Can your partner help during a meltdown?

[Bolletje]

I'm curious about this. My boyfriend is often anxious to help me out when I'm experiencing a meltdown, and I saw @RiverSong post in another topic about her boyfriend wanting to help during a meltdown as well.

For me, personally, when I experience a meltdown I cry, I hyperventilate and my muscles are incredibly tense. I usually curl up into a ball in a corner. I generally have trouble speaking and do not want to be touched, because that just aggravates everything.

My boyfriend is an incredibly kind and caring person and he obviously hates seeing me this way. He is, however, at a loss of how to help me. He tries very hard though, but it's frustrating for both of us when it doesn't help. He asks me questions which I can't respond to (because I can hardly think), he tries to hug me and I tense up, shake him off, or even worse, I yell at him not to touch me, which hurts his feelings.

My boyfriend's presence usually calms me down, so I think the best thing for him to do might be just to sit next to me quietly, with an outstretched hand for me to grab if I feel like it. I haven't tested this theory out yet though, as my meltdowns tend to be infrequent (thankfully).

So, back to my curiosity: What does your partner (if you have one) do when you have a meltdown? What would you want them to do, ideally? Any sage words to share?

 

[Suzanne]

Yes, my husband can help, but cannot get his head around it and so, exhubriates the issue.

I NEED to be completely alone. But he insists on trying to talk reason to me, which gets me blocking my ears and humming, to drown out his voice. Sadly, he has been the cause of my meltdowns, but it is getting better between us of late.

 

[Gracey]

I'm curious about this. My boyfriend is often anxious to help me out when I'm experiencing a meltdown, and I saw @RiverSong post in another topic about her boyfriend wanting to help during a meltdown as well.

For me, personally, when I experience a meltdown I cry, I hyperventilate and my muscles are incredibly tense. I usually curl up into a ball in a corner. I generally have trouble speaking and do not want to be touched, because that just aggravates everything.

My boyfriend is an incredibly kind and caring person and he obviously hates seeing me this way. He is, however, at a loss of how to help me. He tries very hard though, but it's frustrating for both of us when it doesn't help. He asks me questions which I can't respond to (because I can hardly think), he tries to hug me and I tense up, shake him off, or even worse, I yell at him not to touch me, which hurts his feelings.

My boyfriend's presence usually calms me down, so I think the best thing for him to do might be just to sit next to me quietly, with an outstretched hand for me to grab if I feel like it. I haven't tested this theory out yet though, as my meltdowns tend to be infrequent (thankfully).

So, back to my curiosity: What does your partner (if you have one) do when you have a meltdown? What would you want them to do, ideally? Any sage words to share?

Not sage, just personal experiences
The best thing my husband has done over almost thirty years is let the storm fizzle out before anything else.
I can't articulate what I feel or want to happen. Asking me questions is a pointless exercise (and irritating)

I know he's always there, that in itself is a comfort. Patience, understanding and space works for me.

 

[Starfire]

Like the other contributors I need to be left alone until it has run its course. There is no point talking to, trying to reason with me or touching/hugging etc as that will all exasperate things and make me very claustrophobic too. I can get very aggravated so the best course of action is as my wife has learned, stay clear and leave me be in a room by myself until I emerge calm.

My wife was very offended in the beginning when we first got together and took it personally. Thankfully she is now quite businesslike about things, and understands that it is a process which she can help by giving me solitude when she senses it beginning, or she can prolong and intensify it by trying to force talking or offer comfort which is not required, wanted or appreciated.

I realise people's NT partners not understanding how to react and wanting to 'help', but it can take them quite a while to understand helping can mean doing nothing other than offer space and solitude and staying away for a time.

 

[Chance]

Like the other contributors I need to be left alone until it has run its course. There is no point talking to, trying to reason with me or touching/hugging etc as that will all exasperate things and make me very claustrophobic too. I can get very aggravated so the best course of action is as my wife has learned, stay clear and leave me be in a room by myself until I emerge calm.

My wife was very offended in the beginning when we first got together and took it personally. Thankfully she is now quite businesslike about things, and understands that it is a process which she can help by giving me solitude when she senses it beginning, or she can prolong and intensify it by trying to force talking or offer comfort which is not required, wanted or appreciated.

