Cats-

[tapian]

Is anyone experiencing frustration to their AS partners overwhelming interest in animals....namely cats? My bf has 3 and shows them way too much attention when I go over to his house, which is an hour away and we dont see that much of each other.

 

[Neat Hedgehog]

Also going on what you said in the other thread to avoid derailing it...

I have always been curious as to the interpretation of liking cats as making a person "feminine." A preference of pet type has nothing to do with your gender.

Also, as someone who was extremely devoted his cat, I think I should say that telling him to get rid of them may be just a bit more insulting than you realize. They may not be important to you, but your value system is obviously not going to be the same as his. You need to try to understand how important they are to him instead of just being concerned about how they make you feel. Quite frankly, had anyone told me I "had" to get rid of my cat, be it a girlfriend, family member, or friend, I'd have shown them the door.

As to feeling slighted by his interest in them... maybe that's not how he sees it. It reminds me of Leo's story about Froggy from Lethal Weapon 4. "...you're not better friends than Froggy, you're just different...." That's how it was with my cat. Nobody will ever be a better friend than he was, they will just be different. It's not that my human friends are less important, it's that all my friends are equally important. If they feel slighted because their "competition" is a cat, a fish, a duck, or anything not human, well, tough crap. They obviously don't understand me if it makes them upset and they can't tell how important they all are to me. My non-human friends aren't threatened by them and doesn't try to make me choose between things I love, so at that point I would in fact regard the non-human more highly.

Just thought I could add a little perspective from the opposite side.

 

[tapian]

I asked him to put them outside not actually get rid of them, and the fact that he hasn't shows me that my welfare isn't his first priority. I am very allergic to them on top of having asthma so yeah not exactly very pleasant going to his place. I am not upset that he likes cats, but when he puts an animal before me and seems to be more interested in them it's a bit concerning. For example, his grandmother passed away and it was upsetting for him but when one of his four cats passed he was more upset than I had ever seen him...he kept a piece of his fur which I find rather disturbing. And as far as feminine goes in relation to cat obsession, I don't believe it is masculine for a guy to pamper a pet cat and talk to them in a high pitched voice and name them things like "ooter" "hubert" and "flou flou".....call me weird lol

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

For example, his grandmother passed away and it was upsetting for him but when one of his four cats passed he was more upset than I had ever seen him...he kept a piece of his fur which I find rather disturbing. And as far as feminine goes in relation to cat obsession, I don't believe it is masculine for a guy to pamper a pet cat and talk to them in a high pitched voice and name them things like "ooter" "hubert" and "flou flou".....call me weird lol

If you're unhappy at his effeminate nature, why are you with him? You won't be able to change that.

 

[Neat Hedgehog]

I asked him to put them outside not actually get rid of them, and the fact that he hasn't shows me that my welfare isn't his first priority. I am very allergic to them on top of having asthma so yeah not exactly very pleasant going to his place.

Well, that's more understandable; I wish you had mentioned that before. Do they ever go outside, or are they indoor cats, though? If it's an urban environment, it might not be safe, especially if they don't go out much. He could at least put them in another room, I would imagine. It will get to be more of an issue, though, one way or another.

I am not upset that he likes cats, but when he puts an animal before me and seems to be more interested in them it's a bit concerning. For example, his grandmother passed away and it was upsetting for him but when one of his four cats passed he was more upset than I had ever seen him...he kept a piece of his fur which I find rather disturbing.

At least he didn't have him stuffed (people do that... can't imagine why, that is beyond creepy to me). But seriously, I can understand that, too. How often did he did her? A few years ago both my grandfathers died of various afflictions. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't terribly upset. I mean, realistically, I saw them maybe a few times a year? My cat, on the other hand, was with me almost every day for ten years, so I was way more upset when he died. The difference was similar to the death of a casual acquaintance versus the death of your brother you grew up with half your life.

And as far as feminine goes in relation to cat obsession, I don't believe it is masculine for a guy to pamper a pet cat and talk to them in a high pitched voice and name them things like "ooter" "hubert" and "flou flou".....call me weird lol

Some cats respond to it. To me it has always seemed less feminine and more like actually making an attempt to successfully interact with a creature who has no means of understanding more than a few spoken words (quite opposed to the stereotype, a cat can understand a couple dozen words quite well). Not how I interacted with mine, but some do seem to like it.

