mikeanthony
New Member
I know its a lot but I dont know where to start any more..
I retired from fire dept in 2020 one week before all the covid lockdowns. I've struggled with moving forward and rejoining the social system. I was awarded a Disability Pension and diagnosed with uncontrolled HTN, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety. Over the past 5 years or so Ive really been trying to understand why Ive felt so awkward and broken my whole life. The therapists and psychs that I was assigned from work had no experience with fire dept issues let alone ASD. Now that I reflect on my life and my youth I can see clearly that ASD has been with me. Growing up I would have difficulty with being around numbers like phone numbers and letters like on license plates or billboards. My brain would start to multiply, add, divide, etc to come up with different solutions to self-created math problems. My mind would and still does attempt to form words or assign numbers to letters and 'decode' them. I used to complain to mom as a child that it bothered me and she just told me I was smart. I was homeschooled until 4th grade and would do my own schoolwork and then do my sisters who was two grades higher than me and I would get 100% on everything.
My mom would tell me that I should play with my brother and sister but I always like playing alone better. I still cant maintain relationships. My brother is a year older than me and my sister two years older. So, we were close enough in age to play but found it difficult. As a kid when we would play in the neighborhood or hang out I was the one that wouldnt say anything or was at the back of the group and didnt seem to matter to anyone. It would always amaze me how people would communicate and laugh and discuss off-topic things. I have no ability to carry a conversation that has no meaning to me. When faced with social situations I learned early that drinking helped me and I would become a completely different person that was outgoing and people liked. I also learned that discussion in social situations are extremely difficult for me and drain me very fast. When discussing a topic a lot of the times I need ruminate the new information even if I dont necessarily agree with it. Ive notice my brain switches from the posterior 'critical thinking' and becomes a very fast, anxious, thought process that seems to move a the forward part of my thinking (like fight or flight)...
When I went into school in the 4th grade it was very difficult for me to adjust. I was raised a strict protestant and understood its morals and ethics very well. My mom, I believe, is mentally ill by my assessment, at least from a childs perspective. My mom had a friend and they would get together and this lady would 'visions' from God, so she said. A lot of this memory came out after attending therapy, but I believe all this recollection has only hurt me. Ive built walls in my mind my entire life as this is the only way I know how to deal with things. If not they loop in my head like numbers and letters. One such time this lady came over she told my mom she had a dream that there was burried treasure in our backyard. I remember looking out that back door and watching this lady and my mom walk around the yard and this lady would begin to 'get weak' where she felt 'the power of god'...me and my brother had to dig up half that back yard. Then she had a vision it was under a fruit tree but we had none in the yard. So, we had a hong kong orchid tree that my dad planted and he said for me and my brother to dig out...alas, nothing. Then, it switched to the front yard. If people asked what we were doing we were to tell them burying a time capsule. This lady has influenced my mom and still does. When I was kid my mom told me the holy spirit told her Iwas snorting cocaine because I got nosebleeds while playing basket ball a few times. She told my brother he would grow up to be like Ted Bundy if he didnt change his ways. We werent allowed to own tapes, CDs or watch almost nothing as a kid. We werent allowed to play sports because my mom didnt trust anybody. My relationship with my parents has always been strained though I was once deemed the golden child.
I attemted to have a relationship with my parents several times. My mom always cut everyone out of her life that didnt agree with her religious views including her entire catholic family and my dad's parents. I knew it was a matter of time before I was cut off. Ive always had this overhwleming desire to make everyone happy and just couldnt understand and still dont why I dont fit in and why my brother can still go back there and my sister who never left because my mom brain-washed her.
I could say a lot more, far worse things that weve had to deal with. My dad was raped by a catholic priest as a kid for 3 years and his dad was raped by one as well. There is a lot of alcohol abuse and anger and rage in my family...
