Changes to Living Arrangements

[cherryq]

I am struggling with a potential change in my living arrangements, and I don't know how to cope with the thought of the change, much less the actual change if it happens.

Currently, I live in a small two-bedroom townhome with my girlfriend (NT). We each have our own separate bedrooms upstairs sharing a bathroom, and downstairs there is a small living area, our desks in what is supposed to be a small dining room area, and a small kitchen. There is also a half-bath (toilet and sink) downstairs, a coat closet we have turned into a pantry, and a utility closet where our washer/dryer is located. I usually sleep in my GF's room, but all of my needed alone time occurs in my room. It is like my safe space to go to when I need a break or to regroup.

The potential change is that a friend might be moving in with us. She currently lives about five hours away in a very bad home situation in a dead-end job. I have often proposed that she needs to move, leave the job, and put her Bachelor's degree to good use somewhere where they actually appreciate her. There are plenty of jobs in the area where I live. At present, she rarely gets more than one meal a day and succumbs to verbal abuse regularly. I know I need to extend the offer for her to come live with us, and my girlfriend has mentioned this as well. Our lease doesn't end for another five months, so we can't move into a bigger place just yet.

I have the smaller bedroom currently. If my friend were to move in with us, it would make sense that I move into my GF's room and give my friend mine, but I have pretty bad meltdowns when I think about how drastic that would be for me. Another option is that my GF would move into my room. That is asking her to give up a lot though, even though it was her suggestion.

This is my last semester of grad school, and I have three grad-level classes and one online undergrad class. My stress levels are already really high. How do I be a good friend while also keeping myself functional and not in a constant state of shutdown/meltdown?

 

[Bolletje]

I somehow missed your thread until now. I think it's very friendly of you and your girlfriend to offer your friend a place to stay. However, to make sure this works out well for all three of you, you'll have to make some rules all of you can agree to beforehand.
Rules about cooking and cleaning but also about behavior and alone time. Make sure you have the house to yourself sometime and try to find a way to make your gf's bedroom feel like a safe place too, for when you can't be alone in the house but still need a place where you won't be disturbed. Even a simple "do not disturb" sign on the bedroom door could let the others know you need some peace and solitude.

Me and my boyfriend had a friend stay over in our spare room after his relationship ended and he had nowhere to go. I ended up spending most of that month hiding in our bedroom because I needed my alone time, yet he was always around. I was in a constant state of alertness because it felt like there was an intruder in the house, even though I genuinely liked the guy and he contributed by cooking and cleaning up after himself. What didn't help was that I had a day job where I had to get up very early while he worked at a night club, coming home late, drunk and noisy all night. We ended up negotiating that he would be out of the house two afternoons and evenings in the week and he would not bring guests over. Would've been better if we had thought of that beforehand, because my boyfriend was stuck in the middle with me crying uncontrollably half the time and his friend having no other place to stay.

I hope the three of you can find a solution that works for all of you while giving you the breathing room you need. Best of luck!

 

[paloftoon]

Cherryq, can you help your friend find a place to live on his/her own instead? As much as you want to help others, helping yourself is the most important thing first.

 

[cherryq]

Cherryq, can you help your friend find a place to live on his/her own instead? As much as you want to help others, helping yourself is the most important thing first.

Hi paloftoon, my gf and I have discussed it. The problem is that rent here is outrageous, and without a roommate, it would be very difficult to make ends meet. My friend is currently in a position where she has no savings, so the move alone would be financially difficult for her. We've considered seeing if someone in the area that we know had a spare room she could stay in until she found a solid job up here, but that opens a whole new set of problems (finding someone with a spare room, could she stay rent free for a couple months while looking for a job, would my friend be okay staying with someone that's a stranger to her, etc.).

 

[cherryq]

I was in a constant state of alertness because it felt like there was an intruder in the house, even though I genuinely liked the guy and he contributed by cooking and cleaning up after himself.

This is what I'm most worried about happening. She has stayed for a week before in my bedroom. It was really hard. If I had to get something out of there, it felt like I was intruding. Even if I moved my safe place to my GF's room, it would still feel wrong having a third person in the house. I'm not sure how to proceed on that front.

 

[paloftoon]

I think your friend unfortunately needs to be directed to look for opportunities elsewhere. There are many other areas to look in where the economic situation may not be so drastic. Your friend needs to take this on his/her own. You are only able to worry about yourself in your current rooming situation.

 

[Bolletje]

I strongly agree with @paloftoon. If you had that much trouble the previous time, chances of this time being better don't seem too high to me. You might want to put your own sanity ahead of your friends' needs for now.

 

[Judge]

Helping your friend to find accommodations elsewhere may be what keeps you and them as friends for the foreseeable future.

Otherwise making such sacrifices may ultimately compromise that friendship for both of you.