Communication ability varies with different people/locations? Help!

[LilyJo]

This might seem a strange question but it is one that is causing me a fair amount of issues at the moment. I'm having problems communicating with my sisters boyfriend when we are all staying at my parents house. When it is just my immediate family I communicate pretty well, eye contact is fairly good and spontaneous words flow out (although they feel like someone else is saying them for me!) - a lot of the time I'd prefer to just stay silent but feel must say something as mum used to panic when I got unresponsive as a child. Anyway, I just don't know what to do/say around him. I become very withdrawn and barely respond if he tries to speak to me but can immediately engage with my family members simultaneously. He and my sister have been together for years so its not like I only just met him. In fact I was much more "normal" the first few times I met him and continue to be able to do this outside the house. He's a nice chap and I don't want to make his visits uncomfortable. This has happened a few times to me when people seem to not fit in my 2 categories (family and close friends; acquaintances) I guess he doesn't completely belong in either and its causing ridiculous amounts of anxiety.

Any advice? Should I just tell him I'm struggling and its not personal? My family is having a hard time seeing my difficulties as real as I seem so OK to them - hopefully formal diagnosis will help this. So I'm not sure telling him I'm autistic/aspie is an option without lots of eyerolling and in case I'm mistaken in thinking I am aspie. But, at least to me, I feel I become very conspicuous when I'm around people that don't fit in either category! Am i just being paranoid? Help!

Anyone else had problems with communication ability varying on location with the same person?

Thanks LJ

 

[DogwoodTree]

I don't have any advice, but I do experience a similar phenomenon. There are some people I act very "normal" around (like extended family), even though I'm not particularly comfortable with them. It's a defense mechanism to keep from being too vulnerable to their dysfunctions, criticism, and judgment. There are some people I act fairly normal around because I like them and want them to like me. There are some people I act very much withdrawn and more authentically express the discord and chaos I feel inside...ironically, these are people I tend to be a little more comfortable with, people I'm trying to learn to trust with more of my inner experience. And yet, the more I try to be authentic, the more ashamed I am of what comes out, and the more I struggle with being present for them at all. And then there are people like my DH and my kids, where I tend to act more normal with them because I'm trying to protect them from the effects of the chaos inside me.

I've decided that, for me, I just don't know how to be authentic with anyone because I don't even know myself who I am. So I seem like a very different person in different circumstances among different people. And this seems to be getting worse the more I try to be consistent. I'm kinda starting to come to the conclusion that who I am is as much defined by the people I'm with as it is by what's inside me. And that's terribly frustrating, because it seems like who I am should be more of a constant than that.

This blogger describes it well, except for me, the experience is not so much like being a mirror reflecting back what is in front of me, but more like becoming the complement to whatever the person in front of me is...becoming what they seem to want me to be in order to complement who they are.

I cannot find myself, because no self exists, and this frightens me. I am what others are around me. I reflect what others project upon me. I become their feelings, their desires, their interests, even their wishes, transforming myself to fit into the groves of their energy. I cannot help this. I become what is in front of me, what I am facing and processing. If one be smart and an elitist, I become this form. If one be cynical and begrudged, I transition to this state as well. Some ways of being are easier than others. Some I want to be, especially those states of unconditional love and acceptance. Other states are hard for me; challenging the most is the waves and vibrations brought on by distrust and anger. Essentially those elements don’t exist inside of me. None of it does, say the love I try to transmit. Yet, I am constantly contaminated. Constantly bombarded with elements of who I am not, even as I know not who I am.


Sitting at the table and playing the part of a fellow human being interested in the talk of the evening is beyond difficult. Difficult I could handle. I am strong. I am wise. I persevere. What is worse than the challenges of communication and presenting myself as part of the crowd, is the continued sense of being not where I am, but projected backwards and away from the situation, analyzing what is there instead of experiencing life. I am pulled backed, in my thoughts yes, but more so out of the arena about me, put somewhere else, or rather I was never there to begin with.

