Caring What Others Think And Being Too Nice

[AustinTheAspie]

Hey guys, Austin here. Something's been bothering me pretty much all my life; I care WAY too much what other people think of me, and I'm way too nice to people for my own good, and it's been driving me crazy. I find that I try to be my best around everyone, but in my perspective, it seems that everyone wants to find some way to bring me down for being myself. My authentic self is a nice, wholesome person, but everyone wants to try and test me and bring all the bad out, and then make me look like the bad guy, and I'm tired of being pushed around like this. It seems that every time I'm my nice, wholesome self around people, they reject me, but everytime I'm a tad mean, they show interest, and that's ********. This is especially true with women in my experience; I've been rejected as the nice guy way too many times, and I've honestly given up on all of them and gone MGTOW by this point. Why should I be someone I'm not, just to make friends/relationships? What a bunch of s**t. I don't even know what to do anymore, and I'm wondering if anyone can relate to this.

 

[Gritches]

Ah yes, the nice guy paradox, in which niceness is viewed as weakness and is thus preyed upon, but by virtue of being a good person it isn't possible to be the jerk you need to be for social acceptance. I've been there. You're sure you're not willing to be more of a dick? Nah, I get it.

Just keep at it. The people who are passing you up are assholes, I don't need to tell you that, but stick to your principles and the good people will come. It's just a numbers game.

 

[janetanfei]

I, too, have that default people-pleasing mannerism and codependent tendencies. These were learned behaviors, used as defense mechanisms until my mid-20s.

I am learning that the people who recognize who you are as a person are not the same people who reject you. They also will not try to goad you into being someone you aren't. Bottom line: if all of the people around you are assholes, go find new people.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. You need to be who you are, not who those ridiculous people claim you "should be". Proudly be yourself and don't take rude people too seriously - when you wear your heart on your sleeve and live with intent, like-minded people tend to find you! They'll come along soon.

As far as "nice guy rejection" - I'm not a nice guy, but I am a female who has had to "reject" males who perceive themselves to be nice guys. I can only give you my alternate perspective:

1) It's not necessarily actual rejection of nice guys as people, it's just a rejection of unwanted romantic overtures. Nice guys/gals are nice, and I enjoy being friendly with nice people. I enjoy making new friends, regardless of gender. I do not, however, enjoy my generic friendliness being intentionally misconstrued and treated as or perceived to be romantic intent. It doesn't work that way.

2) There are fake nice guys who are scumbags masquerading as nice people, who spend a lot of time getting close to their object of desire with the idea that s/he should somehow be beholden to him. Nope. Rejection every time, because that's just plain ******** - anyone who believe they're owed something for being "a friend" can get lost.

3) It's possible you're literally focusing on the wrong people. Extremely shallow people, for example, will find a reason to reject you if they decide they don't like you. If you're trying to fit in with a group of fools, you're going to end up feeling like a fool.

 

[AustinTheAspie]

I, too, have that default people-pleasing mannerism and codependent tendencies. These were learned behaviors, used as defense mechanisms until my mid-20s.

I am learning that the people who recognize who you are as a person are not the same people who reject you. They also will not try to goad you into being someone you aren't. Bottom line: if all of the people around you are assholes, go find new people.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. You need to be who you are, not who those ridiculous people claim you "should be". Proudly be yourself and don't take rude people too seriously - when you wear your heart on your sleeve and live with intent, like-minded people tend to find you! They'll come along soon.

As far as "nice guy rejection" - I'm not a nice guy, but I am a female who has had to "reject" males who perceive themselves to be nice guys. I can only give you my alternate perspective:

1) It's not necessarily actual rejection of nice guys as people, it's just a rejection of unwanted romantic overtures. Nice guys/gals are nice, and I enjoy being friendly with nice people. I enjoy making new friends, regardless of gender. I do not, however, enjoy my generic friendliness being intentionally misconstrued and treated as or perceived to be romantic intent. It doesn't work that way.

2) There are fake nice guys who are scumbags masquerading as nice people, who spend a lot of time getting close to their object of desire with the idea that s/he should somehow be beholden to him. Nope. Rejection every time, because that's just plain ******** - anyone who believe they're owed something for being "a friend" can get lost.

3) It's possible you're literally focusing on the wrong people. Extremely shallow people, for example, will find a reason to reject you if they decide they don't like you. If you're trying to fit in with a group of fools, you're going to end up feeling like a fool.

Thank you. This really helped me. Same with what Gritches said. I think I need to focus on self-improvement above everything else at the moment.

 

[janetanfei]

You can do it! Be the best you you can be, and things will start to fall into place.

 

[Optimus]

Hey Austin,

No problem identifying with caring too much about what other people think of me and of being too nice. I tend to over-empathise in situations and put myself into situations where I can end up hurt. I often end up feeling that things are somehow my fault and that I need to somehow "fix" things. It ends up with me not really knowing what my rights are in a situation (if any of that makes any sense?).

I guess, in part, the reason is that I am trying to work out what the correct response expected by society should be in such situations. I am, in some ways, "acting" or "faking it to make it". It makes me very confused, angry, frustrated and vulnerable, unable to vocalise or express what I am actually feeling. I am always second guessing myself, trying (and often failing) to read people and overcompensating to make sure I don't get into trouble.

Part of the reason may also be low self esteem / self worth so that I prioritise the needs and wants of others above mine, to the point that I get lost. However, to be honest, as I don't always know the rights and wrongs of a situation, or at least I am never sure I have found it easier, in the past, to appease / mollify / smooth a situation. I realise now how detrimental that is to me now.

