Co-Worker Constantly wants to hang out and it's stressing me out

[Utini]

I get along well with a co worker and I like to just leave it at work. We work closely so it's a full 8 hours of socializing, then it's not enough and she wants me to hang out with her after work. I have told her that I don't enjoy doing these things, I would rather go straight home after a night shift. She asks me again today if I will walk with her and her dog today or sometime in the future. I really don't see how that would be enjoyable and it makes my head hurt, knowing that I am supposed to enjoy these things but I don't understand how or why. One of my biggest panics is being trapped in conversation, on the phone, in a car, a long walk, family, etc.

She's a nice girl but she makes me uncomfortable. Often saying "I love you" even though I don't reply to that. That she enjoys my company and my weirdness. I appreciate all of this but I don't want to see her any more than I already do, we both work full time at a hospital where I'm always around people and I have my own things that I like to do. I have spent time with her after work before and all we do is talk. No t.v., nothing. Just me listening to her talk and me giving flat realistic replies. Seems more selfish on her end in my opinion. She knows that I am autistic and has done her short research.

I have my husband to talk to about how this stresses me out but he is a neurotyptical and I ended up feeling like a bad person complaining to him about somebody just wanting to be a friend. Seemed he felt bad for her. It's making my head explode and I can't stop thinking about it. Why do things like this when I don't understand the enjoyment and it ends up doing this to me?

 

[tree]

So, things haven't changed much between you and her
since this spring?

How frequently does she initiate after work get togethers?

 

[pamelaperejil]

Sorry to hear that. I don't think it's a frivolous complaint. Friends, coworkers need to respect each other's needs. Sometimes what they want is so different there's just no point of compromise in the middle, and it doesn't make you a bad person that you don't want to hang out with someone. Your needs matter too.

Does this person have any authority over you, or is she just a coworker?

Either way, good luck.

 

[BraidedPony]

Have some excuses ready for when she asks you out. Examples of reasons to say no...
My husband is taking me out to dinner tonight.
I have to do laundry, we are out of clean towels!
I have to stop by the store on the way home.
My husband and I are planning a quiet time together tonight.
Mom/Dad/Cousin left a message that they are calling me tonight about something important.
I’m not feeling well tonight.
I have to get home and check on the cat, she threw up this morning.
Sometimes it is easier to lie.

 

[Utini]

So, things haven't changed much between you and her
since this spring?

How frequently does she initiate after work get togethers?

No, it seems like it's even worse. She asks me or hints at least twice a week. We talk after every shift now because I don't have a backbone. Always wants to talk in her car with a cig, usually complaining about work and her love life. I just want to go home when the day is done so the thought of being trapped longer now makes me anxious and angry.

 

[Utini]

Have some excuses ready for when she asks you out. Examples of reasons to say no...
My husband is taking me out to dinner tonight.
I have to do laundry, we are out of clean towels!
I have to stop by the store on the way home.
My husband and I are planning a quiet time together tonight.
Mom/Dad/Cousin left a message that they are calling me tonight about something important.
I’m not feeling well tonight.
I have to get home and check on the cat, she threw up this morning.
Sometimes it is easier to lie.

Yea, have been using my diabetic cat as an excuse lately but it doesn't work as well. She hates cats. If she respected me though, she would understand my love for my cat. Yesterday I lied and said I have to poop lol. Gets exhausting though, thinking of excuses. You would think any normal person would back off a bit. Just like when she tells me she loves me and I give no response. Wouldn't you give up by then? I have mentioned that strong words like that make me uncomfortable when it's not somebody I am intimate with. Seems she doesn't respect me.

 

[Utini]

Sorry to hear that. I don't think it's a frivolous complaint. Friends, coworkers need to respect each other's needs. Sometimes what they want is so different there's just no point of compromise in the middle, and it doesn't make you a bad person that you don't want to hang out with someone. Your needs matter too.

Does this person have any authority over you, or is she just a coworker?

Either way, good luck.

Just a co worker but more outspoken and confident. Wouldn't want her as an enemy.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Forget the excuses, she's obviously not getting the hint. Just be blunt, tell her that you can only cope with so much social interaction, that the time you send together at work is great but is as much as you can cope with, that you need the evenings to 're-charge' and re-connect with your husband, and that her repeatedly asking is stressing you out. If you don't make it clear then it is your fault if she doesn't get the message.