 

[LilyJo]

Dogwood that really does sound so familiar! Glad I'm not alone - thanks for sharing. What you are describing reminds me of an article I was reading a while back that was referencing the Buddhist precept of anatta. Interesting... Maybe we are more enlightened by design?! Or maybe not! Ha! Here's the link if you are interested:
The Fiction of the Self

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I'm feeling some of this too, but it's more like a relationship with myself. I was unselfconscious about my communication style and pattern before, and now I'm so painfully aware of it that I can't tell if I'm developing new problems or if it was always like this and I never noticed. And some days I feel as if I'm growing older faster than other days. (That, at least, isn't AS!)

 

[DogwoodTree]

Dogwood that really does sound so familiar! Glad I'm not alone - thanks for sharing. What you are describing reminds me of an article I was reading a while back that was referencing the Buddhist precept of anatta. Interesting... Maybe we are more enlightened by design?! Or maybe not! Ha! Here's the link if you are interested:
The Fiction of the Self

Now that...is a very interesting article, on multiple levels. Not sure what to think of it yet. Pondering. Thanks for sharing!

Just a little brainstorming...it bothers me that the author of that article says the end goal of mindfulness is actually to lose your sense of self...to essentially merge with the rest of creation, to accept everything exactly as it is. But I'm not sure I can articulate yet why that bothers me. But it's helpful to read his perspective on it. It kind of validates some of what I've been experiencing with losing a sense of desire...drive...identity. In some ways it's encouraging to know I'm not just totally losing my mind, lol. But in other ways, I feel like this is like seeing the little man behind the curtain...that he's not the big powerful wizard afterall...that mindfulness actually solves nothing.

Hm.

 

[Suzanne]

I am just wondering if at all possible it is because you are ATTRACTED to him?

You say you have always been ok and now not, which suggests that either you get the feeling, but it is subconscious that he is looking at you in a way he shouldn't or you suddenly see him as a man ie not your sister's boyfriend?

I am like you very much with communications. Those whom I know, I can look in their eyes; a bit of unreality going there, but can deal with it. One to one, my words flow if I feel that the person is interested; in a group, I become silent which is why I get the: she is not in the room or wow does she never stop talking?!

This one chap said, after I apologised for tumbling forth with my words that yes, you can talk a lot, but I LIKE you talking and find what you say to be interesting, so please carry on

The times I have been attracted to a man, I suddenly lose my voice and it is just awful!

 

[tree]

 

[garnetflower13]

That mindfulness has piqued my interest for some time now. I had a therapist suggest that I tried it, and I responded that I felt that I was mindful already. Maybe I am not understanding this; does mindfulness mean to be very aware of your surroundings and to feel detached from it all, or just OK with it?

 

[DogwoodTree]

does mindfulness mean to be very aware of your surroundings and to feel detached from it all, or just OK with it?

I think mindfulness is basically "detached awareness" and curiosity, not only of what's outside, but also what's inside. What are you feeling right now? Why do you think that is? How might you respond to it? What thoughts are flowing through your mind? Where are they coming from? What are they telling you? Are you responding to them in a way that's helpful? If not, what would happen if you responded in a different way?

It's being able to take a step back, observe what is happening both inside and out, and make conscious, intentional decisions about how (or if) you'll respond.

 

[garnetflower13]

Thanks, Dogwood Tree! I think I understand it now!

 

[Abe1]

Anyone else had problems with communication ability varying on location with the same person?

Thanks LJ

Absolutely all the time, and also depending on whether I am with 1 person alone or with a group of people.

I also find it difficult when there are family get togethers and it seems everyone is competing for attention.
The same applies when I am with friends with professional jobs and I just feel so intimidated by them as I unable to articulate my knowledge in a timely manner, which makes me feel inadequate or unworthy of being in conversations with them.

I've decided that, for me, I just don't know how to be authentic with anyone because I don't even know myself who I am. So I seem like a very different person in different circumstances among different people. And this seems to be getting worse the more I try to be consistent. I'm kinda starting to come to the conclusion that who I am is as much defined by the people I'm with as it is by what's inside me. And that's terribly frustrating, because it seems like who I am should be more of a constant than that.

I so get this problem.