Competency

[mw2530]

A few months ago at work during my annual evaluation, my supervisors told me work always finds competency and that is why I always had lots of work to do. Weeks or months later, that same sentence came back to me in a different context. I realized that the reason I have only a few close friends and that I've never had a romantic relationship is that I lack competency in forming and maintaining relationships. At the end of the day it is as simple as that.

And to break it down further, I have a lack of meaningful relationships in my life because I lack competency in communicating effectively. It is not necessarily because of my opinions, views, lifestyle, economic status, height, weight, interests, or job.

In some ways its a relief since all these other factors don't matter so much in being able to forma relationship, but probably do affect who a person may be able to attract. On the other hand, lack of competency in relationships is a problem that may or not be something that can be changed. I'm not sure.

 

[Autistamatic]

It is something that can be learned, but I don't think it's a skill that clan be learned from a book or a course. I've read plenty of books on human behaviour, relationships, body language etc and picked up nuggets, but nothing taught me so much as just trying, failing and trying again.
I've made plenty of mistakes, been hurt and caused hurt of my own, but I learned from it all and eventually got it right. If I'd not learned the hard way I don't think I would have got to where I am now, in a happy fulfilling relationship.
If I were to offer advice, it would be just to put yourself out there and try. Be prepared to fail, many times, be ready to deal with pain, be mindful of what you do right and what you do wrong and hopefully one day you'll feel you have gained that competency.

 

[Shamar]

A few months ago at work during my annual evaluation, my supervisors told me work always finds competency and that is why I always had lots of work to do. Weeks or months later, that same sentence came back to me in a different context. I realized that the reason I have only a few close friends and that I've never had a romantic relationship is that I lack competency in forming and maintaining relationships. At the end of the day it is as simple as that.

And to break it down further, I have a lack of meaningful relationships in my life because I lack competency in communicating effectively. It is not necessarily because of my opinions, views, lifestyle, economic status, height, weight, interests, or job.

In some ways its a relief since all these other factors don't matter so much in being able to forma relationship, but probably do affect who a person may be able to attract. On the other hand, lack of competency in relationships is a problem that may or not be something that can be changed. I'm not sure.

I am assuming you are autistic. What you are describing is very common with us. For me, interaction with other people is a confusing mess. When I try, it is always a failure. I am skeptical of the whole idea of learning "social skills." It may not be a matter of learning, but a matter of understanding. I sometimes describe it as teaching a paraplegic to walk. All he has to do is stand up and put one foot in front of the other. Teaching an autistic social interaction is similar. It is not a matter of knowledge or desire, it is because the brain just does not function that way. Until the brain function is changed, all the knowledge, skills training, and desire will have virtually no effect.

 

[Bella Pines]

It can be learned.

I think that aspies don't tend to form and maintain relationships easily or often, is because there's a terrible price to pay. You have to essentially give up your identity and wear a permanent mask, which is exhausting and unnatural. Most NTs will say that's not true and that "with true friends you can just be yourself" or some emotional sentiment, but that's not entirely true. If it was true, we would all have friends, but clearly we don't.

Forming a relationship with an NT means starting slowly, going through the small talk phase, listening to their trivial problems, pretending you have something in common and holding back on any observations that they won't want to hear.

Maintaining a relationship with an NT means a huge investment of time, making notes about their lives and asking trivial things like how their dogs hair appointment went, observing customs and sending birthday cards. Additionally, you will have to listen to them, not point out contradictions and make a lot of compromises.

So forming and maintaining relationships can be learned and it's not complicated, the choice simply boils down to if you are willing to put the time and energy in. Some people are worth it and it's a good skill to have, but use with caution because it's also tremendously hard work.