Clashing with extended in-laws

[As sweet as-pie]

Hi,

I have always been very vocal about my political beliefs on my facebook page, where I'm friends with most of my partner's family. About 2 months ago, one of them commented on an image I shared stating their disagreement. I replied politely and tried to be as diplomatic as possible but she then blocked me. I didn't become aware of this until a few weeks later when I noticed that both her and her daughter had removed me from their friend's list. I made a status venting my frustration because I have had people fall out with me multiple times in the past over simply stating my opinion or my feelings and as an autistic person this is really hard. I have hyperempathy and this is why I have the political beliefs I have, but whenever I try to be empathetic, polite and honest I get punished for it. I did not refer to them directly and the entire status was about my past experience, not them. This led to me having a severe meltdown. I have been ostracised a lot in the past and have C-PTSD as a result so I take rejection very strongly and I still feel that being rejected by them is one of the worst things that could've happened.

The daughter then messaged my partner, being very hostile towards me and saying that I shouldn't post my opinion on facebook as it will upset people and "affect everyones mental health". I know this isn't true at all as I've spoken to people who approve of my posts and support me, but I wanted the conflict to end and so I tried to see her point of view the best I could and wrote a detailed apology where I was extremely sorry for any offence caused. I totally understand why she would want to delete me if she was having a hard time with her wellbeing and didn't want that content on her news feed.

However, this is where things took a more sinister turn. She told me that if I had an issue with her or her family, I should have written them a letter. Which is extremely hypocritical because she didn't tell me that she had an issue with my posts & it turns out she has had an issue with me and my partner for over a year without telling us. I hate arm chair psychology but I have experience with narcissists both romantically and in my own family and they seem to display a lot of the same behaviours. Apparently this entire situation started when my partner did not invite one of them to a concert we were attending as a household (they do not live with us). She said that she would not have gone but she would have liked to be invited. (She was heavily pregnant at the time and so we knew she would be unable to go - so why would we invite her?)

Once I apologised, she "accepted" it but she also continued to be aggressive and then launched an attack on my partner for not caring enough. She complained that he did not ask for pictures of her baby enough - but she sends them very frequently so there is no need for him to do this. Both of them complained that they always make plans and not the other way round, and she also complained that they have never gotten to know me - she brought up a time when I had a severe migraine and had to cancel and she was very angry about this even now a year later. She has never tried to speak to me or spend time with me and proclaims to have tried really hard to include me in the family - by simply inviting me to things I should've been invited to. The other was upset because my partner was sick once and could not come downstairs to spend time with her (she visits every other week and he is always present every other time.)

One of them tried to guilt trip my partner by saying that she was "ashamed" that he had let me think that the people who raised him, loved him and did so much for him, were unaccepting of me. In the same sentence, she said that if I wanted to be accepted I would have to change. The lack of self-awareness is honestly incredible. A few times throughout the conversation, my mental health issues came up and neither of them were empathetic in the slightest. They were very cold & told me that "everyone has horrible stuff happen to them". I was called childish and nasty and my meltdown was referred to as a tantrum.

I was accused of doing things I hadn't done and my subsequent posts on facebook were all taken to be about them despite just being inspirational quotes etc that I'd shared because I liked them. They took everything I posted to be about them and are refusing to accept that they weren't. Even now, I know that nothing I have said was wrong because if taken literally, they're perfectly fine. But they refuse to accept I meant any of it and are saying I'm fake and "backhanded". I know it's a stereotype but I'm incredibly bad at lying, I hate double meanings and I always mean what I say and say what I mean.

The last thing that was said is that "we can't come back from this" because "she has ruined any chance we had" meaning me. This is because I apologised again and asked her to please make up with my partner if not me because he was very upset about falling out with them. To me this shows that they clearly don't care about him at all.

My partner's mum has seen all the screenshots and is firmly on my side, as well as the rest of the family thankfully. We are in lockdown currently still and so she cannot go over to talk to them but she has said that once she can, she will make sure they know they're in the wrong. I honestly don't think they'll ever be able to accept that though. She rang up one of them who defended herself and made me out to be a bad person. They also think that I am a bad influence because my partner displays autistic traits but hasn't got a formal diagnosis and they say the only reason he does is because of me. I thoroughly believe that they dislike me because I'm autistic, whether that's conscious or not. There have been several events where I have had to leave early or not attend at all because of severe anxiety. They were upset about this and I did want to explain and apologise but since they have been so dismissive of everything to do with autism thus far, I really don't think they'll listen.

