Catch 22

[Naruto Kurosaki]

If you can and you don't mind, would you like to share any experiences you've had with catch 22 or bullying situations?

As I mentioned on one of my posts in my introduction thread:

'Since then my mother and I have been searching for help, and I've been moving between a couple of forums trying to search for help that I can cope with, >.<. In fact one of the reasons why I contacted a forum was actually due to an awkward situation with a friend of mine on Facebook from school being a 'good' friend of a bully of mine at school alongside me, >.<. I didn't state what happened in words on the forum, but I got some mixed opinions. In the end, I spent several months trying to find out if she was genuine or not by finding out what she thought about me being bullied. She agreed with a lot of what I said, but then I noticed a shocking message where my bully actually made her a meal and my friend was praising him. That tipped me over the top, I had an emotional breakdown there and then and it caused deep depression, and I sent a message on my emails to her stating what he did, but the moment I mentioned about the bully, she wrote to my mother accusing my asperger's syndrome (AS) for it, but that's not fair, he took advantage of me when I was alone in the class. Someone else in the class knew I was bullied, but they didn't bully me, and yet, this other person did, that shows that it has nothing to do with me, it's their character.'

This friend was from my primary school, she was one of the only people to talk to me friendly in primary. Unfortunately, as I explained on my post under my blog entry, when my 'friend', the one that betrayed me by laughing at me, and I were split apart on opposite sides of the class, I had moved away from that girl who was at the back of the class and moved to the front, two empty chairs away from two of my bullies. I was clearly alone, but they couldn't care less about that and continued to bully me. Now, the sticky situation I'm in now is the fact that that bully and friend went to the same secondary school. That friend and her family always used to send us Christmas cards, and not long ago I contacted her on Facebook, we became friends and I even saw her face-to-face by meeting her with my mother three times. The problem has been that when I found out that friend and my bully were friends, I had a breakdown and it started to make me depressed again as I could sense the affects of time and how it always takes things away from me, . The fact of the time it had taken for them to strengthen that friendship while I was in dire straits due to the bullying I was subjected to. Anyway, long story short, she praised him for a meal he made her as I stated above, and because of that, it shook me to my very core, I couldn't hold back any longer. My mother wrote to her telling her about this bully, and I sent her a message about him as well. It was sent off in desperation so there were spelling mistakes and such, but I felt I had to, I couldn't hold back any longer. Everything got so much harder after that.

I have been put into a catch 22 situation, if I were to accept my friend and my bully, I'd be constantly seeing my bully's face in my friend's and the words she'd be saying to me from then on would carry next to no weight, but if I were to leave, I'd be causing myself intense pain for having lost a friend. To be honest, she even told me various things before she wrote to mum accusing my AS, she said phrases to me that would tell me how she would feel in a situation like mine, and she could see where I was coming from, it sounded like she'd do the same thing as me. By that I could assume that if she was in my shoes she'd feel no different than me, right? She expects me to just accept that they are best friends alongside me. That's a very rocky road, and one I think I couldn't travel. I cannot lie to myself, and if I were to continue, I would be. I cannot hide this pain, it's immense. When you are bullied, you cannot simply hide it under the carpet and forget it, I certainly know I couldn't. I will not fight it, there is no point, pain only begets more pain, because if I did, I'd be no better than that bully was to me, so I have to just accept it and change, as what other choice do I have if I want to stay true to my feelings? See how cruel life can be? I have to be the one to make the decision considering that he bullied me, talk about twisted, but I'm not out for vengeance, though I cannot continue by lying to myself as that's a betrayal of my feelings.

