lack of appreciation by their partners; but they do not manisfest a narssistic attitude and this partner of yours, certainly does.

An nt told me recently: I guess what makes us different, is that you aspie experience 10 fold of what we experience? I go along with that, because often an nt has said to me: oh, I get that, or don't worry, you are normal, we all experience that. However, has life goes on, it is evident that those same people who say: oh, we all feel that way, do in a mild and occasional way.

 

[Pixie]

Thanks, Suzanne. I appreciate your comments.

He cooks for me and focuses on my pleasure during sex and has done helpful things for my family. Could he still be highly narcissistic?

Sounds more narssistic to me as I read through the dreadful behaviour you describe his actions and although a lot does seem autistic, one thing I have found out, that nts do share certain traits, even if not an aspie.

Aspie men are kind and loving and try to do all they can to accommodate their partner in life. If anything they have meltdowns due to a lack of appreciation by their partners; but they do not manisfest a narssistic attitude and this partner of yours, certainly does.

An nt told me recently: I guess what makes us different, is that you aspie experience 10 fold of what we experience? I go along with that, because often an nt has said to me: oh, I get that, or don't worry, you are normal, we all experience that. However, has life goes on, it is evident that those same people who say: oh, we all feel that way, do in a mild and occasional way.

 

[Judge]

I also thought about his being on the spectrum and narcissism and well....however I simply came up short on both counts in my own opinion. While one can have a few traits or behaviors of any- or many conditions however it doesn't necessarily reflect that they actually have such a condition, regardless of their actual neurological profile.

Quite frankly I'm just not sure about this one. I just don't get the vibe that this person is necessarily autistic.

With relationships I still find the dynamic of couples not having a lot in common a fascinating one. In that for some it's an arduous hurdle all the time, while for others it may be of little concern in the big picture.

 

[Catalyst]

I think he may be slightly narcissistic, but not on the level of a personality disorder. And as someone mentioned, not quite an Aspie either, though it's not unheard of for some Aspies to not be able to quite let go of things. It's hard to say, really. PDA seems to fit fairly well. I've heard of it but I don't know that much about the diagnostic criteria. I'll have to do some research on that to give you a better answer.

A good book to read is The Autistic Mind by Temple Grandin. She has other books too if it interests you. It has a focus on "classic" autism, because the author has it, but she does mention some things about Asperger's, too. Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships has her backstory and the backstory of a man named Sean (can't remember the last name), who was more emotional where she's more logical. They kinda represent two extremes.

The criteria for Asperger's is in the DSM-IV TR, and can be found here:
Asperger's Diagnostic Criteria

It's an easier (and cheaper) way to get an idea of what to look for, but there is so much more to the condition than what the DSM-IV TR says. So there's kinda a pro and con.

I'll get back to you on PDA. I just want to make sure I know more about it before I give it consideration.

EDIT: Okay, so I've looked into it, and it's hard to tell immediately about PDA. One of the things about it is language delay, which his parents may or may not have noticed, but it doesn't say for how long the language delay is. If it was until 3 or 4 years (or more) like a lot of autistic people, they probably would have gotten him diagnosed with autism already. It doesn't immediately seem like an Aspie condition, if we go by the DSM-IV TR criteria, and it was removed in the DSM-V, which is where PDA is. I wish I could give you a better answer, but from what I see, unless he displayed more signs of "classic" autism when he was younger, it's not likely PDA.

 

[Judge]

PDA seems to fit fairly well. I've heard of it but I don't know that much about the diagnostic criteria.

Good question, given PDA is not presently recognized by either the DSM-5 or the ICD-10.

 

[Catalyst]

Good question, given PDA is not presently recognized by either the DSM-5 or the ICD-10.

Sorry, I see that now. According to Wikipedia, they dropped it in favor of oppositional defiant disorder.

 

[Pixie]

Thank you!!! I'm not sure it's proper to reply and leave your reply to my question below. Regardless, I appreciate the time you took to respond to my question and to look into PDA. Labels only go so far in helping us understand differences. It may just be a case of opposites, and for him, desiring a partner who is more like him. Especially because he's feeling super stressed about his properties and the repairs and fixes they need and his financial future related to them.

