Can't seem to escape being scolded for the most minute things

[UberScout]

As of late, my stepfather has successfully passed a kidney stone. He's already in enough pain when it's in him, and that makes him irritable enough, but even after he passes it, he still seems to be hurting.

I've noticed through years of observation that constant, continuous pain is what causes this to happen; and who can blame him? Nobody likes pain that doesn't stop until it's stopped.

But this turns him into an absolute dragon, and even blinking in his direction three out of two times is enough to make him look at you like you just kicked his mother in the face.

Let me elaborate and make perfectly clear that I love my stepfather, Maddog has been there for me more times than I can count and has managed to save my hind end from more than what I'd like to explain, some things serious and others minor, but my mother and I both agree completely when I say that growling at someone for burping or something is not really something we want to endure. And I'm sure he doesn't like being in that kind of mindset either, but it's still not entirely acceptable.

The whole day today, while he was enduring this, and he's a very durable man in more ways than one, for some intervals of time, he acted pretty benign, normally, even. It wasn't until dinnertime rolled around and I grabbed one of my mother's Diet Mountain Dews out of the fridge to drink because I didn't have my own drinks, that he went absolutely ballistic.

She even personally gave it to me, because she's just that nice, and she's always been generous like that, and while I would have been just fine with plain water, I've always found something flavored drowns out the aftertaste of some foods enough that I can tolerate it. But heaven forbid I take ONE of her 10-ounce drinks that SHE said I could have herself to wash down a burger patty I just had to fumble around in my teeth as careful as possible because of my gum stitches.

That was tolerable for the most part. But let's go back a bit farther into the day, before dinner started. So, we had to wash some blankets and sheets, and some clothes, which I personally offered to help with, because 1) that's what firstborn children are supposed to do, help out around the house, and 2) I'm that nice of a person, I'm not just going to let a pre-diabetic mother of three whose bottom spine is bent backwards in the shape of a letter "C" stow around by herself. But I had so much to carry in the baskets, socks and loose clothes kept falling, at one point our string hamper had a small tear in it, and I kept forgetting what I was supposed to do because I'm so absent-minded as a part of my Autism condition, Maddog was just irritated with my forgetful antics.

I can't help how spotty my thinking is sometimes, I'm a being that thinks straight ahead, I can't always split my focus fourteen ways like others can.

I really wish I was capable of living on my own, and that I had my own place to live, but like I specified before, I've already tried that out, and it didn't work out at all. I'll elaborate in another thread, but for now, probably until I gain arthritis or something, I don't have much of a choice but to have someone I trust with my life keep everything that needs to be juggled in my life; medicine, insurance (sensitive details), and anything that I need upkeep managed for, do it for me. And I'm not trying to make excuses or anything, I have genuinely tried to manage everything myself, and I don't possess the mental capacity that requires dividing attention seventeen ways or so. Not to mention, I'd buckle under all that stress.

There HAS to be a way I can calmly talk to Maddog about this problem. I'm not the only one who doesn't like it happening, but it's having the worst effect on me, psychologically; while he has a heart of gold by pure nature alone, during these periods of intense continuous pain he's in I am mortally terrified to even twitch a bone in my finger 2/10's of a quarter-inch in his direction, for fear that he'll throw a sock or something. (He's never thrown anything at all at me, that was just dark humor, for the most part.) Not that he would ever do anything harmful at all, but it's the imagery that scares me.

 

[Marina Phantom]

With that nickname, I keep on thinking you're talking about James "Mad Dog" Mattis, the retired Marine Corps general. Though, it's to my knowledge that he never married and doesn't have any kids.

I personally don't mind strict standards of discipline; I think you'll be made all the stronger if you rise up to the challenges he gives you. At the same time, there's a delicate balance to be had when disciplining people. You have to encourage good behavior just as much as you discourage bad behavior. You have to let the person know that they can, in fact, succeed and receive praise, it just takes hard work, and the superior should never discourage the subordinate from coming to them for help. Small problems that aren't fixed right away can eventually grow into disasters. It's part of the superior's job to supervise and be vigilant.

Furthermore, discipline should never be blind. Different people react to different things, and I believe it would do your stepfather some good to read-up on autism, as well as get to know you personally, so he can adjust his tactics.

Compromise on the methods, but never the goal.

 

[UberScout]

Trust me, he knows what autism is, I haven't noticed him doing research but he seems to know the ins and outs of it.

 

[Fino]

It seems like with his heart of gold, an honest explanation of basically what you told us would have an effect, maybe?

 

[Misery]

For what it's worth, I can somewhat understand where he's coming from on this.

I go through chronic pain myself. Tendon/nerve problems, and even a bit of arthritis in my neck (and I'm 37). Some days, everything hurts. On the absolute worst days, I cannot walk (fortunately that hasnt happened in awhile). Even right now, stuff hurts, just because.

And it definitely affects my mood. I have a really short fuse to begin with, so if there's too much pain, it's pretty much a time bomb. The last time it was really bad, I was walking through the house, and managed to bang my elbow on the edge of a door, just adding to it. Totally snapped. The response to this infraction from the door was to violently slam into it about 14 times, throwing my entire weight at it every time. Needless to say, some repairs were necessary afterwards. Didnt exactly cure the pain either.

That loss of control might seem a bit absurd, but too much pain just sort of eats away at you over time. In my case, it was the pain + autistic tendencies, so the response was nastier than it'd be for most people (fortunately I only destroy inanimate objects). But even for those without that, it can simply become too much, creating the behavior of lashing out. Sort of an automatic way of trying to release built up tension. Thus the yelling and such begins. Not everyone is prone to that behavior occurring, but it's common enough.

In this case, from your description, it sounds like he does his best to keep it under control, but.... well, nobody's perfect, and this particular thing is hard to resist, particularly over long periods of time. Seriously, it gets *very* intense sometimes. It'd drive most anyone mad after too much.

Talking about it with him (when he's not having a bad-pain-day) sounds like a good idea, but here's another question: Is there anything that can be done to relieve some of his stress? The pain itself is hard to get rid of, but dealing with the associated stress goes a very long way towards preventing some problems (and he may find that it actually reduces the pain a bit... being stressed out and tense always makes pain worse). The need to vent is understandable, but there are more constructive ways of doing so. And enough distraction alone can help alot too. Pain is that much worse when you're mentally focused on it. Shift that focus, and you feel it quite a bit less.

Also, the one other obvious solution is to see a doctor. There are those that specialize in this sort of thing. I ended up with very strong pain meds and physical therapy myself (the only thing that REALLY works). This actually is really the FIRST thing that should be done if possible.

Again, talking to him is a good idea, but it may not be enough by itself. Not when it comes to this particular type of problem.

Bah. Honestly problems like this just suck overall. It's intrusive/invasive and just causes constant trouble. I can definitely sympathize with what you are all going through. Good luck to you, in whatever you decide to try.

 

[UberScout]

He's an avid gamer, more so than me even; I've known him to sit through a full playthrough of Total War: Rome II on the game's "Legendary" mode, where you can't save your progress at all and have to beat the game in one sitting, by conquering all of Rome, and that can take anywhere from a couple hours to a FULL REAL LIFE DAY, and he does get some relief from playing stuff like that.

The pain tends to fluctuate, but it depends on the size of the stone.