Complicated social conflict--- advice needed!

[mollusk]

So I'm in the middle of a very confusing social conflict...

Brief background:

My friend (lets call him Bob) has been going through cycles of depression. I'm his best friend, and the only person he feels comfortable sharing this with. However, whenever he feels bad and reaches out to me, it feels like he expects way too much, and ends up guilting me whenever I fail to deliver. Of course I want to be there for him, and I really really care about him, but it feels unreasonable for him to expect me to drop my life and sit with him for hours in the dark. Often when I come over to comfort him and to keep him from being lonely, he is irritable and mean, and makes it hard for me to leave without upsetting him. Even worse, when I point out that it feels like his expectations for me as a friend are unreasonable, he convinces me that NT people wouldn't feel this way, and that it's just me.

Conflict:

Our shared friend (lets call him Joe) is aware of the situation, since I shared some of the texts I got from Bob with Joe out of concern. Joe views Bob's messages and behaviors as toxic and borderline abusive, and has offered to confront Bob about this with me. If I confront Bob alone, he will be more comfortable and won't feel ganged up on. However, Bob could easily just convince me that NT people would not have this issue, and would fail to reconsider how he treats me and what he expects from me. If Joe comes with me, Bob would be angry that I told Joe, but would likely come closer to understanding why what he did was wrong. Also, Joe and Bob are roommates, and Joe seems to be uncomfortable around Bob now, knowing how I was treated by Bob. Might be good for Joe to address it too, but might anger Bob.

Should I involve Joe when I confront Bob about his expectations?

 

[Forest Cat]

I think this is a good opportunity to gain some experince. Your friend Bob is expecting too much. He feels bad and has a difficult time and I'm sure it helps him a lot to have you around, but he can not expect you to put your life on hold to help him every time he wants it.

I would not bring Joe or other people into it, but that's me. I think Bob will be upset and make a huge deal out of it if Joe shows up and gets involved in it. It could turn into a big and long problem, Bob vs. you and Joe.

I think the bottom line is that helping your friends is good, but sometimes you have to put your foot down or people take advantage of your kindness. It sounds like Bob is used to you dropping everything and running to him when he calls. That's not healthy for you or him. When you tell him how you feel about it, he convinces you that you are wrong instead of listening to you. When you tell someone how you feel and their respons is "you are wrong", it's not good. If he tries to convince you, stand your ground. He needs to be conciderate too.

 

[Outdated]

I agree with Forest Cat. What Joe is saying sounds about right but for Joe to get involved would be wrong.

It's a harsh lesson to learn in life, but sometimes the best help you can give to a friend is to force them to stand on their own two feet.

Plus at your age there's quite enough going on in your world that you are still learning about without having to cope with a dependent. You still need to look after yourself.

 

[Alexej]

I think that addressing the issue by yourself is the cleaner opion.

 

[AutistAcolyte]

Tough situation! I have a few pieces of advice I can offer from my own conflict with my roommate:

Practice naming personal narratives, and stick to your side, so that each of you can share your experience of the situation. Listing the order of events from your perspective has been helpful for me in coming to understand both my own and the other persons experience, and can help you both to see how you might be making judgements about the other person that aren't true.

State before that if either of you feel yourself becoming dysregulated (for me this looks like tensing up, rapid breathing, difficulty processing thoughts and carrying on conversation) then you will tell the other person and ask for a few minutes to calm down. It is nearly impossible to have a productive conversation if either person is unable to function because they feel like they're under attack.

 

[mollusk]

Tough situation! I have a few pieces of advice I can offer from my own conflict with my roommate:

Practice naming personal narratives, and stick to your side, so that each of you can share your experience of the situation. Listing the order of events from your perspective has been helpful for me in coming to understand both my own and the other persons experience, and can help you both to see how you might be making judgements about the other person that aren't true.

State before that if either of you feel yourself becoming dysregulated (for me this looks like tensing up, rapid breathing, difficulty processing thoughts and carrying on conversation) then you will tell the other person and ask for a few minutes to calm down. It is nearly impossible to have a productive conversation if either person is unable to function because they feel like they're under attack.

That's a good idea- I do become dysregulated in stressful social situations, so it would be helpful to bring this up in the conversation first.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I suggest you write down what you feel, and why you think Bob is being unreasonable. I also recommend noting down more specifically why you are not being weird about being affected by the burden. You choose what you do with this later, you can send Bob the "letter" or keep it in mind when you confront him, but I think it would be useful to gather your thoughts and know what you would like to say. I think it would be especially useful since Bob seems to be trying to confuse you into changing your mind. I agree with the other comments that you shouldn't bring Joe in directly, especially if you get anxious in tense or social situations. As soon as more than one person enters the picture for me, I tend not to talk much.

 

[mollusk]

I suggest you write down what you feel, and why you think Bob is being unreasonable. I also recommend noting down more specifically why you are not being weird about being affected by the burden. You choose what you do with this later, you can send Bob the "letter" or keep it in mind when you confront him, but I think it would be useful to gather your thoughts and know what you would like to say. I think it would be especially useful since Bob seems to be trying to confuse you into changing your mind. I agree with the other comments that you shouldn't bring Joe in directly, especially if you get anxious in tense or social situations. As soon as more than one person enters the picture for me, I tend not to talk much.

Thanks- I'll for sure try this. Also, admittedly I was hoping if Joe joined in, I wouldn't need to talk as much... I know this is a bad thing since it's my problem and avoiding it usually isn't helpfu;.

 

[Tom]

Don't reward bad behavior.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Address the issue yourself! Being able to communicate strong boundaries is necessary to mature. That is one step to gaining agency to advocate for yourself.

 

[Aspychata]

First of all, it's unreasonable for the person you wish to confront to expect you to be a trained therapist. You don't have the tools to deal with depression. This is a severe medical disorder, and it can bring you down trying to deal with it.

Myself, l wouldn't confront because, l would be afraid the person may commit suicide. I would strongly suggest that they need therapy, and they may need antidepressants for a period of time. I have gone thru severe depression myself.

This is toxic for you, and you shouldn't submit yourself to this. I often tell my friends, you can't save everybody on the planet. They need to want to get better, then they need to take action to do it. You can suggest resources, local resources, you can leave numbers around for them to call.

Finally, when you come over, when he becomes abusive, then you need to excuse yourself.