"Coming out" as Autistic

[jack_attack]

Hey y'all,

So, I got diagnosed with autism three days ago after thinking I may or may not be autistic for several years. Now that I understand this part of who I am, I want to tell my friends, but I'm not quite sure how to do this.

As with most conversations I start, my greatest fear is that the other person will be disinterested or judgmental but not show it to preserve my feelings. How can I gauge who would be glad to learn about my diagnosis and who would view it negatively or just not care at all?

When I decide to share my diagnosis with someone, how should I bring it up? I don't want to beat around the bush, but I also don't want to be too direct and catch them off guard. I don't want to be overly serious or somber, but this is important to me, so I don't want to come across as indifferent either.

And finally, how does one make such an awkward conversation less awkward? I know there's a lot of stigma around autism, so I don't want to come across as overly proud, especially if the person to whom I "come out" harbors negative prejudice toward autistic people. At the same time, I don't want to appear overly negative and evoke unnecessary sympathy as if I were disclosing a disease.

So, what do you think? How did you all disclose your autism to friends; what worked, and what didn't?

Thanks in advance for your advice!

~Jack Attack

 

[Atrapa Almas]

So, what do you think? How did you all disclose your autism to friends; what worked, and what didn't?

My attempts have not gone well so I stopped disclosing it.

Try to have low expectations on them so you wont get so disapointed.

Good luck.

 

[Xinyta]

A few things that need to be considered:

- You cannot control people.

- There will be people who will be judgemental no matter what, mostly from personal biases.

- NTs will NEVER fully understand our situation with ASD.

But don't work yourself up over it. Or you'll never do it, out of fear. In truth. There are plenty who will not be rude or unkind about. What they personally think, isn't something that should take priority either.

You are you. If someone doesn't like it. It's thier problem, not your's.

On the flip side. It's not anyone's business, either, to know what you have or don't have. Though family and select friends can be an exclusion to this. Work only applies, if you are in need of extra help. Otherwise, no one really has to know.

We, as autistics, walk a different path in the game of life. It all leads to the same kinda goals, as what NTs get. It's just that NTs have ways, we cannot use. For better or worse. And we have tricks, that NTs cannot fathom, to get what we need done.

The socail game is one where NTs have the upper hand. But we can learn to adapt at a lesser level. Mostly integrating. Though the stress will still get to us eventually. It's an unfortunate truth of autism.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I fully understand this social trend of "identity", but be very careful. Some of the people whom you think would be most accepting and supportive might not be, especially family and people that you have known for many years. Why? They have created in their mind a "moral diagnosis" of you. Then when you one day come out and say "I've been diagnosed with a type of autism." they will do all sorts of mental gymnastics to try to reject and/or minimize that diagnosis. "Oh, everyone has a label these days." "Everyone is a little bit autistic. I've experienced that sort of thing all the time." "You're not autistic. That's something that little children have due to bad parenting or vaccines." "You're neurodivergent, there's nothing wrong with you." On and on.

Then, there are the people who are empathetic and want to understand, but really can't. Sure, they've heard of autism, but really have no clue what it is, nor what your experience is. Furthermore, when you make some attempt at explaining, you end up with this long lecture that they still might not understand, nor want to hear. Even if you are a psychologist that specializes in autism, how do explain it to someone without the condition, so that they can understand? Many parents of autistic children who honestly want to know, will never understand their children.

Most have no clue that it is actually, in some ways, a medical condition. It has it's own anatomy and physiology. What we present with in terms of our symptoms, is secondary.

Having said that, there are those of us that may need special accommodations via the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) or similar, whether it be employment, or even within the criminal justice system. In which case, you need that official diagnosis paperwork from your doctor. If you are applying for disability benefits, that sort of thing, you may need that paperwork.

Having said all that, I have freely admitted my diagnosis with some of my close co-workers and my students. However, and this is important to consider, I am a leader, a mentor, a resource person, an educator. I am also physically big and strong. I was a competitive powerlifter at the national level. Nobody is going to bully me. I carry around decades of respect amongst my peers. So, in my case, it was relatively "safe" for me to open up and explain. If you ARE NOT in this sort of position of respect, some people may see your diagnosis as a "weakness" to be taken advantage of. In which case, just keep your mouth shut.

 

[Boogs]

From my personal limited experience...
A few days is nothing in terms of fully understanding oneself after a diagnosis (obviously this will vary enormously from person to person). Took me many months to even start to get my head around many aspects of this in myself, and even now well over a year later, there's still much that's hard to define and understand, sometimes the more questions I answer the more questions that raises. I would advise patience and more work on yourself unless you're truly confident you really have absorbed everything about it (and yourself) as you can.