It's perfectly normal and reasonable to want to have a separation between your in-work social group and your out-of-work social group, and I see no reason why she shouldn't respect that, especially if you have a husband whom you will be spending less time with than you do with her if you work together full time. Again, you just need to make it very clear.

 

[sarepta]

I agree with @NothingToSeeHere. As many on the spectrum prefers people being direct with them, I think this is also the only thing that will help you with your co-worker. I agree, it doesn't sound like she is respecting your needs and I think you have to be straight forward about how this affects you. If she has read up about autism, she should be able to understand what you mean.

 

[Catana]

Have some excuses ready for when she asks you out. Examples of reasons to say no...
My husband is taking me out to dinner tonight.
SNIP

Bad idea. Why put yourself in the position of constantly lying? Keep saying no, and if necessary, ignore her completely whenever she starts that nonsense. Sounds to me as if she's slightly (being polite here) off balance, close to being a stalker. The best thing you could really do is straighten your spine and just tell her outright that you're not interested and you need her to leave you alone about after-work socializing.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Whatever you do, do not listen to some of the advice here. If you like your job then do not do anything to agitate or offend her.

The best course of action is to "plan" things, mostly involving your husband and slowly start cutting down on the time you hang out with her. Get it down to something manageable like twice per week. The "plans" with your husband could be anything, just make sure he knows about it and that it's not something she can find out you "lied" about. Like "We are going here and here" and then she finds out you were home all day. You can blame your autism but I doubt that will fly over well since you already spent so much time with her. Time constraints for when you do hang out, using "plans" helps to avoid the "trap".

She sounds like a potentially unstable/dangerous person, so you definitely want to keep things nice and calm. I have a nasty hunch that she is not a normal NT person but that she has mental health issues.

 

[Utini]

Forget the excuses, she's obviously not getting the hint. Just be blunt, tell her that you can only cope with so much social interaction, that the time you send together at work is great but is as much as you can cope with, that you need the evenings to 're-charge' and re-connect with your husband, and that her repeatedly asking is stressing you out. If you don't make it clear then it is your fault if she doesn't get the message.

It's perfectly normal and reasonable to want to have a separation between your in-work social group and your out-of-work social group, and I see no reason why she shouldn't respect that, especially if you have a husband whom you will be spending less time with than you do with her if you work together full time. Again, you just need to make it very clear.

She is aware. I said the same thing to her today when she asked if I would ever want to workout with her. She said she just really enjoys time with me. I said I do as well but I like to be alone most of the time. Maybe she thinks she can fix me, maybe she is lonely

 

[Utini]

Bad idea. Why put yourself in the position of constantly lying? Keep saying no, and if necessary, ignore her completely whenever she starts that nonsense. Sounds to me as if she's slightly (being polite here) off balance, close to being a stalker. The best thing you could really do is straighten your spine and just tell her outright that you're not interested and you need her to leave you alone about after-work socializing.

Funny you mention the possibility of her being a stalker. She admitted to spending almost 45 minutes total looking at my profile on FB, my husband's, and my brother's. She feels so comfortable with me that she felt she could just mention this and I would be fine with it. We tell each other weird stuff often but that hit a different level. I felt creeped out but I think this is something normal nosy people do as well. *shrug

 

[Utini]

I

Whatever you do, do not listen to some of the advice here. If you like your job then do not do anything to agitate or offend her.

The best course of action is to "plan" things, mostly involving your husband and slowly start cutting down on the time you hang out with her. Get it down to something manageable like twice per week. The "plans" with your husband could be anything, just make sure he knows about it and that it's not something she can find out you "lied" about. Like "We are going here and here" and then she finds out you were home all day. You can blame your autism but I doubt that will fly over well since you already spent so much time with her. Time constraints for when you do hang out, using "plans" helps to avoid the "trap".

She sounds like a potentially unstable/dangerous person, so you definitely want to keep things nice and calm. I have a nasty hunch that she is not a normal NT person but that she has mental health issues.

I agree, I do believe she is a bit unstable. She does well at work making a normal appearance though. I agree, don't want to make things worse at my job.