Can't connect with others.

[elements]

I'm really tired of not being able to connect with people. I even accidentally make others uncomfortable around me. It feels so dam hopeless; what's the point on living if you can't even have meaningful relationships.

 

[Luca]

I don’t connect very well with most people irl either, even though I’m pretty extroverted when I’m comfortable with people.

I’ve had a lot of bad things happen to me so I have trust issues irl and I come across as pretty guarded I think, which makes people uncomfortable.
Then there’s the obvious fact that I’m autistic which makes some people get weird vibes from me… and I also talk uncontrollably about my special interests without fully realizing that I’m getting carried away sometimes.
I tend to be towards the lesser spectrum of social awkwardness (in some situations) but I’m not immune to being weird. I also act pretty childish sometimes.

My special interest is dogs so I naturally get along better with dog people. That accounts for all of my (somewhat few) irl friendships.

Is there something you’re really interested in, that you could find a community of people who are also interested in it?
The dog community has been very welcoming to me, and most of the ones I know are mature adults who are not put off by my obvious quirks.
I think that if you can find a group of people who are into the same stuff as you, they are usually pretty welcoming, especially if some are also autistic

 

[Aspychata]

What happens when you try to connect? Can you talk about this a little more? Thank you.

 

[Suzette]

What are you doing, do you think, that makes others uncomfortable? You can come up with strategies to help prevent whatever behavior you are talking about.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

When I decided to learn to be social, I concentrated on joining groups that fed my interests, especially activity groups. That let me practice without pressure, especially as I started to lead outings. Then, as I was hoping to get in a relationship, those outings taught me what I needed to do to harmonize with people and it gave me the confidence to start dating. In this way I not only made some very accepting friends I have to this day, I met my spouse, all because I made the effort to get involved in activities.

In a short while I will be leaving to join the bike club for a snowshoe hike.

 

[Matthias]

I recommend reading books about relationships, emotions, and social skills and then practicing what you learn with people in real life. Avoid assumptions (you may feel like people are uncomfortable when they are not uncomfortable). Don't be afraid to ask for advice and follow it. If stress or anxiety are a big problem, focus on learning about emotions first since it will make everything much easier.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I'm really tired of not being able to connect with people. I even accidentally make others uncomfortable around me. It feels so dam hopeless; what's the point on living if you can't even have meaningful relationships.

Well, it IS difficult for many of us. In order to have a "connection" with someone a few things have to happen. For one, you have to get that "dopamine hit" and feel somewhat energized by social interaction,...something that many autistics never experience. In fact, for many of us, it is mentally draining,...like I have to take a nap because I feel exhausted. The other part is the "hit" of oxytocin and vasopressin from the posterior pituitary that helps us feel the "excitement", the "euphoria" of the social interaction,...but these hormones are also responsible for us wanting to have social interaction so we are willing to walk up to someone and start talking with them. Again, there are autistics that simply don't have that,...I don't. Then in order to maintain that relationship, both parties have to be thinking of each other, a phone call here, a text there, spending time with each other on a frequent basis,...to me, that's a lot of mental work,...for others, that just comes naturally.

So,...what that means to me is that with my wife,...it is an intellectual exercise some days to interact with her, but also I don't bond with her socially,...at least not by neurotypical standards. I can go for hours and hours without talking,...the silence is soothing to me,...but to her, it may be bothersome that I'm not talking to her,...so I have to make myself talk. I get my hormone "hit" from physical contact,...something as simple as a hug, a kiss, holding hands, simple physical contact in bed, etc. My children, my parents, siblings, etc,...pretty much out-of-sight, out-of-mind. Now, when I do see them,...all is well,...but my lack of contact affects them significantly more than it does me. I don't "miss" people. I don't feel loneliness.

Obviously, there is social dysfunction in my case,...but at my age,...people are a stressor, so not being around people actually makes me content and relaxed.

 

[NB79]

I can relate a lot, sometimes i think i am a statue there with people, im there but i actually not, i can't approach people to try know them and be friends, my contact list is null. A bit desperate my situation because i would need a job if it was not for the fact that i have some other mental issues that keeps me unable to live a 'normal' life.

 

[Fino]

Therapy could help. Role-playing in therapy could be useful. Role-playing with anyone might be useful if you have someone willing.

 

[Jordy]

Some people just don't have the wiring, i can connect with some people tho, just not for a long time, and not with 95% of the population.

 

[NB79]

Some people just don't have the wiring, i can connect with some people tho, just not for a long time, and not with 95% of the population.

I can relate with you too, except i could connect when i was younger with some people, not now, until they detected something off with their sixth social sense and it was over. Not trying to always complain and be negative just saying what always happened.

 

[Soleil]

My therapist also suggested trying to find people I have something in common with and talking with them. She also said that talking with people is a skill, and the best way to improve is to practice and speak with people.
The trouble is, once you're an adult, making mistakes when socializing is a lot harder to play off. Like, when you're a kid it's fine to be socially awkward because nobody your age really knows how to socialize much. But as an adult, these difficulties are a lot harder to hide.
As I get more comfortable with myself I'm feeling less on-guard, and I find it easier to say things when I have something I can say. I still generally don't know what to say or when to say it, though, and that makes it hard to connect with anyone.

 

[NB79]

idk if socializing is a skill when you are trying to really connect, is more like some chemistry, more like a inborn sense or something imo, its like 'normal' people detect things subconcsiously about you and act on those sensed things without even realizing much, they sense something is off with you... and then problems start. idk.