One of the very important aspects of NT interactions is jockeying for social position in the hierarchy and most 'normal' people will unconsciously use what they know of you to do that, either directly or indirectly. Provide ammunition, and there will always be some who may use it against you, maybe even without malice or thought.

However someone may react if you out yourself to them, it will almost certainly not work out quite how you hoped or expected (for better or worse, but worse seems more common). I'd avoid as a rule, unless or until there's a real negative impact on you that it may alleviate - and I'm thinking of work in particular - such as adjusting conditions etc.
If you do out yourself on a more social basis, maybe try to do it in a small way to start, maybe just focussing on a single aspect of your condition, and gauge the reaction?

 

[Peter Morrison]

Telling people you are "officially" on the spectrum is like telling people you had an appointment with your dental hygienist. For us with ASD, knowing that we are on the spectrum is a big deal because it answers so many questions. It's not a disease, and you are the same person today as you were a week ago. If you are shunned because you announce your status with ASD, you don't need to be hanging around with such simple-minded people. Don't be afraid and don't make more of it than it is. It is neither a badge of honor nor a death sentence. Join the club - there are millions of us out there. The NT world doesn't care. They have their own drama to contend with. Congratulations on your diagnosis. We understand what it means.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

So, what do you think? How did you all disclose your autism to friends; what worked, and what didn't?

I told some people, but their reaction was minimal. Either they didn't particularly care, because they already knew me, or it didn't mean much to them. Or, of course, both. It's just a label. Being diagnosed was never the epiphany for me that some people describe. I knew from a young age I found speech, touch, light, and noise difficult. I knew I used words a little differently than most people. No one had to teach me this. I also have a lot in common with the so-called NTs. Who is really typical and what are we divergent from? These are just mythologies.

I think the ASD diagnosis is mostly useful for getting needed supports/services (like Social Security benefits in the US) or work accommodations. Otherwise, it's essentially useless--just a division of people which is supposed to, somehow, lead to social integration. You might find more success in explaining symptoms ("I find restaurants hard because of the noise.") than using the label. I hope you get the support you need

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I told the people who are closest to me every day, and with whom it was the most important to me to be able to unmask.

So I told my partner (or he knew over my entire reflection process anyway), and also disclosed to our mutual best friend. She knew that I had gone to a psychologist to discuss it, and was previously rather dismissive about it. But when I told her, she was very accepting and mainly wanted to know what she could do to support me.

I have also told my sister, her reaction was surprisingly open and accepting (I had expected it differently), so that someone at my family's home knows about it, in case I get overwhelmed or go into meltdown.

I haven't told my parents because they are not really educated about autism, and it would create more problems than solve any, in my opinion. They know me, so certain things and behaviors about me they know anyway without thinking about autism. I have started to unmask more around them, and it was fine, and no one has said anything. My family doesn't usually talk about things like that. I also see autistic traits in my parents, so they might consider some of the things just "normal".

I also told my mother-in-law, because previously I have suffered quite a lot with her around because I had to mask so heavily (because she is extremely social, and extremely perceptive, so each time you "seem more quiet" or don't smile, she will ask you what's wrong). Her reaction was... mixed. It was accepting and open, but she kept on talking about what I could do to "improve" and "heal" some of the things associated with autism (like my noise sensitivity) through medication and so on. It was hard to get across to her that being autistic means that my brain is wired differently, and there's no cure I need, and I don't necessarily want to be different either.

As to how I disclosed: With some I did personally, with some I did via text message. When I was less sure about their reaction (as with my sister) and it was important to me to get across all the information in a structured way without being interrupted or thrown off track, I sent a text explaining it. In other cases, I started by something like "So, you know that I had that psychologist appointment" or "So, you know that I get very upset when it's loud or I can't be alone", and then I continued with "the psychologist confirmed that I'm autistic", and then I waited for their reaction and went from there. I also used "I have Asperger's" with some than "I'm autistic" because they had an idea about what Asperger's is, so we have some common ground.

 

[jack_attack]

So, what I'm hearing from most people is that it's best not to disclose to NTs because they won't give a damn. I totally get that, and I don't by any means want everyone to know I'm autistic. That being said, I do have some follow-up questions about specific scenarios.

1. What about other neurodivergent people who have disclosed their diagnoses to me? Specifically, I know a few people with ADHD and dyslexia who are super friendly, know me quite well, and are open about who they are.

2. What about super-close friends with whom I already feel very comfortable and want to be more open and honest? I'm specifically thinking about my best friend, who has ADHD, and his family. His parents are teachers who are very knowledgeable about and accepting of neurodivergence, and his dad may even be on the spectrum himself. I'm over at their house all the time and they're practically my second family at this point.