Anyway, it's typical that the moment I mention who one of my bullies were, being her friend, and the affect it had on me, she took it out on my AS, saying that he's grown up now. It matters not because of several reasons. One reason is that when you're on the spectrum, or especially me, I cannot forget pain. Someone else on another forum was about 31 and yet they are still affected by pains of their past, how could I be any different I ask myself? Another thing, if this other person in class knew I was bullied, and yet didn't bully me, then there should have been no reason why my bully bullied me, surely? Then why did he? If everything is done for a reason, what was his reason? Well, whatever the case, I could never think of my bully in a different way as that other person that knew I was bullied, didn't bully me. Okay, so maybe she ignored me at school, but at least she didn't bully me, but he did. Do I have to just forget that? I cannot, how can I, especially when I want to stay true to myself? That doesn't make sense to me, >.<. She didn't even know what he was like in primary school as she was sitting at the back of the class and he was at the front and yet, I saw it from both sides, his and hers, and I know for a fact that neither were alike. She was friendly, he was horrible, and yet, they were the same age, that tells a lot about both of their characters.

To blame my AS isn't fair, there are people out there that are bullied because of prejudice because of who they are or what they look like, I am not like that, I have never been. I would never bully anyone for who they are or what they look like. In fact, there was an incident in the same year that bully bullied me that involved the fact that I don't judge people on the way they look, but it ended up working against me, long story.

Whatever the case, I doubt I'll be able to look at her face now, and even the concept of looking at Facebook is bringing back horrible memories, I don't think I have much of a choice. I don't want to lie to myself, but I need to find alternatives so I'm searching the internet to find new, more genuine friendships, . So that's what led me to this website, I hope to be able to find new friends around my age, they don't have to be from the UK, but if there is anyone in the UK looking for a friend, that would be even better, .

 

[Daniel]

I feel for you. I've recently been through some major friendship dissolution, and it's not easy. But when things change and you can't even think about that person without it causing you stress, yeah, that's a sign that you need move on.

Glad you came here! I hope you meet some nice, good people, as hard as that can be.

 

[Naruto Kurosaki]

Hi Daniel

Thank you for your reply, .

Thank you as well for your kind words, it's nice to know I'm not alone when experiencing these difficult social conflictions, :unsure:, . Yeah, it certainly isn't easy, but it's typical, for me it's all the horrors of my past linking together. Still, I can't think back on that, it'll only fill me with more pain, so it's trying to find friendships that are more genuine. It's genuine friendships that I think are important, especially when you're on the spectrum, at least that's my belief. To find friends that are caring and genuine I think is of great importance, that's why I'm very interested in Chinese zodiac signs. I'm trying to find people that would match my zodiac sign. I know I'm the metal goat, and I know the sign that gets along with mine the most would be the pig sign, and the next would be the rabbit which is my mother's sign, and apparently the horse can get along with my sign just as much as the rabbit, so I'm looking for those that match my sign to guarantee a good chance for social interaction. I've always been cautious in social interaction, but I also find it so difficult at the same time. I'm always interested in finding new friends, but at the same time, I find it difficult, it can even be a little difficult across the internet, but I can say that it's far more easier for me to communicate across the internet as I don't have other people's eyes staring at me expectantly, :unsure:.

Yeah, I thought it would be best to move on, that's not easy for me considering I have great social difficulties, but I have no choice. I have to use the internet as it's the best way I can talk to others. In a sense, like the bedroom door was to my education, the internet is to the way I prefer to socialise.

Thank you for the welcome, and I do hope I can find some good friends on here, .

Am I being too personal by asking you of your own experience, and are you able to tell me of your own experience?

Anyway, thanks again for your response, .

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I feel for you. I've recently been through some major friendship dissolution, and it's not easy. But when things change and you can't even think about that person without it causing you stress, yeah, that's a sign that you need move on.

Glad you came here! I hope you meet some nice, good people, as hard as that can be.

That's pretty much what I would say. I have had friends and so called friends come and go all my life. Life moves on you can't stop its flow.

I still carry hurt from when I was in high school and a target. I have much hurt from when I became an adult. It will never stop in your life.

Your best bet I think is to see a professional and work out some strategies to put this behind you. It will happen time and again and if you can't let it go you will crumble under the weight of everyone else's ass hole ness. There are many many ass holes out there that want to make you their whipping boy. I had to leave my last job because of one said ass hole.

