Close friendships make me overly anxious.

[Utini]

I'll be short. Have a new job and I'm becoming good friends with one of my co workers. Problem is, it's making me super uncomfortable and I worry about the point where she is going to start inviting me to things. She loves that she can be very weird around me so she feels that it is special. I on the other hand, have had this before and I end up hurting people in the end.

I work the 3rd shift for good reasons, I like the quietness of it all. She gets very obnoxious around me and I join in of course. It's fun, but it makes me tired. I can't sleep right now because I'm still trying to wind down.

How can I tell her that hanging out with people outside of work makes make uncomfortable? Driving and new places make me uncomfortable. I love my small world at home with my husband. Any tips on how to handle this? I'm worried about working with her now but I enjoy her company. So confusing, can't help but to obsess over this.

 

[tree]

"She loves that she can be very weird around me so she feels that it is special."

How about telling her that the friendship the two of you share
is really special, and in light of that, you know that she will understand
that you don't tolerate driving/new places/hanging out with people outside of work...

That in order to maintain the friendship you need quiet.
That you work the 3rd shift for good reasons.
That it's fun, but makes you tired.

And that if she wants the fun at work to continue, she needs to know those things.
Do you think you could do that?

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

In my experience, it doesn't matter what you say. They will only hear, "You're not worthy of a friendship." It hurts being told that. Best to rip the entire band-aid off the skin quickly. By that, I mean keep it professional. No more monkeying around at work. Just do your job. She'll notice. She might even ask what happened. You can just say "I need to keep things professional. I don't want to risk losing my job."

 

[Judge]

* She loves that she can be very weird around me so she feels that it is special.
* She gets very obnoxious around me and I join in of course.

It sounds like you may be good enough friends to ask her "why" regarding these two points.

Personally it would offend me to know of someone- anyone who interprets me as some kind of "trigger" to enable their bad behavior. That while she may enjoy it, you are the one who may be paying for it. In essence that it's simply not flattering to you.

There's another point to this. That it more or less sidesteps any discussion of your autism. I suspect it would not be prudent to share such things with someone who may not be capable of handling it well. She may also not be capable of handling this response well either. But then if that happens, it should be your queue to walk away from her in your own best interest.

 

[Utini]

"She loves that she can be very weird around me so she feels that it is special."

How about telling her that the friendship the two of you share
is really special, and in light of that, you know that she will understand
that you don't tolerate driving/new places/hanging out with people outside of work...

That in order to maintain the friendship you need quiet.
That you work the 3rd shift for good reasons.
That it's fun, but makes you tired.

And that if she wants the fun at work to continue, she needs to know those things.
Do you think you could do that?

It's hard to picture myself telling her these things easily but it seems like the right thing to do because I have respect for her. My mind is racing thinking of the steps I will have to take to get completely comfortable again. I will try my best to take it as it comes and hopefully I will be comfortable enough to be honest with her. It's hard for me to talk to people about anything emotional/personal in person.

 

[Utini]

It sounds like you may be good enough friends to ask her "why" regarding these two points.

Personally it would offend me to know of someone- anyone who interprets me as some kind of "trigger" to enable their bad behavior. That while she may enjoy it, you are the one who may be paying for it. In essence that it's simply not flattering to you.

There's another point to this. That it more or less sidesteps any discussion of your autism. I suspect it would not be prudent to share such things with someone who may not be capable of handling it well. She may also not be capable of handling this response well either. But then if that happens, it should be your queue to walk away from her in your own best interest.

I am often that small trigger. I like to make weird voices because it's easier to say certain things that way. I will act goofy or strange because that is how I express myself comfortably. I'm playful but there comes a line and I lack the backbone to be the one to turn the lights off on the party even when I can clearly see that things need to cool down.

 

[Judge]

I am often that small trigger. I like to make weird voices because it's easier to say certain things that way. I will act goofy or strange because that is how I express myself comfortably. I'm playful but there comes a line and I lack the backbone to be the one to turn the lights off on the party even when I can clearly see that things need to cool down.

But you seem to have a sense of how far you can go while the other person may not.

Be honest with her about such dynamics, but also be firm about it. And perhaps consider ratcheting down your own behavior a few notches just so it doesn't enable her in the process. After all, it seems you are the one still in control.

