Bridging the communication gap

[sisselcakes]

I am NT and I highly suspect my boyfriend is on the spectrum. I need help in many areas of communication but there are too many to ask here so I will probably break them up into different threads.

How do you know when an argument, hurt feelings, etc. is based on misunderstanding versus being something that really needs to be addressed as a larger issue?

My boyfriend and I have so many misunderstandings that I wish could be avoided. They are simply due to differences in perception and communication rather than some huge issue we have to address.

Once I realized what was going on between us it was easy for me to let things go that seemed judgmental that he had not intended to be but sometimes I suspect there is a miscommunication but it's hard for me to not take it personally, even when he doesn't meant it to be critical.

Here's a funny example. We went to a comedy show which featured a hypnotist. I volunteered to be hypnotized. I could tell I was one of the least suggestible of the volunteers, but I was influenced to an extent. Later my boyfriend said it was obvious that I was the person least hypnotized and added "you sucked". Normally that would be a huge insult, but someone can't suck at performing while under hypnosis so it cracked me up. I realize what he meant to say was I was the least entertaining because I was the least suggestible.

I hope this question makes sense, but I wonder the following: are there triggers, clues, "a ha" moments that help you determine when a misunderstanding is due to each other's different way of perceiving and interpreting things?

Thanks.

 

[Beverly]

Not really, the results of such misunderstandings are the only way I know I've taken something wrong, or said something in a way that confused my meaning for my listener. Each instance is a separate event so, for me it's a lot of cataloging and memorizing such event to prevent them in the future.

What does help me is if my NT friends or adviser can relate their point to something I do, or to one of my quirks. When all else fails, they know they have to break it down and give me a very detailed explanation then, let me mull it over, process that and, I will get it, and remember it for the next time something similar comes up.

In short you rely more on intuition, hunches, feelings and, emotions and, I rely on tangible facts, disregarding my gut instinct more often. Understanding that does help, but when it comes to NT and Aspie communication, both sides are always going to make missteps and, there will be misunderstandings. That's unavoidable but, neither party needs to get upset or angry when that happens, it's just because we're wired differently, we can slow down a bit and talk it through without starting a fight or argument.