Bullying from parents on the playground

[Julia1]

Hi everyone,

My name is Julia and I have a very lovable 3 yr old son with ASD.
Sometimes when we go to a public playground in the small town where we live, we get these mean stares and whispers from other parents ,especially by other moms.
My son will at times act differently by repeating words or phrases, hand flapping, speaking loudly, and does stims that other people don't understand.
Some people make unkind remarks, usually behind my back or within ear distance.
I took him to the park today and he climbed to the top of the slide and was scared to come down and started to feel overwhelmed, so he got upset and was babbling words that I couldn't understand because of his speech delay. He finally decided to come down and as he reached the bottom, I overheard a mom call him a little freak and then she told her two kids to come on let's go. I knew it was about my son because her child saw us walking toward the slide and then said, "they are coming over here." They did not look happy.
My son did nothing wrong and he wasn't purposely bothering anyone.
He's just struggling with sensory overload and his behaviors may appear odd to others.
This is just one incident that has happened in the park.
He has also been called a retard by another parent that happens to be my neighbor.
The reason was because my son started repeating his words and was looking at a trike that he saw next door.
It's not his fault he behaves different.
I am so heart broken and I wish that people would stop calling him names , glaring and treating him like he's not human.
I was wondering if there are other parents that have children with Autism here, are going through this and how do you cope with it?

 

[Aspychata]

It's tough. Maybe sit him down, and start getting him to express his feelings. At the park, or on the way home, just ask did he feel a little bit overwhelmed? IIf you can get him to describe his feelings, you are helping understand his thoughts, and ask him perhaps to come sit by you for five minutes, then he can go back to the slide or whatever he was doing. l incorporate timeouts in my life even today. When l feel overwhelmed, l just go to my car, sit there, get my thoughts together, then take off for my next errand. Even as a senior citizen, l can feel overwhelmed, too many people, small spaces, l need a break.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

...and we wonder why, as we get older we want to socially isolate. (sarcasm)
...and we wonder where neurotypical children get these ideas from and why. (more sarcasm)

There are clear reasons why human beings, other mammals, birds, and even fish exhibit these behaviors. Anyone perceived as "different" will be driven out, the "weak" allowed to be neglected or outright killed. Obviously, in human societies, we have laws, but this is primal DNA at work. You cannot fix this. You cannot socially shame people for this (we've tried and failed). You cannot legislate peoples thoughts. If you are "different" enough you will be driven from society. It is what it is, but how do you cope with it? This is something that as a parent, you're going to have to teach him "healthy" ways of dealing with it so he can thrive on his own. You're going to try your best at creating "a good citizen" of this world. You aren't going to be there for him 24/7, nor forever, he needs his own legs to stand upon.

Obviously, this is why most of us learn to "mask" or hide our autism as best we can, but it does take its toll on our mental health, it's exhausting always being in a position of "acting" or "being in character" when we are out in public. It's one of the reasons why many would rather avoid being out in public and sit in a room and communicate from behind a computer screen. A balance must be struck here. As a parent, you must allow him to interact with the outside world, so you must be a mentor or educator in this respect. How does one deal with people, especially those who are objectively evil and have bad intent. Can he recognize "the Devil", stare him down, not fall under the influence, then walk away be a good person? One of your responsibilities.

Having said that, even at 58, being married, raised my own children, working nearly 40 years at one of the busiest, largest children's hospitals in the world, I do recognize and despise the bad behavior human beings can be guilty of. Children are often innocent victims of adults they should have been allowed to trust. I certainly have my own issues with neurotypical societies, and as much as I recognize the things I struggle with from an autism perspective, I am quite sure I do not want to be associated with neurotypicals. Don't throw me into that same category of "human being". I am not them. To me, in many ways they are quite "dysfunctional". So, I have to balance these two realities that there are things that I not only struggle with, I may not be able to do, and I may not be able to change about myself, but the same for them. I will never be able to change other people's attitudes or minds, the only thing I can do is accept what IS and navigate my world as best I can without it undermining my self-esteem, my zest for life, and any sense of contentment or thankfulness with what I have. In some respects, I will never have what they have, but I am quite aware of their deficits as compared to me. I know I can do things they cannot. I play to my strengths. I accept these differences and use them rather than becoming envious or jealous, bitter and frustrated, or worse angry and depressed.

 

[Rodafina]

he climbed to the top of the slide and was scared to come down and started to feel overwhelmed, so he got upset and was babbling words that I couldn't understand because of his speech delay. He finally decided to come down

Wow. What a great moment in an otherwise sad post.
Well done to your son for working through his fear and getting down the slide. I felt myself cheering for him as I read this part of your post.

Otherwise, I'm very sorry to read about your experience.

I think your experience highlights the need for parents to focus on building confidence and self esteem as they teach their children. This does not come from over abundant and empty praise, but from a slow and steady effort to recognize meaningful accomplishments and allow for opportunities to build on strengths and skills. In a harsh world where we cannot control others' behaviors, we must learn to be resilient, confident, and accepting of ourselves.

When you can, it may be worth it to stand up to some of these other parents and ask them how they could say such unkind things about a child - face-to-face they may be much less bold than hiding behind anonymity to spew cruel comments behind your back. I understand confrontation may be very difficult and it is not your job to educate the world and try to change these people, but it might feel empowering.

Lastly, I would just say to try the best you can to take care of yourself and surround yourself with understanding and loving people that can support you. I know you cannot have that every moment, but especially after an unpleasant experience, maybe you can find a friend or a loved one, who can listen and understand. It cannot feel nice to go through what you have described and addressing and working through your own emotions about it is very important for you and for your son as well.

 

[TBRS1]

The behavior of people described is inexcusable - because those people walk around imagining that they are good people, despite their actions.

I can not fix other people, but I can watch them and learn, and not be like that myself.

Lao Tzu wrote "What is a good man if not a bad man's teacher? What is a bad man if not a good man's job?"

Learn what not to do, and teach by example. It's the only real hope for a better society.

 

[thejuice]

Makes you wonder if they were deliberately talking within earshot. Cruel.

 

[Nervous Rex]

There will be people who do not want to understand your son and won't try.
There will be people who try to understand and fall short.
And there will be people who truly do understand.

- I paraphrased this from other posts I have seen on this site. Someone else here said it first and said it better than I have - maybe they can chime in and provide a better version of this. This has been very helpful for me.

Those people you encountered are of the first group. Yes, NTs do tend to expect normalcy and conformity, but not all of them treat anything outside the norm with such vitriol and hatred. That's their failing - please don't burden yourself by making it your problem. Their opinions only have as much power as you give them.

Focus instead on the worth you know that your son has to you and your family and friends. Learn that worth is intrinsic - it does not depend on abilities, achievements, milestones, or any outward performances. Individual worth cannot be set by others. You will have to have this down well enough to teach your son the same thing, someday, when he asks why others treat him differently.

Is there someone you can invite on a play date with your son who does accept him and play well with him? Sometimes one good example is enough to draw some positive behavior out of anyone from the second group, above.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I'm not a parent either but have been an autistic child. People seem to missread our every intention. People often will start out friendly and then just a couple sentences into a conversation get a deer in the headlights expression excuse themselves and try to avoid me ever after. I think I may have found out one of the things that bothers people a couple years ago. I was talking to someone and a red leaf on an otherwise green tree caught my eye. The woman demanded to know what I saw and was relieved when she was told. Apparently she thought the sudden gaze shift was due to hallucinations so now I realize that others probably frequently misinterpret my detail oriented vision combined with visual pattern recognition as being behavior from hallucinations simply because they do not even notice these details much less automatically laser in on them with their eyes.