Okay, so I'm going to ramble a bit here, bear with me.
As I've mentioned before, I came out as trans earlier this year (though that's not what this is really going to be about). Since then, my overall depression and terrible mood finally started to really show some cracks, and pieces of that rotted mask I've worn for so long started to fall off. The signs of improvement have become obvious at this point. Look at this:
This might not look like anything special, but it is. It's an organization / storage solution for one of my favorite card games (which is also one of the biggest things in my board gaming collection). Previously this was all stored in many separate boxes, a couple of which you can see in the back there. But I decided it was time to actually properly organize them. Like, REALLY organize them. It's turned into a whole giant project, complete with me setting up custom dividers, as you can see there (with my terrible handwriting on each). I've been working on this for a week or so now.
What's so special about that, you may ask? Simple: Previous to now, I would *never* have thought to do something like this. Me, do a project... of my own accord... that is about organizing something? What a ridiculous thought! It's not just that though. See that desk there? How do I put this... have you ever seen those shows where they show like, a house owned by someone with hoarding problems, and it's just this hideous disaster? Well, it was kinda like that, except entirely concentrated on just that table. Darned thing was nearly unusable, and I"d just shove things around to make room when it was board gaming time (though this meant that some of the larger games just could not work on it). Seriously, it was bad. But recently, I just abruptly decided to deal with it. COMPLETELY cleaned it off, got everything that was on it put wherever it needed to go. And now here I am, working on that thing there.
I've always been disorganized, messy, and so on, and that had always sorta seemed... inherent. But I've had the realization that depression had a lot more effects on me than I'd realized, and that some of my tendencies were likely fueled, at least in part, by that. This project, that table... previously I simply did not care. That's why I never organized: I could not bother to care. Because of depression. But as that begins to crumble... suddenly I do care. For the first time in... ever. It aint perfect, mind you. There's some very old habits that are still in place. But finally, I've started fighting back against those, trying to break them, when previously I would not have. I seriously had not really realized just how DEEP the effects of depression went. The realization was... startling. It gave me a lot to think about, too. Pondering it as it applies to others, for instance.
But I've also realized that my gender issues were not the ONLY source of it all. There are other sources, though I'd not cared enough to analyze them before now. And I realized some important things. The big one is that I realized I have a major problem with the idea of self-expression. In that, for the most part, I dont allow myself to do it. Take my room, for instance. Well, any room that has ever been mine in any house prior to this one. The decor, the style, always dictated by family... never by me. As a kid, I never really quite had control. I had very few friends, back then, and my mom was very determined that I get some. My autism wasnt known at all at the time... that diagnosis wouldnt come till after college... so all that was known was that I tended to stand out. She decided that if I were to fit in more... get squashed in that box that many here are familiar with... I might make more friends at school. She tried constantly to instill in me habits that would get me to that point (which included keeping my room "normal", among other things). She meant well... she really did... but she's the type of person who never *quite* realizes the end results of her actions until much later. Of course, none of this worked out the way she wanted. It started to instill some habits, yes, but not the ones she wanted. I started to shut down. A lack of creativity and such, because I would not allow that. It wasnt ALL her doing... a lot of it was further instilled after school was done with. College, and then my working period, just worsened it. Gotta squeeze into that box there, cant stand out, nope...
This has made it a bit harder to progress with my gender stuff, because in order to do that, I have to break out of that ancient habit... to "present" differently, you know. And to have something resembling a style of my own, something I've never had (the exception being my keychain). It also affects my art as well, that's something else I realized. I tend to keep most of the things I make to myself. Because they're too creepy, or too weird, or whatever. I like creepy & weird, but that breaks the norm too much, so I hide it all. But it's been very bizarre to see, suddenly, how people around me react to some of it. I made this one thing recently, which I've not shown on here. I just call it "The Charred Heart", and it's definitely one of the odder things I made. My stepmother found it randomly (I forgot to put it away) and decided it was amazing. She just loved it. I hadnt intended to show it to anyone at all, figured nobody would like it whatsoever, but to my surprise, that wasnt true. I've found that, as I start to allow these things about myself to show, people dont react to it in quite the way I thought they would. Suddenly, it's okay to have a style of some sort. Even my surroundings here... this room aint like any other I've ever had. I've shown it before, the "theater room". I aint the one who made it... that'd be the previous owners... but it suits me well, so I've refused to change it.
