Can't mask anymore.

[Tony Ramirez]

Every since my last burnout in December then all the trauma dumping with relationship issues with friendships with women or what I believe lack of the stress is I really can't mask anymore.

I often mutter to myself on the street and in public places but there more quit. I can barely maintain eye contact anymore. I still by rocking more lightly in public and move my leg more. I struggle with speech more. I am once again much more afraid to talk to women I don't know. More afraid of them even ones I know or those who talk to me more so who I don't know.

I also trip over things more and bump into things more. I often misplaced and lose things too.

 

[Levitat0r]

Well, I hate to tell you, chances are good that you never could mask, since those are the sorts of people who get called try-hards, poseurs, wanna-bes, and fakes, ironically by the same people who are merely more practiced and expert at fakery. Here is video of an actual masker masking:

Stress tends to intensify your issues, so take it as an opportunity to gain introspection, self-awareness, and be content with who you are on a good day.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I know I use to mask better before my burnout. Not great but now I am terrible. I can barely talk to women now I don't know.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Every since my last burnout in December then all the trauma dumping with relationship issues with friendships with women or what I believe lack of the stress is I really can't mask anymore.

I often mutter to myself on the street and in public places but there more quit. I can barely maintain eye contact anymore. I still by rocking more lightly in public and move my leg more. I struggle with speech more. I am once again much more afraid to talk to women I don't know. More afraid of them even ones I know or those who talk to me more so who I don't know.

I also trip over things more and bump into things more. I often misplaced and lose things too.

I'm sorry for that, I understand the feeling. I noticed that I was burned out also because I was less and less able to deal with things that used to be alright for me - noises, people, busy places, chores, changes, decisions. Smiling and talking felt like an ordeal - not because I was sad or depressed, but because it took so much physical and mental effort to not just wear my neutral face. But it got considerably better within the past few months.

Do you know what has caused your burnout, and do you know what helps you to recharge and relax? Are you able to take a break from things and spend a certain time somewhere familiar and safe, to feel better and recharge your batteries?
Also, a therapist or at least a support group might be a good idea. Maybe there's a support group for autistic adults in your area, if finding a therapist is hard?

Also, maybe you could reflect whether you actually want to go back to all of your previous masking behavior? Maybe there are things you don't actually need so much, or which you could learn to live without. For example, if you misplace and lose things very often, you could think about re-organizing your home in a way that's more convenient for you, even if it's not the standard way. Little things can help - for example putting a box next to your entrance where the second you walk in you drop keys, your wallet, your phone and whatever you need when you go outside.
And eye contact is overrated anyway. I haven't looked anyone into the eyes for months now (I look at their nose, mouth or forehead if it's needed) and nothing bad has happened. You don't need to force yourself to do it if it's uncomfortable.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

And eye contact is overrated anyway. I haven't looked anyone into the eyes for months now (I look at their nose, mouth or forehead if it's needed) and nothing bad has happened. You don't need to force yourself to do it if it's uncomfortable.

Don't think this is weird but looking at attractive women is easy at first then all of a sudden it gets hard because I get very nervous then I can't maintain eye contact.

 

[Boogs]

Take this as a wild suggestion, and maybe quite useless to you, but if stimming is an issue around people, sometimes finding something that satisfies that need for regulation that others can put a label to can make it more acceptable even if a little unusual.
One I've heard of is just bouncing a ball hand to ground, if your coordination is good for it. For some it can provide that stim process, and can be explained as improving your coordination, or exercising weak muscles, whatever feels ok to lie about (essentially lie, but not a bad way). It can even be a source of starting a conversation. That may not work for you, but maybe something else that could fit that description? Maybe yoyo's, or some other thing, origami, who knows?
It's only a little thing but making small improvements tends to work better than huge leaps, being more attainable and realistic, yet proving positive feedback with gradual small successes.

 

[Rodafina]

Tony,
I think that's the problem that masking can have - it is exhausting. Sometimes, it is necessary to mask to get through certain situations, but in my experience, it always takes its toll.

Instead of putting my energy into masking these days, I put that same energy into self acceptance. One of the benefits of aging is slowly caring less and less what others think of me - especially strangers. Beyond self acceptance, I want the acceptance of others who will actually know who I am and not just a false version of myself that takes a great deal of energy to keep up.

Even though not masking can sometimes make us feel vulnerable, noticeable, or strange compared to others, there can be a freedom that comes with simply being ourselves. For some, it seems like the more time we spend not hidden by the mask, the more we just want to be ourselves all the time.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Agree. I am finding the ones that still smiled, talk, acknowledge even when I try to mask and I fail are the ones I should be around.