Can it be?

[MUnruh]

My name is Matthew. I am a high functioning Aspire. Or at least I believe myself to be. I work full-time at a local law firm in the finance department. I've gone my whole life without a friend, without someone to share with. I'm now 32 years old.

A switch flipped in my brain the other day. Will I ever live a normal life? Will I ever experience the joys that give meaning to the lives of normal people? I'm talking about love. I'm talking about family.

I'm so inexperienced with everything in life. I hardly know how to function in public. I do well at my job but as soon as I leave I'm a mess. Is there any chance that I could find love? I don't know why but I yearn for it. I want to be close to someone who's worries and troubles I can devote myself to. I have so much to give, and no one knows it but me. When times get tough I have no one.

I try so hard, but at the end of the day I am always alone. I don't know how to get to a place where I am happy and have a normal life with a wife, with kids, with a dog and a house. But I am so determined to try. I refuse to die knowing that I never tried.

Anyone who has wise words, suggestions, or advice please let me know.

Best,

Matthew

 

[Neonatal RRT]

You know, I just posted this on another thread. It may apply here as well:

1. Have a purpose in life: Be responsible for something or someone,...a job, a family, a pet, plants,...whatever. If something or someone is likely to suffer in some way by your absence,...then it becomes your responsibility. No one is asking anyone to save the world here, but make the world a tiny bit better because of your contribution.

2. Have some goal in life: It could be a selfish one,...it doesn't have to revolve around people. It could be to make a million dollars, it could be to travel to 5 different continents, to run a marathon, finish an educational degree, restore a car or a house,...it could be anything that you can set your mind to, creates a bit of a personal challenge, and forces you to get up in the morning and make one more tiny step towards your goal.

I think many of us struggle with not meeting societal norms of having a spouse, a house, a car, 2 children,...yada, yada, yada,...it's all BS. Look,...you do you. Life is short. Be happy, for Pete's Sake! Stop dwelling on all the things that you can't seem to do, all the disappointments your family has of you, all the disappointments that you have of you,...screw that. Focus on what you CAN do,...you just might surprise yourself. Believe me when I say people don't think of you as much as you think they do,...so stop worrying about how other perceive you,...they don't care as much as you think they do.. That's a liberating thought. Stop worrying about other people.

Take care of yourself first.

Will you ever have a "normal" life? It's difficult to say what "normal" is,...as it is different in every culture. Having said that,...statistically speaking,...for most of us,...NO. Do I live a "normal" life? By some metrics,...YES,...by other metrics,...NO. If you're truly autistic,...you're neurodivergent as "F",...and that means no "normal" for you. Now, you can sink yourself into depression about it,...OR,...you can use it and make some meaningful,...or tiny contribution to this world and make it a better place because you were in it.

 

[3October2022]

I’m useless when it comes to giving people advice, but I’ll try my best.

If its friends you’re after, try joining a club, preferably related to your interests, you’ll be able to strike up conversations with people, and who knows maybe you’ll find your future significant other.

Another piece of advice would be to volunteer, this will help improve your social and communication skills ( sorry if that sounded patronising, not my intention)
You’ll be able to build relationships as people will admire you for doing good causes and as you’re sharing common interests , which will branch out opportunities to meet new people.

Hope this helps

 

[Aspychata]

Great life road map that @Neonatal RRT has presented. If we start with just one simple goal, how about just meeting somebody. Just be open to that. You may meet someone who says let's travel everywhere and skip kids, let's save up and open a restaurant in Maui. Just start with meeting someone, see if you are compatible, then start the journey. It may be retiring at age 45 and breeding thoroughbred dogs. Just start one step at a time. You don't have to follow norms, you may decide to stay single and travel around the world. You may meet someone on your travels. Just be open to doing new things.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I’m useless when it comes to giving people advice, but I’ll try my best.

If its friends you’re after, try joining a club, preferably related to your interests, you’ll be able to strike up conversations with people, and who knows maybe you’ll find your future significant other.

Another piece of advice would be to volunteer, this will help improve your social and communication skills ( sorry if that sounded patronising, not my intention)
You’ll be able to build relationships as people will admire you for doing good causes and as you’re sharing common interests , which will branch out opportunities to meet new people.