Does he do anything else that seems "feminine" though? What's the balance like?

For instance, I engage in plenty of stereotypically "manly" pastimes, shooting pool, playing poker, working / driving big / fast / loud cars, and listening to heavy metal bands. Then, in an about-face, I will show you my collection of dolls, listen to cutesy J-pop techno, watch dress-designer competition series, even cosplay as a girl for an anime convention. Do I think I'm "feminine" or a "sissy" for doing those things? Nope, I just think they're fun. If anyone gives me the business because of them, I say let's go a few rounds (in the spirit of sport, of course) and see what they think after that.

 

[code-e]

I think that cats are adorable

 

[Sparticus]

Strong men are gentle to animals. Weak men might be harsh to animals. My female friend is like you. She's attracted to macho guys. But she doesn't understand that some guys who walk around with puffed up chests don't know how to defend themselves. I know humble, quiet, animal lovers who are either amatuer fighters or professional trainers. They can make tough guys look feminine...

As War Vets told me-"sometimes the most quiet, timid men acted bravely saving the lives of others." Perhaps a macho pretending to be a tough guy is better suited for you? Btw I've had cats a good part of my life. My female friend did not like my cat, verbalized I paid too much attention to my cat when she was around, often stated "it's only a cat" and sometimes probably did not think I was macho per my gentleness with my cat.

A strong man is not afraid to act weak or vulnerable. But a weak man always pretends to be strong

And as far as feminine goes in relation to cat obsession, I don't believe it is masculine for a guy to pamper a pet cat and talk to them in a high pitched voice and name them things like "ooter" "hubert" and "flou flou".....call me weird lol

 

[Spinning Compass]

I have cats, and while I appreciate that not everyone likes cats or other animals, I would not continue to date a person who had issues with my animals. If I were allergic to animals I certainly would not be interested in starting a relationship with someone who did have animals because ultimately it would not work out. Maybe some would see that as putting my animals before them, but my animals were in my life before they came into it and I am not setting them aside just for someone new. That is asking a lot of any animal lover. It sounds like there are some fundamental incompatibilities here and you might be well advised to rethink this relationship.

It's really not fair to go into a relationship with someone where there are major differences and try to change them to suit your way of thinking or living. It won't work and all it will do is cause resentment. For example, I do not smoke. I can't stand the smell of it. So I don't date people who smoke. Because that's an issue that I don't see any way of compromising on. There are plenty of people out there who don't have an issue with it, and that's fine. They can date each other. But I do have an issue with it and it would be the smoker that would end up making all the concessions--don't smoke in the house, don't smoke in the car, and so forth. I can insist on those things and it might work for a while, but the bottom line is that I do not like it, I do not like being around it, I don't like kissing or being held by someone who smells of smoke, and that's just not going to change. Same with anything else. If one party feels that they have to make all the concessions just to keep the other party happy, that relationship is on shaky ground because it will never be a relationship of equals but a continuing tug-of-war that will only escalate in time.

 

[Perry Holia Kerrith]

I have a bit of personal insight to add here, having a deep rooted respect and admiration for cats. A lot of it probably comes from the fact that cats embody a lot of what I inspire to; they are free from human socio-political concerns (obviously), carry on a symbiotic and constantly adaptive relationship with their environment, and are forever beyond control or constraint.

But another significant piece of the puzzle is that I still have a cat who has been with my family since before I was born. When even my family seemed to change to the point where I couldn't understand them, nor they me, her I could always count on. In my eyes, Rosie is one of the few constants in what is otherwise a tempest of change and reckless destruction. Something like that cannot simply be set aside with light abandon.

Which is not to say that everyone is of the same opinion or experience. This is simply what I feel about the subject.

