Communications with Spouse

[Rasputin]

The following happened this morning:

(1) Salt delivery person calls my house to see if I need salt delivered for our water softener.

(2) My wife tells the guy to call me at work, and she texts me.

(3) I call home and ask my wife to look in the water softener to tell me what the salt level was. She is unable to determine salt level, be so I ask if it looks full. She gets frustrated and starts yelling.

(4) I ask her to take a photo of the salt level and to text it to me. Also ask her to tell me how many bags of salt we have. She yells even louder, and hangs up the phone.

(5) Not knowing how much salt we need I call the delivery guy and tell him to bring five bags, a modest quantity. Then I call my wife, and inform her that five bags will be delivered Thursday.

(6) She then tells me I "have no feelings and am So Hurtful".

(7) I tell her she misunderstood me, and I obviously misunderstood her. Then I apologize for whatever I said that was hurtful.

(8) My wife then tells me I was impatient and disrespectful by asking her to send me photos. That I am unable to tell how other people are feeling.

Can someone tell me where our communications went wrong? I was at work, and could not check the salt level from home. I never yelled or even raised my voice, but apparently I come across as unfeeling.

 

[Bolletje]

I have no clue what you did wrong. I can’t find any fault in the interaction as you described it.

 

[Judge]

If she cannot adequately determine the salt level by herself, why would you be at fault for it?

Then again perhaps none of this may be about a water softener in the first place.

 

[Rasputin]

I have no clue what you did wrong. I can’t find any fault in the interaction as you described it.

Apparently my "impatience" in asking her to send me photographs after she was unable to tell me if the tank looked full was most of the problem. Then I was unable to discern her feelings during a phone call.

 

[Aspychata]

Is your wife not a morning person? Think that or did you two go to bed mad at each other, or finally , (lol) did you forget your anniversary, her birthday?

 

[Rasputin]

If she cannot adequately determine the salt level by herself, why would you be at fault for it?

Then again perhaps none of this may be about a water softener in the first place.

Judge, you may be right. If I were hysterical and raising my voice in anger I would be at fault. But maintaining my composure and remaining calm should not cause a problem.

 

[Tom]

Hard for me to say. The words are one thing but tone, which isn't indicated can also impart information. Your wife may also have a strong sense of roles/responsibilities and not like to be pushed into areas she does not feel comfortable (or possibily competent) with. Usually there is nothing wrong with that approach as there are things on both sides people prefer to have handled by the other. There are very likely things you normally leave to her to handle. Sometimes there must be exceptions made for important situations but then you want to try and be very patient and understanding. The salt probably wasn't one of them and could have waited till you got home to check yourself.

 

[Rasputin]

Hard for me to say. The words are one thing but tone, which isn't indicated can also impart information. Your wife may also have a strong sense of roles/responsibilities and not like to be pushed into areas she does not feel comfortable (or possibily competent) with. Usually there is nothing wrong with that approach as there are things on both sides people prefer to have handled by the other. There are very likely things you normally leave to her to handle. Sometimes there must be exceptions made for important situations but then you want to try and be very patient and understanding. The salt probably wasn't one of them and could have waited till you got home to check yourself.

Tom you are a wise man.

 

[Rasputin]

Just a follow-up. Apparently not only do I lack empathy, but I also made my wife feel like an idiot by asking her to send me photographs.

Tom's insight was correct, that I should have just said "Thank you" and waited until I got home to check to see if we needed to have salt delivered.

 

[Michael Balog]

I too have been accused of lacking empathy and not being able to put myself in her shoes. Thanks for the info I would of got this wrong too.

 

[Rasputin]

I too have been accused of lacking empathy and not being able to put myself in her shoes. Thanks for the info I would of got this wrong too.

I am logic driven in decision-making, reading body language, and in interacting with people. The thing I am most often told is that I am cold and unfeeling. And I don't know how to fake warm and empathetic.

 

[Juliettaa]

And I don't know how to fake warm and empathetic

You are not alone

 

[Ken S.]

Results vary from spouse to spouse. My wife would have said "That's a good idea" and sent me the photo.

