Can things improve?

[LittleFiddle05]

It took me the longest time to ask for help. For me, asking for help was something others could do, but I should never do; my brother always had far worse issues than me (I'm extremely functional, my parents still won't believe I'm an Aspie despite a diagnosis), so for me, to so much as suggest that I was struggling with anything felt selfish and unacceptable. I didn't even admit to the one close friend I had when I was self harming, let alone go to anyone for help with the bigger issues. Then, when I got to university, I hit enough of a low that I went to the counseling center; I told them how I wasn't leaving my bed except to go to class or work, how if my roommates had too many guests in the suite (we each had single bedrooms within a 4-person suite) I would be paralyzed shaking and crying even with a door between us; the counselor, rather than offering any guidance, told me that everything would get better if I just made some friends, then showed me to the door. There was no room for help for someone who got good grades, who was a full-time student with a job, who was, on paper, successful.

Maybe because it took so long for me to have the opportunity to get help, I developed this expectation that if I could just be acknowledged, things would start to get better. After giving up for a year, last November I was convinced by a new friend (who happened to recognize the Aspie in me, he's also on the spectrum) to try again. For months, everything went wrong: no psychologist wanted to see me over winter break as I'd be leaving again for the spring semester; one psychologist acknowledged that I needed help for some things, but said I couldn't be an Aspie because I seemed to have cared about friends I'd had and because I love my boyfriend; she referred me to another psychologist, who turned out not to be covered by my insurance - which I only found out after 4 not-very-helpful sessions when I called my insurance for a 3rd time to confirm that everything was all set and someone finally actually looked at my plan and realized that oops! I'm not covered at ALL in DC, where I go to school. Finally, I wound up back in Massachusetts and started seeing a psychologist who gave me the Asperger's diagnosis. Great, right?

But, here's the thing: it's not magical, it's not like when you go to a doctor and they give you an antibiotic and everything's better. I thought there would be such a relief from just knowing that I had a reason to be the way I am, an explanation that would prove that I'm not just a ****up. And there was, for a moment... but then came the realization that I am the way I am, and that's not going to just go away. At first I watched youtube videos by Aspies, videos describing friendships and participation in sports teams and summers spent at summer camps; rather than feeling inspired, I found myself crying, because even just seeing pictures of them surrounded by people was so draining and exhausting and overwhelming. And I realized, I've been wishing and wishing that things would get better, but there's no such thing as better for me; there's what would look "better" on paper, what would sound better to neurotypicals... but I honestly don't think there's a better where I could be happy or relaxed. As I am, I want friends desperately, but there's so much anxiety connected with interactions that it's just unpleasant and draining; if I made friends, I would face that exhaustion, but if I didn't, I would face the emptiness.

Essentially, I'm hoping some of you can share experiences where things did get better. I've already encountered some such posts here, but I would really like to hear more, to have some hope. Honestly, the week and three days since the beginning of my diagnosis have been some of the worst I've had, primarily because of the repeated realization that having an explanation doesn't mean having a solution. In past, I'd self harmed only rarely, and in the form of bruises; right now, my chest is covered in slices anywhere that a bikini could cover. I've hardly gotten out of bed, I've maybe eaten a meal per day. Some of this is consistent with the reasons I went to a psychologist in the first place, but some of it is me sinking into hopelessness. I don't want to keep living with the goal to just make it one more week; I don't want to be in this constant conflict of not wanting to be alone, but not being able to handle being around people. And it doesn't help that over the last four years, I've gradually lost interest in every passion or "special interest" that I've had; then, less than a week ago the one friend I'd had, who had become so important to me that I was viewing him almost similarly to how one would view a special interest (near-constant contact, etc) and who had been my "I'll give it one last shot" as far as friendships go, decided that he wants to distance himself - which is totally fair, but I'm now without passion, and I'm losing the friend with whom I was closest. I'm rambling, I'm sorry, but I suppose my point is... I need hope. And if anyone here has found that things COULD get better, I would really love to hear about your experiences.

 

[Ereth]

Your story could easily be mine. My parents and brother struggled with it at first . . . and honestly, my father and brother still do. My brother has sometimes said that I'm using my ASD as an excuse for my reclusiveness, but he doesn't really understand. It's not like my cerebral palsy, which has been obvious to him from day one and has led him to help me and defend me in various situations (generally in school). He's gotten a bit better, though.

My father's journey to acceptance has been slow because he comes from a generation that grew up largely unable to recognize various issues, or that refused to recognize them. He reacted the same way when I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager, but he's much better about it now, so I have hope that he'll come around again.

