Can you really listen to people?

[epath13]

Just a quick question. I mentioned this in a different post. My new therapist suggested an exercise on listening, because, like many people, instead of listening to what people say I listen to my own voice in my head. And also I must look at people and pay attention to what they do. Seems pretty innocent, but it made me realize that I rarely listen to people. I hear random words and phrases but entire conversations are often lost. I also misinterpret human reactions quite often because, I think I might look at a person 10% of the time I spend with him or her. I also noticed that listening and looking at people gives me headaches and makes me somewhat nauseas but that will probably go away with practice

Are you a good listener? Can you pay attention to what people say?

 

[LittlePuff]

I'm not either. Print is better for me. I can re-read.

 

[Animal_Girl]

I've been told I am a good listener. A lot of people like to talk to me when they need to talk. As long as I find what they say interesting I can listen very closely, although sometimes it may not look like I am listening because I need something to do with my hands.

Sometimes, when my anxiety is high or I am frustrated, listening quietly to one of my friends speak and tell stories can calm me down and make me feel more at peace. Unfortunately, I've only met two people who are able to speak to me in that way and understand what they are doing.

 

[King_Oni]

As long as people aren't willing to communicate in the most effective way by talking; meaning... get your point across in 2 sentences or less, I'm probably not a good listener. I'm to impatient to let them finish stories. Besides that; I rather read what they want, that's more clear to me.

I always feel it's a bit like taking notes or using a bit neon marker to highlight text, when I have information on paper or an email. I can't do that when talking to someone, and I feel that quite often even stuff like grammar obscures communicating effective goals in speech. I don't care where someone went as an anekdote, I care about what that person wants.

I think there is a slight difference to me when someone wants to tell a story or if someone actually needs something done. If you need something, please, line up facts, preferably numbered or with "bullets" like a listing instead of using the concept of "storytelling". Also add in that a single grammar mistake in speech will tick me off more and wants me to go "Grrrrrr" and smack you in the face and stop listening to you. Yes, it might be a tad elitist, but if someone wants me to listen, at least make sure you got your **** together.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I find it boring to listen to long speeches so to speak. My attention span isn't long enough. Its hard to speak to another person and focus on them because my brain is so used to wandering off. I find it very hard focus at anything long term unless its something I'm really interested in. Getting through uni was always something I was surprised at because unless I know why we need to learn something or it interests me studying is a painful experience and listening to lecturers is difficult.

 

[Pella]

I find it really hard to concentrate on what people are saying, if it isn't interesting to me, even sometimes when it is. And the more I try to listen the harder it seems. Sometimes I listen and i hear the words, but its like i can't put the different words together. Also, its hard for me not to think about what I am gonna say when it is my turn.

 

[wyverary]

Listening is usually the one thing I am good at when it comes to social situations. I can't make small talk, so listening to people's stories or interests is the one way I feel I can understand them and have a little connection (even if it's not mutual).

 

[Soup]

It depends: I can really listen intently to some people IF what they say is interesting to me & if what they're saying is well put together, logical & sequential. I can't listen to people who just want to kvetch about some problem (real, imagined or exaggerated) BUT not look for solutions or strategies for constructively mitigating the problem. Now, I know some problems (like the death of a child) cannot be fixed or mitigated in any way. People in this kind of position are in deep shock & mourning. I can listen to them go on-but only for so long since all the emotional stuff is kind of lost on me & I have a hard time remembering how to suitably arrange my face in order to appear to convey the correct response.

I do listen well to other Aspies (like here) & Auties. I'll slog through marathon-length posts, often twice, in order to be certain I've understood what was being said.

I relate to what Pella said: sometimes, I just can't concentrate on what someone is saying when they're speaking to me. I'll hear the words, but it sounds like one long garble of syllables & grunts. Sometimes, some other aspects of the person are so distracting that they become all I can think about. While they're talking, my mind will be marvelling about how they can stand wearing an obviously itchy sweater against their bare skin or why they don't clean their teeth or why they don't wax, laser or tweeze their moustache.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

It depends: I can really listen intently to some people IF what they say is interesting to me & if what they're saying is well put together, logical & sequential. I can't listen to people who just want to kvetch about some problem (real, imagined or exaggerated) BUT not look for solutions or strategies for constructively mitigating the problem. Now, I know some problems (like the death of a child) cannot be fixed or mitigated in any way. People in this kind of position are in deep shock & mourning. I can listen to them go on-but only for so long since all the emotional stuff is kind of lost on me & I have a hard time remembering how to suitably arrange my face in order to appear to convey the correct response.

I know what you mean about the correct response!! I find I'm good at filling in the blanks and reacting how someone wants me to react from the tone of the conversation which is good because I can find it very hard to follow what is being said.

wynerary ... I hate small talk because I find it pointless and if I find something pointless I tend to avoid it or not do it ... Which I believe is an aspie's trait lol

 

[epath13]

Ok, I think maybe it's time for me to say something so I've been doing this exercise and thought filling my mind with other people thoughts is exhausting and pointless but then I realized that I was missing the point. The exercise only taught me to pay attention, but paying attention is not why people have conversations, discuss things, complain or share duh anyway... It's about connecting to one another. When you listen and pay attention to what a person is saying, you sort of make them feel important. And most, if not all, of us want to feel important and valuable. It's sort of like you "donating" your love to them, or if you don't like "love"... I don't know... Attention (emotional one). If what a person says is not interesting but a person who speaks is somehow close to you, you could always try to see what you can learn from those words, maybe something can inspire you, something can make you think etc... Yes, there're lots of angry, depressed, jealous people out there (you name it) who might have spoiled you day on occasion but at the same time some people might give you their attention whether they're interested in what you're saying or not, so it's only fair to pass it on.