TL;DR : Accidentally offended in laws. I thought that by apologizing, the situation would be over. But it seems it has only just begun & they now have a problem with both me and my partner.

I don't know how to deal with this and how to deal with being around them - as I know I will have to. I would never have caused a conflict because I know I have to see them again and live with them, and it amazes me that they would do this within their own family.

 

[Aspychata]

Family politics. That's tough. Especially when people start taking sides. It sounds like she just wanted start a riff then it just snowballed into a avalanche, now you are at the bottom of the hill saying what hit me???? You just need to step aside and not be a participant in the lion's den. Infighting happens quite a lot. In bigger groups of people. You wonder if people enjoy that kind of drama. I refused to go to my ex's brother's wedding. It didn't feel right for some reason. Later, his brothers were always causing problems for no reason. Then his stepfather stepped in and was rude to me. That was it for me. It was all intentional.

 

[Mia]

I think time and silence is a good healer. Distancing yourself for awhile does help, and waiting for them to contact you rather than you contacting them. They'll make up stories in the meantime, even if you're not around.

Sounds to me like they are making you into the family scapegoat, and I wouldn't stand for that. Although there's little you can do about their perception of who they think you are. Also, stop apologizing to them for things you strongly believe in. Those ideas and thoughts and beliefs are not up for argument or discussion. Your opinions belong to you and you can agree to disagree.

 

[Aspychata]

Totally think @Mia nailed it. You have to keep your boundaries, and don't be a punching bag for family drama. Better yet, go to kickboxing class. You don't need to be the clown at *this* circus. Steer free of family disputes because no matter how much you sway people to your side it still feels like loss for some reason.

 

[As sweet as-pie]

Ah, family, you gotta love them. Just don't talk about politics around them, and attempt to change the topic to the weather, or the coming holiday or something.

I have the same issue. I'm a republican, and my in laws and parents are democrats. It's best if we just don't discuss religion or politics.

We know that we're all going to bicker, so let's just make it nice, and dance away from the hot button issues, because then nobody will be happy.

If you got blocked, I suggest you give them a phone call, apologize and just say that you know that you both come from two different belief systems, but since you're family, you love each other and ask them to re-add you as a friend, and to just ignore your political stuff, and say that you'll ignore theirs. Remember to apologise, even if you feel it wasn't your fault. That way, they know you mean well, and then they'll apologise too.

Family. They're yours for life.

I did apologise, profusely. But they refused to accept it and are now picking apart both mine and my partner's character and bringing up things from years ago. I've apologised at least twice now and we have tried talking it through but they're refusing to co-operate. They also said they refuse to apologise for hurting me because the reason I was upset is "stupid".

They also don't consider me family, sadly. Eventhough I definitely considered them mine.

 

[menander]

We banned politics in my family. We still slip and it leads to major outbursts, but we reign it back in because we have the rule. Also NO NEWS WATCHING TOGETHER.

We love each other and politics will rend a family quicker than bringing in a partner who carries an axe, has Scotch thick on the breath, blood down the front, and speaking in riddles like something out of Dostoevsky (for Aspies that love the Russian language: Достоевский).

No, that won't destroy a family like one little conversation about current politics. Can't figure that one out at all................

 

[As sweet as-pie]

That's temporary. My in laws used to hate me. Every birthday send them cards saying "I love you. Thank you for always (x)". My own parents used to criticize both of us constantly to the point where we were driven apart.

Just remember, I'd say a majority of couples go thru this. It's really annoying and unfortunate. Every time you get off the phone with them, throw in a "love ya, bye!". You've just got to kill them with kindness and then once they leave your house or get off the phone, breathe a sigh of relief. Eventually, your in laws will see you as the child they never had. But until then, you have a horrid job ahead of you.

Many, many sitcoms have this situation as a premise, because it's awful, and so many of us go thru it.

You have to do a few years of kissing butt to win them over.