It was difficult for me as such a sensitive kid to live in that house. I felt all my dads pain. It always overwhelmed me so I taught myself to block things out. Others pain has always overwhelmed to the point of spontaneously started crying when seeing a homeless person. But Ive taught myself, through repition, to wall off thoughts.
Since Ive retire Ive had a lot of time to reflect. Ive taken personality tests to attempt to figure myself out and though my personality was shown to be a rare one, INFJ, I also found much of the way I experienced things fell under ASD. Ive taken several tests are rating me high and when I presented the information to my wife she filled one out by her perception of me and she rated me even higher. I know a Dr who has dealt with other patients and said a diagnosis at this point is just for paper.
I was placed on light duty before retiring from the fire dept as I was getting sever htn just walking into a fire station. While on light duty my emotions started coming out that Ive surpressed my entire life and felt i needed to be alone. i feel therapy has only made things worse as i was forced to remember everything at once. After leaving the fire dept I only kept in touch with 2-3 people and only by text once or twice every few months. Now, I have completely cut off contact with everyone. Being around fire dept related things including guys I worked with brings in floods of emotion that overwhelms me and forces my brain from critical thinking to fight or flight. It cause me great anxiety and in times past only drinking would stop it. I havent had a drink in 5 years and my social life has become nothing. I was drinking a lot of whiskey to help deal with all the pain and confusion Ive always felt. I havent talked to anyone since august last year. My wife doesnt say much and I think just realizes after being with me since 16 that my mind works different. Her and I shouldve never got married but thats another point. We are here now and have been married for 22 years and have to kids. I left home and 16 and got married at 20.
So, the problem Im facing is moving forward. My mind has never been able to 'group its thoughts'....my mind hops around on different tracks. I cant organize my thought process into something makes a functional plan? if that make sense?
I was good at being a firefighter/paramedic because I was given protocols. A set of rules. Im good at memorizing and recalling things like rules. This is how Im able to operate. With rules. Societal rules. I have a hard time when others dont follow societal rules/social norms because thats how Ive learned to operate. One of the most difficult times in my career was when they did a large revamp of our protocols. My mind used those protocols as scripture - written in stone and now felt like I was being forced to learn new rules that completely contradicted the old ones.
My mind is missing something other people have that allow them to communicate freely. When Im around people I get overwhelmed by every other noise, conversation, facial expressions, smells, avoiding eye contact, while constantly trying to think of something brilliant to say. I learned how to make jokes and have use that as my only tool and sometimes I dont think I know where 'the line' is in my current company. Everyone has become a victim too and sometimes I dont understand things I say until after I say them. Its hard to explain. I can read peoples emotions but not what they are thinking. I can predict the future but can't make a decision, my wife has said Im psychic..
I dont know how to move forward. Im stuck. I sit at my house every day and collect plants. I feel like something in me broke. Im not the same person I used to be. Im not happy, ever. I have no friends that I could really connect with or any worth connecting. My brother, my only friend, got married and moved away this past year. I dont want to work in this area as I dont want to see anyone Ive worked with. The fire staions are just down the street and I can hear when their sirens go off.
Im trying to understand if I will ever find a way to function on my own? The fire dept gave me structure and forced me to be hang out with people. Though, as one can imagine, medical issues started to arise and it was like I was plugging holes for the last portion of my career.
The fire dept was my life and my wife is an ER nurse and I would drop off patients to her and we had a lot of the same friend groups from our employment. I feel like im neutered. Ive lost my pride. Ive lost my life. I dont know how to pick up and move forward. My mind is stuck in a loop.Therapy hasnt helped and has only made it worse. Ive got a script for marijauna now and have started just using that to make time disappear. I have no relationship with my wife other than watching The Office at night... Im lost.
I just cant figure out how to move forward. i have no desire to work in or near this city as I dont want to have to see people I worked with while Im working some other job. i dont need the money either.