One piece of advice I have for you is: learn to pick your battles. You can't expect people to get it right away, as frustrating as that is, so don't get confrontational if at all possible. Keep communication positive so you can make this a learning experience for your family.

 

[LittleFiddle05]

Your story could easily be mine. My parents and brother struggled with it at first . . . and honestly, my father and brother still do. My brother has sometimes said that I'm using my ASD as an excuse for my reclusiveness, but he doesn't really understand. It's not like my cerebral palsy, which has been obvious to him from day one and has led him to help me and defend me in various situations (generally in school). He's gotten a bit better, though.

My father's journey to acceptance has been slow because he comes from a generation that grew up largely unable to recognize various issues, or that refused to recognize them. He reacted the same way when I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager, but he's much better about it now, so I have hope that he'll come around again.

One piece of advice I have for you is: learn to pick your battles. You can't expect people to get it right away, as frustrating as that is, so don't get confrontational if at all possible. Keep communication positive so you can make this a learning experience for your family.

I'm sorry that you've had to go through the same... I honestly have pretty much figured out I can't talk about it where my dad can hear or he gets angry, and if I talk about it with my mom she tries to hide that she's doubtful but then she'll remind me not to "change my memories" to fit the diagnosis. It's overwhelming, finally knowing I have a right to struggle with the things I struggle with but having everyone dismiss that explanation and expect me to be perfectly fine. I hope your father and brother come around...

 

[Ereth]

They've made significant progress. I'm sure your family can do the same with a little time and patience.

 

[Vanilla]

Hey

You sound like I did not so many years ago. It feels like you're lost and alone in the dark, trying to find the light switch for years.

If you'd like some encouragement, I've read that for many Aspies, life gets better with age (like cheese). Women with AS supposedly reach their peak in their late 20s to early 30s. The reason for this seems to be that this is the age that many of them have had their diagnoses, and have had time to adjust to it, and the new world around them. It does require that you do some soul searching though; which it appears you've started, by coming here.

What you may one day learn to discover, is that yes, the world has not changed, but how you perceive the world can, as your perception of yourself has changed. This can make all the difference. You may one day realise that the world is not so black and white anymore; it's all shades of grey, and you're free to shape your own world as you please. You don't have to follow every social convention. You can decide how the correct way to live your life will be for you.

This isn't just for the big things, even little things. For me, I've learned how to listen to my body, how to calm myself down, how to ensure I get things done, and how to reward myself for keeping on track. It's important to listen to what your own body tells you, as we can sometimes listen to the advice of people who don't always know the answer; or as you mentioned above, don't really care to dig deep enough. When we do this, we essentially ignore our body, and it's calls for help. The more you focus on you, and your needs, the better you will start to feel.

I hope you find yourself soon enough. You're on the right track so far. Venting is a healthy way to begin the healing process

 

[Aspieistj]

LittleFiddle05,

I have pretty severe depression and that was diagnosed in my late 30s. Testing positive on an online Aspie test didn't come until my 60s. I believe being as Aspie and being mistreated because of that has contributed greatly to my depression. Much of what you are feeling sounds to me to be depression. I have taken Prozac for years and it does help me. Quite a while ago, while I was working, my insurance covered a counselor and I was fortunate to find a great one. She helped me a great deal to realize why I was in so much pain but neither of us recognized my Aspie condition. How I wish I could afford to see a counselor now but I am retired and don't think I could get Medicare to pay for any help without a professional diagnosis of AS. I don't crave or seek friends because I am so uncomfortable when I am with people worrying about acting like an Aspie. I feel safer alone with my rescued pets for company. I hope you find a way to get help.

 

[LittleFiddle05]

LittleFiddle05,

I have pretty severe depression and that was diagnosed in my late 30s. Testing positive on an online Aspie test didn't come until my 60s. I believe being as Aspie and being mistreated because of that has contributed greatly to my depression. Much of what you are feeling sounds to me to be depression. I have taken Prozac for years and it does help me. Quite a while ago, while I was working, my insurance covered a counselor and I was fortunate to find a great one. She helped me a great deal to realize why I was in so much pain but neither of us recognized my Aspie condition. How I wish I could afford to see a counselor now but I am retired and don't think I could get Medicare to pay for any help without a professional diagnosis of AS. I don't crave or seek friends because I am so uncomfortable when I am with people worrying about acting like an Aspie. I feel safer alone with my rescued pets for company. I hope you find a way to get help.

