Communication with Males

[Frostee]

I am a male who doesn't have much in the way of experience with socialising with other males. Up until this point, I've mostly had female friends who are very clear in their communication/not abrupt.

There is a male acquaintance that I talk to occasionally on FB. This guy does a few things that confuses me:

-Sometimes he will contact me and we will talk for hours. Occasionally, we will do this two or three nights in a row. He will then not contact me for weeks. (Do men talk for hours on FB or is this unusual?)

-During our chat we will be deep within a topic and he will suddenly stop replying to my messages. To me this is very confusing because there is usually no indication that he is done with the conversation. Why would you put effort into a conversation and then drop out like you don't care? Does he think that the conversation will not end if he doesn't drop out abruptly?

-He will wind me up and then say 'I am only joking', but I feel that he says this so that I will stop ranting about what he said.

Could someone explain to me what is going on? Is this guy bored and talking to me on night shift or something?

I am concerned that i'm being messed about, and i'm unsure if I should stop replying as I am at University final year and wasting time on nonsense. (This is a person who I haven't seen in 3 or 4 years, and whom never asks to meet up, just so everyone knows.)

 

[Misery]

A few things here, and I'm going to quote specific parts of this:

"-Sometimes he will contact me and we will talk for hours. Occasionally, we will do this two or three nights in a row. He will then not contact me for weeks. (Do men talk for hours on FB or is this unusual?)"

It's the internet... there is no "unusual" here, and that's the first thing to learn. But also, when someone is on Facebook... chances are,they're on other things as well. Someone may be talking to you, but that doesnt mean they are exclusively doing that and literally nothing else. Most people will have other windows/apps open while chatting. "Multitasking" is the prime function of most computers these days, after all. So they may as well just leave the chat open the whole time they're using the PC... it means that conversations can be REALLY long (and sometimes really slow) online.

"-During our chat we will be deep within a topic and he will suddenly stop replying to my messages. To me this is very confusing because there is usually no indication that he is done with the conversation. Why would you put effort into a conversation and then drop out like you don't care? Does he think that the conversation will not end if he doesn't drop out abruptly?"

Again: Internet. Which means he's sitting in front of a computer. The world around us does not stop functioning simply because we are focused on these screens, and that means things sometimes interrupt. I talk with people all the time online... been doing it since the early days of AOL. Lately, I mostly use Steam for it. But regardless of what I'm using, I still have other things that can get in the way. Family, a dog, other things... sometimes I must step away suddenly, whether I really want to or not. It's easy to get knocked off of a conversation in that way. Heck, there are times when I mean to only be away for 3 minutes.... and then I dont get back to the PC until 2 hours later. Fortunately most of the people I know fully understand this, and it's not uncommon for it to happen to them either. My point is: There's no good reason to make assumptions when you're communicating via computers. But the OTHER point is: Dont expect to be the only thing the other person is focused on. People are distracted easily. People are distracted dramatically MORE easily when using the internet.

"-He will wind me up and then say 'I am only joking', but I feel that he says this so that I will stop ranting about what he said."

ALOT of people really do joke around alot. Heck, I cant go 20 seconds without saying something really sarcastic, particularly around friends or family. But one common thing for many people at this site is the inability to spot/identify when that is the case. Try to keep that in mind when interacting with others, and dont get set off so easily.

 

[Tom]

I've noticed that internet communications don't have the same etiquette as personal ones. Its very common for people to stop suddenly/disappear. Nor do people feel obligated to maintain any set level of contact. Its more catch as catch can.

 

[Pats]

I agree with @Misery that he has other things he's doing or is going on at his end. I actually wish I could be more like that. When I get into a conversation, whether it's on the phone or on the computer I give it my full attention. On the phone I get real frustrated because it'll get quiet and I can hear them rattling dishes or doing things and while they are able to continue to be on the phone and get things done I get frustrated because they are keeping me on the phone and I'm not getting anything done. When my daughter in law comes downstairs, which she does every day, or my son or one of my grandsons, I stop what I'm doing, turn the tv off (it's usually on in the evenings) and turn to them so they have my full attention. That's the main reason I hate getting into one on one conversations with anyone on the computer or phone - because they have my full attention but I don't have theirs. Ugh!!!

 

[Frostee]

Why would he talk for hours and then not speak for weeks though?

Is it not all a bit odd?

 

[Pats]

Why would he talk for hours and then not speak for weeks though?

Is it not all a bit odd?

probably not. There are people I don't typically hear from that'll start a conversation and when we're done, I am back to not hearing from them.