3. And one more specific case: I've been pretty emotional lately, especially in the few days since getting my diagnosis, and a close friend wants to know what's up. I don't think she's expecting something like this though, so I'm not sure how much detail I should give her if I tell her anything at all.

There were some other people I've considered telling, but I think based on the advice from this forum that it's probably best to wait. I am curious about these specific scenarios though, since I think I would benefit from disclosing to these people unless it's a major faux pas or something.

 

[Xinyta]

1. What about other neurodivergent people who have disclosed their diagnoses to me? Specifically, I know a few people with ADHD and dyslexia who are super friendly, know me quite well, and are open about who they are.

Generally. Those that are fellow NDs, will not be dismissive nor unsupportive. As there is more of an understanding about ASD, over all, between those who have it. Despite differences in quarks and perspective.

This doesn't mean that you'll never run into jerk NDs. But the likelyhood is lower, comparatively to NTs.

2. What about super-close friends with whom I already feel very comfortable and want to be more open and honest? I'm specifically thinking about my best friend, who has ADHD, and his family. His parents are teachers who are very knowledgeable about and accepting of neurodivergence, and his dad may even be on the spectrum himself. I'm over at their house all the time and they're practically my second family at this point.

Honestly. I don't see much going wrong here, if you tell them. Especially since it's all folks that know what's going on. You'll learn alot, I'm sure, from talking to them about it.

3. And one more specific case: I've been pretty emotional lately, especially in the few days since getting my diagnosis, and a close friend wants to know what's up. I don't think she's expecting something like this though, so I'm not sure how much detail I should give her if I tell her anything at all.

I'd at least state that you have Autism and you have mixed feeling about it atm. Then gauge her reaction based on that. Further discussion can be applied, if she receives it well.

As far as anything else, it's all up to how it plays out. It's normal to be scared of letting others know. But do what you think is best.

 

[Peter Morrison]

Jack Attack, I am flashing on an issue that seems to apply to many of us with ASD. Given the fact that relationships with people are different based on reasons for any kind of relationship, your feelings that you need to hide your ASD diagnosis is up to you for reasons that are only valuable to you. Here, on this forum, our objective is to help you get through a situation that seems to be an important issue for you. That makes giving advice on perspectives problematic. I only know you as a person on the forum, but nothing beyond that. I know that I tend to be borderline harsh in my advice, and please know that I can only give advice where I feel I have worthwhile advice to give. I look at the outside world vs. people with ASD. The outside world is the dominant culture and we go through crises trying to play by their rules. It's like "But what will people think". You have a fear that being ASD will affect how people that you know will relate to you. That is a real truth, but not as important as you being comfortable with yourself. There is always a public persona which is driven by decisions affecting how others see you. This is just getting along with the outside world. Public images and behaviors are important in any society. You are probebly feeling that something negative will come from people knowing you have ASD. From my observation, and experience, there will be people who will look at you as someone "different", simply because you highlighted this difference. What do you gain from any of that? What do you lose? It will soon become a "non-issue". So, in short, you can wait to tell people when you feel it is the right time. It's important to respect a person's personal boundaries. You are in charge of those boundaries, and there is nothing wrong with you as a person. ASD is just a collection of difficulties that you manage on your own. I have idiosyncrasies that are 100% Aspergers, but other people don't understand the importance of these things to me. Explaining doesn't help. Sometimes, when I am questioned about my behavior, I simply say "It's an Aspergers thing".

 

[Boogs]

There were some other people I've considered telling, but I think based on the advice from this forum that it's probably best to wait. I am curious about these specific scenarios though, since I think I would benefit from disclosing to these people unless it's a major faux pas or something

I think we all give advice on an objective and subjective basis - objectively, we are all ND in some fashion, and share commonality with many of the difficulties and differences of being that. Subjectively, we're all different from each other as much as from so called normal people.

So maybe treat advice as a bit of a pick n' mix, and some bits will marry up to your situations better than others. But in the end the bottom line is you have to also find your own way, step at a time. Advice can help point a better direction to start off with, but there'll always be bits that only relate to you, and none of us could ever know that part, so it's always a self-learning experience too.

As above comments show, some reactions are positive, some negative, and most are merely 'meh!'. Try little bits to start with if you're going to try it, maybe just mention one of your co-morbidities, just bring it up in conversation and judge the reaction. If they won't engage or are a bit passive/aggressive or whatever (and I guess you'll feel that better than I could describe it) then maybe better not to push it with that person?
Also, using terms like autistic may not help in many cases. I don't know about others here, but I struggle to understand what autism is in many ways, so to expect the word to mean much to most NT's is probably unrealistic. To talk about a problem with a particular sensory perception (sound for example), say, can probably be described in a way that they would much better appreciate and understand.