Don't put too much weight on zodiacs. I used to mega into them but I found that you can see what you want in them. Even chinese ones. You can't judge a friend by these things. You will be cutting off potential good friends before they even get a chance.

 

[Naruto Kurosaki]

Thank you for your reply, .

Yeah, I understand and know that being hurt in life will not stop and I can only imagine the type of pain you must have felt in the face of those cruel people around you, but that's why I need to think about what to do in each situation as I believe that between awareness and obliviousness, awareness is the lesser of two pains. At least when you're aware you may be able to soften the blow before it hits you. I did that with my primary school friend to find out what she believed and then found out if she still believed what they told me after I confessed who one of my bullies were, considering they were one of her best friends. She sounded like she would do the same thing as me, so in some senses that has reassured me that I am not wrong for what I believe in staying true to myself.

The whole time I was being taught from behind my bedroom door because I could not cope with face-to-face interaction since I had a breakdown at school when I was diagnosed at 14. My mother went to five years of meetings involving the professionals, psychologists, psychiatrists, and none of them wanted to help. I know as well that there are very few professionals in Britain that are trained in autism, and it is a study that is not considered mandatory, so they aren't even obliged to learn about the spectrum. We on the spectrum always tend to 'fall through the net' in Britain so I doubt that 'professionals' would be able to help me as if they have no understanding of AS, how could they be expected to help me? Someone on another forum also has difficulties with psychiatrists and psychologists and they are also on the spectrum, and in the UK, how could I be any different?

This bully that is best friends with my primary school friend brings back too many awful memories, and he was even in the same class when someone embarrassed me through bullying me and he was involved in it. He was bullying me ever since that happened to me until the end of primary. I cannot forget the pain he caused me after that debilitating incident, and I couldn't lie to myself by saying that I have got over it as the affects of what that embarrassing incident had on me lasted for many years since. I always wonder what others might think in my shoes, so I asked my primary school friend whether she could see where I was coming from, and she did, but since then she's backtracking on what she told me. I wonder what others would do in my shoes if they were embarrassed in class and had been affected by it for years since, and even missed out on potentially opening up to someone in their secondary school, so ever since then you had been torturing yourself over the fact that you didn't speak to them when you felt you could have had you not been hurt the way you had before.

Yeah, I know there are plenty of cruel and horrible people out there, I've met my share at school as I'm sure many others have, and it's not something easy to come to terms with, nor is it something to cover. You shouldn't really cover your pains from the past, but use them for knowledge for the future. After all I've said this before, that knowledge is wisdom. The knowledge of my past brings awareness for my future.

Oh and when it comes to zodiac signs, I understand what you're saying and no I won't entirely compare people to zodiac signs, but I do know that my cousin has found someone with a matching zodiac sign and they've stayed together ever since, and my sister has equally found someone of her matching zodiac sign as well. It might be that you may say that they are lucky, but I'd rather review my options with this in mind then rush head long into danger. We take knowledge and comfort from wherever we find it. One exception to the rule of perfect zodiac signs would be my maternal grandparents, but they always used to have major rows, and my grandfather always had to back down because of it. I wouldn't want to risk a similar problem, okay, so they were together for a long time until just after their golden wedding anniversary when unfortunately my grandfather died, but they had to make compromises. Even my mother and father had problems due to their zodiac incompatibility as well. Why should I have to make compromises when I could try to find someone that matches my sign? In friendship, zodiac signs can be a bit more lax so I won't worry too much in friendships, but in more involving social interactions then I believe Chinese zodiac may have some credibility for me for now.

 

[wyverary]

One thing I have learned that is VERY important to remember is that who someone was in school—especially as young as primary school—is not necessarily how they turn out as adults. Even as horrible as a kid may have been, they sometimes (but not always) mature into decent human beings. The vast majority of people I still know from that age, I could never have guessed that they would turn out as they did. That is an awfully long time to be holding a grudge, when it all happened at that young of an age. How long out of school are you all?