Thank you for your response. My psychologist did say that she thinks the Asperger's has resulted in a cycle of anxiety and depression, though she hasn't suggested medicating at this point. The disappointing thing is, even if she did I know my parents wouldn't support the idea; they're very against psychiatric medication in people who are as functional as I have been, and even me seeing a psychologist is something they think should be over and done with after a handful of sessions. They're being relatively supportive based on circumstances (almost 5 weeks ago I was there when university police opened my roommate's door, revealing her hanging from her closet), but every time I go to a session my mom's first question afterwards is whether they've tried to put me on meds. When I told her about the Asperger's diagnosis, her first question was whether it was something they would want to medicate. When I say I really like this psychologist, she says she'll like her as long as medication doesn't become a topic of discussion. I'm 20 years old, so I could make the choice for myself, but as I'm dependent on my parents during the summers and am not covered by insurance in DC where I go to school, it would be difficult for me to take any measures to see a psychiatrist without my parents knowing. I'm trying to believe things can get better even without that, but even if medication were an option I don't know how hopeful I'd manage to be...I hope I can get there someday, though, and I'm glad you've at least had some opportunity for help.

 

[Arashi222]

Hey,
Look we all go through times where it seems like nothing will get better. Part of it is the acceptance that we are different and that will not change. Learning to deal with and cope with being different is what has to happen. Some of us crave more relationships than others some prefer to be alone. Some prefer a between state. With maybe one or two close friends. The issue is with a lot of females doctors still look at the male model of Autism. They dont' see the quiet almost isolated 'shy' girl as being on the spectrum. Girls get the short end of hte stick if you haven't noticed yet. It took years for me to get diagnosed I was told I was depressed in high school and was sent to counseling to make friends (girls at the time were not on the spectrum). I didn't get diagnosed until my masters degree when I was in my late twenties. i have found that for some people accepting your self brings more confidence and therefore what people think of you doesn't matter as much.

If you ever wanna talk my PM door is always open dear.

 

[Judge]

It's difficult to be surrounded by a majority Neurotypical world and not attempt by default to emulate them. As Arashi says, accept being an Aspie. Don't try to be what you aren't and can never really be. I tried for well over 50 years, not even knowing that was what I was trying to do- be someone I wasn't. The stress has been debilitating. But I feel now like I'm rebuilding my life in a way that gives me peace of mind on a daily basis I really never had in the past.

In the course of discovering who and what I am in the last year, I feel empowered in a way I never did before. I know what makes me tick. I know now that getting a job that demands extensive socialization is not in my best interest. I know that quality of friendship is enormously more important than the number of friends I might have. I choose to limit my exposure to Neurotypicals in as much as is practical. And not to be concerned if those friends in my orbit amount to only a very few. And after a series of failures in relationships with Neurotypical females, I know if I were to reach out to someone again, I would prefer them to be Aspies.

I'm not suggesting you follow my regimen, only that you establish your own out of your self-awareness of who and what you are. As Arashi said, we don't necessarily take the same path. But the point is to make decisions in harmony with your autism, rather than fight it.

I'm only beginning myself, but I do honestly think things can improve at least relative to my autism. It's just a distinction of being different- not deficient.

 

[wyverary]

They're being relatively supportive based on circumstances (almost 5 weeks ago I was there when university police opened my roommate's door, revealing her hanging from her closet), but every time I go to a session my mom's first question afterwards is whether they've tried to put me on meds. When I told her about the Asperger's diagnosis, her first question was whether it was something they would want to medicate. When I say I really like this psychologist, she says she'll like her as long as medication doesn't become a topic of discussion.

That doesn't sound like "supportive" to me at all. I've encountered plenty of people before (even here on this site) who are so vehemently opposed to medication...they just fail to realize that sometimes medication is, if not the COMPLETE answer, at least PART OF the answer. Insisting that one be completely free of psychiatric medications for any circumstances is in outright denial of the established science. I don't know how to advise you there, other than to tread carefully. Recognize that, if they hold that attitude, they might not be there for you when you need it most.

But I hope you realize that you can talk to any of us at any time; plenty of us have been through what you are going through. It can be overcome. Things DO get better (trust me on this one; I've been through some serious hell in the last decade or so).

Hugs.
wyv

 

[Tarragon]

Yes, things can and do improve. This diagnosis is a blessing because it finally explains why we are they way we are. No, it doesn't fix everything for us. The real change isn't from the outside world changing, or us being able to fit in the way we perceive we should. The real change happens when we change ourselves from within. Change the way we think we should be. Change the expectations we have put on ourselves about who we should be. There is no should about it. We are who we are when we stop trying to be what we are not.

Ok, that's my ten years of searching summed up in a nutshell! Saves on therapy costs! It isn't cliche, it really is a journey you can take. Everyone is different, but I reckon it's a common path we've all experienced as aspies.

You'll have to forgive me sounding a bit philosophical - it's the Taoist in me!