 

[Dan Dan]

I have a friend at work who i really get on with. Which is unusual because I dont really get on with anyone. We both bring our dogs to work (i work in construction so im always outside and i refuse to leave my dog alone or with strangers). He knows that every weekend i take my dog on a huge hike and he keeps asking to join me with his dog. Anyway i always go hiking on my own because i choose to. I like to be by myself because i like to get away from people. I tried thinking of ways to explain this to him without me sounding like a d**k but no matter how i word it, it sounds like i dont like him which isn't true.
Im forced to work in groups of people all week and look forward to being alone at weekend and to find solitude in nature where i can relax.
He's not as fit as me so im thinking of taking him on a challenging hike so he maybe won't ask again. Lot's of mountains where i live. Its a difficult situation for me.

 

[Utini]

I have a friend at work who i really get on with. Which is unusual because I dont really get on with anyone. We both bring our dogs to work (i work in construction so im always outside and i refuse to leave my dog alone or with strangers). He knows that every weekend i take my dog on a huge hike and he keeps asking to join me with his dog. Anyway i always go hiking on my own because i choose to. I like to be by myself because i like to get away from people. I tried thinking of ways to explain this to him without me sounding like a d**k but no matter how i word it, it sounds like i dont like him which isn't true.
Im forced to work in groups of people all week and look forward to being alone at weekend and to find solitude in nature where i can relax.
He's not as fit as me so im thinking of taking him on a challenging hike so he maybe won't ask again. Lot's of mountains where i live. Its a difficult situation for me.

I agree, alone time is necessary when you have people overload at your job. I work in a hospital, more than enough human interaction.
Hopefully there will come a time when people will be more aware or understanding of all of this :/ For now, I don't know when it's safe or worth it to share these feelings

 

[Esa]

I'll be short. Have a new job and I'm becoming good friends with one of my co workers. Problem is, it's making me super uncomfortable and I worry about the point where she is going to start inviting me to things. She loves that she can be very weird around me so she feels that it is special. I on the other hand, have had this before and I end up hurting people in the end.

I work the 3rd shift for good reasons, I like the quietness of it all. She gets very obnoxious around me and I join in of course. It's fun, but it makes me tired. I can't sleep right now because I'm still trying to wind down.

How can I tell her that hanging out with people outside of work makes make uncomfortable? Driving and new places make me uncomfortable. I love my small world at home with my husband. Any tips on how to handle this? I'm worried about working with her now but I enjoy her company. So confusing, can't help but to obsess over this.

You don’t want to hurt her feelings? Be honest.
Good friends should be understanding and they shouldn’t be draining each others’ energy.

 

[Tom]

It is hard sometimes. I'd just be honest about it and say you don't do outside socializing/going out outside of family. Don't have time or energy, etc. Then you only have to deal with it and fallout once.

 

[WereBear]

Sounds like she might have the same anxieties? If she likes to act goofy she might have been misunderstood or been rude to in the past.

If this is a genuine connection it can be explored.

 

[Kirsty]

You don’t want to hurt her feelings? Be honest.
Good friends should be understanding and they shouldn’t be draining each others’ energy.

Double winner. Grammar is perfect. I like to see someone else placing their apostrophes in the right places.

 

[OkRad]

I have trouble with this, too. I don't know how to solve it. You said something great when you said you do no know what to do to be comfortable again. Oh, how I get that.

People get close and my brain goes nuts.............

I am a hermit now, with only a rommate.

 

[Chance]

im thinking of taking him on a challenging hike so he maybe won't ask again

This is how I think... Sometimes I feel sort of "sinister", but I let the situation do the talking for me sometimes also...

 

[Chance]

I have trouble with this, too. I don't know how to solve it. You said something great when you said you do no know what to do to be comfortable again. Oh, how I get that.

People get close and my brain goes nuts.............

I am a hermit now, with only a rommate.

Hermie roomies... Thats a new concept I have never pondered before... It could work : )

 

[LucyPurrs]

This is how I think... Sometimes I feel sort of "sinister", but I let the situation do the talking for me sometimes also...

That's just smart not sinister

 

[granolaturtle]

That's just smart not sinister

Unless they end up loving challenging hikes and ask to do that again next week. xD