I realise people's NT partners not understanding how to react and wanting to 'help', but it can take them quite a while to understand helping can mean doing nothing other than offer space and solitude and staying away for a time.

My future ex-wife needed to take some lessons from your wife... She refuses to leave me alone, she gets extremely angry with me for shutting down. This causes things to be way, way worse then they ever would be if she would just give me some time and space to think.

Its all I ever really asked for, and that was too much to ask it seems. I have never been in any situation that I couldn't think my way out of (sometimes brilliantly) except my wife. She makes it impossible to think and has to make my shutdown be about how I make her life suck so bad...

Well she is now realizing what she is losing... But such is life. At some point even stupid guys like me, notice there is no point to expect a change when I have tried as hard as I can for way too long.
But its all good... and its gonna be okay someday...

The crazy part is when you get rid of the very problem that causes the big shutdowns - the normal shutdowns are suddenly not such a big thing anymore. Sure I still have them, sort of had one yesterday... But it was short lived. I looked at my options, I got over myself, I went and did what I didn't want to do... and at the end of the day, my problem was fixed. : )

It seems if people would just back off and leave us alone... We can do anything anyone else can and maybe more, depending on our skill sets and attitude.

 

[Mathalamus]

i am one of the odd people who prefers not to be alone in a meltdown. still, people suck at helping correctly, so i generally restrict everyone except those i deem smart enough to help effectively.

 

[Mia]

I've seen my spouse shut-down many times. It was usually after returning from work, where something occurred that he didn't react to, and delayed it until it happened in private.

He becomes mute and blank and heads for his cave and remains there in the dark. He has migraines, and sits there grey faced watching his favourite musicians and stimming and twitching.

I leave him alone and usually begin cooking, his favourite childhood meals. Which I leave on the table in the kitchen, we don't talk. The smell of red meat cooking, or spaghetti or cinnamon buns brings him out of his cave-like refuge for a little while. He'll eat furtively, standing in front of the sink and then go back to his refuge. When I hear the shower, I know the meltdown is over. Usually I keep things quiet, and wait for him to talk about it afterwards, or not, it's sometimes a day or two later. Since he's retired, there have not been any major ones.

When I have a meltdown, I become forgetful. Everyday life is forgotten. Usually I become mute, and sleep. Sometimes I'll wander around walking by myself for hours. Leaving me alone and at the same time being supportive is what my spouse does.

He's followed me at a distance when I've gone on the walks, as at times I've fallen down and gotten up and not noticed I'm bleeding or hurt. That's when he intervenes and holds my hand and brings me home. He'll clean the cuts and put bandages on them, and make me tea or coffee. Simply be there, in the same room.

 

[kay]

@Mathalamus , I prefer not to be alone during a meltdown either. At least I do want my boyfriend around. What are your meltdowns like? Is there an element of fear, impending doom, terror? When I have a meltdown I tend to feel really scared, kinda like being trapped in a box and being hurled off into a ravine or something. Well, that's sorta a pretty poor description but best I can do right now. I prefer my boyfriend stick around and actually hug me until I am calmer, then bring me a cup of tea, get me to crawl under my weighted blanket, turn the lights out, pull the curtains, make sure I have some white noise, and then let me rest for awhile. My boyfriend is a good hugger, though. Not a gentle patting of my back or something like I've had other people try. Really good, solid, hug.

 

[Chance]

I've seen my spouse shut-down many times. It was usually after returning from work, where something occurred that he didn't react to, and delayed it until it happened in private.

He becomes mute and blank and heads for his cave and remains there in the dark. He has migraines, and sits there grey faced watching his favourite musicians and stimming and twitching.

I leave him alone and usually begin cooking, his favourite childhood meals. Which I leave on the table in the kitchen, we don't talk. The smell of red meat cooking, or spaghetti or cinnamon buns brings him out of his cave-like refuge for a little while. He'll eat furtively, standing in front of the sink and then go back to his refuge. When I hear the shower, I know the meltdown is over. Usually I keep things quiet, and wait for him to talk about it afterwards, it's sometimes a day or two later. Since he's retired, there have been very few.

When I have a meltdown, I become forgetful. Everyday life is forgotten. Usually I become mute, and sleep. Sometimes I'll wander around walking by myself for hours. Leaving me alone and at the same time being supportive is what my spouse does.