 

[Progster]

This drives me mad! It's not just a male thing - people in general behave like this, and not just in social situations. I am an online language tutor and I communicate with the parents and students through Skype or email for work, to arrange the lessons. I write them an email with a question, and 9 times out of 10, they won't answer or they won't get back to me, or they skip over my question, or ask for information that I have already given. Sometimes, when they don't reply, they say that they were busy - what, too busy to write a quick literally 10 second yes or no or ok to the email?? I'm busy too, but I manage to reply to people's emails. People have very short atttention spans, don't read carefully, skip over details and don't follow normal business ethic, such as answering emails within 24 hours, and often leave me in a difficult situation, unable to organise my schedule.

Edit: I just wrote an email to a parent asking to reschedule a lesson. Chances are about 5:1 that she won't bother to answer the email even though it's time critical and asks a direct question.

 

[Judge]

Online communications has essentially trivialized our ability to talk with one another. Where the element of time urgency is absent from the equation. With so many people either inadvertently communicating accordingly or choosing to deliberately delay- or even having no intention of responding.

Reflecting again that not all technological innovation is necessarily a good thing.

Amounting to a "double-edged sword" to many on the spectrum of autism. A means that may be more comfortable to communicate with, but not necessarily the most efficient.

 

[Misery]

Why would he talk for hours and then not speak for weeks though?

Is it not all a bit odd?

Not at all actually.

Most people... not some, but most... do not keep up constant communication even with close friends unless they're in a position to see each other every day.

Everyone has their own lives to lead. Which means that they might not always have the time to be social. Or perhaps they dont have the energy. Or, maybe they simply dont have anything to say. I can go for days, weeks sometimes, without talking to even my closest friend, but that's usually because I have nothing interesting to say. I dont exactly do a whole lot and our interests dont mesh all that well. Not to mention the whole autism thing. Fortunately for me he's always been very understanding of that.

But yeah, it's very common. It's just how it works.

This drives me mad! It's not just a male thing - people in general behave like this, and not just in social situations. I am an online language tutor and I communicate with the parents and students through Skype or email for work, to arrange the lessons. I write them an email with a question, and 9 times out of 10, they won't answer or they won't get back to me, or they skip over my question, or ask for information that I have already given. Sometimes, when they don't reply, they say that they were busy - what, too busy to write a quick literally 10 second yes or no or ok to the email?? I'm busy too, but I manage to reply to people's emails. People have very short atttention spans, don't read carefully, skip over details and don't follow normal business ethic, such as answering emails within 24 hours, and often leave me in a difficult situation, unable to organise my schedule.

Edit: I just wrote an email to a parent asking to reschedule a lesson. Chances are about 5:1 that she won't bother to answer the email even though it's time critical and asks a direct question.

I can tell you right now, it's usually not that simple.

If you were to send me an email for instance.... it's a 99% chance that you'd get no response. Why? Because my email is a hideous disaster. Keep in mind the chaotic and unregulated nature of the internet. For many people, their email address is utterly plagued with spam. And no, spam filters dont do enough to deal with it. I have such filters, but it cant catch enough to keep it from being a hideous jumbled mess. Hell, when I was working with an indie dev on a particular game, we all needed to use the internet to communicate... it wasnt the sort of situation where we were close enough to work together in-person. And I told them right up front: My email is very unreliable, and it was best if they contacted me through other means. Nowadays it's gotten REALLY bad to the point where it's a bloody waste of time. If someone wants to contact me, they must use Steam, or maybe Discord. Not email... I wont ever spot it.

The longer someone uses their email address, the more likely it is to devolve into a hideous disaster. This rises exponentially the more time they spend on the internet. What do you think all those cookies and trackers are for? Remember: The Net is not regulated. There are no true rules. So people will absolutely take advantage of that fact to either advertise at you, or outright scam you. Anytime you give your email to sign up for something, or even to use a credit card, there's a high chance of your email address being captured and put into a list where they can send you piles of ads and general spam. Annoying as all hell, but that's how it works. Exactly why I hate ordering stuff online.

On top of that, sometimes the spamguard catches things that ARENT spam. Meaning that an email someone sends, even an important one, can get gobbled up by this inaccurate technology.

Or they may be someone that simply doesnt check their email much, perhaps someone that is even averse to technology. I myself am absoultely not averse to technology... I grew up with it and it's pretty much the focus of my existence. With one exception: Phones. I have a smartphone, but it's not used in the usual way. It's basically a safety device and a magical talking map that I use when going somewhere new. That's it. The thing sits in my car most of the time. If someone tries to text me, I can go for days without seeing it. This can cause people to misconstrue it as me being rude, but the simple fact is that I just dont use the thing.