Beyond that, the other major thing I realized recently was that I needed to start getting rid of some of the negativity in my life, and also change how I looked at some things. Like, Youtube for instance... I'll not go into just what triggered it, but I realized that I was still fairly deep into the negative/shocking drama stuff. If you've been on the platform enough, you know what I mean. I sat down and took a long look at my subscription list... there was a distressing number of problematic channels in there. I hadnt REALLY noticed just how much troubling content I was consuming... it may not be the hyper-toxicity of social media, but it's still trouble. And ya know what... I decided that enough was enough. Time to take my own blasted advice and dump that nonsense. It aint helping, it's only hurting. So out it goes. I removed like 75% of my subscription list, leaving in only positive stuff or hobby-related stuff, you know, enjoyable things. I seriously just had no bloody clue just how deep that infection had run.
I also decided that it was time to sort of try new things, and re-try old things. Reconsider things that maybe I'd avoided for bloody stupid reasons. Like my phone for instance. Used to think phones were terrible, right, but then I got the Samsung on a whim, decided I should ACTUALLY give these gizmos a try. Ya know what, that thing is pretty great. I also decided to try out some mobile gaming. Sure, I've heard 5 million times how bad it is, but... when was the last time I actually TRIED any of it for myself? Instead of just absorbing the opinions of the internet through some weird osmosis, it was time to just try things and form my own thoughts on it. And ya know what, that proved to be much different than I'd been led to believe. That's a lesson, there, and an important one... I need to try things for myself rather than just following stuff, which was another habit I hadnt REALLY realized I even had. And I need to try totally new things too, have new experiences. I've gotten too complacent, too restricted out of my own general paranoia. Time to change that, yeah?
Overall, just... yeah. Enough of sitting around, unchanging and afraid of everything that moves. I cant accomplish anything like that, I cant get anywhere by just sitting on that rotting carousel, spinning around and around. As I often tell people... if you dont make changes, nothing will change. So it's time to take my own advice and get off the blasted thing and take some real steps forward.
Why am I posting all this? I'm not really sure. It felt like the thing to do, so... here it is. Even if nobody reads it, it's at least some good venting.
As I've mentioned before, I came out as trans earlier this year (though that's not what this is really going to be about). Since then, my overall depression and terrible mood finally started to really show some cracks, and pieces of that rotted mask I've worn for so long started to fall off. The signs of improvement have become obvious at this point. Look at this:
This might not look like anything special, but it is. It's an organization / storage solution for one of my favorite card games (which is also one of the biggest things in my board gaming collection). Previously this was all stored in many separate boxes, a couple of which you can see in the back there. But I decided it was time to actually properly organize them. Like, REALLY organize them. It's turned into a whole giant project, complete with me setting up custom dividers, as you can see there (with my terrible handwriting on each). I've been working on this for a week or so now.
What's so special about that, you may ask? Simple: Previous to now, I would *never* have thought to do something like this. Me, do a project... of my own accord... that is about organizing something? What a ridiculous thought! It's not just that though. See that desk there? How do I put this... have you ever seen those shows where they show like, a house owned by someone with hoarding problems, and it's just this hideous disaster? Well, it was kinda like that, except entirely concentrated on just that table. Darned thing was nearly unusable, and I"d just shove things around to make room when it was board gaming time (though this meant that some of the larger games just could not work on it). Seriously, it was bad. But recently, I just abruptly decided to deal with it. COMPLETELY cleaned it off, got everything that was on it put wherever it needed to go. And now here I am, working on that thing there.
I've always been disorganized, messy, and so on, and that had always sorta seemed... inherent. But I've had the realization that depression had a lot more effects on me than I'd realized, and that some of my tendencies were likely fueled, at least in part, by that. This project, that table... previously I simply did not care. That's why I never organized: I could not bother to care. Because of depression. But as that begins to crumble... suddenly I do care. For the first time in... ever. It aint perfect, mind you. There's some very old habits that are still in place. But finally, I've started fighting back against those, trying to break them, when previously I would not have. I seriously had not really realized just how DEEP the effects of depression went. The realization was... startling. It gave me a lot to think about, too. Pondering it as it applies to others, for instance.
