Better out than in as they say. I find getting it off my chest helps somewhat.
I've always felt old before my time. In many ways I have a mindset of a cantankerous old man. Much like an older person I've been no stranger to constant aches and pains. These started in my mid 20's when anxiety hit home hard and became a full blown disorder - especially around my (supposed) ill health.
I used to think a hypochondriac was someone who just thought they were ill. I didn't realise if you were stressed out enough in the mind, your body could follow suit. Not only was I terrified of keeling over at any moment - my body constantly felt as if it was about to.
Daily aches, pains and symptoms for over 10 years, the first 5 being almost constant. Symptoms born of stress, which I reacted to with more stress. A bit like trying to put out a fire with petrol.
The usual culprits were chest pains, palpitations, lump in throat, dizziness, nausea and stomach aches etc. As the years went on it graduated to muscular aches all over my body, headaches lasting weeks at a time and intense derealisation that left me feeling like I was living in some sort of alternate reality.
When people see my art and "wish" they had my imagination, I wonder if they see beyond the colourful pictures I draw and realise imagination has a much darker and self-destructive side to it. A well of limitless playfulness and never-ending catastrophes.
I suppose the variety of aches, pains and fears kept me on my toes. When I eventually traced it all back to anxiety and stress rather than my assumptions it was something else (and sinister) causing the pains, they eventually calmed down in duration and frequency.
Still to this day I can't go a day without multiple aches and pains. Towards the height of my anxiety I began a year long bout of epididymitis. Inflammation of the tubes to the testicle. A horrible experience - to have a constant ache in that area. It made life pretty unbearable when I spent 6 months of this year on antibiotics.
I was wiped out, and excessively anxious. The condition was eventually diagnosed as chronic - which means no cure. And I was told it would eventually "burn out" which it did, after 12 months. Now it comes and goes a handful of times a year. Usually a few hours or days at a time.
This time round it's stayed put and is on both sides now, not just one. 3 week wait to see a GP? A 3 day wait to see a doctor at a sexual health clinic. So I go to the hospital. The usual rudimentary exams and a month long prescription of high strength antibiotics. The de ja vu of this experience was exhausting in of itself.
I saw another GP yesterday, demanded an emergency appointment twice and managed to get one on the second call. Again, rudimentary tests, an agreement on antibiotics, even though there's no other symptoms other than pain and studies specifically state not to treat chronic cases with antibiotics.
Got a referral for an ultrasound and appointment with a urologist. I can't help but feel like this is only the tip of the iceberg. The GP said he could prescribe me pain killers because over the counter meds don't even touch this pain and discomfort. But I have an all or nothing personality and I don't want to enter the world of opiates.
So here I sit - constantly feeling like I've just been kicked in the balls. I've not looked happy today. Got that age old annoying comment from a passer by "cheer up, it might never happen."
It already did.
Ed
I've always felt old before my time. In many ways I have a mindset of a cantankerous old man. Much like an older person I've been no stranger to constant aches and pains. These started in my mid 20's when anxiety hit home hard and became a full blown disorder - especially around my (supposed) ill health.
I used to think a hypochondriac was someone who just thought they were ill. I didn't realise if you were stressed out enough in the mind, your body could follow suit. Not only was I terrified of keeling over at any moment - my body constantly felt as if it was about to.
Daily aches, pains and symptoms for over 10 years, the first 5 being almost constant. Symptoms born of stress, which I reacted to with more stress. A bit like trying to put out a fire with petrol.
The usual culprits were chest pains, palpitations, lump in throat, dizziness, nausea and stomach aches etc. As the years went on it graduated to muscular aches all over my body, headaches lasting weeks at a time and intense derealisation that left me feeling like I was living in some sort of alternate reality.
When people see my art and "wish" they had my imagination, I wonder if they see beyond the colourful pictures I draw and realise imagination has a much darker and self-destructive side to it. A well of limitless playfulness and never-ending catastrophes.
I suppose the variety of aches, pains and fears kept me on my toes. When I eventually traced it all back to anxiety and stress rather than my assumptions it was something else (and sinister) causing the pains, they eventually calmed down in duration and frequency.
Still to this day I can't go a day without multiple aches and pains. Towards the height of my anxiety I began a year long bout of epididymitis. Inflammation of the tubes to the testicle. A horrible experience - to have a constant ache in that area. It made life pretty unbearable when I spent 6 months of this year on antibiotics.
I was wiped out, and excessively anxious. The condition was eventually diagnosed as chronic - which means no cure. And I was told it would eventually "burn out" which it did, after 12 months. Now it comes and goes a handful of times a year. Usually a few hours or days at a time.
This time round it's stayed put and is on both sides now, not just one. 3 week wait to see a GP? A 3 day wait to see a doctor at a sexual health clinic. So I go to the hospital. The usual rudimentary exams and a month long prescription of high strength antibiotics. The de ja vu of this experience was exhausting in of itself.
I saw another GP yesterday, demanded an emergency appointment twice and managed to get one on the second call. Again, rudimentary tests, an agreement on antibiotics, even though there's no other symptoms other than pain and studies specifically state not to treat chronic cases with antibiotics.
Got a referral for an ultrasound and appointment with a urologist. I can't help but feel like this is only the tip of the iceberg. The GP said he could prescribe me pain killers because over the counter meds don't even touch this pain and discomfort. But I have an all or nothing personality and I don't want to enter the world of opiates.
So here I sit - constantly feeling like I've just been kicked in the balls. I've not looked happy today. Got that age old annoying comment from a passer by "cheer up, it might never happen."
It already did.
Ed
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