I refuse to kiss the butts of narcissists who lack empathy and couldn't care less about me - that's what they want. I've done nothing wrong so I'm not going to give them exactly what they want to please them when it's going to do me harm. That's really not constructive & won't lead anywhere good in my situation. Trust me. My sister is narcissistic and I've had to deal with her for years - nowadays I'm firm but fair. She goes off in a huff & then comes back when she needs something from me. But I never, ever suck up to her or roll over easy. You should never give up your boundaries. My partner's parents love me, so does his sister - they're all on my side and aren't going to let the others get away with this thankfully. From then on out, I'll act civil & be the bigger person but I'm not going to expend energy so that they're happy.

 

[Juliettaa]

@As sweet as-pie

Your first post reinforces why I'd never have a facebook account

Family. They're yours for life.

No 'family' is for life. If family members are abusive, no contact is always an option. We make our own family and that doesn't have to consist of birth family or in-laws

You have to do a few years of kissing butt to win them over.

Definitely would not recommend this. OP, if you feel you've done nothing wrong, why should you lower yourself by grovelling to them. Keep your integrity and maintain your dignity would be my advice. Brown-nosing not required

I refuse to kiss the butts of narcissists who lack empathy and couldn't care less about me - that's what they want. I've done nothing wrong so I'm not going to give them exactly what they want to please them when it's going to do me harm. That's really not constructive & won't lead anywhere good in my situation. Trust me. My sister is narcissistic and I've had to deal with her for years - nowadays I'm firm but fair. She goes off in a huff & then comes back when she needs something from me. But I never, ever suck up to her or roll over easy. You should never give up your boundaries. My partner's parents love me, so does his sister - they're all on my side and aren't going to let the others get away with this thankfully. From then on out, I'll act civil & be the bigger person but I'm not going to expend energy so that they're happy.

Hurrah

 

[As sweet as-pie]

Then you won't see any progress in your relationships. If you burn every bridge, you'll never find your way home. Family is all you got. Friends will move away and you'll lose contact. But your family. That's your blood, your heritage. To marry into another family is to be grafted into that tree. The job of the horticulturist is a delicate balance. To graft the new branch into the established root.

They have done that themselves. Did you not read my post??? I have tried countless times to apologise (For nothing, I may add) and be unduly nice - and they have continued to be awful to everyone involved regardless. It's perfectly fine to cut "family" off, even blood. It's super toxic to think otherwise honestly.

 

[SDRSpark]

Sounds like those are some "family" you really don't want or need in your life. You're better off, if it wasn't about this, it would be about something else, because they're the kind of people who will find some reason to mess with you.

Cut them off. Their loss, your gain. People like that are WAY more trouble than they're worth.

 

[SDRSpark]

Then you won't see any progress in your relationships. If you burn every bridge, you'll never find your way home. Family is all you got. Friends will move away and you'll lose contact. But your family. That's your blood, your heritage. To marry into another family is to be grafted into that tree. The job of the horticulturist is a delicate balance. To graft the new branch into the established root.

For some of us, "family" is just an excuse people call upon to get away with treating you like crap. Abusers invoke "family" in order to keep abusing. (Because it's the only thing they have to keep people around - if there weren't some leverage that they could use, everyone would run from them fast. But "family" is good leverage, it's socially acceptable leverage, even prerequisite leverage. It's a system put in place and enforced by society at large, which makes it very easy to use successfully.)

Not everyone is gifted with a good family. Some of us are cursed with a bad one. And keeping bad people in your circle just because they happen to be related only ends in heartache.

If you ARE gifted with good family, cutting them off wouldn't even be on the table. It wouldn't be a question. There's no good reason to force relationships with people who are toxic to you.

 

[Juliettaa]

Family is EVERYTHING

For you - you missed that bit off the end of your sentence.

Not everyone feels the same way.

 

[As sweet as-pie]

For you - you missed that bit off the end of your sentence.

Not everyone feels the same way.

Both me and my partner also feel that way - but that's still conditional on being treated with basic respect, as should all relationships.

 

[paloftoon]

Some people aren't open to other trains of thoughts. Sometimes, even when you try to make peace and can't, you can only move on without those people. Avoid talking to them and keep your distance. If they say something, just apologize, say they are right and you have misunderstood a lot, and then walk away. If they are for real for making amends, I think you would probably know and can work from there. Unfortunately, the amend part is very unlikely.