My point is, that like everything else on the Net... it's probably not quite as simple as it seems. Best not to assume anything at all. The only thing that's almost guaranteed to get someone's attention is an actual direct phone call. But of course if you're not in a position to do that, well... you just have to put up with the derpage of distance communication.

 

[Ginseng]

I don’t really see his behavior as odd. There are different rules on the Internet and I am thankful for that. I am so easily distracted that it is not uncommon for me to even forget I am talking to someone. I get a message, phone call, someone in the house asks me a question. One of my many alarms goes off, I remember something... any number of things and I completely forget everything preceding that event. But you might want to show at least part of his chat message to you that makes you wonder if he is playing you to one of your trusted female friends just to be on the safe side. Is this a guy you just know online? I think some people just enjoy messing with us. We are easy targets.

 

[Fino]

It sounds like my experiences, but I never thought it was strange. If it was someone I liked very much and wanted to be closer with or really enjoyed talking to, it would bother me, but otherwise I'm the same way.

Is the gender relevant? I haven't had nearly as many conversations with females, so I wouldn't know.

 

[Frostee]

I don’t really see his behavior as odd. There are different rules on the Internet and I am thankful for that. I am so easily distracted that it is not uncommon for me to even forget I am talking to someone. I get a message, phone call, someone in the house asks me a question. One of my many alarms goes off, I remember something... any number of things and I completely forget everything preceding that event. But you might want to show at least part of his chat message to you that makes you wonder if he is playing you to one of your trusted female friends just to be on the safe side. Is this a guy you just know online? I think some people just enjoy messing with us. We are easy targets.

He was in my class at Secondary School. We used to speak on occasion.

I don’t think he’s messing me about, my concern is regarding whether or not he would be using me to fill boredom and also trying to understand why he would talk to me for hours after all this time.

I am just trying to establish how he would have the time to do that. Most people don’t sit on FB for that length of time.

And I am trying to work what he wants from me.

 

[Ginseng]

To talk that long I would think he is interested in the topic.

 

[Loren]

I think if his communication style is distressing to you, it might be wise to disengage from further correspondence. That's what I would do. I don't have Facebook, but, I converse through email, and I would think it's fairly similar, in that both are one-on-one/private, etcetra.

I have long distance friendships with a couple friends, who have different styles of communicating, in that one is quite consistent, and the other makes contact sporadically/ on random occasions. Both, however, give me a sense of closure to the conversation/ say goodbye in some form or other, prior to signing off. If I were left to wonder, it could be anxiety provoking. But, I do know that some people don't need closure of any kind, and are fine with open ended communication.

Would you feel comfortable, simply, asking him to let you know that he will be signing off for the time being? It wouldn't be as if you are asking him to commit to returning, and it could, perhaps relieve some uncertainty.

If you are unsure about his intensions, I would, immediately, refrain from investing much time or effort, going forward, or, refrain, entirely, being that you have other things of importance that you can be doing, as you mentioned.

 

[Progster]

@Misery No, it has nothing to do with spam. I get their messages, and I'm pretty sure that they are getting mine too. I know this, because if spam or spam filters really were a problem, then they wouldn't be able to contact me in the first place. Also, they often give me excuses like "I was busy" or they tell me that they forgot or were distracted (much prefer the second, at least it's honest). With Yahoo an email occasionally went astray, but I no longer use Yahoo. The fact of the matter is that my email and the lesson that I am wanting to arrange is given very low priority. For them it is of very little importance to whatever immediate thing is going on in their lives, whereas for me, it is my livelihood and of great importance. They are unaffected, so don't give it any importance. It affects me greatly, so I'm the one who loses out and is contantly frustrated.

I have tricks that I employ: For time critical emails, I write URGENT in the subject, the question that I want answered in the subject, not in the main body of the email. I often write the name of their child in the subject - that draws their attention. I never write anything vague like "hi" because that's guaranteed to be ignored.

 

[china autie]

"-He will wind me up and then say 'I am only joking..."

This is not okay on the internet or in life.

