Can’t maintain affection

[Jason5]

I started dating someone recently and I am in trouble I feel strongly for this girl but I struggle with affection. It’s always been the case that it’s difficult for me to express emotion. But I was doing well but now it’s like I have hit a plateau. Feels like I am saying the same lines over again and like it’s repetitive and I’m not sure how well it comes across.

Generally speaking I often need down and alone time. I am very introverted and need recharge time, maybe that has contributed somewhat.

It’s not a case of losing interest but it’s like I can’t actively express it like when we first started dating even though I know my feelings for her remain the same. And I know that isn’t sustainable.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I started dating someone recently and I am in trouble I feel strongly for this girl but I struggle with affection. It’s always been the case that it’s difficult for me to express emotion. But I was doing well but now it’s like I have hit a plateau. Feels like I am saying the same lines over again and like it’s repetitive and I’m not sure how well it comes across.

Generally speaking I often need down and alone time. I am very introverted and need recharge time, maybe that has contributed somewhat.

It’s not a case of losing interest but it’s like I can’t actively express it like when we first started dating even though I know my feelings for her remain the same. And I know that isn’t sustainable.

I can be like that too in terms of my numbing and trauma.
Where i am very affectionate and love hugs and kisses but have grown used to without it
And I think it can be a love/hate relationship
Whereas sometimes you do not feel like it an excess either
The fact that I have grown accustomed so long without it is worrying to me.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Maybe she's a great partner, but not great for you.

I can relate somewhat when I think of relationships I had with NT women. Good people, but not really longterm matches, even if I thought so, or wanted to believe. But, the right person (in my case Autistic) can bring out much more in you. You can see a depth of love and expression you only saw part of before. This is because you are with someone who communicates like you and you feed off each other. That may be worth considering.

 

[Tom]

I started dating someone recently and I am in trouble I feel strongly for this girl but I struggle with affection. It’s always been the case that it’s difficult for me to express emotion. But I was doing well but now it’s like I have hit a plateau. Feels like I am saying the same lines over again and like it’s repetitive and I’m not sure how well it comes across.

Generally speaking I often need down and alone time. I am very introverted and need recharge time, maybe that has contributed somewhat.

It’s not a case of losing interest but it’s like I can’t actively express it like when we first started dating even though I know my feelings for her remain the same. And I know that isn’t sustainable.

Be honest with her. Maybe she's hiding something too.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I started dating someone recently and I am in trouble I feel strongly for this girl but I struggle with affection. It’s always been the case that it’s difficult for me to express emotion. But I was doing well but now it’s like I have hit a plateau. Feels like I am saying the same lines over again and like it’s repetitive and I’m not sure how well it comes across.

Generally speaking I often need down and alone time. I am very introverted and need recharge time, maybe that has contributed somewhat.

It’s not a case of losing interest but it’s like I can’t actively express it like when we first started dating even though I know my feelings for her remain the same. And I know that isn’t sustainable.

I know what you mean, and I've had the same situation in a previous relationship. It's very difficult, because on one hand it felt like I was doing the best I could, but on the other hand it was obvious that something was missing even if I couldn't identify what, and my ex was getting very frustrated with me. Ultimately, I do think we weren't right for each other, and the reason I kept inside of myself so much is because I didn't fully trust her (though I wouldn't admit it to myself), partly because of how differently our minds work.

We are still friends now, but the relationship would never have worked out long term. I won't tell you what to do, but I do think the situation won't get resolved by itself. Do you feel yourself always on the defensive because of how you communicate, and like you can't talk "correctly"? That can be a tough spot to get out of. I think a frank conversation needs to take place with your partner, where both individuals are prepared to listen. In my case, it didn't really happen till after we broke up, but perhaps it would be possible to have that conversation earlier in your case. In any case, I know it's tough.

 

[Fino]

Communication of your needs is essential.

 

[Suzanne]

Same and what I am learning is that you MUST explain to this interest of yours, what is going on, for she WILL feel slighted and confused that this man is interested, but acting the opposite.