Hope this helps

+1,000 As you gain agency, having good boundaries and can advocate for yourself, including your happiness, so doing these things @3October2022 recommends, is rewarding. I met my spouse because of a Sierra Club trip (44 years ago) and have a group of good friends (37 years) all on outings: hiking, canoeing, bicycling, XC-skiing. I volunteer at the conservation district, and have made new friends in the local bike club.

 

[Richelle-H]

The key to what you seek is simple but difficult in practice. Relax and be yourself, then put yourself out there in environments that you can learn to relax in. If you cannot place yourself "on display" so to speak, then you are self-limiting your options. The social anxiety that you may feel in public can be blunted, but you have to work at it and not give up. I do know your feelings, but that's just it, those are self-inflicted and you have the power to change that, but that hurdle is a bar you have clear on your own. Surely you must have interests and clubs or groups based around those passions are where you are most likely to meet someone.

Relationships are difficult for everyone, as they are never static. They have a tendency to change over time, even in the beginning. Do not force yourself to conform to some expected norm. Relax and present yourself in your totality. Hiding your true self in some misguided attempt to attract someone will never be a successful tactic.

If you sink into the trap that you will never connect with anyone, you have already accepted your words of speculation. You can find someone but it is never quick or easy on the nerves. I was 37 before I met someone, and we are still together after 38 years (at least for right now, they are not on the spectrum and I am so while we are very good friends, it is an increasingly difficult relationship). Be confident and self-assured in your presentation and then have the perseverance to keep seeking.

Best of luck and think positive thoughts.

 

[Todd]

My name is Matthew. I am a high functioning Aspire. Or at least I believe myself to be. I work full-time at a local law firm in the finance department. I've gone my whole life without a friend, without someone to share with. I'm now 32 years old.

A switch flipped in my brain the other day. Will I ever live a normal life? Will I ever experience the joys that give meaning to the lives of normal people? I'm talking about love. I'm talking about family.

I'm so inexperienced with everything in life. I hardly know how to function in public. I do well at my job but as soon as I leave I'm a mess. Is there any chance that I could find love? I don't know why but I yearn for it. I want to be close to someone who's worries and troubles I can devote myself to. I have so much to give, and no one knows it but me. When times get tough I have no one.

I try so hard, but at the end of the day I am always alone. I don't know how to get to a place where I am happy and have a normal life with a wife, with kids, with a dog and a house. But I am so determined to try. I refuse to die knowing that I never tried.

Anyone who has wise words, suggestions, or advice please let me know.

Best,

Matthew

Can it be? Yes. Yes it can. Even when it seems impossible. There are so many here with good advice that I won't labour to add to it. I would simply ask () that you know the answer is yes.

 

[MUnruh]

Thank you all so much

 

[Matthias]

My name is Matthew. I am a high functioning Aspire. Or at least I believe myself to be. I work full-time at a local law firm in the finance department. I've gone my whole life without a friend, without someone to share with. I'm now 32 years old.

A switch flipped in my brain the other day. Will I ever live a normal life? Will I ever experience the joys that give meaning to the lives of normal people? I'm talking about love. I'm talking about family.

I'm so inexperienced with everything in life. I hardly know how to function in public. I do well at my job but as soon as I leave I'm a mess. Is there any chance that I could find love? I don't know why but I yearn for it. I want to be close to someone who's worries and troubles I can devote myself to. I have so much to give, and no one knows it but me. When times get tough I have no one.

I try so hard, but at the end of the day I am always alone. I don't know how to get to a place where I am happy and have a normal life with a wife, with kids, with a dog and a house. But I am so determined to try. I refuse to die knowing that I never tried.

Anyone who has wise words, suggestions, or advice please let me know.

Best,

Matthew

You say you try very hard. It would help to know what you tried and what were the results. For example - How many hours do you spend each day socializing and how do people react when you talk to them? What do you usually discuss with your co-workers and other acquaintances? What clubs or groups have you joined and what did people there think of you? What did your family and co-workers say when you asked them for advice? How many self-help books do you read each week? How many counselors or therapists have you seen? 10? 15? 25? Only 5 or less? How many life coaches have you consulted? How many dating sites have you tried? How many women have you dated? No friends when you were child, were you in a coma your entire childhood or did your parents totally neglect you? If your parents never helped you find friends, that's severe emotional neglect and there are books on childhood emotional neglect that can help. If you're determined, there is plenty you can do to help accomplish the goals you mentioned if you're willing to make the effort.