I think he may be slightly narcissistic, but not on the level of a personality disorder. And as someone mentioned, not quite an Aspie either, though it's not unheard of for some Aspies to not be able to quite let go of things. It's hard to say, really. PDA seems to fit fairly well. I've heard of it but I don't know that much about the diagnostic criteria. I'll have to do some research on that to give you a better answer.

A good book to read is The Autistic Mind by Temple Grandin. She has other books too if it interests you. It has a focus on "classic" autism, because the author has it, but she does mention some things about Asperger's, too. Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships has her backstory and the backstory of a man named Sean (can't remember the last name), who was more emotional where she's more logical. They kinda represent two extremes.

The criteria for Asperger's is in the DSM-IV TR, and can be found here:
Asperger's Diagnostic Criteria

It's an easier (and cheaper) way to get an idea of what to look for, but there is so much more to the condition than what the DSM-IV TR says. So there's kinda a pro and con.

I'll get back to you on PDA. I just want to make sure I know more about it before I give it consideration.

EDIT: Okay, so I've looked into it, and it's hard to tell immediately about PDA. One of the things about it is language delay, which his parents may or may not have noticed, but it doesn't say for how long the language delay is. If it was until 3 or 4 years (or more) like a lot of autistic people, they probably would have gotten him diagnosed with autism already. It doesn't immediately seem like an Aspie condition, if we go by the DSM-IV TR criteria, and it was removed in the DSM-V, which is where PDA is. I wish I could give you a better answer, but from what I see, unless he displayed more signs of "classic" autism when he was younger, it's not likely PDA.

 

[Pixie]

Posting the criteria here plus my experience with my partner -

1. marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction.

No. However, he prefers to interact with people when there's a utilitarian reason related to his interests: cars, building, repairs, machines, etc.

1. failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level.

He reports not having friends as a child. He didn't date as an adult very much. Had one relationship with someone in Great Britian over a period of time. He was married for 5 years due to pregnancy. His wife broke off the relationship and got custody, though he spent time with his daughter as she grew up. He is in touch with her now, but recently after a disagreement told me he would be okay if he never saw her again because she is part of his ex wife's family, whom he feels didn't treat him well.

1. a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g. by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people).

He does occasionaly tell me about something I might like, but it's not about sharing it with me. He is eager to share his skill and knowledge related to cars, building and repairing, but doesn't have much of a need to

1. lack of social or emotional reciprocity. This is very lacking. He runs away from feelings, whether it's "love or something positive" or anger or something negative. Does not wish to deal with or discuss.

B. Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:

1. encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus. His interests aren't abnormal, but the intensity is. There isn't a day that he doesn't discuss things related to cars or building.
2. apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals. No
3. stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements). No
4. persistent preoccupation with parts of objects. He is very interested in parts and how they make up a whole.

C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning He does have frequent fall outs with people and cuts them off. For example, he offered to fix someone's roof, but ignored the social cues about timing after he offered. He got engaged with another project and asked the person whose roof he agreed to fix to help him first with the other project. The person got mad and said he didn't want his help. He has no need to try to repair the rift.

D. There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years). I'd have to ask him about this. Not sure about this.

E. There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood. Not sure about this. He's very curious about things and stuff, not so much about people.

F. Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia.

 

[Tom]

I didn't get a strong enough impression to say either likely or unlikely. But really its his problem not yours. Its like he wants a subordinate co-worker as a mate.

 

[Gayspie]

And i am just a sad and lonely 19 year old pan-sexual asperguy who has no friends and no partner and craves companionship and cuddles.

 

[Myway]

Welcome to AC.

 

[Pixie]

I didn't get a strong enough impression to say either likely or unlikely. But really its his problem not yours. Its like he wants a subordinate co-worker as a mate.

Thanks Tom, for your succinct and smart response.