I am not a very affectionate person - well, I mean, I do not go in for all that touching and closeness, but married to a man who loves that kind of thing, so when he used to complain about my lack of affection, I would try to rectify that, but it soon would wean away.

Now, I just let him hug me, but he does not expect it back and I think it is thanks to my diagnosis, since he was there, when I was diagnosed.

 

[SusanLR]

A lot of people on the spectrum have this difficulty.
For me, knowing I loved was always like a given.
I knew how I felt and felt love but didn't physically express it well.
They don't know that though and start to wonder if you do really care.

I was asked once by someone I loved if I didn't love them because I never spontaneously hugged them or said I love you.
I explained how I expressed love may be a bit different to what most people do.
I told them of course I loved them and the things I do, thinking it would make them happy, was my way of showing love.
Being there for them, trying to be helpful, always thinking of them and giving gifts.
Other actions besides saying it or grabbing for a hug was just my way.

I think NTs want to hear the words and want you to go for the touching physical acts.
Yes, explain it.

 

[Mr_F_]

I started dating someone recently and I am in trouble I feel strongly for this girl but I struggle with affection. It’s always been the case that it’s difficult for me to express emotion. But I was doing well but now it’s like I have hit a plateau. Feels like I am saying the same lines over again and like it’s repetitive and I’m not sure how well it comes across.

Generally speaking I often need down and alone time. I am very introverted and need recharge time, maybe that has contributed somewhat.

It’s not a case of losing interest but it’s like I can’t actively express it like when we first started dating even though I know my feelings for her remain the same. And I know that isn’t sustainable.

I have been with my partner for over 12 years and can totally relate to this. She knows that I love her, but understands the reason why I don't always show affection (or not as much as what others may try to make you feel is 'normal'). Like you, I am a massive introvert and need alone time, and my partner knows and respects that.

The truth is, if you meet someone and you build a loving connection then they will love you for who you are and try to learn everything about you. I was only diagnosed a few days ago, and my partner now understands where my lack of affection comes from. But she did respect me for who I was before the diagnosis, and that's the most important thing.

Try not to overthink it mate (easier said than done!)

 

[Rodafina]

It’s always been the case that it’s difficult for me to express emotion. But I was doing well but now it’s like I have hit a plateau. Feels like I am saying the same lines over again and like it’s repetitive and I’m not sure how well it comes across.

@Jason5, it sounds like you're having trouble expressing physical affection, but here in your post, you express your thoughts and feelings well. I think it's time to share this sort of thinking with your partner. Even show her what you wrote here.

When you say that it's been going well but you've hit a plateau and don't know if you can continue in this way, it suggests that you've been trying to do things that are not totally natural to you. I think this will inevitably lead to distance between you and your partner (not the good kind of space, but emotional distance that can lead to hurt). I think it's worth it to try to explain your deeper thoughts to her and see if that is something she can accept and respect.

 

[Dagan]

"Trust and comfort." Those two things are so important. If you don't have them at any given time, you might cringe at just the thought of someone touching you. You have to communicate your needs and make them clear - like making it very clear that if you need to be alone, it's not a slight to her or even specifically about her. It's that you can't process or handle whatever emotion or feeling in that moment, and you need to reset / recharge / restart...but let her know that you will always try to talk about it, even if it has to be after a bit of silence.

I feel like this is a major problem in many relationships where one or both partners feel entitled to absolute answers to everything, every single second. That if one doesn't get an answer or doesn't get the conversation they want, then the whole world is burning down, everything is lost, oh, woe are they forevermore, etc. etc. Time and space isn't just integral to astrophysics. People need it, too.

 

[Alexej]

Hi @Jason5

Thank you for being so vulnerable in the post.

The expression of affection s hard for NDs and it can also be affected by the double empathy problem - but that is another story.

Certainly talk to your SO and try to help them understand what is going on for you. Don't keep it to yourself or they will probably jump to the wrong conclusion of what is going on for you.