 

[Fino]

Online dating, including apps!

 

[MUnruh]

You say you try very hard. It would help to know what you tried and what were the results. For example - How many hours do you spend each day socializing and how do people react when you talk to them? What do you usually discuss with your co-workers and other acquaintances? What clubs or groups have you joined and what did people there think of you? What did your family and co-workers say when you asked them for advice? How many self-help books do you read each week? How many counselors or therapists have you seen? 10? 15? 25? Only 5 or less? How many life coaches have you consulted? How many dating sites have you tried? How many women have you dated? No friends when you were child, were you in a coma your entire childhood or did your parents totally neglect you? If your parents never helped you find friends, that's severe emotional neglect and there are books on childhood emotional neglect that can help. If you're determined, there is plenty you can do to help accomplish the goals you mentioned if you're willing to make the effort.

Wow. I don't see a therapist currently but have in the past. I don't belong to any clubs or social groups because I am very socially awkward and don't even know what to say and how to connect/relate to others. The other big issue that has plauged me my whole life is that I have no interests. Believe me, I know how unbelievable that sounds but it's true. So no hobbies. I do plan to use the dating apps once I lose more weight and am not embarrassed of myself. I've lost 28 pounds so far by counting calories and using a treadmill I bought. Your post, honestly, is a bit overwhelming, because doing all that would be A LOT for me. I will look into Therapy, but I have little hope that I could do all that social stuff because I shut down completely and start to disassociate in groups larger than 3. It's a struggle. Is there any way around the group social stuff?

 

[Matthias]

Wow. I don't see a therapist currently but have in the past. I don't belong to any clubs or social groups because I am very socially awkward and don't even know what to say and how to connect/relate to others. The other big issue that has plauged me my whole life is that I have no interests. Believe me, I know how unbelievable that sounds but it's true. So no hobbies. I do plan to use the dating apps once I lose more weight and am not embarrassed of myself. I've lost 28 pounds so far by counting calories and using a treadmill I bought. Your post, honestly, is a bit overwhelming, because doing all that would be A LOT for me. I will look into Therapy, but I have little hope that I could do all that social stuff because I shut down completely and start to disassociate in groups larger than 3. It's a struggle. Is there any way around the group social stuff?

I got a bit carried away when I responded. It's probably because I've heard people emphasize making a great effort and when I asked what they did they were like "I saw one therapist 20 years ago and it didn't work so I gave up. I dated 1 person who didn't like me so I concluded there aren't any women who like me and never dated again. I introduced myself to 3 people who didn't like me so I concluded no one likes me." I was thinking, "That's it? You barely tried." I don't blame anyone since I used to be like that. More experience with people made me realize my conclusions were incorrect. I regret not doing more earlier in life and want to help people avoid making the same mistake I did.

The two things that helped me the most that I think would also help you are:
1. Learning about emotions
2. Spending more time around people

If you feel like people don't like you or think you're weird, it will cause you to experience emotions that create stress that will make you more socially awkward. These emotions will intensify when you're around more people. If you're like I was, you shut down and disassociate in groups larger than 3 because you're overwhelmed by the intense emotions you're experiencing although you may not be aware of your emotions if you've avoided your emotions for most of your life.

Your beliefs, thoughts, and experiences influence the emotions you experience. Therefore, you can improve the emotions you experience around people by thinking more positively and having more positive experiences with people which can make you less socially awkward. Socializing is difficult if you don't have much in common with people because you'll often end up feeling like you don't belong. However, you can still connect with people in other ways. You can find a local group for autistic people where you'd have autism in common or find activities you can do with people that don't involve much talking. You don't need to have any hobbies or interests since you can grow to like activities you don't like now over time if you have positive experiences with them.

 

[Hypnalis]

I have a few things to add to the valuable advice about participating in activities that involve information relationships with other people.

1. It's very likely you'll need to improve your social skills along the way to your life objective

2. Activities like hiking are excellent for Aspies because don't require much in the way of social skills, but abound with situations where you naturally exchange a few words with other people.
BTW this category includes activities that aren't based on outdoor physical activities.