But I've also realized that my gender issues were not the ONLY source of it all. There are other sources, though I'd not cared enough to analyze them before now. And I realized some important things. The big one is that I realized I have a major problem with the idea of self-expression. In that, for the most part, I dont allow myself to do it. Take my room, for instance. Well, any room that has ever been mine in any house prior to this one. The decor, the style, always dictated by family... never by me. As a kid, I never really quite had control. I had very few friends, back then, and my mom was very determined that I get some. My autism wasnt known at all at the time... that diagnosis wouldnt come till after college... so all that was known was that I tended to stand out. She decided that if I were to fit in more... get squashed in that box that many here are familiar with... I might make more friends at school. She tried constantly to instill in me habits that would get me to that point (which included keeping my room "normal", among other things). She meant well... she really did... but she's the type of person who never *quite* realizes the end results of her actions until much later. Of course, none of this worked out the way she wanted. It started to instill some habits, yes, but not the ones she wanted. I started to shut down. A lack of creativity and such, because I would not allow that. It wasnt ALL her doing... a lot of it was further instilled after school was done with. College, and then my working period, just worsened it. Gotta squeeze into that box there, cant stand out, nope...
This has made it a bit harder to progress with my gender stuff, because in order to do that, I have to break out of that ancient habit... to "present" differently, you know. And to have something resembling a style of my own, something I've never had (the exception being my keychain). It also affects my art as well, that's something else I realized. I tend to keep most of the things I make to myself. Because they're too creepy, or too weird, or whatever. I like creepy & weird, but that breaks the norm too much, so I hide it all. But it's been very bizarre to see, suddenly, how people around me react to some of it. I made this one thing recently, which I've not shown on here. I just call it "The Charred Heart", and it's definitely one of the odder things I made. My stepmother found it randomly (I forgot to put it away) and decided it was amazing. She just loved it. I hadnt intended to show it to anyone at all, figured nobody would like it whatsoever, but to my surprise, that wasnt true. I've found that, as I start to allow these things about myself to show, people dont react to it in quite the way I thought they would. Suddenly, it's okay to have a style of some sort. Even my surroundings here... this room aint like any other I've ever had. I've shown it before, the "theater room". I aint the one who made it... that'd be the previous owners... but it suits me well, so I've refused to change it.
Beyond that, the other major thing I realized recently was that I needed to start getting rid of some of the negativity in my life, and also change how I looked at some things. Like, Youtube for instance... I'll not go into just what triggered it, but I realized that I was still fairly deep into the negative/shocking drama stuff. If you've been on the platform enough, you know what I mean. I sat down and took a long look at my subscription list... there was a distressing number of problematic channels in there. I hadnt REALLY noticed just how much troubling content I was consuming... it may not be the hyper-toxicity of social media, but it's still trouble. And ya know what... I decided that enough was enough. Time to take my own blasted advice and dump that nonsense. It aint helping, it's only hurting. So out it goes. I removed like 75% of my subscription list, leaving in only positive stuff or hobby-related stuff, you know, enjoyable things. I seriously just had no bloody clue just how deep that infection had run.
I also decided that it was time to sort of try new things, and re-try old things. Reconsider things that maybe I'd avoided for bloody stupid reasons. Like my phone for instance. Used to think phones were terrible, right, but then I got the Samsung on a whim, decided I should ACTUALLY give these gizmos a try. Ya know what, that thing is pretty great. I also decided to try out some mobile gaming. Sure, I've heard 5 million times how bad it is, but... when was the last time I actually TRIED any of it for myself? Instead of just absorbing the opinions of the internet through some weird osmosis, it was time to just try things and form my own thoughts on it. And ya know what, that proved to be much different than I'd been led to believe. That's a lesson, there, and an important one... I need to try things for myself rather than just following stuff, which was another habit I hadnt REALLY realized I even had. And I need to try totally new things too, have new experiences. I've gotten too complacent, too restricted out of my own general paranoia. Time to change that, yeah?
Overall, just... yeah. Enough of sitting around, unchanging and afraid of everything that moves. I cant accomplish anything like that, I cant get anywhere by just sitting on that rotting carousel, spinning around and around. As I often tell people... if you dont make changes, nothing will change. So it's time to take my own advice and get off the blasted thing and take some real steps forward.
Why am I posting all this? I'm not really sure. It felt like the thing to do, so... here it is. Even if nobody reads it, it's at least some good venting.
