Concept of a friend.

[Marcus]

I got asked recently what I thought the concept of a friend was.

I really haven't had many friends in my lifetime, which being perfectly honest has caused me to be depressed more often than not and make me feel worthless, but my idea of a friend is just someone who is loyal and can tolerate me and all my odd quirks and everything else, it doesn't hurt to have something in common either.

I take my friendships very seriously, but in the back of my mind I always wonder when they are going to grow bored of me and leave, and that always makes me keep my guard up.

I don't go out of my way though to look for friends, which to some people means that I am doomed to being alone the rest of my days, but they obviously have no idea how introverted I am.

I will admit that I don't have the broadest range of hobbies and things like that, but I still think I'm an okay person to get along with, although some would tend to disagree.

Someday though, I would like to have at least one true friend, hopefully lifelong, but if not, then as long as possible. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

Aspie blogger Penelope Trunk once wrote that Aspies need, at a minimum, two things — a life partner and a job. I agree. I have a good job and my best friend, a fellow Aspie, is now my wife. I would add a third element — a spiritual component — but lots of people on this forum would disagree so I'll leave it at that.

As for a life partner, that path starts with friendship. You have to find someone with whom you're willing to let your guard down. I understand how difficult that is. To make things easier, I highly recommend pursuing friendships and romantic relationships within the spectrum. Samantha Craft, in Everyday Asperger's, wrote that "when two Aspies meet to form a new relationship, a space is created that allows an open understanding to occur that oftentimes neither participant has experienced before. For the first time an Aspie might feel seen, heard, and/or understood." That sort of relationship makes it easy to let your guard down. That, to me, is friendship. I felt that with my wife from the moment I met her.

 

[Streetwise]

Someone Who will be intimate with you in the way you hope your friend would and loyal to you

 

[LogicalMind]

The force is strong in this one

 

[Flinty]

This is tough to explain. I have some friends, but... I haven't had a best friend in decades. A friend will help you through serious stuff. I don't remember what a best friend will do.

 

[Lady Penelope]

From what I've read (and my own experiences) it seems many spectrumites are comfortable on their own. This means the desire for company is not as strong. Whilst many do feel a loss at not having solid friendships, it seems it's more what friendships represent to them that they mourn rather than an actual person.
Not being as aware of social norms and behaviours and body language and subtleties means making and keeping friendships harder.
Friendships essentially are reciprocal. If one gives more than the other too often then it's abusive. Friends should not be abusive. You may have things in common with each other or simply enjoy their company.
Seems common for ASD to have one full on friend or partner at a time. We tend to have an all in ... all or nothing kind of attitude.

 

[Chance]

I got asked recently what I thought the concept of a friend was.

I really haven't had many friends in my lifetime, which being perfectly honest has caused me to be depressed more often than not and make me feel worthless, but my idea of a friend is just someone who is loyal and can tolerate me and all my odd quirks and everything else, it doesn't hurt to have something in common either.

I take my friendships very seriously, but in the back of my mind I always wonder when they are going to grow bored of me and leave, and that always makes me keep my guard up.

I don't go out of my way though to look for friends, which to some people means that I am doomed to being alone the rest of my days, but they obviously have no idea how introverted I am.

I will admit that I don't have the broadest range of hobbies and things like that, but I still think I'm an okay person to get along with, although some would tend to disagree.

Someday though, I would like to have at least one true friend, hopefully lifelong, but if not, then as long as possible. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.

I think a mass of us are in the same empty spot. I'm basically okay being alone but I always want someone to not only be my friend but to push me (gently) to always grow, always try things, just be there for each other... It doesn't have to be some fairy tale. It doesn't have to be based on how much a person says or does. Just a person who accepts me, and I accept them for who they are as they are...

I had that once... He was diagnosed with brain cancer and left this world way too young. It tore a hole in me that has never been fixed, but there are wonderful people out there for everyone of us... To think different in a world filled with 7 billion people, would be sheer insanity...

The right person will come along most likely when you least expect it... and it will be like a gift, not a challenge. I believe its out there for all of us if we really want it... : )