 

[Judge]

I am logic driven in decision-making, reading body language, and in interacting with people. The thing I am most often told is that I am cold and unfeeling. And I don't know how to fake warm and empathetic.

You're certainly not alone in this regard. Given your relatively polite, calm discussion and logic, combined with her inability to give you the information needed, I wouldn't have seen anything insulting or patronizing about requesting a picture to resolve the issue in real time. My bad.

In terms of those who for whatever reason may be overly sensitive, that's something that can happen to anyone regardless of any perception of a "neurological divide".

 

[paloftoon]

Your wife is overreacting in my opinion. You were just trying to solve the situation in your own way. Her feelings only got hurt because she expected you to be a mind reader. The fact that she had to call you for this is an indication that she doesn't know a lot about this particular issue. You were at work. I repeat, "at work". You can't spend all day on the phone "at work".

I guess you know from now on to wait until you get home. Since she is apparently a homemaker or works from home, these are things she needs to learn or not get hurt by if you make suggestions like this. It's not fair to you or your work life balance.

She needs to be glad that she is being accepted by you as she is. If she doesn't like her approach to common sense, then she needs to practice (don't say this sentence to her, cause she won't take it well, lol). She needs to initiate talking to you about these things and figure out how to express what she wants to know.

 

[Crossbreed]

@Rasputin ,

1. Has she gotten short (like this) with you before?
2. Does this happen regularly?

If neither is true, see what is different. (My wife's depression makes her irritable, but she always ascribes it to something else.)

If either is true, see what is the same between this and past events. My ASD3 daughter gets really crabby just before her period.

 

[Rasputin]

@Rasputin ,

1. Has she gotten short (like this) with you before?
2. Does this happen regularly?

If neither is true, see what is different. (My wife's depression makes her irritable, but she always ascribes it to something else.)

If either is true, see what is the same between this and past events. My ASD3 daughter gets really crabby just before her period.

The answers to (1) and (2) are Yes.

I will give it some thought, but it happens frequently.

 

[Thinx]

It sounds a bit as if your partner has got sensitised to the way you interact, and is reacting based on an overall sense of how she hears and experiences your inputs. That's pretty usual, I think, so dissecting an interaction to see if you are Wrong, or if in fact she is Unreasonable, is maybe missing the big picture here.

If she's sounding upset about something, and telling you she's upset by going so far as yelling, that would need to take precedence, rather than pursuing a query. Saying something like, I m sorry you are upset, let's talk more later, might be a way forward if your partner starts to yell, but I would also try to explore if she can give you more clues before yelling, like saying, this is too difficult, please don't keep on now about the salt, or something, to help you be alerted.

Do you think she is neurotypical or Aspie btw? She sounds like she was having a mini meltdown...

 

[Rasputin]

It sounds a bit as if your partner has got sensitised to the way you interact, and is reacting based on an overall sense of how she hears and experiences your inputs. That's pretty usual, I think, so dissecting an interaction to see if you are Wrong, or if in fact she is Unreasonable, is maybe missing the big picture here.

If she's sounding upset about something, and telling you she's upset by going so far as yelling, that would need to take precedence, rather than pursuing a query. Saying something like, I m sorry you are upset, let's talk more later, might be a way forward if your partner starts to yell, but I would also try to explore if she can give you more clues before yelling, like saying, this is too difficult, please don't keep on now about the salt, or something, to help you be alerted.

Do you think she is neurotypical or Aspie btw? She sounds like she was having a mini meltdown...

Now that is an interesting question, and I have wondered about that myself. She has both social anxiety and sensory issues, and has a nephew who is autistic. So, it is possible.

But, how likely is is for two Aspies to mate? And why would she be obsessed with my lack of empathy? I don't understand that.

 

[All-Rounder]

She thinks you took her for stupid and are faulty in your requests. She could sense your impatience, too [maybe you should debate whether youre that good at masking them at least in front of your wife]. She probably really wanted to help and prove herself.

I get the sense you are either confused or denying her experiences of the situation. In the 2nd case you have to be open to listening how she perceived the event and be as empathetic as you can, without being driven by your own judgement or putting your own self in the situation, as shes a different person. That's nice you apologized and I think she should too.