 

[tapian]

Allow me to reiterate what I said about wanting him to get rid of the cats. We have since come to the agreement that if we are married he will put the cats outside. I think he should do it now and that my comfort should come first but obviously its not and that will always be hurtful to me but his cats are like an unhealthy part of his lifestyle that he cant live without right now. Like a drug only not as destructive. Just destructive and hurtful to our relationship. Besides the fact that the house smells to the point that I believe it to be unhealthy living conditions for both he and the 4 cats. He shares a bathroom with them which consists of a toilet that faces three litter boxes so you cant help but inhale the fecal aroma while trying to use the toilet. one cat is locked in a small laundry room 24/7 because he is old and from my bf's twisted perspective its supposed to be good for the cat to be kept in solitary confinement because he is not sociable.....even though the cat constantly meows begging to be let out. Used to keep the cat in a cage for "therapeutic reasons" I had to fight to end that but at least I made that much headway. I don't think any cat should be confined to a house since they are the most independent of animals and sit and stare outside the window for a good percentage of their lifespan when kept indoors. I believe they should be in their natural environment. Almost as sad and keeping a bird in a cage,. So yeah hopefully you can understand my concern. Thanks for the feedback.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Well, I think you ought to reread what you just wrote. You say "that will always be hurtful to me but his cats are like an unhealthy part of his lifestyle that he can't live without right now . . . just destructive and hurtful to our relationship." Think about it. Do you really think that you can go into a marriage KNOWING that this is how you feel and that it will not change and that the two of you will somehow miraculously live happily ever after? Perhaps you need to wake up and smell the coffee.

Now, if you want to spend the rest of your life and/or time together fighting over things that he is not willing to change, it is your life. Personally I feel life is much too short for that kind of crap and drama. Because it sounds like you are in a power struggle with him and if not the cats it would be something else. I also wonder, how long would it be before HE comes to his senses and decides the same thing, that life is much too short and there are plenty of other people out there who will accept him and his cats. I'm just saying. Because I can guarantee the resentment is not all on YOUR side. Just because some people don't show or express their feelings doesn't mean they don't have them. And resentment can fester for years before it suddenly explodes.

Quite frankly, I would consider it quite rude if someone came into my life, claiming to love me, claiming to want to have a relationship with me, and then started trying to change something about me that they knew right from the start. Don't go there. It IS rude. You say that "your comfort should come first." Then DON'T date a man who has animals if you are allergic to them. Case closed. I don't like smoking, therefore I don't date smokers. I don't start up a relationship with a guy that I know smokes and then try to make his life miserable by objecting to the smoke. At that point he would have every right to say, "Then why are you with me? What do you want with me?" Are you prepared to answer that question should your boyfriend ask that of you?

 

[Spinning Compass]

Also, it sounds like you resent the cats and no matter what your boyfriend does, short of getting rid of them, is going to make you happy. And I don't think you are being entirely honest with him or with yourself or even with us about that. It's simply not fair. First you say "We've since come to the agreement that once we are married he would put the cats outside." Ok. You made an agreement. NOW you are saying "I think he should do it now." That is called "Moving the Goalposts" and it is not cool, not at all. I don't know about him, but I would have major trust issues with someone who pulled it on me. Because they would only get to pull that once and get away with it. The second time, well, don't let the door hit you where you sit down. You might want to stop and think. There is a name for people, especially women, who come into other people's lives and start trying to take away what is important to them and it isn't a very nice one.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Finally, what are YOU willing to give up that is important to you in order to "save" this relationship? You say he should put you first, well, it works both ways. If he has to give up his cats for the sake of the relationship then you should be willing to make an equally important sacrifice. Whatever it is. Maybe it is your family that he can't stand. Maybe it is a favorite show. Or food. The Internet. Games. Doesn't matter. It has to be something very precious to you that he does not approve of, and it has to go. That is only fair.

How he treats his cats is another matter, and no, I don't think he is being entirely fair to the one that is isolated, but remember, first of all, they are his cats and he knows them better. Secondly, whatever credibility you might have in the matter is lost simply by the fact that you don't like them in the first place. In his eyes, nothing he does short of getting rid of them is going to satisfy you so why should he listen? Your "concern" for their well-being doesn't sound sincere. Cats who have never been outside are perfectly happy living inside and they certainly have longer, healthier lives. An indoor cat who is "forced" to go outside runs a very real risk of getting run over, attacked by dogs, getting stuck in places--are you aware of this? Or is that exactly what you are hoping for, that once outside, they will disappear? If so, again, that's not very honest of you and your "boyfriend" deserves better.

