Some of you may remember, when I first came here, I talked about having spent a lot of time unconsciously masking. Then I went through a fairly long period where the structure of this mask could not be sustained anymore; my life broke down and I was simply unable to keep it going. I discovered how much it had been protecting me from being affected by a world I didn't really fit in, and how much it created an idea I could never really live up to.
This mask was very effective, to the point where I forgot I was actually behind it. I just believed it was who I was, and I lived my life in the NT world, seeming to be one, at least from most people's perspective.
What has happened since losing the mask, is that I have, through the practice of being more of myself, found some balance, so that the mask, which had been running the show for such a long time, has begun to restructure itself to some degree.
I first thought the mask was a fake part of me, and once it was gone, ‘he’ would no longer be involved. And yet I realise ‘he’ was also me, and he allowed me to experience life through his eyes, which brought me experience, fun, joy, travel, adventure; it opened me to new ideas and made it possible for me to experience them.
Now, there seems to be the possibility of a collaboration. The Aspie and the Mask combining in a conscious way, giving me an opportunity to be my strange and sensitive self, with the ability of the mask.
I still don’t really like being in the typical world, and yet that is where I am. I'm not trying to change things, and yet I am. We are unique individuals whether neurotypical or neurodivergent. It is this uniqueness that I'm interested in not the label attached to it.
I still prefer to avoid most people. I still spend most of my time in my head. I am an internal being looking out into a world that for the most part I don't feel the need to be a part of. I have let so much of it go, for the most part, and don't consider myself someone who has an actual life; not a meaningful one anyway, with something interesting or exciting to look forward to, and someone to love. When these are there, life feels so much realer. Then, living in the present is where I love being, because the present is where I am anyway. It also means I'm functioning properly. Balanced. More authentic. Real.
This mask was very effective, to the point where I forgot I was actually behind it. I just believed it was who I was, and I lived my life in the NT world, seeming to be one, at least from most people's perspective.
What has happened since losing the mask, is that I have, through the practice of being more of myself, found some balance, so that the mask, which had been running the show for such a long time, has begun to restructure itself to some degree.
I first thought the mask was a fake part of me, and once it was gone, ‘he’ would no longer be involved. And yet I realise ‘he’ was also me, and he allowed me to experience life through his eyes, which brought me experience, fun, joy, travel, adventure; it opened me to new ideas and made it possible for me to experience them.
Now, there seems to be the possibility of a collaboration. The Aspie and the Mask combining in a conscious way, giving me an opportunity to be my strange and sensitive self, with the ability of the mask.
I still don’t really like being in the typical world, and yet that is where I am. I'm not trying to change things, and yet I am. We are unique individuals whether neurotypical or neurodivergent. It is this uniqueness that I'm interested in not the label attached to it.
I still prefer to avoid most people. I still spend most of my time in my head. I am an internal being looking out into a world that for the most part I don't feel the need to be a part of. I have let so much of it go, for the most part, and don't consider myself someone who has an actual life; not a meaningful one anyway, with something interesting or exciting to look forward to, and someone to love. When these are there, life feels so much realer. Then, living in the present is where I love being, because the present is where I am anyway. It also means I'm functioning properly. Balanced. More authentic. Real.
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