3. When you select shared activities, consider the social benefits first, and "interesting enough to be enjoyable" next. For example chess clubs are interesting for some, but don't support your objective well. Ideally you'd prefer something with a reasonable M/F split, that's introvert-friendly, but not numerically dominated by introverts.

4. NT's can be taught social skills - for example if they move to a very different society (check youtube for clips on the theme of "Moving to Japan". AFAIK there are no schools to teach Aspies to interact with NT's in their home countries, which is a shame IMO ...
... but on the plus side: Aspies can definitely improve their social skills, through neutral interactions with NTs, self-improvement based on experience, and practice.

Here's a link to a video I hope you will find interesting.
It's about learning skills to expert level, rather than communication skills, but IMO still useful.
Watch the bit about the nature of "Deliberate Practice" twice.

Verisatium: The four things it takes to be an expert:

IMO it doesn't take 10 000 hours for an Aspie to learn to get by in the NT world, but I think it's well over 1000 hours. It can be done in small steps though, and every lesson learned makes the next one a little easier.

 

[GypsyMoth]

Hi Matthew,

I think we 'get' that social groups are awkward. I know I wouldn't go on my own unless I had a huge incentive to go. So, do you have any buddies or even a neighbor or a relative who is involved in some club? Maybe a church group, a hiking club, a collectible car club? Ask if you can tag along. That way, not only are you not alone in going, but you can ask your buddy ahead of time to help you navigate the social scene. Let them do the talking for you:

Club member: "so, you're Ralph's friend!"
You, "yah, I'm Ralph's friend."
Ralph, "Listen, let me tell you about Matt, he's..."

It's easier to meet women if you're known to their friends, so if you make friends in a social group and they like you and see that you're a good guy, they'll be more likely to introduce you to their single women friends. Now, that's not a slam dunk. When my husband's family learned that this guy they were friends with was divorced, they hooked him up with my husband's sister. The family sort of decided they didn't want him to get away and they've been married now for over 15 years.

Just a woman's perspective here, I wouldn't worry about reading self-help books or books on psychology or anything like that. I would, though, if I were you, find a female relative who would be willing to show me how I might want to conduct myself on a date, how to dress for a date, what's proper these days for who pays on a date (I have no clue), how to dance, how to enjoy small talk, how to look like you're enjoying small talk. That sort of thing. (Just, don't forget she's your relative.) Then see if she has any single girlfriends that might want to come along and the three of you go somewhere casual, like to the mall and go window shopping and have a nice meal at Applebee's or something. It's not a date--don't sell it as a date--and be clear you're just wanting to learn how to get along with women a little better. Women love having guys come along on a girls' outing. it shows them you're interested in them as people and that you value what they're interested in.

These are the same skills you're going to need when you finally find Ms. Right. You never know. Your sister's friend might have a friend who has a friend who has a friend who's divorced with three kids. (Oh, you might want to think about how you are with kids. Single women in their 30s usually come with kids. Kids are cool, though. They see right through adults, so if they decide you're a keeper, their mom will pick up on it and show more interest in you.)

Anyway, that's a lot to work on. Let us know how it goes -- I hope you find Ms. Right!

 

[Todd]

Wow. I don't see a therapist currently but have in the past. I don't belong to any clubs or social groups because I am very socially awkward and don't even know what to say and how to connect/relate to others. The other big issue that has plauged me my whole life is that I have no interests. Believe me, I know how unbelievable that sounds but it's true. So no hobbies. I do plan to use the dating apps once I lose more weight and am not embarrassed of myself. I've lost 28 pounds so far by counting calories and using a treadmill I bought. Your post, honestly, is a bit overwhelming, because doing all that would be A LOT for me. I will look into Therapy, but I have little hope that I could do all that social stuff because I shut down completely and start to disassociate in groups larger than 3. It's a struggle. Is there any way around the group social stuff?

That was a little overwhelming, but we're all different.......... There are alot of fleeting friendships in this world, Aspie or not. I think if a person can call four people throughout there lives a genuine friend then that person is lucky. 3 people to socialise with is plenty. Plus you've made the effort to find this site - we can socialise here anytime you like. We all need a good vent sometimes....