I retired from fire dept in 2020 one week before all the covid lockdowns. I've struggled with moving forward and rejoining the social system. I was awarded a Disability Pension and diagnosed with uncontrolled HTN, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety. Over the past 5 years or so Ive really been trying to understand why Ive felt so awkward and broken my whole life. The therapists and psychs that I was assigned from work had no experience with fire dept issues let alone ASD. Now that I reflect on my life and my youth I can see clearly that ASD has been with me. Growing up I would have difficulty with being around numbers like phone numbers and letters like on license plates or billboards. My brain would start to multiply, add, divide, etc to come up with different solutions to self-created math problems. My mind would and still does attempt to form words or assign numbers to letters and 'decode' them. I used to complain to mom as a child that it bothered me and she just told me I was smart. I was homeschooled until 4th grade and would do my own schoolwork and then do my sisters who was two grades higher than me and I would get 100% on everything.
My mom would tell me that I should play with my brother and sister but I always like playing alone better. I still cant maintain relationships. My brother is a year older than me and my sister two years older. So, we were close enough in age to play but found it difficult. As a kid when we would play in the neighborhood or hang out I was the one that wouldnt say anything or was at the back of the group and didnt seem to matter to anyone. It would always amaze me how people would communicate and laugh and discuss off-topic things. I have no ability to carry a conversation that has no meaning to me. When faced with social situations I learned early that drinking helped me and I would become a completely different person that was outgoing and people liked. I also learned that discussion in social situations are extremely difficult for me and drain me very fast. When discussing a topic a lot of the times I need ruminate the new information even if I dont necessarily agree with it. Ive notice my brain switches from the posterior 'critical thinking' and becomes a very fast, anxious, thought process that seems to move a the forward part of my thinking (like fight or flight)...
When I went into school in the 4th grade it was very difficult for me to adjust. I was raised a strict protestant and understood its morals and ethics very well. My mom, I believe, is mentally ill by my assessment, at least from a childs perspective. My mom had a friend and they would get together and this lady would 'visions' from God, so she said. A lot of this memory came out after attending therapy, but I believe all this recollection has only hurt me. Ive built walls in my mind my entire life as this is the only way I know how to deal with things. If not they loop in my head like numbers and letters. One such time this lady came over she told my mom she had a dream that there was burried treasure in our backyard. I remember looking out that back door and watching this lady and my mom walk around the yard and this lady would begin to 'get weak' where she felt 'the power of god'...me and my brother had to dig up half that back yard. Then she had a vision it was under a fruit tree but we had none in the yard. So, we had a hong kong orchid tree that my dad planted and he said for me and my brother to dig out...alas, nothing. Then, it switched to the front yard. If people asked what we were doing we were to tell them burying a time capsule. This lady has influenced my mom and still does. When I was kid my mom told me the holy spirit told her Iwas snorting cocaine because I got nosebleeds while playing basket ball a few times. She told my brother he would grow up to be like Ted Bundy if he didnt change his ways. We werent allowed to own tapes, CDs or watch almost nothing as a kid. We werent allowed to play sports because my mom didnt trust anybody. My relationship with my parents has always been strained though I was once deemed the golden child.
I attemted to have a relationship with my parents several times. My mom always cut everyone out of her life that didnt agree with her religious views including her entire catholic family and my dad's parents. I knew it was a matter of time before I was cut off. Ive always had this overhwleming desire to make everyone happy and just couldnt understand and still dont why I dont fit in and why my brother can still go back there and my sister who never left because my mom brain-washed her.
I could say a lot more, far worse things that weve had to deal with. My dad was raped by a catholic priest as a kid for 3 years and his dad was raped by one as well. There is a lot of alcohol abuse and anger and rage in my family...
It was difficult for me as such a sensitive kid to live in that house. I felt all my dads pain. It always overwhelmed me so I taught myself to block things out. Others pain has always overwhelmed to the point of spontaneously started crying when seeing a homeless person. But Ive taught myself, through repition, to wall off thoughts.