I find it very difficult to forge relationships with women as I am terrible at reading situations and also I have an inherent belief that I offer no-one anything. In relationships I find it like a minefield as I am never sure of the right or wrong thing to say or do (with added emotions!!). Insecurity fueled by my condition (Autobot FTW!!). Relationships terrify me as I place so much misplaced expectations on myself.

I guess the silver lining in all this for me is that now that I have my Asperger's diagnosis (confirmed 2 months ago) it helps me to start to make sense of some of this and to begin to work out different approaches.

 

[The Penguin]

I find caring what people thinks prevent people doing things they want to do in life which is why I stop caring.

 

[MrSpock]

I can definitely relate where it comes to women I'm attracted to. I sometimes wonder if I'm attracted to problem women, I definitely find people with disorders to be more interesting than most. I don't intend to give up on romance, but a lot of the time I find the idea of pursuing romance to be depressing and I'm discouraged. Most of the time I don't feel that it's worthwhile as it's not going to work while I'm depressed about it. When I am in a mood that would allow it to work (if I could get past my inability to read non-verbal cues and understand hints) there isn't usually someone I'm attracted to available, so it's pretty rare that I even try any more. I don't exactly expect to find someone ever, but I feel even worse about the idea of giving up. The older I get, the worse the idea of spending the rest of my life by myself seems.

 

[WereBear]

The people who are passing you up are assholes, I don't need to tell you that, but stick to your principles and the good people will come. It's just a numbers game.

It helps to be ourselves because we are not offering any false expectations. If people reject for being ourselves, they are doing the work for us!

CaptainAwkward.com has some invaluable advice for such situations.

 

[OkRad]

Hi Austin! I love your posts. They are always meaty.

You are nice because you ARE nice and that won't change. Do you know how many people have to FAKE to be nice? You are lucky to really be nice and not have to fake it. BEcause when people get to know fake people, they don't like that.

I am nice, too, and it can piss me off at times because it affords me very little protection. Smile all the time. Axe murderer? OH HI! Let's go to TEA!!! I have gotten into the worst situations of abuse and all sorts of things. I literally have to ask relatives what is safe these day and even actions.....is the appropriate? I am ZERO self confidence.

HOwever, once when I tried to be meaner I DEEPLY regretted it. A friend had just endured a terrible trauma and was acting odd because they were sad but they told NO ONE. They just came to work etc........well, I was thinking they were offended at me because when you are neurodiverse, you ALWAYS assume you are screwing up somewhere!!!!

So I was not MEAN because I can't be mean, so I just started to pull away AT THE VERY TIME THEY NEEDED KINDNESS!!! When I found out what happened I kicked my self from hell to breakfast as they say. I resumed being nice and they were so glad and told me I made them smile at that time.

Imagine my shame when I realized!!

So now I stay nice and if someone is mean to me, well, F them. It's better to be the one to whom people are mean than the one doing it.

Thank you for sparking my brain today, Austin!

 

[Judge]

I find caring what people thinks prevent people doing things they want to do in life which is why I stop caring.

There's some truth in that. Peer pressure can be so pervasive that so often people end up doing what they perceive others want them to do, as opposed to what they really want to pursue in life.

I know I did. Continually seeking to "do the right thing". Which usually translated into the right thing for the masses perhaps, but the wrong thing for me.

The only two people in my social orbit have yet to openly criticize my lifestyle, but I'm sure they are thinking, "When is he going to get 'a real job' and live with people like everyone else?"

 

[SteveH]

Maybe you ARE just a horrible jerk and just make your-self believe that you are a nice guy JOKE JOKE JOKE!!! No, I'm just describing myself (that is a joke as well!) Seriously, Janetanfei makes great points. It is extra hard for some autistic spectrum people because we socially act differently --sometimes in unconscious ways. I think is is harder and there is a smaller pool of compatible people for a lot of us to begin with. So it may create a higher percentage of rejections for every success. A story to make a point. I was friends with this dude in college. He had sex with the most women on campus. My dorm room was near his and I saw it myself. It was in the metal-hair-glam band days and he had the hair and was a heavy-metal guitarist etc. AND he was a STUD. After I got to know him, I discovered his secret. He simply propositioned more women than anyone--maybe ever!! He probably had the highest rejection rate in the known universe. He did not care. Rejection did NOT bother him. Believe me-we can not be this guy. But don't worry about the people who reject you. Maybe it is a win-win and that person is also doing you a favor and allowing you to find the right match sooner.

 

[ksheehan88]

Keep being a nice guy Austin. The right people will love you for you not for who they think you should be.

 

[Questella]

I'm nice personally but on the surface people tell me I come across as stuck-up. Maybe it keeps many people from trying to approach me too much but at the same time I hope it allows me to avoid a lot of pain. I am the complete opposite of stuck up I think. I'm completely self-conscience and scared most of the time. And I always try to be civil to anyone. Even the ones that straight would deserve me telling them off. I don't because I know it won't get me anywhere and I can't be mean in the right way. Somehow nts know how to be mean to each other without offending or hurting themselves. They just fit it in with all their weird social cues. If I try I just come off as a complete jackass.

 

[Adora]

I understand what your going through,I have people take advantage of my niceness and I have also been completely ignored by a lot of people in my life which doesn't affect me anymore,I have also sadly attracted a lot of what you would call predatory people in my life who saw my niceness as a weakness and used that opportunity to take advantage of me,but I usually keep to myself a lot and and don't let many people in,besides my husband and brother I don't talk much to people.