Complicated Dating/ friend relationship and possible Aspie

[12341234]

Hi!

This is the first time I post on this forum. I think my date is an aspie so Id be very interested in hearing other aspies view on the below!

I have been seeing my flatmate for almost 1 year now. We started eating dinner at home together, to attend many social events and travel together which has been great. We both live abroad. I think he has some type of Autism/Aspergers because of the following:

• He likes to be alone. He doesn't have many friends, not here or in his home country. He told me he never had many friends and liked to be alone as a kid, playing video games. But he wants to be with me all the time and is very kind and caring. I have never been with anyone so nice to me.
• He told me he finds social situations difficult and that he is not very good with it. When we have been with other people, he usually doesn't want to talk to them, or he says awkward things, like if they ask what do he does for work he could say "its none of your business". (thinking that is was a funny thing to say but most people dont take it way)
• He loves his routines. He eat the same thing every week, frozen pizza every Sunday, gym at the same time, same clothes, and spending time with me the same days.
• He is manic about his food. the best way to describe his relationship to food is as for a dog; he is very protective about his food, he makes sure he gets every little piece of food on the plate, and even licks the plate, fork and knife..(not cool on a fine restaurant! I told him please dont lick the knife, and he just laughed and did it again). When eating he would be almost like in trance with his food, I can't get any contact with him until after he´s done. Then he would take my hand, smile and be back to his normal self.
• He bites his nails all the time, especially in social situations. He is most relaxed with me watching a movie in the sofa. He also does some funny faces that I dont think he is aware of that he is doing (grimaces)
• When he first talks, he is very direct and his words can be hurting.

A few months after we started seeing each other I wanted to ask him the status of our dating, if he wanted a relationship or not. He said that the loves me but that he didn't want a relationship because he saw himself travelling in the future, which he found not compatible with a relationship. I was sad but continued to hang out with him because I love being with him.
Later he told me that the reason he said he didn't want a relationship was because he dont think he is good with social relationships, so he didn't think he would be able to live with someone. (I feel sad that he only told me this so late, if i knew this early on it would have been much better for me to understand him)

Anyway, I have now decided to move back to my home country, partly because of our relationship is going nowhere and also for other reasons. We have hanged out a lot recently, done many fun things, he has met many of my friends and even started relaxing being with me in social situations. Its been great and I've seen much progress with him and I love him even more. We also went on a weekend trip recently which was great. We have posted our trips and events on Facebook for many weeks and everyone is asking me if were a couple, which I have ignored because I'm too scared to know the answer. He also finally mentioned me to his parents ( he doesn't talk much with them, and when he does, on Skype, he doesn't say much so for me that's a big thing)
The night before I am leaving we were both sad, and he cried and said he would miss me so much and he had never felt so strongly for anyone before. The morning I am leaving I thought we should determine what the status of our relationship is. And he said : I think we should just give it up, because I'm going to move back to my country in the future.



I am just so sad that he can't see any possibilities, that we could possibly live together in either my home country or his home country in the future, or that he doesn't see the possibility of us visiting each other for a while. I feel our love is so strong that it could survive this. I have also never cared so much for anyone in my life. From saying that he had never cared so much for anyone in his life, to say its over the next morning, is totally not understandable for me.

My questions are:
Do you guys think hes an aspie?
Can anyone relate to our situation/relationship issue? Do you think its still hope for a relationship or should I give up and move on?

Thanks a lot, xx

 

[Judge]

My questions are:
Do you guys think hes an aspie?

Well, IMO all the points you mention certainly reflect that possibility.

Can anyone relate to our situation/relationship issue?

No, not me from a Neurotypical perspective, which is what I presume you are looking for. While a number of NTs ask such questions, most of them come and go so it may be difficult to get a response from that perspective here. Maybe one of them will answer.

As for his "peculiarities" regarding eating, I suspect he simply doesn't have the capacity to communicate and socialize on a complex level (romance) and eat at the same time. Which may sound odd to Neurotypicals, but perhaps much less to the Neurodiverse.

Do you think its still hope for a relationship or should I give up and move on?

Move on. The only feedback you've provided from his perspective was almost all negative. I just don't see much resistance or regret from him over his own concerns:

• "He said that the loves me but that he didn't want a relationship because he saw himself traveling in the future, which he found not compatible with a relationship."

• "Later he told me that the reason he said he didn't want a relationship was because he don't think he is good with social relationships, so he didn't think he would be able to live with someone."

• "And he said : I think we should just give it up, because I'm going to move back to my country in the future."

 

[12341234]

Thank you Judge, that is helpful. After all none of my friends liked him, i always had to defend him. It's Probably for the better that it's over!

 

[Judge]

Thank you Judge, that is helpful. After all none of my friends liked him, i always had to defend him. It's Probably for the better that it's over!

Relationships between autistic and non-autistic people aren't for everyone. It's not a crime to come up with such a conclusion. Even with all the self-awareness in the world, I'd never know for certain if it would have made any difference with NT girlfriends.

I wish you had something to "work with" here, but from your feedback it sounds as if anything his mind was already made up. Though some time later he may regret it. You never know about matters of the heart.

 

[12341234]

Relationships between autistic and non-autistic people aren't for everyone. It's not a crime to come up with such a conclusion. Even with all the self-awareness in the world, I'd never know for certain if it would have made any difference with NT girlfriends.

I wish you had something to "work with" here, but from your feedback it sounds as if anything his mind was already made up. Though some time later he may regret it. You never know about matters of the heart.

Hi Judge, thank you so much for your response. Maybe he has made his mind up, like you said. Theres nothing I can do about that. Its just very confusing when he is contradicting himself and I have a lot of feelings for him. I guess time will show..

 

[MrSpock]

From what you've said I wouldn't be surprised if he is an aspie. And that would make me think that you probably should take him at his word.

I'm probably a romantic fool. It does sound as though you have reason to think that there's a possibility of romance, although it would likely take a lot of work and could easily become a disappointment. Still, if he were an NT female acting like that I'd guess that (s)he really does want romance but is scared to tell you so for some reason, he may be hoping that you'll insist.

I'm single and seem to be rather relationship impaired. Maybe you should ignore what I have to say. If I were in your shoes I would not give up so easily. But then, to me the possibility of something working out with someone I like that much is a very rare and precious thing. I'd work just to keep such a friendship alive even against the odds.

Good luck whichever path you choose.

 

[Rich Gray]

"I have an observation that may prove to be insightful; would you like to hear it? My hypothesis is that you may have Asperger's Syndrome. If you do have Asperger's Syndrome, then I have been told that this understanding will likely lead towards enjoying a better understanding of how your brain functions."

 

[Keigan]

Yes, he is on the spectrum.
Yes, the two of you are connected even though it might not feel that way.....

Think of it this way, his comments regarding travel and relationship - he is going to view them literally, since the travel plan existed prior to the relationship occurring he has not merged the two together, and his focus will be on the travel first. You can send him on a trip, go with him or not - the moment he finishes the travel he will be into his next special interest. Eventually that special interest could be the relationship, yet in his mind one is in place already.

How can you tell, because he expanded his routine to include you and he is still interacting with you.

The real question to yourself is, can your needs be met with this relationship as it exists today?