 

[JC1986]

I am seeing a guy with AS and I think it is adorable how much he loves and cares for his pet cat!!! I won't lie that at first it bothered me until the cat started growing on me as well! He would text me pictures of his cat all of the time saying she was his "little baby". Now If a guy was abusing his cats then I would be worried! Knowing how well he takes care of his cat let me know that he can take care of other things which he cares about. He is by far the most affectionate man I have ever been with! Don't get me wrong, he he can pull back and need his space at any given time and I am cool with that! He could be cuddling me watching a movie but once the kitty jumps onto the bed he's gotta give her some love too! At first his cat was super shy and I was so afraid that if his cat did not approve of me, then he wouldn't. It took 3 visits to his place for his cat to get used to me. The first visit she would jump up onto the bed to check me out but then run back under his bed! By the 3rd visit I had spent the night and woke up to his cat on top of me wanting attention from me and my guy happy and smiling saying "Oh look she likes you!" I know it might seem annoying to you how he is with his cats but keep in mind that some people with AS might be closer to their animals. Animals are not judging them the way other people might have been doing to him his entire life.

 

[Sparticus]

Cats! Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...they come into your life, sleep on your keyboard, interupt your phone calls with nonessential purrs
and then have the gull to ask for catnip. Catnip@! Are you friggin kidding me...wasn't that once banned by the Federal anti-cat Govt?

 

[tapian]

spinning compass obviously you believe that animals should be on a higher level than your signifigant other. When we first talked online he talked about putting the cats outside so I gave it a chance. It hasn't happened and I am beginning to think he doesn't care enough about me to make obviously needed changes. Maybe people with AS just don't realize what a huge obstacle a stupid thing like a pet obsession can be to a relationship. Oh well all you cat lovers who can't see how hurtful and disfunctional this can be. Your loss. Have a happy life with your cats. As lonely as it will be.

 

[Soup]

I asked him to put them outside not actually get rid of them, and the fact that he hasn't shows me that my welfare isn't his first priority. I am very allergic to them on top of having asthma so yeah not exactly very pleasant going to his place. I am not upset that he likes cats, but when he puts an animal before me and seems to be more interested in them it's a bit concerning. For example, his grandmother passed away and it was upsetting for him but when one of his four cats passed he was more upset than I had ever seen him...he kept a piece of his fur which I find rather disturbing. And as far as feminine goes in relation to cat obsession, I don't believe it is masculine for a guy to pamper a pet cat and talk to them in a high pitched voice and name them things like "ooter" "hubert" and "flou flou".....call me weird lol

There are several things going on here that I can see. First, there's the matter of your allergies. Did you know this guy had several cats at his place when you got involved with him? Another thing, is there something you can take for you allergies before going over? Even if he were to put them out (my cats have always been indoor cats who never go beyond the back yard or balcony) the house is filled with the invisible pet dander that triggers allergies in the first place.

Please do not place him in a position wherein he has to 'prove' his love for you by sacrificing the well being of his cats. Anyone who ever gave me an explicit or implicit "It's me or them" ultimatum would be out the door in a hurry. I take it that he lives there & you do not & have no plans to move in, right? Why not meet each other for dates at your place or go elsewhere together?

My son also is a cat lover & I would never view his treatment of his cat through the narrow-minded lens of prescribed norms of masculinity & femininity. Much harm has been done to both men and women in the name of rigid (foolish & non-scientific) gender prescriptions & proscriptions. It is NOT a question of anyone calling you weird & labeling you, it is a matter of NOT labeling either of you. Much of what gets labeled in the name of gender speaks to a subtext of homophobia: any behaviours that a man exhibits that are not stereotypically hyper-masculine get him labeled as effeminate. The labels become increasingly pejorative from there.

Could it be possible that you are somewhat jealous of his relationship with his cats? If so, you may have to deal with that internally: he cannot change your feelings & he shouldn't have to change his treatment of his pets in his own home. You may need to find yourself a guy who doesn't have pets since you are asthmatic & allergic to them: he just may not be a good match for you.

 

[AspieSam]

Nope! I'm not surprised at all though. Ever read ALL Cat's have Asperger's Syndrome?! If not, you seriously should! It's a best seller for GREAT reasons !

 

[Zack]

I asked him to put them outside not actually get rid of them, and the fact that he hasn't shows me that my welfare isn't his first priority.

What do you mean your welfare? Those cats deserve to live in their own house. They are the ones who can't take care of themselves.

You can't just 'put them outside.' They are housecats. They live inside and can suffer injury, sickness, or death if just 'put outside.'