He's followed me at a distance when I've gone on the walks, as at times I've fallen down and gotten up and not noticed I'm bleeding or hurt. That's when he intervenes and holds my hand and brings me home. He'll clean the cuts and put bandages on them, and make me tea or coffee. Simply be there, in the same room.

That is so unthinkably cool that you two treat each other with that level of respect... You show me that good people do still exist...

And BTW- your husband holding off a shutdown... I can barely do this, sometimes I cant do this... its like sufficating - I hope he doesnt have to do that very often. Geez that is the most horrible kind of shutdown I know of...

 

[Mia]

I hope he doesnt have to do that very often. Geez that is the most horrible kind of shutdown I know of...

He used to have lots of them, when his job was very public. Later they were related to his bosses treatment of him. Then the boss got transferred After that, it was mainly about fatigue and too much overtime, which he wouldn't pass up, no matter how much I told him that we didn't need the extra money. He hasn't had a major meltdown since he retired.

 

[Chance]

He used to have lots of them, when his job was very public. Later they were related to his bosses treatment of him, for two years. Then the boss got transferred After that, it was mainly about fatigue and too much overtime, which he wouldn't pass up, no matter how much I told him that we didn't need the extra money. He hasn't had a major meltdown since he retired.

He deserves his peace and I admire him for being able to take that level of overwhelming weight.

 

[LucyPurrs]

So glad for this post. I have a dear friend who lives in another country and who I suspect has AS. I don't even know if he has meltdowns- have not asked him but he has told me that when he is upset or angry he often will push people away who try to hug him. I hope to be able to ask him someday soon what he finds most helpful and supportive when he is upset because I surely do not want to add to his distress. He does have periods when he seems to retreat and is not talkative. I try to stay in contact without putting pressure on him to chat by sending him emails which don't require any answers. It is so hard to be physically separated- we've actually never met but really care a lot about each other and are there for eachother as much as possible via the internet. He has really enriched my life. So thanks all for the information you've posted- it's so appreciated.

 

[Tobs]

To me it depends on the meltdown. And I have been alone for 2 weeks so the whole how-to-deal-with-me is a moot subject now. But for the sake of insight I'll share anyway.

Sometimes I have a meltdown because too much has been happening that I havn't had time to "put it all in the right place". (Ex: Overwhelming day at work or little time to think for prolonged period.) Then I need time and space. Nothing will fix this other than thinking about it and putting things in their place.

Sometimes I have a meltdown because I'm missing information regarding an imminent choice. In most of those cases, my choice is dependent on someone else in some way. (Ex: What will I do for dinner, when I don't know when my partner will be home.) In this case I need to either clarify the missing parameters, or make a multi-scenario plan that removes my dependency on the missing information.

In the case of the example, I'd ask when she'd be home and if an answer doesn't come (in time), I'd for instance buy two simple seperate dishes so we could eat seperately if she's home later than my hunger and I'd buy a full dish to eat together if she's home "on time".

In general, all I want is patience and understanding. It's not their fault I'm having a meltdown, I don't need them to fix it for me. But if you take it personal, it makes me feel inadequate. I am adept at hiding my meltdowns, but if I care about and trust you enough I'll openly show what's going on. So to me, being that open about it is a sign of trust. It's nice not to have to hide who you are. If it is then taken like a personal attack (You feel it as I think you've done something wrong) or a personal failure (as if you should be able to prevent/resolve my meltdown) it only teaches me not to put that weight on you and takes away from my sincerity.

 

[Rayner]

I'd say kind of, for me when I experience a shut down I like knowing that my girlfriend is close but I can't really think of anything she can do to make me feel better.

 

[Laura Sinclair]

I would have to say that I am pretty lucky when it comes to my boyfriend. My boyfriend can usually tell when I am in "rumble mode." Once the meltdown happens, he usually sits quietly. I can only imagine how hard and frustrating it is for him. However, he understands that I can't help it.

 

[newbiesomuch]

I'll just ask - my lovely one gets stuck in his own head, re-living his traumas, he's twitching all over, muttering some things under his nose, and - which is awful - pressing his nails into his palm.

Have any of you encountered such behavior? If yes, how can I help him?