Since Ive retire Ive had a lot of time to reflect. Ive taken personality tests to attempt to figure myself out and though my personality was shown to be a rare one, INFJ, I also found much of the way I experienced things fell under ASD. Ive taken several tests are rating me high and when I presented the information to my wife she filled one out by her perception of me and she rated me even higher. I know a Dr who has dealt with other patients and said a diagnosis at this point is just for paper.
I was placed on light duty before retiring from the fire dept as I was getting sever htn just walking into a fire station. While on light duty my emotions started coming out that Ive surpressed my entire life and felt i needed to be alone. i feel therapy has only made things worse as i was forced to remember everything at once. After leaving the fire dept I only kept in touch with 2-3 people and only by text once or twice every few months. Now, I have completely cut off contact with everyone. Being around fire dept related things including guys I worked with brings in floods of emotion that overwhelms me and forces my brain from critical thinking to fight or flight. It cause me great anxiety and in times past only drinking would stop it. I havent had a drink in 5 years and my social life has become nothing. I was drinking a lot of whiskey to help deal with all the pain and confusion Ive always felt. I havent talked to anyone since august last year. My wife doesnt say much and I think just realizes after being with me since 16 that my mind works different. Her and I shouldve never got married but thats another point. We are here now and have been married for 22 years and have to kids. I left home and 16 and got married at 20.
So, the problem Im facing is moving forward. My mind has never been able to 'group its thoughts'....my mind hops around on different tracks. I cant organize my thought process into something makes a functional plan? if that make sense?
I was good at being a firefighter/paramedic because I was given protocols. A set of rules. Im good at memorizing and recalling things like rules. This is how Im able to operate. With rules. Societal rules. I have a hard time when others dont follow societal rules/social norms because thats how Ive learned to operate. One of the most difficult times in my career was when they did a large revamp of our protocols. My mind used those protocols as scripture - written in stone and now felt like I was being forced to learn new rules that completely contradicted the old ones.
My mind is missing something other people have that allow them to communicate freely. When Im around people I get overwhelmed by every other noise, conversation, facial expressions, smells, avoiding eye contact, while constantly trying to think of something brilliant to say. I learned how to make jokes and have use that as my only tool and sometimes I dont think I know where 'the line' is in my current company. Everyone has become a victim too and sometimes I dont understand things I say until after I say them. Its hard to explain. I can read peoples emotions but not what they are thinking. I can predict the future but can't make a decision, my wife has said Im psychic..
I dont know how to move forward. Im stuck. I sit at my house every day and collect plants. I feel like something in me broke. Im not the same person I used to be. Im not happy, ever. I have no friends that I could really connect with or any worth connecting. My brother, my only friend, got married and moved away this past year. I dont want to work in this area as I dont want to see anyone Ive worked with. The fire staions are just down the street and I can hear when their sirens go off.
Im trying to understand if I will ever find a way to function on my own? The fire dept gave me structure and forced me to be hang out with people. Though, as one can imagine, medical issues started to arise and it was like I was plugging holes for the last portion of my career.
The fire dept was my life and my wife is an ER nurse and I would drop off patients to her and we had a lot of the same friend groups from our employment. I feel like im neutered. Ive lost my pride. Ive lost my life. I dont know how to pick up and move forward. My mind is stuck in a loop.Therapy hasnt helped and has only made it worse. Ive got a script for marijauna now and have started just using that to make time disappear. I have no relationship with my wife other than watching The Office at night... Im lost.
I just cant figure out how to move forward. i have no desire to work in or near this city as I dont want to have to see people I worked with while Im working some other job. i dont need the money either.
. I wasn't diagnosed until 52. I am in healthcare. My wife is a RN. I left home at 18, married just before my 20th birthday. I don't have contact with my family. I don't understand the emotional thinking of people, the politics, the irrational thinking. I have always been on on the periphery.