 

[Misery]

@Misery No, it has nothing to do with spam. I get their messages, and I'm pretty sure that they are getting mine too. I know this, because if spam or spam filters really were a problem, then they wouldn't be able to contact me in the first place. Also, they often give me excuses like "I was busy" or they tell me that they forgot or were distracted (much prefer the second, at least it's honest). With Yahoo an email occasionally went astray, but I no longer use Yahoo. The fact of the matter is that my email and the lesson that I am wanting to arrange is given very low priority. For them it is of very little importance to whatever immediate thing is going on in their lives, whereas for me, it is my livelihood and of great importance. They are unaffected, so don't give it any importance. It affects me greatly, so I'm the one who loses out and is contantly frustrated.

I have tricks that I employ: For time critical emails, I write URGENT in the subject, the question that I want answered in the subject, not in the main body of the email. I often write the name of their child in the subject - that draws their attention. I never write anything vague like "hi" because that's guaranteed to be ignored.

Ah, but see, spam doesnt work in reverse. If they have a broken filter, it wont at all stop them from contacting you. It wont have any effect at all on that. It only stops incoming, not outgoing.

Now that being said, "I was busy/distracted" falls quite in line with what I was saying beyond just the spam. It's the sort of thing I would say, and it'd be quite true. Most people seriously dont check emails very often unless their line of work requires it.

But also, one other thing I just thought of. Consider the rise of social media. If you think about it, email is almost obsolete for many people. They communicate now through things such as Facebook or Twitter. In alot of ways, as much as I hate Facebook, it IS easier and faster to keep in communication with people. It's also not really vulnerable to things such as spam. Come to think of it, of all the people I know, only my father and stepmother actually use email for much of anything... everyone else only uses it to communicate with family in the case of some rare special event. Other than that, they only use Facebook or texting. They dont even look at their email most of the time, because why would they? There's nothing anyone could send there that they cant just do easier over Facebook or texts.

And all that, I think, is hard for some to get used to. For a long time email was THE way to communicate at range when a phone wasnt involved. But that's changed. Now other things serve that purpose, and all of them are actually easier to use (and faster). And you really dont get spam and similar things interfering with Facebook... and you DEFINITELY dont get it with texting. So that's less hassle, too. Nobody likes having ads thrown at them.

I know I never really got used to it. Not that I've ever really used email much. I grew up with AIM, back in the days of Pentium, and stuck with that for... for... longer than I at all want to think about. Now AIM is dead, as is every other similar program I ever used. Even AOL itself mostly collapsed. Facebook and Twitter not only took their place, but expanded to fill roles those things could not. When I think about it, it's no wonder email is falling by the wayside for so many users. But even so, I'll never get used to the whole Facebook thing myself. But then, I dont have any practical reasons that would require it's usage.

 

[Loren]

The thing is, as Progster has stated, her clients have indicated that they have in fact, received her messages. Their disrespect and disregard for her time, efforts and need for communication, and the quality of their children's education has been made very clear, and there is no valid reason or excuse for it. Forgive me if I am overstepping.

 

[Major Tom]

For me, I sometimes abruptly end texts/conversations if someone says something I don't agree with and Don't know how to respond, or I can't think of anything to say, or for some reason the person puts me off. I've had many long conversations with males so there's nothing strange there IMO.

 

[Misery]

The thing is, Progster has already stated that her clients have indicated that they have in fact, received her messages. Their disregard for her time and efforts, and the quality of their children's education has been made very clear. Forgive me if I am overstepping, but, the disrespect and disregard for another's efforts and need for communication is unacceptable, and there is no valid reason or excuse for it.

That may be true, yet it is, in the end, irrelevant.

I'm not explaining things to excuse what they're doing: I'm literally explaining why/how they do it... nothing more.


Also: Just because someone says they got a message, doesnt mean they actually did. Actually quite frequent for someone to say "Yeah, I saw your important thing! I just didnt have time to reply!" to keep the other person from feeling ignored. I've seen that one OFTEN. From people that later admit that it's exactly what they did. This is one of those bizarre things that "society" has deemed as something that people do to prevent others from being offended, even if it doesnt make a lick of bloody sense when looked at from a logical standpoint. But that's society for you. Consider it as being rather similar to when someone pretends to pay attention to you, but they're sitting there actually thinking about cheese or something. The only reason they even bother pretending is because "that's what you do" in that situation. Were "society" to say that it's okay to blatantly ignore someone you know, everyone would just do that when they're not interested. It's that sort of really stupid "polite but not really" kinds of things.

But anyway... Again, email isnt reliable anymore. If anything, it's become the opposite. The reasons arent really important in the end... it's just how it is. But the how/why of it is indeed often true.

Note also that this is all coming from someone who has been on the Net since there's BEEN a Net. And who has literally nothing but free time, all the time. To say I've had experience with this stuff is an understatement, to put it very, very mildly.